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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.8 “Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear”

A Road to Nowhere – This week, our heroines continue their getaway into the wilds of … well, Los Angeles County. Ashley is at the helm of her sports car while Spencer is napping.

The song “You Can Sleep While I Drive” is not playing in the background.

Spence awakens from a bad dream, and Ash ventures a guess at the contents. “What, that we went all Thelma and Louise on your family because they found out their daughter’s gay?”

Which is to say that they would knock off a bunch of gas stations, pick up a guy, and eventually drive off a cliff as mostly platonic BFFs.

God, I hope not.

Spencer’s with me on this. “Good thing that’ll never happen. We’re not crazy, right? I can’t let my mom keep us apart. It’s not right.” Ashley agrees that Paula is out of line, but harshes Spencer’s (and my) mellow when she adds, “But we do have to go back and face her sooner or later.”

Spencer votes for later. When Ash asks her where she wants to go, Spencer whips out the map and studies it for about as long as she spends in the classroom during any given SON episode. Then she then tosses it out of the car.

Spencer: You know what? We can go anywhere!

Ashley: I love anywhere.

Spencer throws her arms up in the air and yelps like a coyote.

Carlin Command Post – Big surprise here: Paula is melting down. After trying unsuccessfully to call Spencer, she fumes, “So she doesn’t want to answer her phone? Fine! I’m calling the police and having them put out an AMBER Alert!”

Arthur tries to talk her off the ledge: “We know that they haven’t been kidnapped. Ashley’s mom says she’s done this before, and she always comes home.”

Paula snorts, “Well, you’ll forgive me if I’m not following that woman’s lead.”

For a moment, Arthur gets confused and starts talking about the situation as if he’s dealing with someone on his wavelength. “Spencer’s been hurt. She’s just reacting to a traumatic -”

Paula interrupts: “Wait. Are you blaming me?” Her fierce tone and narrowed eyes make me want to hide under my desk. Good luck, Arthur.

Arthur: Well you did everything but kick her out the door.

Surprisingly, she does not deck him. She looks over at her remaining kids, Dumb and Dorkier, who are probably shivering in their Skechers. There are no comments from the peanut gallery.

Having survived this mission, he sends Mother Superior off to work and tells her he’s got it under control. And he even gives her a nice little kiss.

Freeway of Love – The adventure continues, and they still haven’t settled on a destination. Without that map they probably wouldn’t know how to get there, anyway.

Spencer throws her arms up in the air and shimmies, “How about San Francisco? Wooohooooo!”

If she gets this excited about taking the 5 freeway up to SF, imagine the sort of response a trip to Tahiti might elicit! Ashley really needs to think this destination thing through.

For Spencer, this sort of uninhibited behavior really is out of character. Is this what happens when she’s free from Paula’s tractor beam?

Nah. It’s just a sugar rush. Spencer admits that she’s chowed down four doughnuts, which in Los Angeles is a misdemeanor. So it’s a good thing they got out of town.

Sugar is apparently a mild aphrodisiac as well, because Spencer finally remembers that she’s on a romantic getaway with her hot girlfriend. She moons, “I’m sorry. I’m just so excited that we’re away from everyone. Just you, me and the doughnuts.”

Ashley says suggestively, “I think I can do better than doughnuts.”

Does this mean they’re going to find a restaurant, or was that some sort of innuendo? And why haven’t these two pulled over and made out already?

King High — Aiden is brooding over a sports magazine, and I doubt he’s reading the articles.

By the way, I want to try something new. I’m really missing the bigger gay vibe of the first season of South of Nowhere, so I’m taking matters into my own hands. And no, I’m not making a sexy SON YouTube video.

I’m going to pretend that Aiden is a really butch lesbian and interpret the show from that perspective this week. Then everything will seem gayer, and his behavior with girls will probably make a lot more sense.

So just for today, he’s “Adrienne” to me.

Kyla approaches her (Adrienne) and wants to know why she didn’t pick her up at the airport or return any of her phone calls. Did she forget?

Adrienne: Maybe you should get a ride from your boyfriend.

Oh my God, this is already working. I think I’ve actually uttered those exact words before!

Kyla: Yeah, that’s what I thought I was doing.

Adrienne: No, I mean your boyfriend back home. I guess the commute from Baltimore would be a real bitch. But it won’t be the only one …

Nice passive-aggressive jab there, Adrienne. You are such a girl!

