So, the rumor on The Internets is that Jennifer Aniston will guest star as yet another lesbian on her former Friends co-star Courteney Cox’s new show, Cougar Town. Now, this rumor sounds kind of just like that — a rumor. But on the off chance that it, in fact, turns out to be true, then I would like to introduce Ms. Aniston to the Lesbian Rule of Threes.
What is the Lesbian Rule of Threes, you ask? Well, it’s definitely not something I just made up. Instead it’s a theory proven by research, reconnaissance and the repeated use of the rewind button. Let me elaborate: The Lesbian Rule of Threes states that any actress who plays a lesbian or bisexual and/or kisses another woman three times on screen in three different projects is officially an Honorary Lesbian.
Need proof? Well, there’s Angelina Jolie. Her three: with Elizabeth Mitchell in Gia, with Hedy Burress in Foxfire and with Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted (yes, subtext counts). Also, it helps that she is actually bisexual.
And then there’s Lena Headey. Her three: with Piper Perabo in Imagine Me & You, with Natascha McElhone in Mrs. Dalloway and with Jennifer Ehle in Possession (bonus: also with Samantha Morton in Band of Gold).
See, it’s such an easy formula. So simple, so foolproof. We’re expecting to initiate Julianne Moore after The Kids Are Alright and Chloe come out this year (adding to The Hours and The Private Lives of Pippa Lee). We are also thisclose to nabbing Jessica Capshaw, Elizabeth Mitchell and Piper Perabo.
So now, Jennifer, I’m sure you’re all, “This is a very fine and scientific theory, but what does this have to do with me?” Well, let me tell you. You are one more lesbian role/kiss away from joining the honorary ranks. Need a refresher?
Remember back in 2001 when you were still on that show with that theme song by The Rembrandts that you could not get out of your head no matter how hard you tried? Yeah, well you had Winona come on as an old college friend and there was a story about your coconut bras knocking in the moonlight and this smoocherooni.
And then, in 2007 when Courteney had moved on to her new show called Dirt and you came on as an old friend (with benefits) who was the lesbian editor of a rival tabloid. There was yet another smooch, plus a little butt rub for good measure. Don’t think we missed that rub — that rub made all the difference.
So, there you have it. You are but one lesbianish role away from the ranks. While there is no cash prize, we do send out a hot plate to all honorees. (Toaster ovens are reserved for actual converts, obviously.) Though, since the original source material for this rumor was the UK tabloid the Daily Mail, I kind of doubt that you’ll be receiving a brand new food warming device in the mail anytime soon.
Courteney is supposedly quoted as saying: “She promised she would do it as soon as she finished promoting her new film, Bounty Hunter, and it was Jen’s idea to play a lesbian. She wanted to do something different.”
Of course, that would be the opposite of different because, well, see above where you guest starred as a lesbian on Courtney’s old show already. But, hey, it never hurts to be prepared. And, Jennifer, if sometime in the future you do see it in your heart to find that one other lesbian or bisexual role, please know that your hot plate will be waiting.