Archive

“The Real L Word” minicap 108: “Runway Bride”

Girls cry in bed for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s out of loneliness, sometimes out of fear. Sometimes, it’s because they just feel like it. Girls are weird like that.

If you’ve ever made a girl cry because she was overwhelmed with the joyous revelation of amazing sex, good on you, killer. I once had a girl cry in bed, but Sophie’s Choice was on in the background, so I’m not sure what was going on. Sex is confusing.

There may be no crying in baseball, but there does seem to be some crying in softball — more than one of the girls report shedding a tear. OK, actually, it’s only Nikki and Jill. Nikki cried the first time, because it was such an emotional experience, and Jill cries with regularity, because she has a “sensitivity chip.” Rose and Mikey both claim they’ve made one or two ladies cry. Clearly, they missed the “in bed” part of the question.

Whitney doesn’t even understand the concept; she’s never heard of such a thing.

What? Cry? Do girls do really that? Why? Um, maybe because they had naked, strap-on sex on camera and couldn’t stop it from airing?

This week, we pick up where we left off. Natalie went looking for some love in the club, but Rose was long gone. Left flat and locked out, Natalie is still being consoled by friends, while Rose is secretly on her way to meet her ex, Angel. Previously, Rose said Angel was crazy, and their breakup was so ugly, a restraining order became necessary. Rose mentions that two weeks after they broke up, she was with Natalie. Shocking.

Now, she thinks Angel is the only one who understands her. Rose-colored glasses were named after Rose. Across town, and far from Natalie’s whimpering, the two exes meet and proceed to process.

Angel: You and I had a very chaotic, crazy, toxic relationship. I think a lot of that was because of the fact that, you know, you cheated. Why did you want me to come meet you here?

Rose: You know that you and I have already established that we would be there for each other.

Angel: We never established this when we broke up.

Sure you did. You just weren’t there when Rose decided this for you.

Now clear and calm from living in a Rose-free zone, Angel says she’s moved on. The more Angel insists she’s over Rose, the more confused Rose looks. Her smile droops. Rose can’t quite hear her, mostly because she longs for someone who can tame her inner-Godzilla.

Angel tells Rose to make up with Natalie and “go do what you do best.” Would that be trampling downtown Tokyo or wearing stripper boobs like a jaunty cap?

The day after her infamous White Trash Party, Whitney tells an angry Tor that Romi “raped” her. Really? Is that the word you want to use to explain your drunky shenanigans? If anything was “raped,” it was my corneas.

Nikki and Jill look at two other venues for their wedding. Nikki wants Jill to see how inferior they are, so she’ll agree to the Malibu estate that sits high on a bluff, just outside their budget. Nikki wrinkles her nose at the online pictures, saying one looks haunted and smelly, and the other is no better than the house they live in. She wants “magical.”

Jill finally relents on the exclusive property in the Malibu colony, making Nikki the happiest bride this side of Goldie Hawn’s sand-caked toenails.

Nikki and Jill aren’t the only ones hemorrhaging money. Mikey had to rent a ginormous tent for her LA Fashion circus. She rides over to the studio on her motorcycle to admire her 20-foot erection.

Is it LA Fashion Week, or are you just glad to see me?

Mikey’s beside herself with excitement and shouts a big thanks at the crew, who wonder, “Who’s that boy with the strange hair, and why is he yelling at us?”

Tracy is still on a mission to have her mother accept her life and her girlfriend. Mom has been ignoring the rainbow elephant in the room for years, and Tracy’s patience with her pleas for “baby steps” is wearing thin. The only baby steps Tracy is interested in these days are the ones Stamie’s kids take as they clamor for fruit roll-ups.

Stamie doesn’t seem too insulted that she’s all but invisible to Tracy’s mother. She’s just glad she gave birth to her girlfriend.

It could be worse. Some people are disowned or shunned when they come out. Tracy’s mother clearly loves her. If you disagree that a person can love someone but not accept the things they do, then you haven’t seen Life or Something Like It.

Later that night, Rose is getting a dose of her own medicine: Natalie still hasn’t come home. Rose goes out to bring Natalie back from her mother’s house, saying, with a grin, “I’ll probably have to do some major, Oscar Award-winning acting.” Is it really that hard to show a speck of humanity? Rose thinks “contrition” is that thing women get when they go into labor.

Once Rose arrives, she finds Natalie wearing pajama pants, looking as if she’s been on a 20-hour crying jag. See? Rose really can make girls cry in bed. Natalie wants to know how Rose can drop everything to see Angel. Rose says, “I went to go be with myself and, like, take care of me for a second … Which I never do.”

