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“The Real L Word” minicap 107: “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”

You’ve heard the rumors, you’ve seen the promos. You’ve wondered if this day would ever arrive. Well, the wait is over. It’s with a special mix of delight and dread that I bring you: The Strap-On Episode. I’m so glad I went to college.

As you can imagine, the topic of sex toys sits differently with each of the girls. Gentle Jill is so embarrassed, she’s almost speechless. She’d probably also prefer that her adventureous darling, Nikki, stop bragging about their Little Drawer of Fun. Tracy says her first visit to a sex shop was a sensory overload: “I didn’t know where to look; I didn’t know what to do.” That’s how I felt the last time I went to the circus.

Predictably, Whitney can explain anal beads to anyone who wants that sort of information. Rose says that “Strapping it on, f—ing the girl, doing all the work; that’s the way I’ve been throughout my lesbian career.” And what a career. For Rose, it’s not just a job. It’s an adventure.

Flying in the face of whatever you may have heard or read, Mikey doesn’t recommend putting toys in the dishwasher. Why? I don’t know, except maybe she’s forgetful and has a thorough housekeeper. Mikey does bring up one important issue: With each new girl, you have to buy a new toy. It may be expensive, but it’s the only respectful thing to do. Lesbians don’t even like when you wear your ex’s shirt.

Today, Jill and Nikki are chillaxing at home with their pups, waiting for Nikki’s friend, Dan the Designer, to arrive. The couple has decided to take a break from planning their wedding, and by “take a break,” they mean re-doing their entire dining room for one Passover dinner. Naturally. For Hanukkah, they’re going to have a second floor put on the house.

Dan takes one look at their décor and basically declares the dining area a gay Superfund site. He poo-poos their use of space. “You’ve got this little island, this narrow space of furniture,” Dan says, standing behind their table, “And then we’ve got this no-man’s land.”

It’s a lesbian house — it’s supposed to be a no-man’s land.

Dan sniffs that the walls look like mud, their window treatments look like schmatta, the rug’s gotta go, and the curtain rod is like a “f—ing hospital suite.” But what do you really think, Dan?

Jill likes the things she has, mainly because they’re the nicest things she’s ever had. Unencumbered by middle-class values, Nikki and Dan agree what the house needs is a pricey chandelier. Dan thinks it will pull the room together and Nikki probably wants to swing from it.

Rose goes to visit her ailing grandmother. Her aunt and uncle also stop by, because Grandma’s house is where the action is. They tell Rose that her not speaking to her mother is tearing the family apart. Rose reports that her mother may not call her, but she has been calling Angel, her ex. You know when you suspect your mother likes your girlfriend more than she likes you? This, here, would be worse.

Stamie has a psychic. Hey, this is LA, she’s a lesbian. Of course she has a psychic. Robin the Psychic comes to Tracy’s house, takes off her tin foil hat, and proceeds to give Tracy a reading. What happens next can only be described as a scene from The Exorcist, as re-enacted by a female cantor, while having a seizure.

Whoosh, whoosh. Woop. Phew, phew, wee. Ha! Ha! HA! Shama lama ding dong.

Stamie watches happily, as Tracy tries to keep a straight face. Robin abruptly stops grunting and whooshing, and says in a normal voice, “Your energy is very distracted by your parents.” Wow, spooky. It’s almost as if someone told her about Tracy’s family sitch, right, Stamie?

As fun as that Teacup Ride through the cosmos was, Whitney has something even better going on. She and her friends are going to play paintball. If you’ve never played paintball, I highly recommend it, as it’s the only time it’s totally legal to run up on a straight dude and shoot him point blank in the ass. Whitney and Tor decide to up the stakes with a sex wager.

Whitney: When you lose, you’re getting it. I’m gonna strap it on. And the loser gets it.

Tor: I don’t care. I’m kicking your ass tomorrow. And then, you’re going to take it like a bitch. I’m going to be doing the f—ing around here. Let me tell you.

Whitney: Yeah? Are you? You want to top me?

Tor: Mm hmm.

It is on.

