“The Real L Word” mini-cap 106: “Family Ties”

Coming out stories are like snowflakes: no two are alike. Some sever family ties forever; some make the bonds stronger. Sometimes the news is met with utter shock; sometimes, with a yawn. (You weren’t fooling anyone with those baby muscle T-shirts and camouflage pants, sweetpea.)

Tracy and Jill were both apprehensive about telling their parents they liked the ladies. Tracy’s dad took it just fine because he does, too. Her mother, on the other hand, still pretends it never happened. Jill’s parents said, "We want you to be happy, but we’re going to need a second…" and I thought, "opinion." In reality, they said, "We’re going to need a second to just get used to it." Sort of like wrapping your head around a $3000 wedding dress. Some things run in the family.

When little Whitney was 13 years old, she yelled, "I’m gay," at her dad as she was running out the door, setting up what would become a lifetime of dropping bombs and fleeing the scene. Mikey felt a twinge of Catholic guilt, but Rose "really didn’t give a f— what anybody else thought." I find that so hard to believe.

Today, Rose is having lunch with what appears to be Pipe Fitters Local 102, reminiscing about their secret bromance stripper escapades. Tee hee.

Rose still sees no wrongdoing in the stripper action she saw, but reminds her little bros to stay off MySpace and Friendster with the incriminating evidence. Even so, she tells them that if Natalie lets something like this ruin their relationship, "that’s retarded" and that would be on her anyway. Also Natalie’s fault? Global warming.

One beer philosopher asks what would happen if the stripper was on the other foot? Rose Double Standard Garcia says if Natalie pulled the same stunt, she’d "put her ass out for a long while." Everyone snorts with laughter as they shove fries in their mouths and adjust their lids. Going through life wearing a trucker cap and following Rose around is no way to live.

Tracy has invited her real sibs, older sister Audrey and younger sister Aimee, to the house for order-in dinner and a movie. While deciding what to eat, Stamie offers to breast feed Tracy. Immediately, Aimee gets wigged out and irritated, and demands the phone so she can order General Tso’s Really Uncomfortable Chicken. She gets up and walks around the room with her purse over her shoulder, as if she could leave at any moment. Tracy is crestfallen. Stamie smiles because she doesn’t know what else to do. Well, what can you do after a breast joke that brings the room to a standstill?

Nikki and Jill make a pact that wedding plans will not include an argument. Jill asks Nikki if she’s OK with her mom walking her down the aisle. Nikki seems sad, but she knows her dad has a hard time with modern concepts like gay weddings, airplanes, and other new fangled things.

Jill: This is our wedding, our union. So whatever feels best for you.
Nikki: Well, when you grow up, and you have an idea of your wedding. And then, you also have an idea of who you think your parents are. When they turn out to not be the people you think they should have been. It’s been very disappointing for me to not have a father in my life, as an adult.

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