Motel Hell — The girls are standing outside of a motel and debating what to do with themselves.

Spencer takes the direct approach. “You know, we could always rent a room. You do have a credit card.”

And so it begins. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger …

Ashley is thinking beyond the plastic. “Who’s going to rent a room to two 17-year-olds? Not only that, but if you use a credit card, you might as well call your parents and tell them exactly where we’re at.” She’s right, and it’s proof that I’m not the only one surviving on a constant drip of Law and Order reruns.

She adds, “Besides, we only need the room for less than a night.”

I’m not sure if she’s talking about an hourly rate or what, but she tosses her jacket in the doorway of one of the rooms as a maid is exiting, conveniently jamming it open.

The girls grab their bags and scurry inside. Ashley teases, “Did you ask for the honeymoon suite?” as Spencer follows her in, and mischievously hangs the Do Not Disturb tag on the door.

Once inside, they do what any hotblooded runaway teen lovers would do. They jump on the bed and squeal like 12-year-olds.

What the hell?

Spencer looks around the sleazy-ish, mirrored room and says semi-seductively, “Mirrors, oooh …”

And Ashley inexplicably changes the subject to food.

Ashley: OK, I’ll bet this place does not have room service, but I’m sure we can find a $5 candy bar.

Spencer: I am not paying $5 for a freakin’ candy bar.

Of course not. That’s what your girlfriend’s credit card is for.

The girls check out the gas-station food on display in the room, and Spencer enthusiastically embraces it.

Yes, she passionately embraces a wire rack of generic Cheetos instead of Ashley. This bums me out.

Then we cut away to the exterior of the motel. What exactly is she doing in there with those Cheetos that necessitated cutting away?

Then we cut back to the interior of their room again. Ashley is walking out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, and Spencer has discovered Pay Per View, only “minus the pay part.”

Does the towel indicate that there really was a need to cut away? I dunno. Spencer doesn’t seem to have bed-head. Maybe Ashley just needed a shower.

The noticeably unrumpled Spencer is enjoying her little crime spree, and I admit that I am, too. I kinda like her as an outlaw. But Ashley isn’t happy with the horror movie that they aren’t paying for.

Ashley: Could we please watch something that actually involves skin?

Hell to the yes. Thank you, Ash!

Spencer: This has skin. I mean, they’re peeling it off the chick, but …

She looks at Ash and checks to see if she can capitalize on the fear factor, like Ashley did with her on their terrifying after-hours trip to the petting zoo.

Ashley scrunches up her face at the TV and says, “That’s disgusting.”

Undeterred, Spencer takes the upper hand and tells Ashley to relax. Then instead of planting one on her or pushing her back on the bed, she begins brushing Ashley’s hair.

Spencer says dreamily, “I wish we could stay here forever.”

Then they would never, ever, ever have to stop hugging junk food or brushing each other’s hair.

Ashley reminds Spencer that they have to keep moving, then realizes that she hasn’t yet called Adrienne to tell her that they’re OK.

Cut to Adrienne, who sees that she’s getting a call from the Starlite Motel. She smiles conspiratorially as she answers the phone. After all, sisterhood is powerful.

Adrienne: Well at least I know you’re not calling me from jail, Ashley.

Adrienne tells Ash that the Carlins are worried about them. She adds, “And they’re not the only ones. You said you were gonna call me from the road.”

Ashley: Yeah, yeah. Take it out of my allowance, Mom.

Adrienne ignores a call from Kyla and asks if the girls are at least being “safe.”

Ashley: You’re so adorable when you’re being protective.

Adrienne: Fine. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Ashley: Oh, I already did. Twice.

I’m not buying it.

Highway to Hell — The girls have checked out of their seedy love den and are hauling ass down a deserted stretch of road. They are busy gloating over their freedom when a tumbleweed tumbles in front of the car, causing Ashley to lose control.

Hospital — A paramedic tells Paula that the patient they’re wheeling in was unconscious when they found her. Paula takes a look at the girl in question and gasps …

King High — Clay is freaking out because he can’t find Chelsea, and he’s worried that she may have gone to the clinic to get an abortion without him. As usual, Sean is there to give him sound advice.

Clay: This whole thing’s torn us apart. We don’t even know what to say to each other anymore. It’s like I can’t even find the words.

