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“The L Word” Recaps: 4.10 “Little Boy Blue”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Control: Bette’s addiction.

Stories: A great way to while away a rainy (or a horny) day.

Work: What Jodi hears clearer than everyone else.

THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Kristanna Loken likes stories; Annabella Sciorra likes to make people uncomfortable; Sandrine Holt likes to be amused.

Body art — Catherine and Helena are in bed. Catherine is explaining horse racing. She does so by scrawling — in lipstick — a race track on Helena’s belly. With an X, she marks where they’ll be sitting when their horse crosses the finish line, which just happens to be an extension of Helena’s navel.

Wait, do me next! Only put, like, a smile and a nose, and turn my boobies into eyes, and then I can pull my shirt over my head and do a dance!

Catherine says she’s “never gotten a better tip” on a horse. The horse in question is called In the Pink. Aren’t horses’ names fun? And of course they can be odd, like Phar Lap or Secretariat or Mister Ed. When I was a kid, my neighbor had a horse she named Love’s Baby Soft. That kind of gave me the creeps.

Anyway, Catherine says In the Pink (which is certainly the most lesbian horse name ever) is as close as you can get to a “sure thing.” Helena seems to believe her. Careful, Helena: Something toxic in that lipstick must have seeped through your skin and poisoned your brain.

I’ve mentioned this before in a recap — for the episode in which we learned about Dana’s mother’s history — but I’ll say it again: You can, should you fancy it, buy The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories.

I don’t own a copy myself, though I do have both of the Lesbian Vampire Stories books. Those are fantastic.

Hey, maybe Catherine’s a vampire. She’s pale, thin, mysterious and evil. Well, I’m only surmising the latter, but she must be up to something. She seems friendly enough, though, when she encourages Helena to invite some of her friends to the races.

Catherine: We can do some business on that website.

Helena: I’ve already told Alice I’m in for 50 grand.

Catherine: Oh, and invite the little dark twisted one. She amuses me.

Helena: You know, she’s talking about getting a monkey.

Catherine: Of course she is.

And then Catherine puts some lipstick on Helena’s lips.

I don’t know why, but these two just don’t do anything for me. I do like the song in the background, though: “Invest in My Love.” Guess who’s singing it? Janina Gavankar, who plays Papi. Who knew? You can listen to the song on her website. I much prefer her singing to hearing her speak with that inconsistent Papi accent. But I also prefer dentist appointments, cilantro and long lines at the post office to that. (Maybe not cilantro. I really hate cilantro.)

A homecoming — Max and Grace have arrived at Max’s childhood home. Max tells Grace a story about the time he tried to kiss a mouse and it bit him. On the way to the hospital, his sister convinced him he had rabies. Ah, sibling torture. My brother once convinced me I was born with 12 fingers and had to be sent away until the two extra ones shriveled up and fell off.

Oh yeah — where were we? These two are comfortable together. And cute, even.

When they reach the door of the house, Max hesitates.

Max: I haven’t seen any of ’em in years. This wasn’t the best idea, Grace.

Grace: They are your family.

Max: [sighing] Yeah.

They ring the bell. Quick, run around to the back of the house!

Making plans — Jodi and Bette are discussing the dinner party. Bette has arranged for a cook and a server because she wants it to be nice and comfortable. Comfortable? Yeah, I always feel comfortable with strangers in my home.

Bette also reveals that the guest list is now up to 11. Jodi teases her about this.

Bette: Eleven people at a dinner party does not a force of nature make.

Jodi: I’ve never met anyone like you.

Bette: And I’ve never met anyone like you.

They say unprintable things with their eyes.

There’s just one problem with the dinner party: Bette has yet to hear from Kit. Bette says, “I think she thinks I’m protecting Angus.” That could be it. Or she could be on the bender to end all benders. Can we get an episode that’s all about Kit and done in classic blaxploitation style? Angela Robinson, are you listening?

Suddenly, this cozy Jodi-Bette intimacy is rocked by a silent but deadly force: Amy. You know, the one Jodi dumped because Bette has “ruined her” for everyone else. Amy’s having some trouble accepting this.

Amy: You tossed me aside like a piece of garbage.

Jodi: We talked about this.

