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“True Blood” mini-cap 3.4: “9 Crimes”

Bill finally calls things off with Sookie quite literally. He rings her up, Lorena still in his bed, and tells her he is not coming back to Bon Temps and he is so over her.

Sookie, of course, is devastated.

She’s still at Alcide’s in Jackson, where he makes himself comfortable by walking around shirtless, as all werewolves do. The male ones, at least.

Sookie doesn’t believe that Bill is being honest with her. She thinks he’s in trouble, even when Alcide gives her advice:

Alcide: All I know is, no matter how well you think you know somebody, they can still turn around kick you right in the nutsack.

Sookie: I don’t have a nutsack.

 

Alcide just thinks Sookie’s naive because Bill’s her first real boyfriend. He pulls her into a hug and Sookie comments on how warm he is. “It’s a were thing; we run hot,” he says. Then he decides to put on a shirt.

Back in Bon Temps, Sam finds his family is living in a van down by the river in Merlotte’s parking lot. He knocks on the door and his mom says they have nowhere to go. Sam has to tell her Tommy tried to break into his safe, but his poor mama just wants everyone to get along and promises they’ll be gone as soon as Tommy returns from beating himself up.

Tara, meanwhile, is still glamoured by Franklin and shares everything she knows about Bill and Sookie. She gets all googley-eyed when talking about Jason and how she used to be in love with him and Franklin says he’s getting jealous. He’s such a creep.

He makes her call Sookie by dictating her side of the conversation, trying to find out where Sookie is.

But when Sookie refuses, saying she is just upset about Bill and needs to sleep, Tara breaks out of her glamour and freaks out. Franklin pins her up against the wall and bites her neck. She definitely didn’t want him to this time, which is obviously why he went for it.

Lorena tells Bill, “That was the best sex I’ve had in decades” as she pops her neck back into place. She ignores him saying he’s just not that into her until he punches her up against the wall and out of the room.

Eric flies over to Sookie’s window and gets invited in. They exchange such cheesy dialogue (Sookie: “You smell like the ocean in winter. You played by the North Sea as a child. I’m smelling your memories.”) that you know it’s a dream – but whose?

Eric’s. He is really at Fangtasia, watching Yvetta perform. He snaps out of it and tells Yvetta she can give it up. “That’ll be all.” Across the bar, Pam is counting tips and looks confused: Why would Eric tell Yvetta to stop dancing? That’s so unlike him!

In the a.m., Alcide tells Sookie she’s being a doormat and needs to move on from Bill. But Sookie wants to go to Debbie’s engagement party and wants Alcide to take her there. Alcide says “Don’t put your shit on me” and huffs and puffs out of the room in his bathrobe.

Later that day, Alcide’s sister Janice comes to help Sookie get dressed up to fit in at Lou Pine’s that night. She thinks Sookie is Alcide’s new girlfriend, but Sookie reassures her she just needs to look the part at the bar that night – she’s just Alcide’s friend. Sookie begins to read her mind and finds out the engagement party is truly a were get-together for Debbie (Alcide’s ex) to be initiated into the bad pack of weres, which is because she’s so hooked on V. Sookie now has the info she needs to get Alcide to be her date for the evening.

Lafayette is trying to call Tara so they can ride around in his new car but Tara is tied up – as in tied to a toilet with tape over her mouth. She desperately tries to reach her phone but it falls into the sink and she can’t move.

At Merlotte’s, Jason is in the middle of a bunch of loud teenagers playing pool and a retirement party for Bud. Bud announces that Andy Balfour is the new sheriff, which makes Jason so angry that he walks over to the teens, including hot shot quarterback Kitsch Maynard, and puts him in his place. “Ten years from now, there’s going to be a version of you, 10 years younger, doing the same thing to you – and then who you gonna be?” Jason’s logic never fails to amuse.

Bill and Russell are sharing a drink and a cigar, and Bill gives his history with the Queen. He says he used to be a procurer, aka the vamp that finds the night’s dinner. He was on sabbatical when he met Sookie and now he’s back to work, giving the dirty details on his ex-Queen. So what does he know? Well, he knows that Eric is selling V and he thinks it’s on behalf of the Queen. The secret is out!

Bill, in return, asks that Lorena goes missing and insinuates that it’d be totally fine if Russell just didn’t report Lorena as missing. I don’t think anyone would miss her at all.

Arlene complains to Sam that she’s the only one that shows up to work so Sam hires Jessica to be a hostess. Now that there’s another redhead, Arelene is not happy. “People love to give red heads tips and I’ve always been the only red head at Merlottes — you know that!”

While Jessica is working, she runs into Chip, an old Bible Study friend. “I can’t believe you’re alive! Your folks are going to be so happy. It’s a miracle! Praise Jesus. Praise him!” Uh oh — don’t kill him, Jessica. Luckily she decides to glamour him instead and convinces him he never wanted to stop that night. She’s talking to closely to him outside the bar, though, that Hoyt sees and thinks they’re being all romantic-like.

