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“Rizzoli & Isles” Very Special Lesbian Episode Recap (1.06): “I Kissed a Girl”

OK, I could tell you about the storyline of last night’s Rizzoli & Isles. But, let’s be honest, we’re not really here for the plot – we’re here for the subtext. So while I will do my due diligence and give cursory attention to tonight’s central murder, I really want to talk about the flirting.

The very special Rizzoli & the Isles of Lesbos episode starts in the most poorly lit lesbian bar in the history of gay bars. Why are the lights so bright? No one is going to make out with you with lights this bright. Also, a woman is stumbling out of the club in clear distress. So let that be a lesson to you kids: the magic ratio is one glass of water for every one cocktail.

Now Angie Harmon is in a sports bra, so I have no idea what else is happening. I think she and Sasha Alexander are in a yoga class. Then a smarmy looking yoga instructor says something about mind and body and breaks the mood. Also Antonio Sabato Jr. (Jorge) is grinning like an idiot for some reason. Maybe because he is an idiot – his character, I mean.

Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles arrive at the scene. Poor stumbly bar lady is now poor-bludgeoned-in-the-head lady. Things look bad – she was sexually assaulted. They notice her wedding ring. Rizzoli says the husband is automatically a suspect, to which her partner Detective Frost (different, clearly, from her life partner Isles) says, “Are you getting ready for an I hate men speech?” Lesbians! They don’t like men – get it? That never gets old.

Isles breaks up the man-hate by saying they aren’t looking for a husband. She shows them what appears to be a wedding photo of the victim and her wife on her iPad. Sheesh, did she have time to cruise the dead woman’s Facebook page?

Said wife is now in the precinct being comforted by Rizzoli. It’s Brenda Strong, from Desperate Housewives and Seinfeld, who happens to be the captain of her LGBT Bowling League. I can only assume the softball team captain position was already taken. She tells Rizzoli she has a right to know who murdered her wife, because the commonwealth of Massachusetts recognizes their marriage.

Rizzoli gives her an understanding forearm rub and says, “So right, honey. Still crossing my fingers for our brothers and sisters in California. No H8!” What? That’s what I heard.

Rizzoli and Isles flirt over the dearly deceased’s body. They pretend to talk about dumb, grinning Jorge. But instead they make intense eye contact and talk about deer skin. Isles says something about it being soft and tough. Which is also, coincidentally, how she likes her women. And then they notice the club stamp on the victim’s hand which reads “Merch,” Welsh for “girl.”

So, naturally, Rizzoli runs right out to check out this girl club. When there’s a new place to find fresh meat, you don’t waste a second. The bartender is Missi Pyle. She has on a vest and wrist-cuff watch. So on the lesbian fashion stereotypes scale she rates about a 6 out of 10.

She hands them a flyer for some anti-gay group spouting on about depraved sons and daughters being punished for their sins. Also there’s a big crossed-out red circle over a picture of two girls kissing. Rizzoli turns dramatically to the camera and calls this case a hate crime.

Back at the precinct Rizzoli brings in the leader of the adorable hate group Sons & Daughters of Adam. He is bald with a ponytail, and that’s really all you need to know about him. He pulls out a list of his membership, which is thicker than a phonebook. So, in case you’ve forgotten, a lot of people hate us. And those people have terrible Photoshopping skills.

Later that night, Rizzoli and Isles go on a super spectacular double date with their super spectacular beards. Rizzoli tells a story about violently tackling a naked guy, to a guy who wants to see her naked. Isles tepidly accepts a neck kiss from her smarmy yoga instructor. They give each other meaningful looks that say, “How fast can we ditch these losers and start making out?” And then Rizzoli suggests exactly that as she tells her date that, “Actually, it’s getting kind of late.”

Isles uses the “come with me to the restroom” ruse. Enough with the coded lesbian speak. Kiss already. They pretend to think their dates are sexy. But Rizzoli also says just because Jorge looks in yoga class doesn’t mean she’ll like how he looks in her bed. Only Isles looks sexy in her bed. Isles informs her that sex releases some sort of globulin that works on colds. So let that be the second lesson from this episode, kids: starve a fever, have sex with a cold.

We also learn that Isles carries around a shaving kit with her on dates. Because, ladies, you just never know, amiright?

Jorge uses you’re “like a racecar, finely tuned — beautiful, fast” as an actual pickup line. He also is a male nurse who wants to be a stay-at-home daddy. This show is like parents who can’t accept their daughter is gay and keep setting her up with tragically inappropriate men.