Amy: We didn’t talk. You talked.

Bette tries to leave, but Jodi tells her to stay. And then the signing gets fast and furious; Bette tries to keep up, but she just looks confused. Those fingers can really fly. It’s an amazing thing to behold.

Amy calls Jodi a “f—ing heartless c—” and demands an explanation.

Amy: You don’t want to feel tied down. You could never commit to one person.

Jodi: I didn’t think I could. I was telling you the truth.

Amy: You f— me all night long and then you told me in the morning you were in love with someone else?

Jodi: OK, what do you want me to say?

Amy: She must be an incredible f—. Does she whisper sweet nothings in your ear? Make you feel a part of the world?

Jodi: [yelling] F— you! I f—in’ did my best!

Amy: F—in’ f—!

Jodi: Get out!

I should have mentioned that this little conflagration is taking place in the middle of an art studio. There are students all around, and they’re openly watching.

Jodi collects herself and turns around to face Bette. Bette gives her a little “I’m worried but it’s going to be OK” look that I adore. I’m glad her face is so expressive because I need a way to avert my eyes from the horror that is her shirt.

Jodi: Did you catch any of that?

Bette: It was really just too fast for me.

Jodi: [nodding and sighing]

Bette: But it seems like it went really well.

Jodi just smiles and sighs. I have to congratulate you, Bette, for not thinking about yourself this time. That was supportive and sweet and encouraging. Well done.

A living room that hasn’t been redecorated in decades — Max and Grace sit stiffly on the couch and chat with Max’s sister Maggie, who insists that she’s happy Max came to the funeral but is worried everyone else will freak out.

Maggie: You know how Dad feels.

Grace: About what?

Max: About queers.

The sight of Max and Grace on the couch is making me giggle a little. It’s like they’re two kids from opposite sides of the tracks and Max is there to meet Grace’s parents so he can take her to the prom.

Max says his dad was always using slurs of various sorts when Max was a kid.

Max: I mean, you name it, and he had a word for it.

Grace: Sounds charming.

Maggie: He’s not a bad guy. He’s just —

Max: He’s ignorant. And he’s sheltered. And he’s afraid of anything that’s different from him. I didn’t come here for him, Maggie. I came here for Mom.

Maggie doesn’t understand why Max disappeared and assumed their mom couldn’t handle his transition. She says he just assumes everyone will hate him.

Max: You’ve called me twice since I told you I was transitioning.

Maggie: How many times have you called me?

Sigh. I get what you’re saying — both of you. Sometimes it seems easier to defend yourself by disappearing. But if you disappear, how will they find you when they’re ready to reach out? Oh well: You might disappear into that awful couch any minute, Max, so it probably doesn’t really matter.

Max’s father and other sister, Sioban, arrive home. Mr. Sweeney doesn’t see Max and Grace right away; he’s too busy telling Maggie that he couldn’t afford the mahogany casket.

Max: [standing up and facing his father] I’d like to pay for the mahogany casket.

Mr. Sweeney just stares.

A house without Shay is not a home — Paige and Jared stop by to see Shane. Paige looks flat-out adorable in her hat. And the expression on her face when she sees Shane is one of pure delight. Aww.

Paige says Jared has been missing Shay and figured Shane must miss him even more. So they decided to take “an impromptu holiday” and check on Shane.

Jared: How are you?

Shane: I’m OK. [to Paige] I’m sorry for disappearing on you. I’m kind of … glad that you showed up on my doorstep.

They invite Shane to join them for breakfast. It’s a “Jared’s Choice” day, which means breakfast is ice cream. I’m trying to remember if my parents ever took an impromptu holiday with me and gave me ice cream for breakfast. I think the closest I got to that was the time my dad picked me up in the tractor because he thought that would be a good way to convince the principal to declare a snow day.

A confrontation — The Sweeneys don’t waste time when there’s family drama to be had.

Max: I came to pay my respects.

Dad: Have you lost your mind? You run off and you show up after she’s dead, like this?

Maggie: Dad. Stop.

Sioban: You’re f—ing disgusting.

Maggie: Shut up, Sioban.

Dad: You shame me. You shame your mother’s memory.

Sioban: You and your friend need to leave now, Moira.

