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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.04): Say Crack Again

Another AfterEllen.com writer – who shall remain nameless due to the deep shame this story will (rightly) heap upon her – recently said to me, “I don’t really get Pretty Little Liars.” And even though nothing delights me more than turning a five-word scene into a fifteen page deconstruction, I emailed back this time and said, “Then I am severing our friendship.”

Right?

I mean, this week alone, here’s what you get: Two would-be gaymos processing the s–t out of a scarf and a kiss like it’s the most complicated math problem ever committed to paper, like someone asked them to divide by zero over here. You get a passionate, sexy debate by one of the greatest characters in American literature (Gilbert Blythe) about the greatest novel in American history (To Kill a Mockingbird). (You heard me, East Egg.) You get a main character creeping through her house wielding a cleaver. You get a different main character threatening to feed her stepsister to a sea monster. And you get the full-blown heebie-jeebies just because it’s a real possibility that a werewolf ex-boyfriend or a blind robot frenemy or ANOTHER Days of our Lives star is going to wander into the frame and set the whole place on fire!

Like, you know in New Moon when Bella goes, “Is everything true?” This show is the answer to that question. Yes, everything is true – and “A” wrote down all of it in her fookin diary.

This theme song, by The Pierces, I’ve been walking around singing, “Got a secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you’ll save. Gotta Wocket in your pocket, taking this one to the grave.” But, no. It’s not Seussian; I looked it up. It’s locket in your pocket. Like Annie. Like Chuck Bass’ mom.

The PLLs are in the park, working a new angle to build Alison’s shrine in a public place this time, when Spencer concocts the next scheme in their grand plan to rid themselves of “A.” She opens her laptop and starts typing away because Wi-Fi – like evil – is just in the air in Rosewood. She says she’s blocked all emails and text messages and phone calls and house visits and random street encounters with/from people she doesn’t know. She has literally enacted a force-field against unknown persons with the push of a button. Everyone else follows her lead as Mr. Blythe rides by on his bike and waves.

Spencer and Hanna catcall him and are like, “Those bike shorts leave nothing to the imagination about the Wocket in Gilbert Blythe’s pocket!” And, “He can honk my handlebar horn any time!” Aria is mortified as she finishes enacting her invisible stranger shield, and as soon as she’s finished and they’re convinced “A” is out of their lives forever, a flyer drifts over to them on the wings of the wind – because “A” controls the weather too – and scrawled in blood (or red marker) are the words: “You don’t just talk about the Wocket in someone else’s boyfriend’s pocket, OK? It’s like the rules of feminism.”

Hanna’s problems this week are, once again, self-inflicted and revolve around her penchant for petty crime. Though, apparently in Rosewood, PA, the hierarchy of criminal activity, from the very worst thing you could possibly do – like raining-down-Old-Testament-plagues-on-yourself bad – to the a sort of naughty thing you could possibly do – like smack-on-the-wrist bad – goes like this: pinch a pair of sunglasses; obstruct justice; steal a car and wreck it in the Forbidden Forest; poke out a girl’s eyes with a firecracker. Double apparently, there’s also some kind of distinction between stealing a car and destroying it, and stealing a car and just kind of denting it. Like, Hanna keeps going, “I didn’t wreck it; it’s not like it can’t be fixed.”

Her dad calls and says he wants to take her to dinner, and when he shows up – hold onto your hats, daytime fans – he is MIKE HORTON! Her UNCLE from Days of Our Lives! (If Sami Brady makes an appearance in Rosewood and tries to sell a baby on the black market, my circle of adoration for this show will be complete.) Hanna hasn’t seen MIKE HORTON since she “lost the weight.” She wants to impress him so she hopes he doesn’t know about her life of crime and how it has turned her mother into a prostitute. But he does know, at least about the thievery part. He takes her to an amusement park and Hanna decides she wants to spend her summers with him, and she’s going to tell him at dinner the next night. Only, he pulls the classic deadbeat wanker dad move of inviting his fiance and her daughter, Replacement Hanna, to dinner without even telling Hanna he’s engaged.

