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“True Blood” mini-cap 3.8: “Night on the Sun”

Sookie is still in the hospital but she’s calming down a bit after she realizes Bill is not trying to eat her anymore. Alcide tells Bill to Back off and Tara starts swearing all crazy. They’re all pissed at Bill for attempting to drain Sookie of her special blood but she wants to speak with him alone.

Bill asks, “You’re afraid of me? I never meant to hurt you. I couldn’t stop. I can’t take back what I’ve done.” Sookie’s like “Damn right!” But she is realizing now it’s all “too much.” She likes things like having blood and going out in the sunlight. She wants to have kids and grow old, and Bill wants her to have that too, but he can’t give it to her.

They both say they love one another and then Bill, bloody tears streaming down his face, unhooks the IV from his vein and leaves Sookie in tears.

Back at the King’s mansion, the Queen is not excited about her tiny room and Talbot is even less thrilled about her moving in. Russell tries to soothe him. “At least you’re safe. That’s what matters most to me.” Talbot calls his BS: “Words!” Then Russell tells him he’s killed the Magister. Talbot freaks out and tells his partner he’s “acting like a century old child” and he can’t buy his way out of everything.

Eric interrupts to say there’s someone in the study. Oh look, it’s pretty.

“They killed my Cooter!” Debbie says. She wants to go after Sookie and Alcide to rip their heads off. Eric wants to keep Sookie alive because she’s special.

“She’s a c–t!” Debbie argues.

“But she’s a special c–t.” Russell says. Eric nods in agreement.

Poor Sookie will never be uninvolved, no matter how many time she breaks up with Bill.

Russell wants to know if he can trust Eric. Eric gets on bended knee to worship the King, telling him all the right things: “You’re a leader,” killing the Magister was “brave and uncompromising,” “I will show you just how deep my loyalty runs.”

Terry is singing into Arlene’s stomach and suddenly he turns into Renee, the serial killer from season one and the likely baby daddy. “You’re gonna finish what your daddy started, ain’t you? Just like your old man,” he tells her tummy. Arlene flips out and wakes up next to Terry, who tells her it was all a dream. She has Rosemary’s Baby issues.

Bill returns home to Jessica, who tells him how much she’s missed him. But then he tries to release her and she’s like “Um, what?” She refuses to leave and tells him she accidentally drained someone. She doesn’t know anything about being a vampire and, as her maker, he needs to teach her how to survive. She throws a tantrum and begins to cry. “I don’t want to be alone anymore!” Bill stops being such a meanie and gives her a hug.

At Sookie’s, Alcide won’t leave her alone even though he acknowledges she’s tougher “than a one-eyed alley cat.”

Before she can be referred to as any other members of the feline family, Jason and Andy show up. Sookie’s brother wants her to press charges against Bill. He is happy enough with the idea she broke up with him for now. Sookie starts reading his mind and hears him think “She might find me out.” So she asks him what the hell that was about and he gets upset with her for trespassing. He calls vampires “fangers” on his way out, and Sookie tells him Gran didn’t raise him like that. “Please just tell me you ain’t gonna do anything stupid!” She should know he can’t promise that.

Lafayette wants to know what happened to Tara while she was away, but she is too terrified to even think about it, much less describe it to someone else. Seriously, throughout this whole episode she looks like she is scrizing – screaming with her eyes.

In the shower, she begins to rub her loofah in a, uh, feelgood spot and then Franklin appears. He bares his fangs and then she gets so turned on, she starts to kiss him.

Suddenly, she, too, is just having a bad dream.

When Lafayette returns home, his mama throws a pan at him on the porch to announce her arrival. She’s insisting the vampires are coming for her, but Lafayette is more concerned about her coming for him. That woman is a nut.

Sam gets a visitor. It looks like a nice enough dog, but it’s his naked biological mother.

