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“True Blood” mini-cap 3.5 “Trouble”

This week on True Blood, Pam, Yvetta and Sophie-Ann were nowhere in sight. See you next week!

Just kidding. I mean, they weren’t on this episode, but I’m still here.

Talbot surveys Tara and decides she looks spicy, but still not good enough to eat. Like Franklin would let him get near her – he’s obsessed with Tara and she does not look pleased.

Franklin tells Tara to ignore him. “He’s the cleaning lady.” Just then she notices Bill walk in with the blood from the stripper all over his face. Tara asks for his help but he denies her. Rude.

Russell asks Franklin why he’s here with some girl tied up in ropes and Frankie says he has a gift for the King. He tells Lorena hands off and she says nobody wants her. Lorena prefers strippers.

Talbot is unimpressed and whiny: “You’re not supposed to bring work home!” Russell points to himself: “Darling. King.” The King is a Queen who does whatever he wants. How fun to be his partner. Not. Luckily, Talbot perks up later when another visitor pops by: Eric.

Talbot finds Eric very attractive, much like most gay men and straight women of the world. They have a little flirt sesh, or at least that’s how the gay men and lesbians would like to take it.

Meanwhile, Franklin is giving Russell his gift: The Stackhouse family tree he discovered at Bill’s house. The King takes this to mean that Bill has more attachment to Sookie than he shows, and it’s decided yet again that someone must “bring him the girl.” Lucky for him, she’s already close by in Jackson.

Her name is Sookie! I mean, Sookeh.

Eric shares a bloody cocktail with Russell and tries to convince him that Bill is missing and responsible for the sale of V in Bon Temps. Little does he know that Bill is in the house. Bill laughs at Eric trying to pin that s–t on him and says everyone knows it’s Sophie Ann behind it all. The King is amused, as is Talbot. “He’s not missing and he’s way too square to sell V.”

Now that Eric sees Bill is here “on his own accord,” he asks about Sookie, who Bill says “is no longer his.” Eric likely deciphers this as, “She is yours for the taking.” Poor Sookie. Never again will she just be her own person.

While Talbot gives Eric a tour of the house, Eric sees a Viking crown that gives him a flashback to when he was a Viking and his family was killed by werewolves. Hmm, strange that it ended up here with the Vampire King of Mississippi. Also, we learn Eric has always been a ladykiller, even when he had that hideous long blonde hairdo.

Upstairs, Tara is tied up to the bed in a non-sexy way. Franklin sees that she has a text message from Lafayette:

Bitch, where u at?

Franklin is jealous that someone else called his bitch “Bitch” and chokes the information out of her. Tara manages to get out: “He’s my cousin. And he’s gay!”

This could have been solved easily if she would have had a photo come up on her caller ID. His eye makeup says it all.

Later, Tara chews through her rope to escape and gets pretty far across the lawn until Cooter chases her down and brings her back inside. Franklin is not pleased.

He begins crying over the fact that she doesn’t love him and she finally gets the hang of his moodiness. She starts pretending to be into him but tells him she is just scared of the other vampires there. And she’s hungry! She is a human and she has some needs, like eating, so get her a hamburger. She won’t need food soon, though, Franklin assures her – he is making her into his vampire bride.

Sookie and Alcide get home OK from Lou Pine’s, but not until she calls his ex-girlfriend “sh—y” and says she won’t die because of said sh—y ex “and a Mississippi pot hole!” Alcide stops the car and gets emotional about how she used to be awesome and play horseshoes with his dad. Sookie apologizes for being mean but says it’s the only way she could get him to slow down. She did not want to die in his truck dressed like a goth hooker.

She awakes at his house the next morning to aforementioned sh—y ex-girlfriend demanding Alcide give her something she left in the house. “Her house!” Debbie freaks out when Sookie comes in, screaming at Alcide for doing it with her “in her own house!” Sookie reads her mind and hears her thinking about all the dudes she sleeps with when they have women that live in their houses. Hypocrite!

Deb says “I will cut you!” and when Sookie reads Deb’s mind to find she knows nada about Bill, she kills Deb with kindness until she takes off, but not before warning the two of them they better not tell anyone about what they saw at Lou Pine’s. Since they are obviously both horrible listeners and/or direction-followers, they go visit Alcide’s packmaster to tell him what they saw. But Colonel Flood is not interested and Sookie can hear that he’s scared. He wants them to keep quiet.

Jason has his first day on desk duty at the police station, but takes off in a squad car when he recognizes the blonde girl from the drug bust a week ago. He pulls her over, forgetting to put on a shirt, and tries to see her license and registration. She’s like “No, you aren’t a real cop” and denies him anything but her name: Crystal. Jason asks her to meet him that night at Merlotte’s but it doesn’t look good.

Jessica and Tommy are now working together at Merlotte’s and when Hoyt comes in with some blonde chick, Jessica feels a bit better when Tommy says she’s too hot for her ex. Jessica would totally blush if she wasn’t so pale.

Potential teen hookup? Tomica? Jessy?

Speaking of Tommy, he’s staying with Sam momentarily and his dad is not excited about it. Something is going on between them because Tommy hates his father and his father wants nothing more than to have his boy home with him. I’m creeped out, just like Sam, who is sick of being in the middle of their arguments. He didn’t sign up for this!

While Lafayette is working, he gets a visit from Jesus, the guy that works with his mom at the psychiatric hospital. He wants to go to a movie, but Lafayette is manning the kitchen until 11. No big deal, Jesus says. He’ll wait! And he does, and it’s cute when they play pool and get to know one another.

And, what do you know, Crystal shows up! But she doesn’t come inside. In fact, Jason only catches her while leaving. He convinces her to go on a walk with him and they apparently have some magical connection right away. They start making out in the moonlight. She obviously has no idea that anyone who Jason dates ends up dead.

Russell tells Bill he knows that Sookie is more important to him than he lets on, which means Bill needs to warn Sookie ASAP. He finds out that she’s in Jackson from Cooter, who feels the need to tell Bill she’s f—ing a werewolf. Bill makes his way over to Alcide’s, but he can’t convince her to leave fast enough because Sookie is all, “Why don’t you love me?”

Within seconds, Russell and Coot show up and she has to fight them off of her. Her special powers that she used to take on Marianne return as she sends a blast of energy toward Coot, pushing him away from her and into the wall.

And that is what I like to call woman power.

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