Over bruschetta, Hanna tells Replacement Hanna that she’s ugly and gross in about 17 different ways, and when Replacement Mom suggests that Replacement Hanna take Real Hanna sailing, Real Hanna fully goes, “To see which one of us comes back?” Replacement Hanna is like, “Was that a joke?” Real Hanna says that yes, it was a joke, and it was an awesome joke, but an equally awesome rejoinder would have been: “No, it is not a joke. I am actually going to drown you.” MIKE HORTON reaches for his doctor’s bag. You don’t get to be the chief of staff at Salem University Hospital without learning how to subdue a psychopath.

Spencer, remember, stole her sister’s paper on the Russian Revolution, and it was so good that her teacher has submitted it to some kind of essay competition, which means national attention, which means oh s–t. But she doesn’t have long to dwell on the fact that plagiarism is going to ruin her life, because her former future-brother-in-law has broken into her house with, like, a ficus tree. And he’s drunk. He English Accents that he’s come to set things right with Spencer and her family, and then he drops the ficus tree on the floor and you know it’s the most dirt the Hastings family kitchen has ever seen. Spencer is like, “Here, let me help you clean that up.” And Wren is like, “I met the wrong sister first.” And they lean in to kiss each other, and the video camera outside the window is like, “Record, record, record.”

At Rosewood High, Aria tells Mr. Blythe that her friends think he has sexy legs, and he actually goes, “What do you think?” They agree that “whatever is going on between” them is “not smart” but Mr. Blythe invites Aria to his apartment anyway to cook one of the two dishes that won’t poison them. Aria, powerless against his boyish charm, agrees. While she’s lying to her mom about going to Spencer’s she flashes back to that scene where her dad is stupidly making out with his mistress in the backseat of a car, but the flashback continues this time and Alison is like, “If you don’t tell your mom, I will. If your dad has sex with another woman, your mom will get Chlamydia – and die.”

Aria tries to talk to Gilbert about it, and he tells her to maybe mind her own beeswax while also throwing around words like “adult” and “grown-up,” which is a classic mistake when you’re wooing someone younger than you. Aria storms out and is going to bed hungry now, for sure, because she didn’t eat at Gil’s and she didn’t eat at Spencer’s and the only thing she ate at home was a carrot.

The next day in class, the sexiest thing happens and that is that Mr. Blythe and Aria get into a heated debate about To Kill a Mockingbird, to the point where they actually forget there are other people in the room. (Here’s a tip: If you want to make out with me, get into a fight with me about Jane Austen.) Mr. Blythe is going off about the duplicitous nature of Atticus Finch, and Aria is defending him, and everyone else is like, “Get a room, you two” except one kid in the back who kind of contradicts Aria. Mr. Blythe is like, “ARIA IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND YOU HAVE PHLEGM” and then he snaps out of it real quick, all, “Sorry, what were you saying?

And I am going to quote this kid for posterity. I still can’t figure out what’s happening here with To Kill a Mockingbird, but I’m convinced that Toby Cavanaugh is Boo Radley, and I’m also convinced that this little speech is going to be important later. (Oh! Also! If you know who “A” is, don’t spoil it in the comments. OK? Let’s make that promise to each other now. I want to read your comments, but I’m afraid! I hate being spoiled!)

Well, it’d probably be easier for Atticus to get the kid off than to get Boo off, that’s all.

I don’t know, just file it.

Aria goes to Gilbert’s apartment after school and is like, “You can’t lit-f-ck me in front of the entire class and not expect people to know something’s going on between us! And also, you’re still wrong about my parents because guess what? You don’t know me!” Gilbert says she’s right and then pulls her inside like he’s going to get to know her in a Biblical way. But they end up just chatting and eating Chinese food.

Aria decides she’s going to go home and tell her mom the truth, and just as she’s about to spit it out, her super distraught mom gets a letter from “A” telling her about the affair, the potential Chlamydia, and how Aria knew all along. “A” is getting more dangerous. She’s moved past making threats and is now onto Phase Two: TOTAL DESTRUCTION! (I love Phase Two! Phase Two is my favorite!)

And Emily. Oh, Emily, Emily.

But wait! Maya. Oh, Maya, Maya.