She’s coming to pack up her stuff. Her sons try to get her to leave Joley, but she said she can’t: She loves him. She is also really broke so she asks Sam for money. He reluctantly gives her what he has in his wallet, which appears to be a good chunk of cash. “That ain’t gonna get us far,” his mom says and he says he doesn’t give a f–k where it gets her, “as long as it’s out of here.” Tommy starts crying and Sam consoles him.

Sookie is laying outside sunbathing, something she used to do all the time before Bill came into her life.

Tara comes outside and ruins her good time by telling her to get over Bill. “I can’t just flip a switch and turn my heart off,” Sookie tells her. “You know what you sound like?” Tara says. “One of those sad country songs about dumb bitches who let their men cheat and beat on them for the sake of true love. Let me tell you something – at the end of those songs, the dumb bitches always end up dead.”

Sookie sits up. “Did you just call me a dumb bitch?” Mhm! Tara says yes. Sookie argues that she’s killed, too, and she’s also wanted to cheat before. She doesn’t think she’s so different from Bill. She also knows that Tara is deflecting – whatever she is feeling is about her and not so much about Sookie. She tries to ask Tara about Franklin, but she would rather leave than discuss him. On her way out, Alcide says hello and Tara says she hopes he can flirt some sense into Sookie “because logic sure ain’t workin’.”

At Merlotte’s, Arelene is interviewing a new waitress who seems to be A-OK with all the waitresses dying and everything else that happens around the joint. Her name is Holly, and she is totally fine with vampires. It’s the recession and she’s got two children. She’ll do whatever it takes. Sam walks in and Arelne introduces Holly adding, “Don’t sleep with her!”

Crystal comes over to Jason’s all wet and with a black eye, demanding the use of his truck.

He won’t give it up until she says what the hell happened to her, which she obliges after he gets her a towel and some whiskey. She says Phil, her fiancee, hit her after she tried to leave him. She swam all the way to Jason’s but only wants his truck. Too bad, he says. He starts kissing her and says he wants her to stay. “You don’t know them!” she says of her drug dealing family. “They don’t know me,” he retorts and they make out on the couch.

Jesus comes over to Lafayette’s to retrieve the escaped loon. She is not thrilled to see him so she grabs a knife and threatens them. “I ain’t going back there! It’s the drugs that make me crazy!”

She says that Lafayette is in trouble and she wants to protect him. Jesus promises he won’t let anything happen to her son and then says “Give the knife and let’s watch some TV.” She agrees, despite being TV being all “faggots and killers.”

Hadley is coming out of the Queen’s room wearing a lacey lingerie get up. Too bad we didn’t get to see her actually in the room! Eric grabs her and instructs her to go to Sookie with a message.

Alcide informs Sookie that Debbie and her wolfy goons have burnt down his sister’s hair salon. He’s seething, but he wants Sookie to come with him to Jackson. “Russell and his wolves will come back for you at any time.” Sookie says Bill will come if she’s in danger. Alcide knows Sookie can handle herself and they share a tender moment over both being stupidly obsessed with other people. A hug turns into a sniff of the neck (him), and a close nose touch. “You’ll come back and see me sometime?” Sookie asks. “You can bet on it,” Alcide says.

Tommy is interested in why the hell Tara is so crazy behind the bar and Sam says not to mess with her. “She’s going through some stuff.” Then Hoyt shows up asking if Jessica is working and Tommy tells him to leave her alone.

They almost get into it but Sam pushes Tommy into his office. Sam tells his lil’ bro he doesn’t need to fight people all the time. He can actually do something else, like have ambition. Tommy freaks out. “You don’t know me at all, do you?”

Bill and Jessica are playfighting and Jessica is so proud that she’s getting faster. Suddenly it turns into a discussion about Sookie. “The whole time she was looking for you she was wearing your ring!” She refuses to believe they are over, despite ending things with Hoyt for the same reasons. “I love Hoyt but he’s so good and sweet and he deserves to be with somebody who deserves him.”

Sookie is looking at a photo album with a singular photo of her and Bill. When did she have the time to put it together? No one knows. But the rest of the pages are blank and so it’s a pretty boring read.

