Archive

“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.10): Stop Trying to Make Glamp Happen

If there’s one thing Pretty Little Liars has taught us it’s that not everyone who sports a tattoo with your friend’s death date on it is actually a murderer. Maybe 911 is also the date someone launched a grenade at his sister-robot’s head, blinding her so that he didn’t have to bonk her anymore. Maybe if you spent less time calling the cops on his vampiric ass and more time learning CPR, you’d be able to do more than scream helplessly into the night when your bestie stops breathing. What I’m saying is: You judge a creeper by his cover and someone is going to get hit by a car. OK? It’s like the rules of Glamping.

Glamping? Oh, yes: Glamping. It’s time for Mona’s birthday party and she has invited the PLLs to go Glamor Camping with her at Camp Mona. Hanna is in, obvs, because Mona is totes her BFF 4evs. And the other PLLs are in because “A” texts them to say Glamping is actually going to be a scavenger hunt … for her. Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” is like my number one favorite literary trope ever! Gossip Girl, you lose! Selling your girlfriend into prostitution is out! Human prey is in!

Also in? Low budget porn in the principal’s office. The FBI has taken over Ali’s murder investigation from the always-professional, super-competent Detective Snape. Their first order of business is to show the PLLs a DVD of Alison getting all Lily Kane-y on a sex tape. From the 20 seconds of footage, the PLLs deduce that: a) The video was shot at the Kissing Rock (with which Emily is intimately familiar, apparently). b) The video was shot the night of Ali’s murder, by c) the older dude she was shagging – who d) must be Boo Radley van Cullen because e) Ali is wearing his sweater. Boom! Murder solved! Scooby snacks for everyone!

While the FBI goes a-lookin’ for Boo Radley van Cullen and his one-of-a-kind sweater, the PLLs pull their daily hijinks.

Aria has finally given in to the coconut-scented goodness that is Noel Kahn. He invites her over to cuddle and watch old movies, which is the most realistic teenage thing to ever happen on this show. Aria says yes. Gilbert Blythe overhears her and steam starts coming out of his ears like a cartoon wabbit. He may be a little bit older than Aria, but he knows no matter where you live, no matter what year it is, “Want to come over and watch movies” is code for, “Want to come over and see how close you’ll let me get to touching your boobs?” Aria feels the heat of his jealousy like he’s shooting actual lasers at her – like he’s JennaBot over here – and she is like, “You had your chance, Gilbert Blythe! At least now my breasts will never get sunburned!”

And she keeps her haughtiness in tact right up until she finds the poem Gilbert published about her called “B-26”: It’s a number / It’s a song / It’s a girl … Maybe bingo / Lucky night?. And I seriously love you, Gil, but Dan Humphrey published a poem in the first season of Gossip Girl and it was called “Sluts” and it was infinitely more awesome than that. To wit: Shaving your head and handling me (so delicately) / with satin and lace / you’re a whore. You’ve gotta commit to the imagery, man!

Anyway, Aria reads the poem and gets all up in Gil’s Wocket about how could he say he didn’t have any feelings for her when this poem (about “maybe Bingo”) proves that he has feelings for her. (That’s gay. That’s a gay thing to say. Let’s start drinking when these PLLs say gay things. GO.) Noel interrupts them and pulls Aria away and Mr. Blythe hurls that poetry book across his classroom! (GAY! DRINK!)

Hanna, meanwhile, is having to deal with Mona-mania. Mona wants to go to some kind of posh restaurant for her birthday lunch and so Mrs. Hanna hands over her last hundred-dollar bill to cover the cost. (I guess all of Hanna’s Ebay money went toward that giant-ass ham she bought and stuffed in the fridge two episodes ago. Remember that thing? It was like the Roast Beast from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.) Hanna is like, “Mom, no. We’re so broke the bank is going to kick us out onto the street like urchins!” And Mrs. Hanna goes, “Don’t even worry about it. I’ma just be over here poisoning an old lady with butterscotch and robbing an old lady who’s got more money than Diddy.

And how grateful is Mona? Zero. Zero grateful. She receives a text from “A” saying that Hanna lost all her “weight” via the means of liposuction. Mona totally uninvites Hanna on the Glamping trip because getting liposuction is like so less hip than an eating disorder. And she can’t have someone without an eating disorder at her birthday party. I mean, right? There are going to be girls there in their bathing suits.

The PLLs are like, “What’s going on with you and Mona?” And Hanna literally goes, “I think she just broke up with me.” (GAY! DRINK!) Also, honey, you dodged a bullet with that one. Though I kinda wish you’d saved your dodging skills for later in the episode.

