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“Skins” Retro Recap (3.02): “Cook”

In case you missed the announcement last week, Rophy and I are teaming up to bring you the Greatest Recaps of our Time about the Greatest Show of Our Generation! They are providing screencaps and commentary here, while at RophyDoes.com, they are handing out free LOLs to all!

And today is extra-special because today is James Cook’s birthday!

I think you can tell a lot about a person by the way s/he celebrates her/his birthday, but I’m kind of afraid to unpack that statement because I don’t know how you celebrate your birthday, and I don’t want to offend you. So let’s just say that Cook is a person who commemorates the day of his birth by giving the entire world a giant card that looks like this:

And do you know what we could do? We could write a dissertation on Cook’s character development from the future – but we probably won’t do that because you’re only here for the girls kissing, aren’t you? (Naomi voice: Don’t lie.)

So, Cook is throwing himself a party at a pub owned by that weird “uncle” people sometimes have, who teaches you to ride a motorcycle and do that really obnoxious sports fan whistle, but forgets to tell you about, like, syphilis or whatever other thing will make your pecker fall off. He gives Cook some powder for his birthday because that’s what that uncle does; that’s his whole thing.

Freddie and JJ are with Cook from the beginning because it is his birthday, after all, and they really are his only family. Katie, Panda and Effy drop by later, and Katie is wearing that look of derision she wears every single time she shows up at a party, and Panda is wearing … a shirt with flying pigs on it, I think. I don’t – is that a statement? No, you know what, let’s don’t do this. If I start talking about the clothes in this episode, I won’t be able to stop myself, and Noami’s denim number isn’t even here yet.

[Rophy says: Oh god, we weren’t able to stop ourselves. Then again, how can you expect us to? We’re as weak as Naomi when it comes to denim. (Jean shorts anyone?)]

The party is a lame-o rave, to quote Future Katie F–king Fitch – which: how awesome would that show be? It would be called HyperFitch and Katie would travel through the whole of time and space, but instead of saving the universe like the Doctor, she’d throw parties and consult on fashion. Like, when she returned to the present, you’d look at illustrated Jane Austen novels, and Charlotte Lucas would be wearing a zebra-striped corset.

Anyway, the party is a bust. Everyone is staring at everyone else in silent judgment while the prettiest one props her head on her hand and daydreams about shagging her best friend. It’s like the early seasons of The Hills is what it is like.

But don’t worry; it’s about to get good, because when Naomi woke up this morning – right before she squeezed her eyes shut and reached into her closet and decided to wear whatever horrible, horrible thing her hands could grab – her mind locked on to Emily’s location. I’m for real. Naomi is an Emily-seeking missile in these early episodes; there’s literally no other explanation for why she shows up at places where she knows Katie is going to harass her and Cook is going to drop his pants and JJ is going to do magic tricks. Emily is the reason. Emily has always been the reason.

When Naomi walks into the pub, her face is resolute and smug and terrified all at the same time. I’ve mentioned Cook and Naomi’s similarities before – and oh, they are many – and here’s where I think we start noticing one of the first things, which is how Cook and Naomi spend half their lives pushing their own propaganda.

(I’m going to talk a lot about how Naomi and Cook are alike in this recap, but I think if you want to see it, you’ve got to step outside the place where Cook is the only other person to kiss/try to seduce Naomi. Cook and Naomi’s relationship is vividly realistic, but if you’re determined to see him as Emily’s Evil Foe, you might not agree with me. And that’s cool. We’ll catch you in episode three; episode four, for sure.)

Naomi and Cook are eaten up with fear, and while Naomi’s is specific and Cook’s is general, they’re both terrified of being known. So every morning they look at themselves in the mirror and go, “Today the role of Naomi Campbell will be played by Naomi Campbell.” “The role of James Cook will be played by James Cook.”

And then they wave their arms and shout about, “Look at me! Look at this thing I am! I am saying it loudly! I am saying it repeatedly! It must be true! I’m a tosser! I’m a bitch! I don’t care what you think about me!”

