Archive

“The Real L Word” mini-cap 109: “Dinah or Bust”

Here at AfterEllen, we’ve written about the annual booze and babes palooza called the Dinah Shore Weekend a few times. We’ve told you about the non-stop parties and headliner entertainment, and shown you happy lesbians cutting loose and/or getting naked, as far as the blood-shot eye can see. Commonly called, “lesbian spring break,” or “Lesbians Gone Wild,” it isn’t everyone’s shot of tequila, but it is ours.

Knowing the girls the way we do now, you can guess what each has to say about the subject: Jill’s never heard of it, and Nikki wouldn’t be caught dead there, probably because she might get Jell-O shot stains on her Dolce & Gabbana sandals. Tracy, Whitney and Mikey are all Dinah veterans, and describe it as a “hot mess” and “a free-for-all.” Given the drinking, the girls and the balls-out partying, guess who loves Dinah more than life itself? Rose brags, “They probably have a bronze statue of me somewhere.” Yes, they do.

Not everyone is going to Dinah this year. In addition to Nikki and Jill, who would rather set themselves on fire than risk brushing up against a sweaty girl in a tankini, Tracy and Stamie are skipping the debauchery, too. Tracy’s mom, Zory, is still in town for her birthday celebrations. Tracy’s roommate, Michele, is back from a business trip and ready to impart more levelheaded advice to Tracy about how to be on a reality show without losing your dignity.

Stamie jokes she’s going to make out with Tracy in front of her mom. She says: “‘Bitch, you’re almost 60. How many baby steps you got in you?’ You know what I mean?” Well said. Hard to believe Stamie’s not in the “bitch’s” will already.

Being the captain of Team Tracy requires a little smack talk, I guess. Michele tells Stamie things could be worse — at least Zory is there, meeting her. That’s a first. And living a very out life makes it hard to go back in, even for a while. Stamie realizes that’s been part of the problem, all along.

“Gay people are so used to sort of, aborting their everything, and putting it to the side, just to make other people comfortable,” Michele says, “That’s the irony of gay people being accused of being in your face.” Or, in Stamie’s case, in your “c— face.”

Here, Stamie supervises Michele as she waxes her surfboard and Tracy brushes her teeth in the backyard.

Just another day in Los Feliz.

Elsewhere, Rose and Natalie are in her office. Rose is trying to teach her new assistant a basic Excel task, with no success. Put this data over here. OK, so put that data over there? No, the opposite. I get it. No, you don’t. Yes I do. You want that data over there. No! Oh boy. Remember when we thought working together was going to be a huge a mistake for Natalie? We were only half right.

Over at the airport, Nikki and Jill are picking up one of Nikki’s friends. Jill can’t understand why Nikki is acting like such a freak about being in position at the proper time. “Would you leave your mother stranded in an unfamiliar airport?” Nikki asks. No. no, you wouldn’t.

They stand at the bottom of an escalator, watching arriving passengers descend. Just then, Jill’s eyes widen. She rushes forward, exclaiming, “Shut… what? Oh my god! No f—ing way!” It’s her mother.

Jill is bursting with joy as she hugs her mom, Judy, nearly collapsing in her arms. Nikki smiles at her own foreshadowing and beams with satisfaction; she set the whole thing up. Nikki wipes a tear out from under her shades. Seeing Jill happy makes her happy.

Out to dinner, Rose and Natalie press onward for reasons only they understand, and celebrate another fitful month together. Already sensing that “trouble” is spelled d-i-n-a-h, Natalie wants to set some ground rules. Rose proposes, half-kiddingly, they not make out with anyone else. Natalie insists they have to fall back in love before they leave. Just like that? If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola.

Newly engaged and all in lurve, Mikey and Raquel don’t need any ground rules, except maybe that Raquel pack no more than 25 outfits for one day. While Super Femme empties her entire closet into one suitcase, Mikey asks if she would like her birthday present now. Does a femme want a gift? Did the little piggy cry wee wee wee all the way home?

Raquel unties a ribbon around Mikey’s wrist and finds her name tattooed there. How is that a gift for her, when Mikey gets to wear it? And here I thought girls liked diamonds. Eh, what do I know?

Mikey: I don’t know how to give my partner the emotional stuff that she wants, because I haven’t developed that side of me, because of how I grew up… But this is different. And I’m learning. I’m learning a lot more about myself.

Someone’s in therapy.

While Whitney and Scarlett, and Rose and Natalie hit the road to Palm Springs for Dinah, Jill and Nikki go with their moms to look for a new wedding dress for Jill. Which is gayer: Rose renting Dinah Shore’s former home for the weekend, or the fact that Nikki and Jill’s mothers’ names are Barbara and Judy?

