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“True Blood” mini-cap 3.7 “Hitting the Ground”

Lorena and Sookie are still necking, but not in the way we might have hoped.

Lorena tells Sookie she’s delicious. “I’ve never tasted anything like you! What are you?”

Sookie: “I’m the bitch that’s gonna kill you.” And she’s so distracted, Bill is able to grab her with a silver chain on her neck and pull her to the floor.

Bill tells Sookie to “do it” so she stakes Lorena, which causes massive amounts of goo and blood to fall back onto Bill and he is suddenly unable to prove he’s alive.

Cue Sookie screaming. Luckily, Tara and Alcide pull up with a truck and bust in, trying to get Sookie to get a move on. She won’t leave without her vamp, so they wrap him up in a tarp, which makes him a “vampire burrito” for Deb, who comes in with her skank outfit still strapped on and a gun in hand.

Alcide calls Debbie sweetheart, which pisses her off but she’s really thinking about all the V wasting away on the floor, which Sookie hears and yells, “Don’t you think about it bitch!”

“Freak, your mind reading sh–t’s getting real f—ing old!” Deb starts crying to Alcide about he wouldn’t give her a baby. Tara starts thinking for Sookie to read her mind, saying she’s ready to take Deb out while she’s baring all to Alcide. She instructs Sookie to distract her, so Sookie screeches and Tara pushes Deb down against the wall. Alcide grabs the gun and shoots Coot, who runs in asking “What the hell is going on in here?”

He’s dead (werewolves are so much easier to kill) and Deb is pissed he picked “a fangbanger over one of [his] own.” She threatens him saying she’ll sniff him out. “I’m gonna come after you and hunt you down.” And then what? Skank him to death? Give him an STD?

Alcide locks Deb in the shed and they make a move to the truck to head out of the mansion’s gates, but not before running over a werewolf.

Jason is real down, which he can’t figure out because he never thought he was “smart enough to get depressed.” He can’t stop thinking about Crystal. He thinks he already loves her.

Hoyt thinks she’s named after the drug that’s keeping the town crazed, saying he bets her middle name is Meth. Jason is not amused. He is mad that last week was great and “this week ain’t done s–t for me yet!” But Hoyt gives him a great idea – go talk to the drug dealer that’s in the jail cell. He probably knows the deal with Crystal. Jason loves this idea. “I knew you and me being roommates wasn’t going to suck forever!”

Summer shows up at the door, pretending to be a vampire, asking “May I come in?” with a sultry look about her. “I’m just kidding!” she says, snapping back to her Southern Belle persona. “I’m not a vampire like your last girlfriend!” Speaking of Jessica, I miss her. Summer is too happy for my liking. Hoyt can’t get past the fact that Summer referred to herself as his girlfriend.

Summer was not happy that Hoyt didn’t call her after their date at Merlotte’s but she has decided not to play games. She likes Hoyt and wants him as her BF. If he’s not interested, it’s his loss. To help convince him, she’s made some buttermilk biscuits, which Jason wholly approves of.

Eric is still at Sophie-Ann’s, and he brings out something that will really make her talk: Hadley. Sophie is in an oversized bird cage, so she can’t help her girlfriend out of Eric’s clutches.

Eric wants to know why everyone has an interest in Sookie but Sophie isn’t saying. He takes a huge bite out of her neck, but Sophie resists. Hadley is close to death, so she tells Eric, “Stop. I’ll tell you! Sookie’s my cousin.” She whispers something into Eric’s ear to which he replies, “I certainly wasn’t expecting that.”

Eric decides she can live and gives her some of his blood. Well that was easy. Sophie isn’t pleased.

In the back of Alcide’s truck, Sookie cuts her arm with a saw to give Bill some of her blood.

He becomes so crazed, though, that he pushes her down and drinks the s–t out of her. Up front, Alcide and Tara have no idea what’s going on.

But when they pull over for Alcide to pee, Tara tries to check on Sookie and she won’t answer. She doesn’t “give a f–k” that the light could kill Bill and she opens up the door to find Sookie bleeding out. Tara kicks Bill out of the truck. He’s confused about what happened, especially when he doesn’t begin to burn immediately.

Jason goes to the drug dealer and asks about Crystal. The dealer says Crystal is his cousin, and he’ll tell him anything he wants to know if Jason will bring him of the other kind of crystal. Andy interrupts but Jason knows what he has to do.

At the hospital, Sookie is given blood but begins to seize. The doctor gives Tara and Alcide the bad news that her body rejected a transfusion because she doesn’t have a blood type. “I’ve never seen a reaction like that before!” She’s in a coma.