It’s written all over Cook in this episode, just all over him. And it’s a hint with Naomi, full of retrospective knowledge: Stop staring at me, Emily Fitch! Stop trying to know me! This is who I am! This person, this one over here, the one you cannot destroy!

See, because you can’t destroy Propaganda Naomi. And you can’t destroy Propaganda Cook. That’s the whole point. And one thing I love about Naomi is how her entire look just gets softer and softer and softer the deeper she falls into Emily. It’s a really nice visual: the stark contrast between the hard edges of Propaganda Naomi and the warm reality of Actual Naomi. It doesn’t mean she has to stop being caustic and quippy; she is those things. It’s just, that’s not all she is.

Naomi walks into the pub and Katie goes, “Great, it’s the lesbian, come to gay us up!” Which Cook thinks is the funniest thing, and offers her a willy-waggle to cure her sapphic ailment.

To shut them up, Emily gets into a magic-off with JJ. JJ makes a goldfish appear in a glass of water and presents it to Cook. Emily pulls a cake out of thin air and presents it to Cook. JJ says, “Yes, but I can make milk come out of my ears!” And Emily goes, “And I can make anyone at this table gay for me!” And Naomi scowls, and Effy goes, “How about your sister, can you make her gay for me?”

(Oh my God, Rophy got me! Did you see what just happened?)

[Rophy says: And how did it make you feel, Heather? Hmmm? I bet it felt real good. Realllllll good. You might as well give in to their love, it makes things much easier?]

Cook eats the entire cake and washes it down with another pint, before deciding they should bounce and crash an engagement party that’s being hosted by Freddie’s sister. Cook bribes his way in with drugs for some reason, even though the party is even lamer than the one at the pub and the chick he’s trying to pull makes Brandeh Babeh look like the classiest bride in Bristol. Also, Macenzie Crook is there, and that’s never going to end well.

Macenzie Crook is the leader of the Sharks/Montagues, and his daughter is going to marry the son of the leader of the Jets/Capulets to end some kind of track suit feud, apparently. Macenzie spies Cook and gets menacing with him about not ruining the party/deflowering his daughter, and Cook chugs like six glasses of champagne before agreeing and then passing out his uncle’s drugs to everyone. And by “everyone” I mean “Panda.” She eats the whole bag.

The blushing bride-to-be tells Cook that if he can get some more drugs, he can “stick it anywhere [he] wants,” which: a) Gross. And b) Completely unsanitary. But not as gross and unsanitary as Macenzie Crook’s toast to his daughter, which is more incestuous than Michael and Maeby’s rendition of “Afternoon Delight” on Arrested Development.

Naomi points her missile toward home, and Emily goes chasing after her, and I never get over how Emily tugs up her little cardigan while shouting at Naomi to wait. It makes her seem so vulnerable (even though she is dressed like a Christmas tree).

Naomi rolls her eyes when she senses/hears Emily behind her and just goes, “What?” and keeps storming away, because here’s another Cook/Naomi similarity: They’re both so angry about love, what it does to you, how it lights you on unquenchable fire.

Emily asks Naomi where she’s going when what she really means is “Why won’t you stay here with me?” And Naomi says she’s going home when what she really means is “I’m running away from you; get used to it.” Emily makes her very first request for Naomi to be brave: “Don’t go.” And Naomi makes her very first deflection: “Why?”

And Emily demures again. She says, “I don’t know … because.” But she doesn’t finish it because she knows Naomi is still not ready; Emily is giving her a million quiet second chances and she’s pushing her away like she never even wanted the first chance.

Emily pleads with her eyes, just a little, just enough. It makes Naomi bristle even more and demand to know why Katie thinks Naomi is gay.

[Rophy says: Seriously Naomi? We’ve seen that mirror in your bedroom. Use it.]

Emily apologizes, and her face is heartbreaking. She looks away; she looks back. And I mean, didn’t you ever reframe something just so you could say it out loud, just so you could taste the words in your mouth? That’s what Emily did with Katie. She told her Naomi kissed her because she wanted to feel the truth of it out loud. And now Naomi is furious because she thinks it’s social suicide at this new college, and because the memory is causing the flames to grow hotter and more reckless now that Emily is around all the time.