Max: Yeah.

Sioban: Mom told me on her deathbed that she thought you should’ve been born a boy. But look at you: You’re a freak now. I’m glad she’s not alive to actually see it.

Breakfast — Shane, Paige and Jared are enjoying their ice-cream breakfast. I’m still just enjoying Paige’s hat. Shane must like it too, because she starts to make amends:

Shane: Listen, I’m sorry I never called you back, and for the way I snapped at you. I shouldn’t have done that.

Paige: [nodding] I’ve missed you. And I’ve missed our, um … [looking at Jared] our, um story time. That one story in the car … that was the best story I have ever heard.

Shane: Well, I uh … you know … I thought of some new stories. If you want me to read ’em to you.

Paige: Of course. Will you listen to some of mine too?

Shane: Yeah. Yeah, I’d love to.

Look at Paige’s dimples! She’s sweeter than that pink ice cream she’s eating.

This “stories” thing is both dorky and delightful. I give you credit for this one euphemism, ezgirl. No more. One euphemism does not an episode make.

Shane is apparently very eager to get to story time. She asks Paige to accompany her to Bette’s dinner party tomorrow night. Paige says, “Of course,” as if she’s known all along that Shane would eventually come to her senses.

I guess it won’t be a musical after all — Silly me for thinking Jenny’s “I love it!” was conclusive last week. She and Tina are meeting with yet another director. Thankfully, this one isn’t a real-life director — my head was starting to spin with all the meta-rific machinations in the last episode.

The director is Kate Arden, played by Annabella Sciorra. IMDB tells me that Sciorra was named one of the Promising New Actors of 1990. How’s that workin’ out for ya, Annabella?

Speaking of directors, this episode is directed by Karyn Kusama, who wrote and directed Girlfight. I like that movie.

Kate Arden is talking about her vision for Lez Girls. She wants the first Jessie-Karina encounter to be very intense: “The sound should just, like, fade away, so it’s only them in the world. It’s just Jessie and Karina.”

Tina and Jenny both love that idea. Tina remembers a visually intense moment in one of Kate’s films. She saw it at Sundance and it blew her away.

Tina: [to Jenny] She won the audience award.

Jenny: [cattily] I saw the film, Tina.

Hey, Jenny and Tina, could you two kind of proceed right to the fistfight you’re both longing to have? ‘Cause, well, we’re all ready for it. My money’s on the blonde.

Judging by the way they’re both looking at Kate (and the way she’s looking at them), they might have that smack down sooner than later:

Kate: It’s a struggle to try to do something that you really believe in and to stay true to your vision with all these f—ing Hollywood suits trying to pigeonhole you.

Jenny: Totally.

Kate: [looking at Tina] Present Hollywood company excluded. Although you would look really hot in a suit.

Tina: Thank you.

Look at Tina’s face. That’s sweet. Don’t look at Jenny’s face: You’ll die, if looks can kill. She’s a modern-day Gorgon!

Kate decides to lay it all on the line.

Kate: [to Jenny, after an awkward pause] I was so turned on by your story because I just thought, you know, this is me. This is, uh, people I know; people I’ve slept with. [sighing] You know, I’m not about bulls—. I really am not that interested in making people feel f—ing comfortable, you know? So, I want to make movies that say something. I would really love to direct the film.

Tina: [to Jenny] What do you think?

Jenny: I think we’ve found our director.

Oooh, look at Tina’s arched brow. No matter what we’ve found, I’d say we’ve found ourselves very close to pushing Ms. Kennard over the edge. Smack down!

Also, Kate? Er, Annabella? I think you’ve been tainted by the writer’s voice in this little scene. I can imagine one Ms. Elizabeth Ziff blithely saying she’s really “not that interested in making people feel f—ing comfortable.” Most well-mannered (or even averagely mannered) people, however, would abstain from hurling such an appalling remark at new acquaintances. So that’s strike one for you. We’ll see how it goes.

Bette’s office — Jodi is still aghast at Bette’s party-planning proclivities.

Jodi: There are 11 people on the list. You’re making a chart for seating?!

Bette: I know, I know, I know. But you know what? Seating is very important at a dinner party. It is. It’s just all a part of making it flow better. That’s all.