Sam is trying to get past a hillbilly so he can get to Tommy before he gets into his dog fight. The hillbilly isn’t fooled by Sam’s showered look – “There ain’t no dog fights here.” He pulls a gun out on him and demands Sam’s in return, making him turn the truck around and head on out of town. He’s got no choice but to go in as a dog himself.

He gets right in past the dudes in overalls and into the dog pen, where he turns into a naked human and knocks a dude out. First point of business: Free all of the dogs. Second, find Tommy the pitbull. Tommy is just starting his fight against a mean looking Rotweiller and a bunch of poor white people are standing around with beers, cigarettes and one dollar bills watching.

Sam pulls the alarm so everyone freaks out and runs out. They don’t want to have to deal with no cops! Sam’s parents spot him, though, and try to play cool. “Hey son!” Tommy turns back into himself, bleeding already, and Sam demands his dad give him his clothes. They’re so dirty though!

Sam calls his dad “a sad man in saggy underpants with no discernible life skills whatsoever.” He’s right on and he insults them more before asking Tommy to come with him. “I can’t promise you a perfect life, but I can promise you it’ll be better than this one.” They leave together and their parents weep as their money limps away.

Jason goes to Merlotte’s and demands Lafayette gives him some meth because he needs it for this guy in jail. Lafayette says he doesn’t deal meth and even if he did, he wouldn’t deal it to him. “Goddammit Lafayette, I’m in love!” “With the dude in jail?” Tara calls and gives Jason the bad news, so the two guys forget about their convo and the food cooking and rush to the hospital.

In Sookie’s room, Jason tells Lafayette and Tara the story of how Sookie was born on the dining room table. Tara then shares that it was “the piece of s–t vampire” that did this to her and she believes he’s nothing but ash now since she kicked him out in the sun. Sorry, Tara, Bill isn’t leaving that easy.

Inside Sookie’s coma, she awakens in a white taffeta dress and head towards the light coming from outside the hospital doors.

Cue the magical music and dancing women in a pink light around a pretty pond. A woman named Claudine escorts her outside to fill her cup.

Sookie says it’s the most amazing thing she’s ever tasted and then asks if she can dance. Claudine says, “We can always dance!” And they do.

Sookie dances so much that she has to sit one out. Claudine asks Sookie to come with them. Sookie is like “Where?” And Claudine says they have to swim in the water to somewhere beautiful. But Sookie can’t swim, either can her mama, that’s how she died. She reads Claudine’s mind: “It’s not the water that killed them.”

It’s mass confusion all of a sudden. The women begin diving into the water. “The dark! The dark is coming!” Claudine says Sookie must promise to “not let him take the light” from her. This coincides with Bill coming into the hospital room and asking if he can give Sookie his blood. Jason says “do it!” and they all stand by to watch the blood twist and turn through the IV.

Shortly after, Sookie finally awakens in the hospital but freaks the f–k out when she sees Bill.

At Fangtasia, Magister is torturing Pam on a table. He pulls out a box from Tiffany’s. “How’d you know I was a Tiffany’s girl?” Pam asks and says the rings are beautiful. “They’re sterling silver,” he tells her. “Beautiful. They’ll match my chains.” Magister asks, “Would you object to my piercing your eyelids?” Pam breathes in deeply. “Not at all.”

But just before he can hurt her any more, Eric rushes in stops him. Thank the Goddess!

Sophie-Ann follows Eric in and they give the Magister the 411. Eric is no longer committing treason because Sophie isn’t his Queen. “My loyalty is to Mississippi now.” The King comes in and Magister is not pleased. He could still arrest Sophie, but Russell laughs asking by what authority he plans on doing that. “I no longer recognize the authority.” Russell is having fun filling Magister in on how Sophie is now his fiancee, and they’d just love to have Magister marry them – as in like, now.

Russell frees Pam and puts Magister on the table under the silver chains. “It’s vampires like you that have been holding us back for centuries.” Russell begins to stab Magister until he marries them. “Can we hurry this along?” Sophie asks. “I’m getting cold feet.” Pam says, “You can dish it out, Magister, “but you sure can’t take it!”

Magister gives in and says “I now pronounce you man and wife.” “Yes, thanks, I’m so happy I could bleed,” Sophie says and Pam claps saying, “Congrats!” Russell is more interested in telling Magister how he feels about the American Vampire League aka “the authority.” He doesn’t want to comply with humans – he wants vampires to be the only race. Well, all vampires except Magister, who ends the episode headless in what Russell calls “the true death.” That was way harsh, Ty.

So glad to see Pam no longer in trouble. And while Sophie is married to Russell, this doesn’t make her any more straight – or him, for that matter.

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