“The Real World: Washington D.C.” mini-cap: Taking care of (funny) business

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This week on The Real World, we experience the sequel to Crouching Ty, Flying Panda. Andrew gets a neck brace and Emily and Ty fight — again. Also, Mike and Callie do not get much air time in this episode, because they are too level-headed and normal, and being level-headed and normal doesn’t make good TV.

The episode begins with Andrew howling on the ground, 10 feet below the balcony over which hopelessly intoxicated Ty had just tossed him.

As his roommates assess whether he is going to live, also hopelessly intoxicated Andrew claims that he didn’t fall, even though millions of viewers beg to differ. Emily cradles Andrew’s head protectively, and as a token of gratitude, he tries to maul her face with his slobbering tongue. Emily rolls her eyes and leads him back to the living room, where he sprawls out on the floor, telling her that since he did not fall on his wiener, she should touch it.

At least we know that Andrew’s head is still operating in the same manner as it was before the fall, but based on his pre-fall mental state, I suspect that this might not be the first time he has been dropped on his head.

Andrew crawls off to bed, and Callie calls an ambulance. As Erika, Callie, Emily and Mike attend to Andrew, Ty saunters in, giggling. “Did you hit your head?” he asks Andrew. Flabbergasted, Emily yells, “You threw him off a banister! Of course he hit his head!” Ty, ever learn about the law of gravity in physics? It’s real, not like The Real World, but it’s, like, really real. If you toss someone headfirst over a balcony, he will hit his head. Erika, also appalled at Ty’s behavior, tells him to leave. Mike, ever so perceptive, is also disturbed.

Then, inexplicably, the scene turns into a reprise of the Ty and Emily show. Emily and Ty start yelling at each other, which causes Andrew’s head to pound even more. Finally, in an act of mercy for the roommates and the viewers, Ty leaves the room and the yelling ceases.

The ambulance arrives and Andrew is taken out of the house on a stretcher, but not before he warns the paramedics that he is not wearing underwear. Josh spends the night with Andrew in the hospital as he sobers up. As morning arrives, Josh wheels Andrew, who is now sporting a neck brace, out of the ER.

Andrew, as I predicted last week, announces that he intends to use his neck brace to get sympathy sex. Meanwhile, Josh laments that he forgot his sunglasses. Do lame rock star wannabes, like vampires, disintegrate upon exposure to sunlight? Sadly, this is not the case.

Later in the day, the roommates call a team meeting. “I think we should go around and make suggestions on what we think should happen in this situation, so we can come to some sort of consensus,” says Erika, which is a very tactful and professional way of appearing to take charge but in fact saying absolutely nothing and punting. If the chanteuse thing doesn’t work out, I think she will have a great shot at middle management or consulting.

The roommates voice their concern about Ty’s aggression when he drinks, and they take a hardline stance against his drinking, so he promises (at 12:50 into the episode) never to drink again.

Then Andrew’s younger brother comes to visit, and we realize that Andrew’s quirks weren’t caused by any childhood head injuries. Weirdness just runs in the family.

Over the course of the episode, the roommates, one by one, decide to relax strict regulation on Ty’s drinking, with Andrew and Josh even promising to sneak him a couple of drinks here and there, as long as he does not show visible signs of intoxication. Ashley also doesn’t mind, as long as everyone feels safe and comfortable in their home.

But not Emily. Emily finds out that Ty has started drinking again and confronts him, saying that he promised not to drink again, and if he did, he would leave the house. Ty claims that the reason why he promised not to drink was because it could lead to aggression, but if no aggression results from any further drinking, then no one is harmed and he should stay.

Emily’s theory: Breach of contract. Pack your booze and go.

Ty’s theory: Predetermined damages were unreasonable and would only penalize me; hence, they are unenforceable. I’m not leaving.

Judge Grace: FML.

The rest of the episode consists of Emily and Ty fighting, and we’ve already seen enough of it this season, so recapping it would be redundant. Keep in mind, however, that there was a lot of selective editing taking place, and the producers cut out all the times Emily wasn’t fighting with Ty and all of the times she dated women while living in the house, the aggregate of which was 99% of the time. So, for the next ten minutes, let’s give a shout out to all the pixie-haired belles who made out with Emily but were smart enough not to sign releases.

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