Jodi: It’s a small dinner party, not my debutante ball.

That’s what you think, Jodi. With Bette, pretty much everything is a ball. Often one that’s just asking to be busted.

Jodi tells Bette to relax. Bette insists that she’s relaxed; she just wants everything to be perfect for Jodi. Before Jodi can protest further, Bette pulls her onto her lap for a kiss.

Bette: [responding to a knock on the door] Not now, I’m busy!

It’s a nice idea, but I have to quibble with the execution: What’s going on with those kisses? Where’s the open-mouthed hotness we’ve enjoyed between Bette and Tina? Jodi, you have some ‘splaining to do.

A motel room — Max and Grace are settling in. Max apologizes for dragging Grace into the family stuff, but Grace says everyone needs a witness to this sort of thing. Have I mentioned that I like you, Grace? Max does too — that’s abundantly clear.

By the way, my dad (who was also fond of slurs at the time) once explained that the difference between a motel and a hotel is that you “motor up” to a motel — you can back right up to the door. So my sister promptly asked, “Oh, and you can ‘hotor up’ to a hotel?” Just an aside.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Max’s dad. He has brought a gift for Max: his mother’s charm bracelet. She wanted him to have it. Grace senses that they need a moment alone, so she steps outside.

Dad: What Sioban said today … whenever your mother and I talked about you, we’d end up fighting, and so, after a while, we just stopped talking about you. And I … I didn’t know that she felt that way. I didn’t know that —

Max: I wanna say goodbye to mom. And I’d like to stay for the funeral.

Dad: There’s a wake at the house tomorrow. You and your friend can come if you want.

Sometimes “you can come if you want” feels like everything you’ve ever wanted. Now is one of those times for Max.

The Planet — Papi wants Kit to come to the horse races tomorrow.

Papi: You’re the first person I’ve wanted to share it with.

Kit: Just don’t drop too much.

Papi: I know how to bet. I plan to make a lot of money before I’m through.

Keep trying, Papi. You can woo Kit with flowers and money and sweet talk and everything under the sun, but girl, she’s straight. Trust me: I’ve been there.

Angus interrupts to tell Kit he’s been talking to a distributor and some radio stations. He’s promoting “Bareback” because he believes in the record and he believes in her.

Angus: I just wanted to get you up and running.

Kit: I’ve been up and running since you were bare-assed streaking through a sprinkler.

Angus just walks away. He’s been there too, Papi: Kit’s a hard-headed woman.

Papi says maybe it’s time for Kit to give Angus a break.

Papi: He made a mistake, Kit.

Kit: Forgetting to set your alarm clock is a mistake. Putting sugar in a salt shaker, that’s a mistake. What he did was more than just a mistake.

Papi: Are you still in love with him?

Kit: No.

They both look away from what they know is a lie.

I love the music in the background: It’s “There’ll Be Some Changes Made” by Helen Humes. Best of luck with these changes you’re making, Kit.

Bette’s house — Tina is cooing with Angelica. How can that kid be so cute?!

Tina says goodbye to Jodi and Bette. As Tina gathers her things, Jodi and Bette talk (sign) about whether to invite her to the dinner party. Tina smiles knowingly as Bette pulls out the seating chart.

Tina: Is that a dinner party list? I remember that.

Jodi: Oh. She’s done it before?

Tina: Uh, yeah.

Bette: Uh, well, actually, we are having a dinner party tomorrow night, and we would love it if you and Henry could come.

Tina: Ah. Well, thank you. Um. Actually, I already have dinner plans.

Bette: Oh. Well, tell Henry maybe some other time —

Tina: Oh, it’s not with Henry. My date is with, uh, Kate Arden.

Jodi recognizes the name and says she loved Kate’s film, Pandora. I’m thinking this entire show could be retitled Pandora.

Bette wants to know if the date with Kate is a “date date.”

Tina: Oh, no. I wish. She’s fantastic. She’s talented and intelligent. We’re so lucky to get her. You’d love her.

Bette: [smiling through her teeth and half-chuckling]

Tina: I could bring her to the dinner party. If you’re OK with that.

Bette: [after Jodi prompts her] Uh. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that would be great.

