“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.05): And the lesbian will lie down with the vampire

Less mayhem and supernatural monsters than we’ve grown accustomed to, but a delight nevertheless.

The PLLs spent the night at Spencer’s house after the LIPSTICK INCIDENT, and knowing them like I do after these five weeks together, I can say that I would feel safer being protected by my teddy bear than by any combination of the four of them. They’re lovely girls — and Spencer is looking particularly awesome in a messy ponytail and soft gray t-shirt this morning — but the way they shriek and crawl all over each other and furrow their brows in unison every time the phone rings or wind blows? That crap would freak me out on its own. And that’s before we find out that “A” has been recording them from inside Spencer’s closet.

Congratulations, “A,” you’ve truly out-creeped yourself.

Remember that time Hanna stole her boyfriend’s car and drove it into a tree because he wouldn’t make sweet teenage monkey with her? Well, Ken ain’t mad about it, but Hanna’s been sold into indentured servitude at a dentist’s office to pay off the debt anyway. She asks Ken about going to homecoming with her since he’s inexplicably not angry about the whole grand theft auto thing, and he says they’ll talk about it, but he’s gotta roll. Barbie is there to pick him up in her Pink Roadster since his Glam Convertible is still in the shop.

Inside the doctor’s office building, Hanna finds herself in an elevator with JennaBot. Hanna stays quiet in the back, too scared to move or breathe because she’s seen Battlestar Galactica and she knows it’s only a matter of time before JennaBot takes her revenge on all of mankind, starting with the four girls who blew her sight to smithereens. JennaBot pulls out her lipstick and Hanna sneeeeeaks forward to get a peek, because if it’s Jungle Red, JennaBot is “A” and the Apocalypse is coming sooner than any of them anticipated. JennaBot’s CylonSense warns her about Hanna’s presence and she goes, “Where did you get your scrubs? They’re so cute!” And then she turns her head to the side and whispers, “Those are the ugliest effing scrubs I’ve ever seen.”

At home, Hanna tells her mom it’s over with Ken because he got into a car with another girl. Hanna’s mom goes, “It’s only over if he trades in his Glam Convertible for a Cotton Candy Ferrari and leaves your ass for someone who can actually ski, someone who is not, in actual fact, a hooker.” Hanna understands this to mean that she should join the celibacy club with Ken, because neither of them have heard of Bristol Palin. Or Quinn Fabray.

Aria goes on a date to hear Gilbert Blythe read his short stories at a bar and — actually, hang on. Two people last week asked me: Who is Gilbert Blythe? And what kind of a world are we living in where that information is not common knowledge? I don’t see any of you asking me who Edward Cullen is. Our education system has failed us. We are all going to die. Mark my words if you can read them.

The point is: Gilbert Blythe is the second-greatest love of Anne Shirley’s life (behind Diana Barry) in the Anne of Green Gables books/TV mini-series. See, Anne loved Diana, but her mom made her marry the Most Boring Guy On Earth, and so Anne also joined the celibacy club. But Gilbert was very cute and loved her very much, and also he said sorry like a Canadian — “Anne, I’m sore-y” — and so she could not resist him, and neither could I, and neither could you, and neither can Aria.

Gilbert’s college roommate — who may be named “Herbert,” I can’t tell; he mumbles — shows up at the story reading and notices that Aria and Gil are smitten kittens. Herbert sends Aria off to the bar to fetch some cheese fries, and then he goes, “Look. You are way too adorable to survive in the clink. Stop it.” Aria comes back and tries to play with Gil’s hair in public, because she has lost all sense of discretion, and Gil shrugs her off.

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