When he tells Sean that he loves Chelsea regardless of their pregnancy drama, Sean sweetly tells him, “It sounds like you found the words.”

I love Sean. In fact, I demand more Sean! And while I’m at it, I demand more Chelsea too! Oh yeah, and some romance between Ash and Spencer wouldn’t hurt either.

Stinky Gym — Adrienne is beating the crap out of a punching bag. She’s probably picturing her two-timing girlfriend’s face in the center of it.

Arthur and Glen enter, and Arthur is still fretting over not having heard from Spencer.

Glen the Genius assures him, “You guys don’t know where we are half the time anyway. After you and Mom go to sleep we sneak out all the time — oh … I mean, not me, but …”

Arthur has had enough of the talking monkey and sets out to find Adrienne. When he finds her, he asks if she’s heard from Spencer or Ashley. Adrienne lies (badly), and Arthur breaks it down for her.

Arthur: I know you’re being a good friend by not telling me where they are. But a better friend would want to make sure they’re safe.

Adrienne: They’re safe.

Arthur: You’d better hope so. Because if anything happens to my little girl, it’s on you.

Arthur means business these days. If he’s willing to take on Tigress Carlin, he won’t hesitate to mop up the gym floor with some pumped-up little dyke like Adrienne.

But Adrienne doesn’t break and instead returns to pounding her rage-catcher. Arthur slyly swipes her cell phone, which impresses — and kind of scares — his dipshit son.

Arthur dials up the Starlite Motel and thus joins the ranks of bounty hunters everywhere.

Hospital — Paula calls Clay to tell him that Chelsea (the mystery patient and gasp-eliciter) was in a minor car accident but that she’s OK. Chelsea has a hellacious bruise on her head and seems to be muttering to herself in a state of delirium. Perhaps Paula wouldn’t think it was a “major” injury unless she had to install a shunt in Chelsea’s noodle.

Paula would make a good battlefield doctor. Clearly, she could heal or she could kill — whichever was needed.

The Open Road — Ash’s car is sporting a flat (I think it was a rare thorny tumbleweed) and she’s indignant that no one is stopping to help “two hot girls.”

Spencer lightens the mood by blurting out, “I’m telling you Ashley, the hills have eyes. They probably think we’re a decoy for some inbred psycho with a chainsaw for a hand.”

When Spencer learns that Ash has chucked the spare in favor of beach equipment, she insists that they start walking for help. “I think I remember a diner somewhere up the road from where we got lost.”

Ashley playfully pokes Spencer’s nonexistent gut and tells her, “Good, you can work off some of that junk food.”

Spencer responds by hip-checking her, which is second only to hair-brushing in the realm of hot pseudo-lesbian sex.

Spencer and Ashley are taking their sweet time walking to civilization. Spencer is insisting on finding the bright side. “At least we’re working on our tans!”

Ashley: Yeah, I just hope coyotes don’t like dark meat.

Spencer: That is so not funny!

Ashley: Do you see me laughing? I just want to go back there and have someone fix our tire so we can be back on the road.

Spencer: And go where? We don’t even know where we’re going.

Ashley: That didn’t bother you before …

Um, are we still talking about the road trip? Ashley wonders too. She whips off her glamorous shades and asks the inevitable question.

Ashley: Spencer, you regret coming with me, don’t you?

Spencer: Ash, I don’t regret coming out here with you. I just wish that we running to something rather than away from something.

Ashley: The Stereophonics have a song where they say, “You have to go there to get back.”

Spencer: What do the Stereophonics say about changing a tire?

Ashley doesn’t know, and neither do I. I know what Chrissie Hynde said about changing tires, but I don’t think she was talking about car maintenance.

Hospital — Paula tells Chelsea that she passed out while behind the wheel and drove her car into a pole. She assures her that she’s fine, and “so is … the baby.”

Yep, Paula knows.

Chelsea starts to cry and sniffs, “I can’t believe this has happened. This isn’t me.”

Paula: Does Clay know?

Chelsea: Yes, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like there’s no way out, you know?

Paula: Yeah, I do. I know how you feel.

Chelsea: How could you?

Paula: I got pregnant before we were married — with Glen.

Chelsea: So what should I do?

Paula tells her that the Catholic, mother and doctor in her all have differing opinions. Great. Thanks for that helpful input, Sybil.