Spencer’s sister, Melissa, is still pissed that Spencer made out with her fiance and so when Melissa’s ex-boyfriend Ian shows back up, Spencer encourages them to rekindle their romance. Melissa is like, “But he doesn’t even have a British accent!” True. Fair. And also: He is a bigger creeper than Boo. Oh, and he and Spencer also had a “moment.”

Spencer flashes back to Ali catching her and Ian making out during a field hockey (GAY! DRINK!) training session.

But what Melissa doesn’t know won’t kill her. OR WILL IT?

Emily and Maya are cuddled up across town in Emily’s bed. Maya strokes Emily’s hair and they chit-chat about nothing, and even though their relationship is super new and they are super attracted to one another, they do not make out at all. (Do not drink. That is not gay. That is TV gay.) Emily’s phone rings and she tells Maya to answer it, because even if it’s her mom, she doesn’t have to know they’re together together. Then out of the blue clear sky – the way all characters appear on this show – Emily’s dad comes home from Iraq/Afghanistan. Emily’s mom goes Mama Carlin and tells Maya to GTFO before she throws her out by the hair. Emily snuggles up to her dad and Maya looks on forlornly and thinks about how much breasts she will not be touching until Sargent Emily gets deployed again.

Later, Sargent Emily comes up to Emily’s room to talk about how it’s a poor choice to take a vampire to prom, and Emily thinks very hard about coming out to him. Instead she settles on telling him she missed him. Out in the hallway Emily’s mom grasps the photo of Emily and Maya kissing and thinks about how she’s going to axe-murder Maya in her sleep.

On the way to Camp Mona, Boo Radley van Cullen apparates into Emily’s back seat. He’s got no time for salutations. Instead he just starts up the conversation he and Emily were having at homecoming – right before she lost consciousness. “So, like I was saying, I totally didn’t kill Alison and the only reason I was making monkey with JennBot is because she threatened to use her plasma cannon on me!”

Emily is like, “But dude, I saw a video of Alison the night she was murdered and she was wearing your sweater!” Boo gently takes her face in his hands and goes, “Remember The One with the Red Sweater, Emily? Phoebe thought the red sweater belonged to Tag, but he wasn’t the father of Rachel’s baby at all. It was Ross! Ross had a red sweater too!” He tells Emily to meet him at the church before he goes running off with his ol’ reform school buds, Misery and Company.

Camp Mona makes Blair Waldorf’s galas look like Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. She’s got a mani-pedi tent, a massage station, and “blow-me bar.” She even made Camp Mona hoodies for everyone, and I’m not gonna lie: I’d wear the shit out of one of those things. Hanna hasn’t joined the other PLLs; she’s going to be watching with binoculars from afar when they go “A” Hunting.

Spencer remembers the exact location where they found Ali’s bracelet and Aria looks at her fondly and says, “You are a freak, but I love you. Some people ship me with Gilbert. Some people ship me with this hat. Heather Hogan ships me with you.” (GAY! DRINK!) Mona tells Aria and Emily it’s “time to get blown” so Spencer goes traipsing off into the Forbidden Forest alone because she has never seen a horror movie.

Spencer finds a clue and goes back to tell Aria and Emily, and then the best thing on the whole show so far happens.

Spencer Hastings, your voice.

Gil texts Aria about how he needs to see her for a sex emergency, and so she goes to meet him. Through her binoculars, Hanna sees them making out in Gil’s car. “A” sees them making out too and so she decides to write on the window, “I see you.” (Zero points for subtlety – which, again: GAY! DRINK!)

Hanna spots “A!” She recognizes her! She texts the others, “I know who ‘A’ is!” And, just – I mean, she could have texted Aria to open up the damn car door. Or she could have actually texted who “A” is. But no! Emily, Aria and Spencer come running to the parking lot, giddy with anticipation. Hanna, relieved to see their Pretty Little faces, takes off in a trot to meet them. And in the shadows, a Chevy Malibu roars to life. The PLLs scream, “HANNA!” And “A” just mows her right the fuck over.

Hanna falls to the ground. Her eyes close. And the PLLs gather ’round to shout her name over and over and over. “She knew too much,” texts “A.”

Somewhere in the night, a vampire is arrested. A werewolf howls. A robot rests. A witch waits. A lesbian processes. A mother clutches a wad of stolen cash. A sex tapes shows that Ali was screwing Ian.

And the Risen Mitten drives on.

My darlings, the Tweets in this recap were only a whisper of the awesome trumpeting that was #BooRadleyVanCullen last night. Read the whole stream. It is infinitely better than this recap. And I’ll see your Pretty Little faces in January! (XOXO)

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button