While questioning the burly bar bouncer, Isles interrupts Rizzoli to tell her the DNA came back and the murderer is a woman. What is this world coming to? Male nurses and women murderers — you see, this is why people voted for Nixon. Also, the victim was raped by a “non-biological phallic-shaped object.” Or, as Rizzoli helpfully clarifies under her breathe, “You mean a (whispers) dildo?” Murder by dildo. Well, that is a new one.

Turns out the victim spent lots of time on sites like Cupid4Girls.com and LipstickDate.com. The detectives ask why gays would work so hard to get married to do the same thing that straight couples do. Um, because gay marriages are just like straight marriages. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t, sometimes they end with the partners cheating on tackily named online dating sites.

Because the victim and Rizzoli look alike, the detectives concoct a plan for her to set up dates on the same sites and troll for possible suspect in lesbian bars. Wow, that’s some stellar police work there. Naturally, Isles sets up her online dating profile. You’ve got to keep track of what your woman is up to. There’s a big discussion over whether Isles is “femme,” “butch,” “lipstick,” “Chapstick” or “sporty.” Isles seems perplexed that Rizzoli could be considered “butch.” Sweetie, have you looked at your girlfriend recently?

Setting up her online profile clearly set the mood because next they’re in Rizzoli’s house drinking wine on her bed. Because all straight women drink wine together in bed when there are also couches and armchairs in the house. Leaning back, Rizzoli says, “Maybe I should be a lesbian.” To which every lesbian watching at home screams: DO IT!

Rizzoli also insists Isles go with her undercover to the lesbian bar. Seriously, this show is ridiculously gay. While checking her personal ad responses, one of the ladies profiles says she has front row tickets to the Celtics and Rizzoli acknowledges, “Well, I might flip for that.” And then this dialog happens.

Isles: I wonder what kind of women we would like if we liked women.

Rizzoli: What? Well, first of all, I would be the guy.

I: That’s a cliché. Why would you be the guy?

R: Because.

I: Because you’re bossy?

R: So are you.

I: No, I’m not.

R: Yes, you are. You’re just soft and polite when you’re bossing people around.

I: Well it’s a good thing you’re not my type.

R: What do you mean I’m not your type? That is so rude.

I: Well, you don’t know how to relax. And you wear your shoes and your clothes to bed. And you just admitted you’re bossy.

R: Yeah, I’m bossy. You put my picture and profile on a gay dating site and I’m bossy. Right. After I said no by the way – what are you doing?

I: Meditating, it’s too stressful to argue with you.

And then Isles “accidentally” spends the night. The old “guess I feel asleep while I was meditating” chestnut. They pretend to talk about Jorge again and Jane says, “If I wanted someone to talk the dog with me and talk about my feelings I’d be gay.” And, once more, all the lesbians scream at their screens: TRY IT!

Back at the world’s most poorly lit lesbian bar, Rizzoli struts in (she has brought the force’s most obviously gay officer with her) and lifts up her shirt to get her wire attached right in front of the bartender. So, naturally, she hits on her saying Rizzoli has “beautiful, dominant energy” and leaves her a standing offer if she is ever feeling “adventurous.” Isles, meanwhile, is dressed as a corset-wearing cocktail waitress. Rizzoli wants her to cover up her lady business, because no one should look at her woman but her.

A parade of bad lesbian dates happens next. The first date is wearing a jean jacket from 1993. The second date (out actress Deborah Stewart) says Rizzoli will break her heart. The third date works in a thigh graze. And the fourth date is the requisite creepy red herring. At one point Rizzoli catches an eyeful of what can only tactfully be called Isles’ amazing rack. I think we can safely say she had a “come to Jesus” moment.

But it turns out none of the dates matched the murderer. Instead, they find out the grieving widow has motive to the tune of $500,000.

The victim was diabetic and her insulin pump was tampered with. But the widow has an alibi (lesbian bowling, remember?). So Rizzoli heads back to the club to see the cute bartender, er, ask more questions. She notices her wearing soft yet tough deer-skin gloves while moving boxes. So how do we crack this one, Rizzoli? Flirt with the bartender, tell her you’re feeling adventurous. And the bartender’s reply to that obvious sexual invitation is to gently nuzzle her on the neck.

But it was all just a clever ploy to say, “Would you swab my neck for DNA?” to Isles. Blah, blah – wife conspired with her bartender lover to kill the inconvenient wife and make off with the inheritance. Rizzoli says it’s the “Same old story, kills the wife for the money.” OK, sure, so we’re just like straight people – we, too, can be horrible, money-grubbing cheaters with homicidal tendencies. Progress: isn’t it fantastic?

Back at yoga, Jorge thinks Rizzoli is a lesbian (because, dude, she is a lesbian) and then she and Isles push and flirt with each other until the screen fades to black.

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