“The Real World: Washington D.C.” mini-cap: Homeward bound

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The Real World D.C. has come and gone. Like a captive suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, I am going to miss being tied to my couch with these germ-ridden handcuffs every week.

So let’s jump into this compost heap one last time, shall we?

First, Mike gets suited up to lobby Congressman James Moran on behalf of the HRC. Moran has a 100% voting record from the HRC, so I don’t know if this is really lobbying — it’s more like preaching to the choir, but it’s nice to hear a congressman south of the Mason Dixon line voice his support of gay rights.

Meanwhile Andrea tells Andrew that she wants to move to Colorado, so Andrew contemplates breaking up with her, but he realizes that no other woman would ever spend more than ten minutes with him and that if he turned down Andrea’s offer, he would probably spend his life alone with only his animal hats to keep him company he loves her, and he agrees. U-Hauls: Not just for lesbians!

There are only a few days left in the house, which has been artfully decorated with half eaten pizza crusts and ants, so Callie decides to put on an art show with Emily and Andrew. Callie and Emily delve straight into their respective creative endeavors, while Andrew drags his feet. His excuse is that painting takes longer than snapping photographs, but instead of picking up a paintbrush, he lies in a fetal position with his girlfriend Andrea all day. Eventually, he pulls an all nighter and scurries off to the gallery to plop his still-drying paintings in front of the gallery owner.

The show is a success, so the housemates go to a club and get sloppy drunk. Mike is attracted to a hockey buddy named Andrew, but he decides to remain faithful to Tanner. Instead, he and Andrew get into a mock fight outside to work off the sexual tension. They must have had it bad for each other, because Mike leaves the scene with a bloody gash on his nose.

Mike wakes up hung over and in pain. Emily puts concealer on his nose to cover the wound, and Mike trots off to meet his dad. Mike, Mike’s dad, and the housemates go to the Equality March, and Mike sees a counter-protester with a homophobic sign and wanders over to confront him. The sign says something nonsensical like “gay = cancer = 3x = bad.” When I see an absurd, unintentionally hilarious sign like that, I know that the person displaying it isn’t dealing with a full deck, but Mike the idealist tries to change the guy’s heart and mind. Initially, he yells at him, but his father tells him to tone it down, so Mike goes back and tries to reason with him. Of course, the person he is talking to is crazy, and you can only fix the crazy through therapy and psychotropic meds, but Mike gets an A for effort.

Then it is time to go, so everyone plays a game of truth or dare. They take turns making out with each other, and Callie and Ashley take off their tops. Finally, Andrew runs into the street without pants on. All of this has brought the roommates closer, because the next day, the roommates leave one by one to the sound of plaintive emo, and some of them cry.

Goodbyes have inspired many songs and memorable quotes in pop culture. Boyz II Men once sang, “It’s so ha-a-a-ard to say goodby-y-ye to yesterd-a-a-ay. A-a-a-ay,” a line still heard at high school graduations all over the country. Or, as they sang in The Sound of Music, “So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu! Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you!” But in this case, I would like to quote Eric Cartman of South Park: “Screw you guys, I’m going home!”

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