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“The Real L Word” minicap: Episode Three “Bromance”

It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air. For some of our LA ladies, love smells like the sweet scent of flowers and candy. For others, it’s a whiff of money. One will be intoxicated by champagne and cigarette breath, while another will enjoy a romantic snoot full of dirty diaper. Welcome to The Real Smell Word. Get excited.

Nikki and Jill both think highly of Valentine’s Day because they’re in love and mushy like that. Tracy says her Valentine’s Days with women are more memorable but doesn’t say compared to what. Maybe she doesn’t remember.

Whitney reports it’s great if she’s dating someone, but chocolate can go f— itself if she’s single. Mikey is all business and takes the cynical approach — Valentine’s Day is a holiday contrived by greeting card companies to suck money out of us. And natch, Rose brags she’s had three or four girls on Valentine’s Day. That’s how she used to roll, bitches. We’re all so jealous of her inescapable animal magnetism; I don’t know how we go on living.

Remember that huge fight Rose and Natalie had last week? The one where Rose called Natalie a lame ass for wanting a crumb of respect, and then suggested she find somewhere else to live? Remember? Well, they don’t. It’s the next morning and all is hunky-dory at Chez Chugs ‘n’ Jugs.

Rose has no remorse because she “wasn’t even doing anything” except having a good time, dude. Natalie is also happy to forgive and forget the “little things,” like being humiliated in her own house. Behind the braying insults and constant self-aggrandizing, Rose is “cute” when she’s acting “like a kid.” Theirs is a relationship built on a mutual admiration. For Rose.

While Rose and Natalie play Name That Delusion over a huge, artery-clogging breakfast, Jill leaves Nikki at home to go shopping with Mr. Wonderful, Derek. Jill lets him drive her car to the store, where she giggles and defers to his judgment while picking out a Flip camera for Nikki’s Valentine’s Day gift. Electronics are so confusing! And driving a car is so tricky! They rush home so she can don an apron and fetch Derek’s slippers.

Mikey is playing tennis with her friend, Lisa. While they volley, Mikey mentions that Raquel has to work all weekend, (again) so she’ll be alone on Valentine’s Day. Aw.

Mikey deadpans, “It’s hard for me to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me, or my schedule.” Don’t worry, honey. Rose can explain it to you.

For her gift to Jill, Nikki has chosen dance lessons for both of them. They’ll need to learn how to dance at their wedding anyway, so it’s fun and practical. Good thing Nikki’s mother owns that dance studio in Weho, the one sandwiched between a men’s bar called the Mother Lode and a sex toy shop, and a few doors down from a celebrity milkshake joint that Lindsay Lohan frequents. It doesn’t get any gayer than that, people.

Nikki gets a sample dance lesson from a David Hyde Pierce look-alike.

OK, it just got gayer. My mistake.

Over at Stamie’s house, Tracy is trying to eat salad and hold a grown-up conversation. She’d like to talk about her life and “download” with her girlfriend, but it’s not easy when there’s a toddler squirming in her lap. Stamie says they’ll spend Valentine’s Day with the kids, because that’s what they both want. Uh huh.

To add to the happy chaos, Tracy has brought her dogs over. They’re the blended family for the new millennium. Too bad Stamie doesn’t find dogs on the same par as real children. At least dogs will never yell, “I hate you!” just because you won’t let them get a tattoo, and will never ask for $40,000 for art school.

Natalie tells the camera she wants to give Rose something for Valentine’s Day that she’s never received before. Since couples counseling and etiquette lessons require admitting something’s actually wrong, Natalie has settled on commissioning sexy photos of herself.

Natalie has an unshakeable belief that her girlfriend doesn’t mean to do bad, doesn’t mean to be cruel, and can be a wonderful partner. No one understands Rose like she does. Some call it love. Some call it Stockholm Syndrome.

Meanwhile, Whitney has no idea who her Valentine will be. Her guess? No one. Apparently, when everyone is special, no one is special. She’d rather concentrate on the horror movie she and Alyssa are working on. The male producer, who might also have a wee crush on her, offers Whitney the lead in the movie. Listen. A meritocracy is that thing with working hands. This is LA, baby.

Whitney is less daunted by the prospect of having a hetero sex scene than she is about showing “FUPA.” In Whitney’s lexicon, FUPA stands for “fat upper p—y area.” Not to be confused with FUBABS (fat upper back above bra strap) or UGALF (upper granny arms like flags) or the dreaded GOLF (girth only liposuction fixes.)

It’s the night before Valentine’s Day and Tracy and Stamie have eight o’clock dinner reservations to celebrate their first Valentine’s Day together. But trying to get three wide-awake kids to go to bed is like wrangling cats. Tracy is no dope and retreats to the kitchen while Stamie endures some ear-splitting screaming. Now, it’s 8:30PM. Tracy asks Stamie if she still wants to go out. “No,” Stamie cracks, “I want to be trapped in this house forever.” Too bad Tracy isn’t laughing anymore.

On Valentine’s Day morning, Nikki and Jill exchange their gifts and read aloud their thoughtful, really wordy cards to each other. Jill bounces with delight at Nikki’s “creative” dance lessons gift certificate. Nikki cries with happy surprise, “Oh my god! You got us a Flip!” I liked how she said “us” and not “me.” Nikki’s world revolves around something larger than herself. Unlike some people whom shall remain Rose.