Is this the dream sequence of her acting?

Natalie doesn’t want to feel bad any longer. She tells Rose she can not just disappear anymore, because it makes her imagine crazy things. She gives Rose a half-hearted smack on the head, packs up her jammies and delusions, and goes home with the nominee for Best Actress in a Lesbian Drama.

While Whitney and Alyssa abandon a shopping cart full of creamed corn next to a dumpster, Mikey is gushing over her gallery visitor, Heather Locklear. Nothing makes a celebrity feel old like an adult saying “I had the biggest crush on you, when I was a kid.”

Heather has brought her expressionless, world-weary, 12-year-old daughter, Ava Sambora, to model Richie Sambora’s clothing line. Ava gets some runway tips from a real model, as Heather and Mikey watch with pride. Heather’s proud of her daughter’s telegenic genes and smiles. I think. Hard to tell with all that Botox and collagen packed under her skin. Mikey shouts encouragement at Ava with wild, obsequious exuberance, as if the mere act of walking deserves an MTV award. Actually, there probably is one.

Suddenly, there’s a commotion at the door. It’s Raquel, blowing into the room on a whirlwind of energy, a fistful of balloons bobbling happily over her head. Heather, her hands folded in front of her, quietly takes a step to the side. It takes a certain kind of woman to upstage Heather Locklear.

It takes a “tranny.”

Whitney and Scarlett are hanging at the Abbey, talking about – what else? – girls. Whitney says Romi and Tor are all-drama, all the time. but Sara is an easy, breezy hook-up, mainly because she’s even more allergic to relationships than she is. Scarlett asks if Sara is going to Dinah Shore with them. Oh, no. Not The Dinah.

Scarlett: I’m worried about Romi … You can’t entertain that idea anymore. You need to be the smart one. She doesn’t think with her head, she thinks with her heart.

Actually, it’s a little lower.

Tracy is at home when she gets a call from her mom, who says she’s not coming for her birthday. Tracy is very disappointed with her mother’s decision, but before she can take another run at her, she’s interrupted by a knock on the door. Tracy opens it and finds her diminutive mother, Zory, standing there. Surprise! Oh em gee! Hugs and laughter ensue, which is a much better outcome than when Raquel tried the same trick on Mikey in Vegas.

Even though they talk to each other almost every day, Tracy and Zory sit around and catch up. Tracy says people are asking her to model, again. Zory says proudly, “Well, you know I always want you to model,” but I doubt she means with a sunshine crotch, or on the cover of something ominously called Bound. Tracy’s recent modeling gigs aren’t exactly going to make it into Zory’s scrapbook.

Tracy: I know you know who I am, very well. But [I want you to know] more of who I am, and every part of it. I want to include you in that.

Zory: You have to realize that sometimes when you talk to me, I was avoiding this conversation. Because you remember, you told me once. And I put it on the side, because…

Tracy: Yeah, no s–t.

Zory: That was a while ago. As a mother, if you would be in my shoes, you would think the same way.

Zory tells Tracy she is not only her daughter, she’s her best friend. Tracy is touched and almost starts to cry. She gathers her mom to her navel and gives her a big hug.

Zory agrees to go with Tracy to Stamie’s comedy show, and meet her girlfriend for the first time. Please don’t let Stamie do her C word joke. Not tonight.

If you think the dance Zory does whenever she hears the word “lesbian” is painful, you haven’t seen Jill and Nikki try to box step. The four left feet give it their level best, but it’s soon obvious that the answer to, “So you think you can dance?” is a resounding, “Nooo.”

Jill adds: “For some reason, two women slow dancing together? Feels a little strange to me. I can’t put my finger on it.” Maybe “sexual fluidity” is more viscous than you thought, Ginger.

Rose’s grandmother comes home from the hospital to find her wish has come true: Rose and her mother are in the same room. Without a hint of irony, Rose says her mother is overbearing and stubborn. If Rose were a Skynet computer, there would be no rise of the machines, because she has zippo self-awareness. Terminator jokes. That’s what this has come to.

The whole family urges Rose to just fricking apologize, so they can all move on. Rose looks like she’s rather poke burning sticks in her eyes, but she does it, begrudgingly. Rose’s mom tells her she loves her and forgives her, which only seems to make Rose bristle. They hug it out anyway.

Meanwhile, here’s a look three generations of lady drama.