And by “great,” I think Bette probably means “excruciating.” There’s so much self-congratulation going on in this scene, I don’t know who to clap for. Bette’s congratulating herself for extending a toxic olive branch to Tina, and Tina’s congratulating herself for being interested in a woman again. Woo-frickin’-hoo to both of you.

And Jodi’s probably congratulating herself for suffering two fools somewhat gladly. But I don’t like your pigtails, Jodi. Have you been taking fashion advice from Jenny? Next we’ll be seeing you in a doily.

Off to the races — Tasha, Alice, Kit, Catherine, Helena and Jenny are at the racetrack. As Tasha, Alice and Kit cheer for their chosen steeds, Jenny makes a quiet announcement.

Jenny: Whenever I’m in a public place like this with lots of people around, I always have this compulsion to take off all my clothes.

Catherine says, “Me, too,” and Helena expresses surprise. The rest of the world just nods in a stunned, confused, yes-that’s-Jenny sort of way.

Alice wants to know if there’s a booby prize for coming in last every time. Helena doesn’t know why Alice even cares, since she only bets paltry sums like $2.

Alice: I like winning!

Helena: We all like winning.

Tasha: Aw. You’re a winner, baby.

Kit: Yeah, look at the hottie you scored!

I love you, Tasha and Alice. Yes, I loved Alice and Dana, and I really loved Dana and Lara, but hey — time passes. And these two are awesome.

But when Alice kisses Tasha on the cheek, Tasha freaks out a little.

Tasha: We’re in a public place, Alice. PDAs aren’t cool for me. I told you that.

Alice: Sorry. Horse races make me hot.

I’m fine with PDA, Alice! But I don’t like horses. Or races. Or horse races. But PDA? Yeah! Ahem.

Papi shows up with some fries. They pass the cup around, each of them taking a fry or two — except for Catherine, who doesn’t do carbs. Yawn. By the time the cup gets to Tasha, there’s precious little left.

Tasha: Hello? One f—ing fry you leave me?

Alice: That’s what you get, OK? Don’t talk to me.

Tasha just loves Alice even more for her brattiness. And I am back to swooning over both of them.

Alice asks Kit whether she’s going to Bette’s tomorrow night. Kit says yes, she wants to meet Jodi, “so I’m gonna forgive my sister her sorry ass for protecting Angus.” Kit, please — don’t say “ass” and “Angus” in the same sentence. Eww.

Alice says Jodi looks cool; she Googled her last night.

Jenny: I wonder what it’s like to be with someone that’s deaf?

Papi: Prob’ly really intense, you know? Once one sense is gone, like, the others pump up, probably, right?

You mean you don’t know, Lothario? Is there an undiscovered country in your galaxy?

Tasha: Is Bette learning how to sign?

Kit: Oh, I’m sure she’s all over it.

Alice: But I think she really likes her. Because when she talks about her, she kind of glows.

Catherine says their race has just been announced; it’s time to place bets. They all get up and shuffle off.

Car talk — Max’s dad is showing Max the car he’s been working on. It’s something classic, but I can’t make it out. Anyway, he gets to the point of calling Max “son”:

Dad: Let’s take her for a ride, son. She goes pretty damn fast.

Before we can enjoy the sweetness of the moment, Max’s sister Maggie calls to them: It’s time to greet Father O’Shea. Could they all be more Irish?!

By the way, I think Max’s dad was talking about life, not just the car. Going fast, I mean. He’s an OK guy.

Placing their bets — Catherine and Helena place a briefcase full of cash on their horse: “$100,000 on In the Pink to win.” Meanwhile, Kit says, “I’ll have a $10 trifecta box. 2, 3, 6.” What the hell are these people talking about?

Jenny whispers about the slew of cash Helena pulled out of the briefcase. Alice says it’s a sure thing, but Papi and Tasha say there’s no such thing. Just to prove the point in a different way, a soldier calls Tasha to attention.

Soldier: Ma’am?

Tasha: Private Brown. What are you doing here?

Soldier: I was just gonna say the same thing to you. You’re the last person I expected to see at the races.

Alice: She’s never been to a race before. Hi, I’m Alice.

Tasha: I’m just here with some friends.