When it comes to Valentine’s Day with two women, Jill says it can’t help but be fuzzy. Perhaps they should invest in some razors. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t give you license to let personal grooming go out the window. Oh. Wait. That’s not what she meant by “fuzzy.” Well, clearly, Jill hasn’t seen Rose’s card to Natalie, which reads something like this:

Dude,

For every one woman who says “no” there are 10 who will say “yes.” You’re lucky you have my love. Happy VD, bitch!

Bottoms up,

Rose

To get in shape for her role as a bad ass chick with a six-pack FUPA, Whitney hires a woman she found on YouTube. Sure. Why not. If Whitney can land the lead role in a film because the Power of the Clam is an equal opportunity phenom, and some guy can get a TV series out of tweeting dumbass things his dad says, why not hire a trainer off YouTube?

Whitney’s roommate and the resident BS detector, Alyssa, takes one look at the trainer, Miranda, and sees trouble: she’s hot, will be spending long hours concentrating on Whitney’s body, and did I mention she’s hot?

After Miranda leaves, the girls all wonder if she’s gay. Does it even matter? She’s pretty, she’s female and she’s breathing — Whitney’s already on her scent. Tor finally realizes that staying in Whitney’s room may not have been the best idea on earth. She says, “She’s lucky she doesn’t have a dick. If she did, she’d have a lot of kids.” Again with the dicks?

Attention Straight Showtime Viewers: I know you’re the show’s target audience and all, but I swear on a stack of Bound DVDs, we don’t talk about penises this much.

Wondering where The Schlonginator, Mikey is? She’s doing a thoughtful thing for her Aunt Kat. Aunt Kat took care of young Mikey when her own mother couldn’t be bothered. Now a cancer survivor, Aunt Kat is going for a makeover to feel beautiful again, courtesy of her grateful niece. At the salon, who do they meet but Romi. What a co-inky-dink.

Back at Rose and Natalie’s, the Valentine’s Day festivities have begun. Natalie gives Rose some fancy flowers as tall as she is.

Rose hands Natalie some roses and says, “Red roses,” in case Natalie has suddenly gone blind from the shock of her thoughtfulness.

They get in the car and drive off to the rest of Natalie’s surprise evening. In the car, Natalie tells Rose she just tweeted “Being in love is the best gift ever.” Rose tells her to get off her damn phone, warning her, “I’m only going to say it once to you.” The second best gift ever? Being scolded like a five-year-old by a woman who thinks being a good party hostess means inviting friends to pull out their t–s.

Stamie’s son, Jagger, would also like to see some breasts. He asks Tracy if she’s going to take off her bra. Instead of doing a logical thing, like, oh, I don’t know, putting on a shirt, she tries to distract him with a balloon. He says, “I wanna see you.” They grow up so fast.

Tracy and Stamie make their Valentine’s Day all about the kids. Stamie’s gift to Tracy is a key to the house. Tracy loves the gesture because it’s a sign of trust. She asks Stamie if she wants a key to her house. Stamie says it’s not necessary because, “I know where you keep your extra.”

Rose’s plan is all about mystery. First, she makes Natalie put on a blindfold and then, walk up to and through a hotel with it on. Making her woman look foolish never occurred to Rose before — why change now?

Next, an in-room massage is followed by dinner, wine and some private, romantical conversation. Rose tells the world about Natalie’s breast reduction by asking her on camera why she did it. I’m not sure Natalie wanted viewers to know her medical history, but too late now.

Natalie switches gears and presents Rose with the sexy photos of herself. Rose ogles Natalie’s still ample cleavage and declares she now approves the reduction surgery. Well, good. Those breasts left the station a long time ago, but whatevs. Next, Rose ogles their surroundings and reminds Natalie of the awesomeness that is her credit card.

Rose: This is amazing.

Natalie: This is beyond amazing.

Rose: Like, I would fall in love with myself, if I were you.

Natalie: I’m already in love with you.

Rose: Love has never been an issue for me. My problem is I have a lot of love. I spread it around.

Like herpes.

Then, it’s back to the room, where a path of rose petals leads to the bed. Natalie oohs and aahs and gives Rose a teeth cleaning. OK. The evening may have been a string of old clichés, but Rose did what she could, the only way she knows how.

Back in Weho, Mikey doesn’t want to be home alone, so she goes with Romi and another single friend to the Abbey. Whitney has decided to venture out and meets Mikey for the first time. Instead of crossing swords or butting heads like rutting rams, the two hit it off in the giddiest, weirdest way possible: they’re flirting with each other and Mikey has opened her shirt and invites lip gloss to be applied to her waiting lips. Romi gets pushed aside like a pile of dirty laundry as Mikey embraces her femme side.

Some girls just shouldn’t be left alone on Valentine’s Day.

In the end, Mikey staggers home, very drunk, very alone and missing Raquel. Tracy and Stamie stare at each other and wonder if it’s safe to have sex now. Jill and Nikki are on their thousand dollar pillow-top mattress, giving each other back rubs. And Romi finally gets Whitney alone in bed. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

 

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