Lafeytte goes to push some V on the local trashy drug dealers but they aren’t interested. “We’re not getting in business with people like you.” The other two young dudes are messing with Lafeytte’s car and then start fighting with him, calling him a faggot. You knew it was going to happen — Eric swoops in to save the day. Eric picks up the lead drug dealer by the throat and threatens to kill him and his “little brother cousins” if he doesn’t sell the V. They have no choice but to agree.

“That’s called closing the deal,” he tells Lafeyette. “Let’s go RuPaul.”

While in the car on the way home, Eric scolds Lafeyette for his big ego and not being able to push sales. But he’s interrupted by a call from Pam. “We’re being raided!” They begin speaking in Swedish. “It’s the Magister,” Pam said. “They’re looking for the V. The Queen set you up!” Magister finds her in the basement and shows her the V. “This is blasphemy. Take her!” Just then, Eric vanishes from the car.

Sam finds Tommy outside Merlotte’s and they have a heart-to-heart. They’ve both had rough lives and Sam says the things he’s done was “worse than stealing.” He doesn’t want Tommy to make the same mistakes, and offers to let Tommy stay with him. But Tommy won’t leave his parents — he knows they can’t survive unless he helps take care of them. “I won’t be free of these people until the day they die.”

Together they go find their parents and Sam says he’s giving them a place to live as long as Tommy doesn’t steal and his dad doesn’t drink. Tommy looks grateful and it’s a brotherly bonding moment.

Inside the bar bathroom, Jason blackmails Andy into letting him become a cop. They basically have a pissing contest and Jason wins.

Tara is now en route to who the hell knows where. Franklin has taped a bouquet of flowers into her hands and tells her he’s been lonely. “But now you’re mine, all that’s changed!” I bet Tara is really regretting that rebound sex with him now.

They show up at the King’s and Talbot asks if Tara is for him. He surveys her. “Skinny!” He is not impressed with her physique.

Sookie fills Alcide in on her intel. He is upset and punches a wall and agrees to go with to the party. At Lou Pine’s, it’s the same rowdy crowd but Sookie fits in better with her black wig and eye make-up. She is encouraged to take some shots with the dude that tried to rape her the night before.

She knows she has to look inconspicuous so she downs three before Debbie comes over and asks who she is. Alcide steps in: “She’s with me, Deb.”

Debbie tells Alcide she doesn’t want his “p—y pack” and that she was doing it with Cooter while she was with him. She also calls Sookie a skank. Even in leather, Sookie is sweet and tells Deb that Alcide is there because he cares about her. But then Cooter shows up and tries to claim his big-banged V-addict of a girlfriend. Deb says Alcide needs to stay and see this, which apparently includes her licking Cooter and making out with his entire face.

At Fangtasia, Magister is having Pam strung up and burnt. Eric says he’s been framed and the blood isn’t being sold on his orders. When the Magister asks if it is on the Queen’s orders, Eric can’t decide if he should be in trouble for desecration of the blood or treason, so Pam gets burnt again.

She screams out, “It was Bill Compton!” Eric takes her lead and says he is building evidence against him and will bring it to the Magister. Magister says that Eric has two days or he will kill Pam.

In a limo outside a strip bar, Russell asks Lorena what she’s in the mood for. “Something smoky. Not too fatty.” Russel says he was thinking ethnic, and then orders Bill to go procure. Inside, Bill finds the smoky, possibly ethnic non-fatty doing a dance on a pole. She accompanies him to the back room where he glamours her into telling him her real name and if she has anyone that would miss her too much. (Anne and nope.) She’s half naked during this entire scene, of course, and shares with Bill that love isn’t worth anything – “it always turns to crap.” That’s basically what Bill wants to hear – hopelessness from someone who has no future. He might as well eat her!

Russel tells Lorena he’ll be back and goes to Lou Pine’s where Debbie then crowd surfs up to the stage, while the werewolves tear off her clothes.

Russel appears on stage in sunglasses. He speaks to them and supplies the whole room with V from his own veins. Choral music plays in the background as it’s totally religious for the room of dirty dudes to drink blood from the gay vampire.

As they all take their shot of V, Alcide and Sookie get weirded out that a vamp is involved with the werewolves in a “collaboration.” But the weres are so psyched and they brand Debbie’s back.

She howls in pain and the entire room begins to howl excitedly in return. They begin to shift into their furry selves. Alcide tells Sookie to run. He’s turning himself and barks at her.

Outside the strip bar, Bill senses Sookie is in trouble, but he must deliver dinner to the king. Ann the stripper asks, “What kind of party we having?” And steps inside the limo. Lorena is first to take a bite, followed by Russell and, last but not least, Bill. He does look a little remorseful, but joins in.

Seriously though – isn’t there some sort of rule that dancers can’t leave the bar with patrons? Maybe Bill glamoured everyone on the way out. It’s not possible he’s that charming to everyone. Eric maybe, but not Bill. But then again, I’m not really his demographic.

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