And some of those friends saunter by — Catherine and Helena, holding hands, ask who’s joining them in the sky box. Kit and Papi say they’d rather hang with the people. Tasha looks like she’d rather hang, period, but she just tells Private Brown they have to get back to watch their race. Private Brown says he’d better get his wife that hot dog she wants — “you know how it is with pregnant women.”

Alice: Yeah. Women. Heh.

Alice. I love you, but shut up.

After Private Brown leaves, Tasha says he’s a born-again homophobe and therefore things are dire, but Alice says it’s all fine. Can you really be this naive, Alice? I guess you’re blinded by love.

The wake — A random relative expresses her sympathies. Max’s dad introduces Max as “Max, Fiona’s cousin’s son from California.” Max just walks away.

Some other guy: And any word yet from your other daughter, Moira?

Dad: No.

Sigh. Why am I getting this urge to call my dad?

The sky box, emphasis on the box — Catherine pours some champagne for herself and Helena. She proceeds to f— Helena against the window of the sky box as In the Pink wins. Make that almost wins.

Damn. Talk about a buzzkill.

Down in the stands, Jenny — of course — managed to bet on the winner, so she has $300 to collect. Alice can’t believe it.

Alice: But you didn’t even care.

Jenny: I’m going to go get the money.

Alice: But you didn’t even care.

I think that just about sums up the difference between them. And, strange as it may be, it sums up the reasons I love them both. Call me (and them) crazy.

Out in the rabble hall, Catherine and Helena give Alice the bad news: This was her loss as well as theirs.

Catherine: In the Pink lost the race, and you lost your investment.

Hey, Catherine? F— you.

Alice gives Helena the sort of disgusted, head-shaking look the Mahna Mahna guy gets.

Making peace — Max tells his dad he’s not planning to go to the funeral. He’s realized that the day should be about his mother, not about him.

Dad: Well, I don’t know what to say. I can’t just come out and tell everyone who you are.

Max: You don’t have to, Dad. I know who I am. I’m Max Sweeney, who used to be Moira, Bon and Fiona’s daughter.

Right on. Max looks OK with it too. That is a nice kind of peace.

Prepping for the dinner party — Bette is all about hanging the lights and interpreting for Jodi and being in charge of everything. Jodi reminds her that as a deaf person, she’s just going to miss things. And then she lets Bette ramble.

Bette: I was thinking that I might do just little place cards.

Jodi: Place cards?

Bette: Yeah. Just subtle. Small. Yeah.

Jodi: [chuckling]

Bette: What?

Jodi: Oh, my God. [laughing and sighing] I love you so much. Come here. [after they kiss] What?

Bette: You just said that you love me. [looking at the to-do list] You know, there’s just so much, and there’s really no time at all.

Jodi: [crumpling up the to-do list and shoving it in her jeans] Oh no.

Bette: That’s not funny.

Jodi: Come get it.

Bette retrieves the list with her teeth. Yow.

And then she happily — in that Bette-licious way — says, “I have copies.”

The funeral — Max watches from a distance as the ceremony progresses. Am I the only one who wants Harold and Maude to show up?

The dinner party — Here we go. I’m going to try to do this like I’m a sportscaster and spare you most of the commentary. I think it’ll speak for itself.

Papi asks Kit whether she wants red or white wine. Kit opts for sparkling water. I’m pulling for you, Kit.

Alice relays the insanity of Helena and Catherine’s bet at the track. Bette thinks it’s even more insane that they’re gambling again tonight and aren’t at the party with their friends.

Tasha: Well, they obviously get off on it. I mean, what those two were doin’ up in the sky box …

Kit: Whaaaaaaat were they doin’ in that sky box?

Jenny: Kit, they were f—ing. They were.

Kit claps her hand over her mouth in mock horror. Kit, you do rock. Alice asks Shane and Paige where they were. Shane pretends to be confused and says they were reading stories.

Alice: All day?

Paige: Yeah, it was … kind of a whole box set of stories.

Bette: That’s so sweet, that you were reading stories to Paige’s son. [signing to Jodi] They were f—ing all day.

