“Skins” Retro Recap (3.01): “Everyone”


Remember when Skins series four ended and we had a big group hug about how life is a glorious cycle of song and we love the whole world, but then the next day we couldn’t look at one another in the eyes because of how we’d been crying all night about it being over? And you said, “Recap series three, Heather Hogan.” And I said, “I will recap series three!” Remember that? 

Well, somewhere between then and this, my world got flipped, turned upside down, because I met Rophy. If you know Rophy, you love Rophy. And if you don’t know Rophy, you will love Rophy because Rophy are Rin and Sophy and they recapped series four too; only they did it for free because they love Skins like Emily loves Naomi in episode 4.02 over Temper Trap’s “Sweet Disposition.”

They like to caress photos of Naomi, is what I am saying.

So I’m teaming up with Rophy and we’re going to bring you The Greatest Recaps of Our Time about the Greatest Show of Our Generation. I’m going to recap here at AfterEllen.com (home of all your Naomily needs) and Rophy are going to provide screencaps, graphics and occasional commentary (because you deserve a counterpoint, someone who hates JJ).

Rophy are going to recap at RophyDoes.com. Visit them, love them, don’t drink any water while you’re reading their recaps unless you want to choke to death and die. I’m for real. (And so is Giant not-Naomi. You’ll see.)

And here we go. 

(Caution! Series Four spoilers all up in this thing!)

All historical writing begins as an effort to answer questions about origins, happenings and consequences. In writing about history, you … formulate a thesis to say that things happened this way and not another and that the reason they happened this way was because of this, this and this! You allow for the possibility that if this or this, or that, did not happen, things could have turned out entirely differently

— A Short Guide to Writing About History, Richard Marius 

Freddie Mclair (you may remember him from back when he was alive) is one helluva reckless skateboarder, with no regard for traffic laws, priests, elderly ladies, children, puppies, kittens, cars, buses, trucks, motorbikes, construction crews, ice cream cones, or his own life (foreshadow!), as evidenced by the opening moments of Skins series three (Gen Two), in which Freddie’s stuntman nearly kills several people — to the tune of Son the Father’s “F-cked Up,” naturally — before sending an officer of the law careening into the back of a garbage truck.

Freddie is in a hurry, see, because James Cook just texted to say he’d sparked Freddie’s last spliff, and obviously Freddie needs to smoke up before his first day of school. Also, according to Cook, he needs some lager, which Cook has procured at 8 o’clock in the morning. And if there’s any doubt that beer is, in fact, the breakfast of champions, Jonah Jeremiah Jones has some dietary rationale straight out of Bridget Jones’s Diary that he’d like you to consider:

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