She grabs her gun because she hears a noise, but it’s cousin Hadley. “Oh my god! Where have you been?” Hadley asks if Gran is there. Yeah, she’s been gone a while.

“I didn’t come here to visit. I’ve got a message for you from Eric Northman,” Hadley tells her cuz. “Russell is coming for you. Don’t trust Bill.”

Sookie rolls her eyes. “And I’m supposed to trust Eric?” Hadley is in tears and Sookie is confused why she’s involved with any of this. Hadley says she’s so sorry and leaves, but not before Sookie hears her think “I told them about you. It’s all my fault.”

Talbot and the King are arguing again. “All you care about is your precious collection!” Talbot says. Then he begins taking things from the glass case and smashing them on the floor. He picks up the viking crown and Eric stops him. “I know I’m a poor substitute, but I’d be honored to keep you company,” Eric says. The King mouths “Thank you” as he knows Eric is taking one for the team.

Jason and Crystal totally had sex, and now they’re hungry. He tells her to jump in the shower while he runs out to get some food. As soon as she’s in the bathroom, Jason is grabbing his rifle.

Sam smells trouble at Merlotte’s and in walks the drug dealers Crystal is hiding from. Her dad says he’s looking for her and Phil, her fiancee, says she’s “Blonde, pretty” and has a black eye because she’s “real clumsy and walked into the wall.” Apparently she parked Phil’s truck outside. Crystal’s dad calls Sam a shifter and Tommy tries to step in. The troublemakers leave and Sam asks Tommy, “Did you smell that?” He did, and I don’t think he means the dirt all over their sweaty white trash bodies. They must be something else.

Jesus wants Lafayette to quit dealing drugs. “All that energy you got could go dark if you let it.” He feels that Lafayette is “too powerful.” Lafayette says he doesn’t have a choice. He’s tried to stop dealing but it’s not that easy. Jesus stops him with a kiss. Apparently dealing isn’t a deal breaker.

Eric and Talbot are playing chess, until Tablot is bored. “Take off your clothes.” They start getting it on and gay men everywhere move closer to their HD screens for the best view of Alex Skarsgard. Eric says it’s been a long time since he’s done this. “A man?” Talbot asks. “No, a vampire.”

Jason and his gun(s) are at the drug dealer’s place, where blood is all over the floor and hillbilly music is coming out of a clock radio. He spots a naked guy eating a dead deer and runs outside – right into Crystal’s father. Jason tells him that Crystal is never coming back there and to leave her alone. He doesn’t appear to be threatened.

The wolves begin showing up at Sookie’s. One of them, of course, is Debbie. Little do they know, Bill and Jessica are hiding downstairs and ready to take them on. Debbie runs right upstairs to Sookie’s room and kicks her door down. Sookie has a gun. “I don’t want to kill you but I will.” Debbie says she has nothing left to live for anyway because Sookie took it all.

Outside, Jessica is in the hands of Russell and Bill demands he let her go. “I’ll trade you the red one for the blonde one,” he tells Bill.

He takes a bite out of Jessica and throws her to the wolves – literally. She runs off into the woods. Then the King pushes Bill on the ground and burns him with his silver spurs.

At least Sookie can handle herself against Debbie. They are fighting hardcore in her bedroom. They have met each other’s match, that’s for sure. Then Sookie grabs a pair of scissors and slashes Debbie across the face.

Sookie grabs her gun again and shoots at the wall. “Next time I won’t miss.” Debbie takes her cue and darts out the window.

Eric asks Talbot to turn over. “Yes daddy.” “Russell took my family, now I take his,” Eric says before staking Talbot. Russell feels it and disappears, leaving Bill alone on the lawn. He runs upstairs and finds Sookie, where he begins eating her face and she tells him she loves him.

An Otep song starts playing as they have sex on the floor.

My final thought from this episode: We got the shaft. There was straight sex and gay sex, but Hadley was just shown post-sex. I demand more lesbian sex, Alan Ball. Make it work.

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