Chelsea has to figure it out on her own, but Mama C. will hold her hand while she does it.

Stinky Gym — Adrienne is spotting Glen as he lifts weights. Kyla walks in to confront Adrienne, who almost does us all a favor by dropping the barbell on the dumbbell.

Kyla: Can I have a minute?

Adrienne: Yeah, if you can spare a minute from texting and calling your boyfriend.

Kyla: You know what? Go to hell! Calling me a bitch and then snubbing me and getting information from Madison? If you want to know about me, how about asking?

Adrienne: Would you have lied to me or would you have told me the truth?

Kyla: Yeah, I lied about why I went to Baltimore, but I never, ever lied about how I felt about you.

Adrienne: You didn’t have to! You showed me. You know I’m really feeling stupid that I bought into all your crap, like dancing and Shakespeare.

Glen nearly busts a gut when he hears that one.

Glen: Dude, you’re a total chick.

Adrienne: A chick that’ll whup your ass! Just shut up!

Adrienne drags her girlfriend away to a more private fighting arena.

Kyla: So you want to know about the new girl? Did I sleep around too much? Yes. And I drank too much and I partied too much and I hurt my mom really bad. I almost got kicked out of school. And if I didn’t make a really drastic change, I’m telling you that I would not be here right now!

Finally, some good old-fashioned dyke drama! Now this is what I’m talking about!

Kyla tells Adrienne that she liked the clean slate she got when she moved to Los Angles, and that Adrienne liked her for who she was and not the fact that she could get her into bed.

Adrienne suggests a do-over, that they start again as friends and see how it goes. Kyla tells her that she broke up with the boyfriend while she was home, but Adrienne doesn’t budge. She tells her this means that now the really will have a clean slate.

On the Road Again — With the Children of the Night baying relentlessly in the background, the girls arrive at the diner and find it deserted. Ash notices a poster for a missing girl plastered to a window and decides that maybe they should head back to their car. And that’s when a creepy, thuggish guy pulls up alongside them.

OMG — I think that it’s Vin Diesel! He wants to know if they need a ride. Spencer immediately declines. She saw The Pacifier, and she’s not about to hitch a ride on that train.

Vin’s steroids kick in, and he gets violent. Either Spencer or Ashley uses her special genie powers to miraculously open the diner door, and they run inside and hide as Vin bangs on the windows and grunts at them. Spencer calls Arthur for help and gives him some half-assed directions to their location (“We’re in some diner off of some road …”).

Hospital — Clay and Chelsea make up, and he doesn’t even seem scared that Mama Carlin knows that he got his girlfriend pregnant. So much for the efficacy of that church-approved abstinence crap, Mother Superior.

Deserted Diner — The banging on the door continues, but this time it’s Arthur. The girls run out to him, and he embraces Spencer. Before she can start making excuses, he apologizes to her. (Remember, he’s had a lot of practice thanks to living with Mother Superior.)

He tells Spencer, “I’m sorry that you felt like your home was a place where you couldn’t be yourself, a place you had to get away from. That stops right now. I’m gonna protect you — both of you — the best way I can. But running away isn’t the answer. I raised a fighter, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you prove me wrong.”

Then poor little dadless Ashley leaps into his arms and says, “You’re the best girlfriend’s dad I ever had!”

Awww.

The End of the Road — The girls are discussing their Starlite Motel keepsake (no, not bedbugs, the Do Not Disturb sign). Spencer wonders if they ever will have any privacy “now that we’re out to everyone.”

Who are they, Ellen and Portia ducking the paparazzi?

Ashley: Your dad’s cool, I just wish your mom could be. Spencer: Yeah, she’s not gonna like it, but she’s just gonna have to accept it.

Ashley: What?

Spencer: That I love you.

Spencer gives Ash a big old BFF hug as Mama Carlin opens the front door and steps outside the house to eyeball them.

More hugs? Cripes. Well, at least they didn’t drive off a cliff.

Spencer tells Ash, “Well, you gotta check out sometime,” and then exits the car to hug Paula. Ashley watches from the car, and Mama C. even makes an effort by hesitantly waving in Ashley’s general direction.

Next Week — The Carlins spend some quality time together as a family. Because this includes a friendly game of paintball, Paula is armed and dangerous. And that’s hot.

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