The Oscars kiss and tell while making history

History hit Hollywood last night as the first woman in the 82-year-history of the Academy Awards took home the best director honors. For those counting at home, that is 81 guys, 1 gals. Well. you’ve got to start somewhere.

The night’s big winner was the indie war drama The Hurt Locker, besting box office record-breaker Avatar on the way to picking up six trophies. While the results were long overdue (and in more ways than one, the show over a half hour long), there were still plenty of water-cooler (or plain old WTF) moments to make it memorable. I mean, Sandra Bullock thanked “My lover, Meryl Streep” onstage. So, you know, it couldn’t have been all bad. A look at some of the Oscar’s highlights and lowlights.

Brother site AfterElton.com’s Gay Man of the Decade Neil Patrick Harris opened the show with a surprise song-and-dance number before handing the telecast off to the night’s hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, who he called “the biggest pair since Dolly Parton.”

The night’s first big winner was Mo’Nique for best supporting actress. In a passionate and steely speech, she paid homage to Hattie McDaniel, the first black woman ever to win an Oscar. The flower in her hair was also a special tribute to McDaniel.

In a moving tribute to the late director John Hughes, several of his former Brat Pack stars appeared on stage including Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy. Though, mostly what looking at them all together did was make me feel old — really, really old.

The producers showed their creepy old man side by playing “Thank Heavens for Little Girls” as Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana came on to present. Um, ewww.

The Oscars’ biggest WTF moment came as the woman who has been dubbed “Lady Kanye” bustled in to interrupt Music by Prudence best documentary short director-producer Roger Ross Williams mid-speech. Elinor Burkett was apparently a producer on the film, but left over creative differences. Hey, Elinor, Imma let you finish. But Kanye was the rudest speech crasher of all time. You’re close, though.

The In Memoriam tribute included a nice live performance by James Taylor. What it did not include, however, was Farrah Fawcett or Bea Arthur who both passed last year. So, yeah, major In Memoriam FAIL.

Is this just me, or did the Miley Cyrus/Amanda Seyfried presenter pairing look totally Country Mouse/City Mouse?

Hey, this show is running kind of long. You know what will really speed things up? Interpretive dance! Well, at least we all got a nice, long bathroom break out of the segment.

The best documentary winners for The Cove brought props. So what happens if we text “DOLPHIN?” Do we win a dolphin? (Sadly, no, you just get news alerts about efforts to end dolphin fishing.)

Kristen Stewart needs someone following her around constantly screaming, “Stand up straight!”

Sandra won her first Oscar, besting Meryl but calling her “such a good kisser” in her acceptance speech. Part hilarious, part heartfelt, Sandra joked that she didn’t earn the award as much as “just wear you all down” and then went on to thank her late mother, Helga, who taught her “that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else.” If she wasn’t America’s sweetheart before, she better damn well be now.

And now we must say the obligatory “SHE’S THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!” about Kathryn Bigelow’s historic best director win that was both the first win ever for a woman, but also dethroned her ex-husband, James Cameron. Even Barbra Streisand was a little verklempt.

She doubled up on the royalty immediately by winning best picture for The Hurt Locker. David beat Goliath. All that and she looked drop-dead gorgeous at age 58. No wonder James wants to strangle her.

But enough about the dumb award show, how about the dresses? Many, many, many ladies look lovely; Meryl Streep, Penelope Cruz, Gabby Sidibe, Kate Winslet were just a few.

Though, let’s be honest, who looked nice isn’t nearly as fun as who looked “N’uh-uh, girl!” A few notable misses from the night of glamour. First up, Charlize Theron. She looked like she was wearing a version of Madonna’s cone bra that had been smooshed flat in her suitcase.

Then came Diane Kruger, the winner of the indecisive fashion choice award. Ruffles or straight? Ruffles or straight? I know, let’s try both, tied together by black boas.

But the night’s biggest fashion faux pas went to Vera Farmiga whose dress looked like a Georgia O’Keefe painting. Which, as we all know, is just a nice way of saying it looked like lady parts.

So, what did you all think? Did you manage to stay awake through the whole thing? Who shone? Who stunk? Who should Sandra kiss next? Discuss.

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