The answer is “neither.” The gayest thing is lesbians advocating universal healthcare. While Jill tries on a more traditional wedding dress that forces Nikki to admit she was wrong about the first one, and Natalie scopes out which of Ms. Shore’s five bedrooms she might be tearfully locking herself in by tomorrow, Tracy and Stamie are shooting a PSA about healthcare.

Stamie has brought her daughter to the set, hoping that Zory will warm to her baby’s adorableness. After a brief resistance, Zory can’t help herself and bends down to ask the child about the flavor of her lollipop. Hey, if you’ve ever used your dog to pick up girls in the park, you have no right to judge.

Did I mention that Sara has moved to LA? Well, she did. Exciting, isn’t it? The engine of her U-Haul still warm, Princess One Feather has turned right around and left for Palm Springs with Whitney and company. Everyone (except Tor and Alyssa) arrives at the hotel, dumps their bags and literally runs straight out to the pool party, which has been underway for what appears to be a month.

Whitney’s feelings for Sara bubble to the surface again, as they mack in the pool, grind on each other by the DJ booth, and disappear into a sea of bikinis and mohawks.

Once again, here’s that dance craze I told you about earlier. Still sweeping the nation!

We like your pop. Your lock needs work.

Back at the ranch, Judy and Jill share some mother-daughter time after seeing the Malibu estate. She says, “I’m her only daughter, and I’m planning my wedding. And this only happens once.” Once? I love Jill’s optimism.

Judy tells Jill all the things Rose and Tracy might like their mothers to say: “Everything you’re doing is beautiful. I’m very, very, very glad you’re happy. That’s all we ever wanted; was for you to be happy.” Mine would add, “And to save money.” (It’s an Asian thing.)

Back in Palm Springs, Mikey and Raquel have arrived and pull up to the valet. Raquel greets the parking attendant like a long lost friend, with a great, big, “Hi! How are you?” He opens the car door for her, allowing her pagent hair and blinding white choppers to exit the vehicle and float into the hotel.

Mikey says the Dinah isn’t really their thing; they’re only staying the one day. Raquel has never been, and immediately starts looking for lesbians in the lobby. What little Raquel knows about the Dinah, she learned from a “tranny friend” who lied to her when he said all the women are hot.

Mikey: Basically, Dinah Shore is a huge opportunity for us to all kick back and make fun of a lot of bad haircuts, a lot of bad clothes, and a lot of mismatched relationships.

Who wants to go first?

Rose, Natalie and some friends hit the White Party. Rose suggests they do a “whore lap.” For some reason, this comes as a complete shock to Natalie, who says she can’t comprehend why Rose is acting as if she’s single. No idea. None.

Natalie opts to let it go, and spends the rest of the evening keeping her feelings in check by joylessly asking Rose to dance. Rose rewards her little dreamer by having sex with her and later admitting in an interview that she might need to grow up a tad. Excuse me. I just fell off my chair.

At Tracy’s birthday dinner, it’s all family and her closest friends. She’d love to give Stamie “the biggest kiss” but says she has to wait until her mother is back in New Jersey. Instead, she does the next gayest thing and hires an acoustic guitar-playing lesbian hipster to serenade everyone. Or maybe it’s just an earnest skinny guy. It’s so hard to tell these days.

Stamie says she can’t wait for Zory to go home. Yipes. Some thing are better left unsaid. But the visit has not been a total waste of everyone’s time.

Zory: I guess I’m the one who has to change. I know that she needed my support and it’s hard. It’s not easy. But, I want to be strong.

Tracy: It’s not about choosing Stamie or mom. It’s choosing me. That was the moment I realized it’s about choosing me.

The next day, Raquel gets her first real eyeful of a Dinah pool party. “Wowser!” is all she has to say about that. She particularly enjoyed the 40-somethings who celebrated their advanced years by making out with each other’s faces. In the final analysis, Raquel decides the scene is not for her. A woman like Raquel thrives on glamour and fabulousness. Sadly, board shorts and shower shoes are neither.

Shortly after their arrival at the pool, Natalie insists they use the bathroom because there’s no line or something. Rose doesn’t appreesh her tone, and they’re off to the races. “That’s rude, man.” “I’m sorry. I don’t even want to fight about it.” “You don’t do that to me.” “OK, I’m sorry.” Rose tells Natalie to go away for a minute — she’s killing her party buzz. Blah blah. I’ve never missed Grey’s Anatomy so much in my life.

Over by the shallow end, Whitney and Sara continue exploring their potential for a real relationship by mashing their tattoos together, between sips of lukewarm beer. Out of the crowd steps Romi. Sara breaks free from Whitney and starts hugging the latecomer. Well, that’s hella interesting. Turns out, Romi and Sara have been Facebook friends for a while, without Whitney’s knowledge. Compare notes much, girls?