At the paintball field the next day, we see that Whitney has invited Mikey. Guess their Valentine’s Day night of drinking and lip-glossing bonded them in some weird way. In turn, Mikey has invited Rose, whom we learn, she’s actually known for years. Really? Why are we just finding this out now? Oh wait. I forgot. I don’t care.

Rose has brought her own crew of homies, because god forbid she goes anywhere alone. They form a full team, leaving the motley strays to join up against them. Let the games begin!

After a lot of crouching, shooting and hiding, all but two are hit and out of the game. It’s Tor vs. Predator. Tor’s strategy appears to be keeping her tiny body out of harm’s way, while Whitney relishes the hunt and kill. They fire at each other, ducking and creeping ever closer, until finally, Whitney pegs Tor with a single gel ball. Tor jumps into Whitney’s waiting arms, as Whitney alludes to the prize she’s going to collect from her “baby koala.”

Get the lube ready.

During her lunch break, Tracy sits on a park bench and talks to her mother on the phone. After years of “baby steps” and being patient, Tracy is ready for some reciprocal understanding. Her mom still isn’t there and wonders if Tracy’s love of other women is just a phase. It’s been five years. She’s here, she’s queer. Get used to it.

In design news: The big, honking chandelier Nikki and Dan love, and Jill doesn’t need comes crashing down before the installers can finish setting it up. Yikes. Jill wants it gone before it kills someone. Nikki says she needs that fixture if they’re going to have a kick-ass Seder. Nothing says “Exodus” like 2000 watts, reflecting opulently off 100 lbs. of Venetian glass.

“Since the chandelier fell, Jill has been adamant about not putting up another one,” Nikki says, “although I have other plans.” Unbeknownst to her, the quiet brunette is not going to budge on this one. Thus saith Jill, “Let my people, and the chandelier go.”

Later that night, Whitney brings Scarlett with her to do a little toy shopping. Oh boy. Here we go. If you’re uninitiated, or shy, or some sort of sexual Luddite, you may not know this world, so I’ll tell you this: Some women love vibrators, some don’t. Some like realistic-looking dildos. Others choose the “non-representational” kind, which for some reason, often resemble dolphins, badgers or bears. Who decided a wolverine with a “AA” battery in its butt was a turn-on? Not me. Does PETA know about this?

Scarlett suggests a glitter dildo. Oh honey, no. She’s going to have sex with Tor, not Lady Gaga. Next, Scarlett finds a leather harness with a heft befitting a plow horse. She picks it up, looks at Whitney sideways and says drolly, “I’d be pissed.” I love Scarlett.

They settle on a manageable-sized toy the color of a band-aid, add a harness and some lube to their order, and skip out like two kids leaving a candy store. After Whitney gets home with her bag of goodies, she tells Tor it’s time to pay the lady. Mercifully, they shut off the lights as Whitney introduces Tor to Strappy McGee for the first time.

Meanwhile, Rose’s lesbian career is on hold so she can attend to her grandmother, who’s now in the hospital. Rose is understandably upset and worried. The woman is not only the matriarch of the family, she raised Rose when her own mother wouldn’t. In times of crisis, you want your partner to comfort you, to be there for you, to make you feel like it’s going to be OK. It brings you closer. Rose and Natalie walk up to the hospital’s main entrance in silence. Rose has something she wants to say.

Rose: I need you right now. I need you to not be a bitch right now.

Natalie: I’m not being a bitch right now.

Touching. I feel better already.

These girls may actually love each other, in their own painful way. They may have the hottest sex this side of Meerkat Manor. But they don’t appear to like each other. And sorry, kids, but two-out-of-three just doesn’t cut the relationship mustard.

Mikey is days away from the biggest show of her career. It’s LA Fashion Week, people! Feeling the pressure, Mikey gets comically pissy over untidy shelves in the showroom, and black hangers being in with the clear ones. No more black hangers! Everrr!

When Mikey hears Bryan-somebody claims he confirmed actress, Mena Suvari, but no one can find his email, she goes balls-out ballistic. She sits behind Ceci, her guest list coordinator, breathing down her neck. Finally, Mikey snaps and starts screaming.

Mikey: Pull up every f—ng email you sent to Bryan! Ever email that’s ever gone to Bryan — pull them up and f—ing send them back to him! Send him every goddamn email he’s ever f—ing sent me!