Naomi turns on her heel, and with a voice full of derision says, “See you around, Emily.”

We only see the back of Naomi as she walks away, the way Emily sees her, but we know the look on her face; we’ve already seen it. Resolute. Smug. Terrified.

Back inside, Cook has taken to the stage and is singing and dancing with the hope of charming the actual pants off of Macenzie Crook’s daughter, and Macenzie senses it, so his thugs apprehend Cook and take him to the dungeon to kick the shit out of him. Cook laughs in their faces even as they’re beating him down, because (Cook/Naomi similarity number three) a whole other way to have power is to pretend not to care.

Freddie busts in and saves Cook, and there’s a full-on riot by the time Cook drags his friends out into the night and into that underground tunnel where Harry and Dudley got attacked by a Dementor in Order of the Phoenix. Cook offers to have sex with everyone individually, but no one’s really up for it, and Freddie is so disgusted with his shenanigans that he’s like, “I quit you, man.” Cook pretends not to care some more, and takes JJ to a brothel …

… and I’m totally not recapping this because it’s beneath us and beneath Skins. What you need to know is JJ pays ten quid for a kiss and Cook is halfway through a hand-job when he hears Macenzie Crook getting sex tortured in the next room over. What does he do? Oh, he sneaks in and tortures him some more, of course; steals his necklace, receives a death threat for his effort.

Finally, finally, Cook’s birthday is over, so he walks alone to Freddie’s.

This is my all-time, number one, favorite-ever set-up shot. It’s the sucker punch of set-up shots for me. Frame a person walking against a silhouetted tree in the sunrise and I am going to believe whatever happens after that. And my most beloved set-up shot like this is from Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth is walking to Mr. Bingley’s to check up on Jane.

But this is even nuttier. Listen, Jack O’Connell is from Derby, right? And you know who else is from Derby? A thousand pounds a year and he owns half of Derbyshire, in fact? Mr. Darcy! Which was disconcerting for me when I first found out about Jack’s accent, because neither Colin Firth nor Matthew Macfadyen sound like Cook, and neither does Mr. Darcy in my head when I read Pride and Prejudice.

But facts are facts, and so the things is: In my real life – my, er, real, fictional, Victorian life – I may not be able to understand Darcy the way I sometimes don’t understand Cook. How crazy is that! I thought I knew Darcy so well! I’m going to have to get my own Derby translator, I think.

Anyway, so: Jack is from Derby, and Cook is a perfect candidate for a Darcy archetype (behind Naomi, of course), but they have even more in common than that.

Observe:

Cook, you almost got Elizabeth Swan killed! Never torture a pirate in a whore house! And if there’s one lesson you need to learn from Gossip Girl, it’s that prostitutes have feelings too!

Cook throws pebbles at Freddie’s window and Freddie reluctantly meets him in the shed where he tells Cook that he’s not going to look after him anymore. But Cook says, “I f–king love you, man.” And it’s so true, and his face is so open, that Freddie knows he’s going to take care of him for his whole life. [Rophy says: Ouch, Heather Hogan. Ouch.]

And here’s my favorite Naomi/Cook similarity of all. Right now, in this moment, it seems like they care less than any two people have ever cared in the history of the world – but in the end, both of them are ready to die for the people they love.

It’s the last thing we know about them, and this is interesting: Naomi says it out loud, “I would die for you.” And Cook says it physically – by not running, for once – finally realizing that heroism is just a synonym for love. But then, Cook says it out loud, too, to Effy: “I’d do it all again. The f-cks, the f-ck-ups, everything. I’d do it all again.” And Naomi says it physically – by not running, for once – finally realizing that given every single second chance, she’d choose Emily Fitch every single time.

On his way home, Cook hears a crack ring out through the air. He falls to the ground, crouches behind some flowers, and then begins to laugh. It was a car. Just a car. “Whew,” he thinks to himself. “I thought I heard a baseball bat.”

[Rophy says: WOW. The least you could have done was click your pen before dropping that one on us.]

(Check out Rophy’s “Cook” recap! You’ll be so happy you did!)

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