Moments later, we see that Rose has wandered off while Natalie was enjoying a wait-free pee. When Natalie catches up to her, they go another round in front of their friends. Public fighting is like watching a comedy. Who wants Milk Duds?

Natalie takes off with a friend, while Rose tells her crew her girlfriend’s “a dumb bitch.” I’m giving this one to Rose; Natalie’s whining, cloying apologies, and puerile, empty taunts are making me want to break up with her.

Meanwhile, Whitney has two girls and can’t find either of them. She wanders the entire area, scanning the crowd. Oh, there they are, in the pool.

Is this payback? Is it the Dinah? Or is it the intoxicating allure of being on TV? Whatever it is, the door to Whitney’s guarded heart, which had cracked open for the first time yesterday, just slammed shut. But you know what they say: When one door closes, another one opens.

Unfortunately for Whitney, the other opening door is over at Tracy’s house. Zory is safely back in Jersey and calls to tell Tracy she has wonderful friends and, oh yeah, “You’re not doing anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong.” Relieved and touched, Tracy knows she and her mom have come a long way. Now, if only she would accept Stamie’s Facebook friend request.

Back in Palm Springs, Rose thinks she and Natalie are just taking a little break from each other to party apart. Too bad this time, Natalie is the one who’s taking off in a huff: Rose stops by the house, where she finds Natalie packing up her things. Going somewhere, sugarpants?

Rose: Did you take my money?

Natalie: No, your money is here. Don’t worry.

Rose: OK. Well, you took all my drink tickets.

Natalie: Well, I just needed something to write… ’cause I do work for you, but you don’t pay me.

Rose: Oh, I don’t pay you, but I don’t spend more than you make on your f—ing clothes.

Natalie: Rose. I’m not taking any of your f—ing stuff. You’re good.

Oh good, they’re fighting about that oldie but goodie: money. At least I think they are. I’m not sure what they’re trying to say. Natalie wanted to write a note on a drink ticket? Rose spends less on drinks than Natalie spends on clothes? Couples have short-hand that’s sometimes hard for outsiders to understand. In this case, I don’t speak Crazypants.

Their circular, tedious sniping and name-calling escalates as the other housemates hide in their rooms. Behind a closed door, Natalie pulls Rose’s hair and finally screams, “Leave me the f— alone!!” Yes, please do. I’m this close to hanging myself.

Mikey and Raquel are getting ready to go out. Mikey’s done in 10 minutes flat, because that’s how long it takes to change from her daytime Chucks to her nighttime Chucks. Raquel, however, is a whole ‘nother breed; the kind you can fall asleep waiting for. Mikey goes into the bathroom to see what’s taking so long and finds Raquel putting on a corset. Awesome.

The trussing and squeezing and pushing together of boobage reminds them of when they first started dating. They never do make it out that night. Keeping the romance alive with fetish wear. That’s what it’s all about.

In more banal news: Jill’s mom, Judy is heading home. Jill’s sad to see her leave, but they had a fun-filled week of wedding things and girl talk. She feels at peace, having shared this giant part of her life, and loves Nikki all the more for having arranged the whole thing. “It was a nice time,” Nikki says, sincerely.

Stamie is more on board with the comic George Burns, who said it best: ” Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

It’s the last day of Dinah. Mikey and Raquel throw their room service trays into the hallway, pack up their 25 pounds of bathroom and hair product, and head home. Rose closes up her rental house and becomes introspective about Natalie, who’s gone, baby gone.

Rose: Was I the best girlfriend ever? No. But I’ve been the best girlfriend out of my 35 years, to her. It is what it is, ya know? It was a work in progress. But now that it’s over, it’ll be someone else’s happiness.

Somewhere near West Covina, Natalie is driving alone and has her own epiphanies: Rose is mean and talks down to her. She’s not a punching bag. Aw. Don’t sell yourself short, honey.

Here they are in their hilariously telling NOH8 photo.

Damn. Why didn’t we think of that?

As the sun sets on Tracy’s crotch for the last time, we’re comforted by the fact that life goes on. Nikki and Jill are registered at Gucci, in case you’re feeling generous. Mikey is selling her “Team Mikey” T-shirts to benefit the Susan G. Komen breast cancer charity. Tracy will have an agent any day now. Rose got a promotion, despite hiring Natalie. And Whitney came home from Dinah, shot her zombie film, lost Sara and Romi, and came full circle: “I am single as hell. So ladies, watch out.”

Over at LAX, pretty brunettes from Ohio and Florida are landing with nothing but a duffle bag full of dreams. Go get ’em, tiger.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button