At Stamie’s coffee shop comedy show, she and Zory have absolutely nothing to talk about after a nervous, “Nice to meet you.” They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, so without further ado, Stamie begins her show. Immediately, she blurts out her “Bon jour, c–t face” punch line. Zory’s face freezes in discomfort. She takes a terse sip of wine as Stamie segues into penis jokes. Oh good. I was worried this was going to be awkward.

A few nights later, Zory is as enthusiastic to meets Stamie’s kids as she was with her comedy stylings. Tracy is disappointed, yet again, and now Stamie sounds annoyed: “If you’re going to not want to meet my children, you’re going to alienate me even more.” Oh honey, the c—face jokes took care of that.

It doesn’t matter if your girlfriend’s mother likes you. It only matters that she’s young and hot. Happiness is about managing expectations.

Over in Hollywood, we soon learn that LA Fashion Week is actually LA Fashion Two Days. The first night is dedicated to the Sambora fashion line “White Trash Beautiful,” designed by a blond bombshell named Nikki Lund. As the crowd and celebrity guests start filing in, the step and repeat lights blow, sending the red carpet into darkness. Perfect. I’ve always wanted to see Mikey’s head explode.

When your business is renting sound stages, the two main things you’re providing are walls and power. The facility already took away the walls and put Mikey’s show in the parking lot. Now the lights have blown a breaker and no one seems to know what to do. Congratulations, Sunset-Gower on your marketing efforts. Eh, who needs The Real L Word, when you’ve got Dexter.

Even though she’s not a New Yorker, Mikey has working hands and fixes the problem with little help from the studio, but not before having a mild coronary. In LA, having an event without a red carpet is like going on Yeti hunt: You could, but without pictures, what’s the point?

Elsewhere, Whitney and Romi are having dinner at Street, lesbian chef, Susan Feniger’s restaurant featuring street vendor foods from around the world. Over their signature dish, kaya toast, Whitney tells Romi that Sara is moving to LA with nothing but a U-Haul and a dream. Romi’s mouth says, “Yay,” but her eyes sort of say, “Sh–.”

Then, Whitney says something out of the blue: She’s decided she wants to have a child in a few years. Oh sure. She’ll just leave that baby for another baby who’s less clingy.

Back in the big top, Heather Locklear poses for pictures on Mikey’s red carpet. Actress Mena Suvari is there, too — I guess Bryan got every g-d–n email he’s ever f—ing sent. Ava Sambora looks appropriately bored and sullen as she clips down the runway on her pre-teen twigs. There are plenty of scene-sters, the alcohol is flowing, and people seem to like the clothes.

Night two is even bigger and better. The entire show cast has been invited to share Mikey’s big night. Nikki and Jill admire the set-up because all they think about anymore is event-planning. Tracy and Stamie arrive for a night of carefree hand-holding and public kissing. Rose and Natalie are all dolled up and manage to remain civil.

Whitney has brought Scarlett as her date. Mikey grabs Whitney for some red carpet photos, just the two of them. She tells Whitney proudly that she saved her some front row seats. Calm down, Man-crush.

Everything is ready to go, but where’s Raquel? Mikey holds up the entire show, waiting for her time management-challenged girlfriend. Finally, Raquel comes running in, teetering precariously on her tiny, very high heels. With her “good luck charm” in da house, the music starts pounding and the show begins.

After the last model has skulked off stage to do a line, Mikey grabs the mic and summons Raquel to the runway. Raquel appears from backstage, wondering what the heck is going on. Mikey bends down on one knee and asks into the mic, “Will you marry me?”

While Nikki and Jill frantically call their wedding planner to put a “hold” on every caterer for 50 miles, and reserve all the champagne in LA, Whitney and Rose bounce in their seats, their mouths agape. Oh no, she di’nt!

Raquel says, “yes” to the mess, and the whole tent explodes in applause and cheers. Later, the newly engaged couple bask in the memory of that night.

Raquel: That is so amazing. Mikey doesn’t have the easiest time showing how she feels. So, saying something that loud, really got my attention. I just can’t believe she made a s statement like that. It’s just amazing.

Mikey: I felt like I needed to propose to Raquel because I wanted to speak her language. She likes big gestures, and I was trying to give her that.

“The American Dream, man,” Mikey adds, “I’m just trying to live it.”

Screw you, Prop 8. Dreams really can come true.

Stay tuned for next week’s season finale. The light is at the end of the tunnel, kids. I just hope it’s a sunshine crotch, and not an oncoming train.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button