Someone’s Bump-It is too tight.

While Tracy and Stamie sit on the beach, wondering if Tracy’s mom will ever join PFLAG, Whitney’s at home, throwing a White Trash Party, replete with white people food, cheap beer, plastic lawn ornaments and creamed corn wrestling. Everyone’s there: Scarlett, Tor, Romi, a friend named Julie or Julia, and someone dresses as a giant vagina, smoking a cigarette.

The party is in full swing. Scarlett, always down for whatever, gets in the corn pool with Whitney. Gag. Food wrestling grosses me out. Tor’s a good sport, and takes a turn, too. Despite being a slippery little eel who’s turning on her host just a little, she loses to Whitney. Romi’s been watching the antics from the sidelines, and decides she wants to wrestle Whitney in private.

Whitney is a self-professed “p—y slut” and lets Romi lead her into her own bedroom. As Tor and all her guests mingle just outside the door, Whitney pulls off Romi’s clothes and proceeds to do her with the strap-on she used with Tor. Less than 24 hours ago. In the same bed. With a camera crew standing above them. Eek.

I can’t begin to imagine what they were thinking. Nor can Tor, Scarlett and Alyssa, who all know something is going on. Someone walks in on them and quickly shuts the door. It’s a proud day for lesbians, everywhere.

Later that night, Rose and Natalie go to a party being thrown by a promoter friend. For once in her life, The Shot King is not in a partying mood: Grandma is stable and getting the hospital care she needs, but she’s been diagnosed with pneumonia. Rose is preoccupied with worry.

In the car on the way to the club, Rose and Natalie get into Fight # 327 in a Series. “Stop being a bitch.” “You stop being a bitch.” “You’re being an a–hole.” “No, you’re being an a–hole.” Girls, girls. You’re both right.

While happy couple Nikki and Jill throw their first Seder dinner as a couple, the other lovey twosome, Mikey and Raquel, go out to dinner and try really hard not to talk about work. Mikey seems right on the edge and could cry or rage at any moment, but Raquel knows how to talk her girlfriend down off the ledge.

Mikey says if she had to choose between Raquel and work, it would be gut-wrenching. Oh stop that. No one ever said on their deathbed, “I wish I had worked more.”

Over at the club, Rose and Natalie are ignoring each other. Natalie is off in a corner, talking to her sister, who’s DJ-ing the party, and Rose is upstairs, telling people she’s single. Awesome. “You know how I go through girls,” she says dismissively. Is it anything like sh– through a goose?

Just as Rose is about to create a match.com profile, right then and there, Angel sends a text reassuring her about her grandmother. Seems Mama Rose has a big mouth. Rose says Angel knows how to calm her in a way Natalie can’t. The more she mentally compares Angel’s text with Natalie’s cluelessness, the angrier Rose gets at her sitch. She leaves Natalie in the club, gets her car from the valet, and drives away without saying a word to anyone. Totally normal.

Back at the scene of that other crime, Romi’s gone, the party is over, and Whitney gets a little piece of real from Tor: “You’re being such a f—ing douche. Can’t you go to Romi’s house to bone? You’re letting people who care about you and love you, down. And for what?” Um, for the troops?

Natalie realizes her ride left without her, and has some friends drive her home. Too bad she’s locked out and Rose isn’t home, nor answering her phone. She runs back to the car before her friends pull away. Natalie tries to put lipstick on this pig as they drive her away from her empty house.

Natalie: You guys always experience the worse of us. We’re not a bad couple. We’re not, like, a dramatic, crazy couple. She’s just overwhelmed with her grandma being sick. It’s just extra stress.

I swear, I’m going to slap her.

Natalie’s friends and her sister, Leslie, tell her to wake the eff up but they might as well be talking to a head of cabbage.

On the upside, cleavage.

At the same moment Natalie is ignoring her inconvenient truth, and Rose is off doing shots somewhere braying, “I don’t give a f—!” Whitney sits alone in her backyard, crying into her Romi-scented hands. She prides herself on being a tough girl, but finally sees a glimmer of someone else’s feelings. She’s letting people down. She’s hurting people who care about her. She’s getting creamed corn all over the patio.

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