Tina and Kate arrive. Tina gives Bette a kiss that’s really much too close for comfort. Kate gives Bette an uncorked bottle of tequila. Bette smiles and says maybe they’ll get to that later. Don’t you dare uncork anything without Bette’s permission, Kate.

Jenny introduces Kate to Jodi. Kate proceeds to over-enunciate and talk very loudly to Jodi. She tells Jodi to go to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival because they interpret everything there, even the stand-up. Shut up, Kate. Bette and Tina are united in their discomfort.

The actual dinner gets even worse. They talk about what makes people gay. When you inspect your fingernails, do you spread your fingers out in front of you or curl them toward yourself? And did you want a monkey or a horse for a pet when you were a girl?

Jodi misses most of the conversation, so Paige tries to convey the horse/monkey question to her. Bette interprets, but it only annoys Jodi.

Jodi: I didn’t want either. I wanted to drive race cars.

Shane: Ah. Now that’s a bona fide dyke for you.

Kate starts to pitch Tina a movie about women who drive stock cars. She talks about a sex scene in her movie. Bette interrupts and says Tina doesn’t really like sex scenes.

Tina: I don’t?

Bette: Well, you told me that you didn’t. It made you uncomfortable? Remember?

Jenny: [to Kate] I actually like the sex scene in your film.

Just to make it even more awkward, Kate asks whether Bette and Tina used to be lovers. They play it off as something that happened a long time ago. Not to us.

Kate reveals that she Googled Tina and thought her picture was hot. Bette interrupts and makes a toast to Jodi. Everyone cheers and agrees it’s wonderful to meet Jodi.

Shane: [raising a glass] It’s about time.

Bette: I had to make sure she was going to stick.

You had to what? You had to approve her or clear her or something? Before we can parse that comment, Bette asks Kit what she’s doing — meaning why is she drinking?

Kit: Um … minding my own business. What about you?

Bette loses it and shushes everyone in her path in order to scold Papi and Kit for crossing the line.

Bette: Has she been drinking all night?

Papi: Yeah, a little. Why?

Bette: Because my sister’s a f—ing alcoholic, that’s why.

Alice: Papi doesn’t know about that.

And Papi does look stunned.

Kit says it’s not Bette’s place to tell her what to do. She swigs some wine, then tells Jodi it was nice to meet her and asks Papi to take her home.

Everyone sort of freezes. Shane, Paige, Alice and Tasha are the Mount Rushmore of awkwardness.

The aftermath — Everyone has dispersed. Bette tries to blame everything on Kit, but Jodi says Bette should not have interpreted for her. It made things hard; if she’d wanted an interpreter, she would have brought Tom. It all comes down to some very basic stuff:

Jodi: You can’t handle it.

Bette: I can’t handle what?

Jodi: That communication is different with me. That it isn’t exactly how you want it to be.

Bette: Well, no, it’s not exactly how I want it to be. I feel f—ing incompetent at every turn. But you know what? I think that I have worked very hard to learn to communicate with you. And I think that we do pretty well. I just … I didn’t want it to be hard with my friends tonight.

Jodi: Oh. I’m so sorry it was hard for you.

Bette: That’s not what I said.

Jodi: What did you say? Huh?

Bette: [turning around, breathing, turning back around] I want to be in a relationship with someone who works with me.

Jodi: Bette, you want to be in a relationship with someone who works for you.

Bette: What are you trying to say?

Jodi: I saw you tonight. You try to control everything. I mean, you wanted to — you tried to control Tina. You tried to control what she said to the director. You tried to control Kit. And you want to be my interpreter and control how I talk to everyone.

Bette: F— you. F— you. I was just trying to do what’s best for you.

Jodi: Well, how do you know what’s best for me?

Bette: You didn’t know what was going on half the time. You weren’t there. You didn’t even try to be engaged.

Jodi: Oh, really? How the f— do you know? Are you having my experience? Are you f—ing deaf?

Bette: Jesus. I had no idea you felt so f—ing persecuted. It makes me feel really sad for you. I think, though, for one minute, you should just ask yourself, “What am I experiencing? What is my f—in’ experience?”

It doesn’t get harder than that.

Here’s hoping for some healing next week. I don’t think it can get worse.

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Bette is suddenly infamous; Tasha faces her demons; Goldfrapp is in the house.

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