I know we’ve talked about Bianca Lawson, and how she’s been playing a teenager for … a while now, but the information about her many, many teenage roles has only been at the edge of my brain – because if you never age, why not play a young adult, right? – but then last night she said something (I don’t remember what) and I paused the DVR and gaped, because holy crap, you guys, she played Nikki in Save the Last Dance! (And hold tight, ’cause I’m gonna macro the shiz out of it for you in just a second.)

Maya has purchased a scarf for Emily, which she presents to her at school by wrapping it around her neck in front of the entire student body. It’s kind of possessive, actually. Like, you don’t just go around touching people’s throats unless you’re just super intimate with them, or like a vampire or a wolf or something. Emily is kind of uncomfortable, but also flattered. She wears the scarf for a little while and then stuffs it in her locker. The scarf is really the least of her worries. I said vampires and wolves, right?

Toby is skulking around in Emily’s chemistry class like a damn Cullen, and of course he gets assigned to be her lab partner. You can actually hear Two Steps From Hell‘s creepy “Mercy in Darkness” crooning when he sits down beside her. Like, the whole thing should be in slow-mo and Toby should be sniffing the air, all repulsed by how awesome Emily smells. So, Emily’s ex-boyfriend is a werewolf from the Jacob Black pack and her new lab partner is a vampire. How about that?

And listen to me, lesbians – I am not spoiled, I haven’t read the books, but I am just going to go ahead and tell you this, because I want to avoid a 90210 heartbreak situation here: If I know stories, Emily is going to end up with this Toby Boo Radley Cavenaugh Cullen. I mean, we’ve actually gotten a scoop that there’s going to be a coming out episode, and I am happy about that and Emily and Maya are hot together, but just don’t be shocked if Emily ends up falling for the vampire.

Of course, there’s always the chance that Toby will make a play for Emily and Maya will channel her inner Save the Last Dance Nikki and we’ll get the kind of hip-hop diva/zombie fisticuffs the world has always wanted.

Emily opens up her book and what to her wandering eyes should appear, but a photo of her and Maya with their lips locked tight. She slams the book shut, and after school she goes to Maya’s work and hides in the shrubbery and is like, “Ca-caw! Ca-caw! The sapphic squirrel flies at dawn!” And Maya is like, “Wait, what?” Emily says they need to talk – this is hilarious – and she makes this motion that they should move away to get some privacy, so they take three steps forward – away from the absolute no one who is outside the cafe – and have a conversation about the photo.

Maya is glad Emily found it; she thinks they look cute. Emily is like, “Did you put this in my chemistry book; just tell me, and I won’t be mad.” And Maya goes, “Why in the world would that make you mad?” And Emily snatches the photos back and looks all around like the worst spy you’ve ever seen – like Inspector Gadget. No, like the time when I was a little kid and I nicked an entire container of delicious Flintstone vitamins and my mom caught me in the throes of eating the entire bottle and I tried to swallow like 20 Bam-Bams at once. That’s what Emily does with the photo, just shoves it in her purse like that. She goes, “I don’t think you get it. This is a EVIDENCE of YOU AND I – TWO GIRLS – TOUCHING OUR LIPS TOGETHER.” Maya gets it. She just walks away.

Emily goes to talk to her after work and things get real gay real fast. Like, this is the gayest thing they’ve done so far. Gayer than spooning and kissing. See for yourself:

You impress me, ABC Family! That was for real! It actually made me swoon a little.

Emily says, “I liked the kiss. I don’t know what the kiss means.” And Maya says, “What do you need?” They agree to get a little space and perspective and Maya is a champ here: “I care about you, and I’ll wait. You don’t need to say anything. You just need to know that.” (And I haven’t mentioned this, but the directing on this show is really, really slick. It makes Secret Life of the American Teenager look like, well, Days of Our Lives.)

At home, Spencer and Hanna realize someone has broken into her house. They SOS text Emily and Aria who rush over and find that the culprit is “A.” “It won’t be that easy, bitches” she’s written on Spencer’s mirror in Alison’s signature Jungle Red lipstick. Which means “A” isn’t just engaging in virtual terrorism anymore – she’s taking this bitch to the streets, black ops style. And oh, guerrilla warfare is my favorite kind of teen TV warfare!

Now all “A”‘s gotta do is crack one of the PLLs. She cracks one of the PLLs and she cracks the lock on their whole dirty history.

Say crack again.

Crack.

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