Since bad machine is busy throwing dung into her eyes (and celebrating her birthday today), I will be your new tour guide through the bandana-clad abyss that is Tool Academy 3.
Wake up Tool cadets! It’s time to meet with your therapist Trina Dolenz (aka Mary Poppins). The lovely Brit wants to address the Tools’ inflated egos in this episode, appropriately entitled “Modesty.”
Jordan is out and proud about his lack of modesty. Is it just me, or is that an odd thing to brag about? Speaking of odd, I just realized that Jordan is the love child of Casey Jones from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a porcupine.
The Tools report to the art room and are instructed to draw self-portraits. I’m very literal so I was expecting drawings of hammers and wrenches.
Kevin is immediately pissed off because he “draws worst than a f–king kindergartner.” Of all the injustice in the world, being pissed off at a kindergartener makes as much sense as agreeing to be on a reality show where people sincerely refer to you as a “Tool.”
Today, not only will the Tools pick up their markers, but the Tools’ partners are also going to be drawing pretty pictures. A lot of trees are dying for this exercise.
Three, two, one … markers down class! It’s time to see who colored inside the lines.
Jacob is up first. His artwork reveals that he sees myself as a “tiny person” and is very timid. Mary Poppins asks if he really feels that way or just saying that because that’s what she wants to hear. To which he answers, “Ah uh, yeah.”
Bad Tool! That was the wrong answer.
Our token lesbian Courtney is up next.
Courtney’s artwork reveals that she has a tough exterior to hide the “loathing” she has for her own body.
Even though Courtney has body issues her girlfriend Cheron says “Courtney is beautiful just the way she is.”
Awww, 10 points go to the lesbians.
Show and tell quickly turns into a cry fest. Suddenly, Tool Academy has become a commercial starring Sarah McLachlan and a puppy. Seriously, adopt a pet if you can.
Even tough guy Angelo starts to cry. He should be crying over his bizarre facial hair but instead he reveals a shocking, heartbreaking family secret.
Cut to commercial break. Damn cliffhangers!
Back to the show, Angelo’s picture reveals that he’s a “fake machine” hiding from his pain of growing up poor. He lived in a home infested with cockroaches and had to share a bed with his sister.
Although it sounds heartbreaking, is his sister hot?
Mary Poppins tells Angelo to confront his own picture so Angelo expresses his pain by destroying his drawing and part of the set. Careful Angelo, this is VH1, they don’t have money to replace their sets.
Truth be told, that drawing had it coming.
Angelo is sincerely upset and, in his sadness, he resembles Fievel Mousekewitz.
Tommy shows off his artwork and tells us that the stuff he wears is “not even real.” He adds, “Maybe, I hide behind the diamonds.” He makes many references to his “bling.”
Tommy, 1999 called and wants the word “bling” back.
Great, now Danny needs a hug. He “partially blames society for not having a job.” Danny it’s ok, a lot of people are out of work right now. Instead of saying you’re unemployed, start telling people you’re a comedian.
I’m done with the sappiness, it’s time to wipe away the tears and start fighting.
Fight # 1: Kevin vs. Angelo
After the art session, the Tools return to their IKEA-designed bedroom and Kevin confronts Angelo for “crying like a little bitch” in every therapy session. Angelo defends himself the only way he knows how, by getting really close to Kevin’s face. A little too close.
Come on, kiss. Please?
The fight is broken up and no one kisses. Boring.
Now it’s time for the Tools to report to the media room. The Tools, Toolettes, and Tool Accessories take their seats in front of a giant TV screen.
Kevin tells it like it is, “Every time you see a TV, you know it’s time to take a mental beating.”
Correct, Kevin! Give that Tool 10 points!
The curtain behind the TV is pushed aside to reveal a one-way mirror and a focus group. This group going to watch footage of the Tools and discuss how the Tools come across to strangers.
Mary Poppins says, “The exercise is suppose to expose the Tools to some honest opinions about their behavior, because accepting criticism is crucial to achieving modesty.”
Minus 10 points for Mary Poppins for being so optimistic.
After a viewing a video of Tommy being Tommy, the focus group agrees that he’s obnoxious, out of control and that Kate should leave him. Upon hearing this, Tommy does the only thing that he can do. He throws a pillow and storms out of the room. I have no problem with him leaving, but why did he have to attack that poor innocent pillow?
Fight # 2: Jacob vs. Kyle
What’s this fight about? Kyle spoke to Jacob’s girlfriend, Christie, and we all know that can’t happen on a Tool’s watch.
Jacob flexes his muscles, stares his “cold” eyes into Kyle’s and warns Kyle that he will “beat him like a dog.” Someone call PETA!
Jennavecia to the rescue, “I get real ghetto and I will cut your ass.”
I’m pretty sure Jennavecia and I were separated at birth.
But wait, there’s more!
Fight #3: Daniel vs. Lesley
As if the cameras weren’t busy enough scrambling to capture fight #2, Daniel and Lesley become camera hogs with a brawl of their own. Tool Academy must have a very expensive insurance policy.
Fists are flying, chairs are being kicked over and in comes the “emotional swat team” that is Mary Poppins. Mary flies in with her umbrella (that’s a metaphor for “she tells them all to knock it off!”)
Before the focus group session continues, Daniel has an announcement to make to the group. “No matter what I do, it’s obvious that I can’t turn a ho into a housewife.”
As a former ho, I strongly disagree. Although I do hate doing laundry.
The Tools calm down, Tommy and Lesley return to their chairs, and Tommy apologizes to Kate.
Apparently, you can teach an old Tool new tricks.
Here’s the focus group’s overview:
1.) Kevin’s an egomaniac.
2.) Jordan is dubbed the “biggest tool” for admitting he uses his girlfriend for money.
3.) Courtney gets a slap from her girlfriend and the focus group calls her a “guy with a vagina.” (Somewhere RuPaul’s ears are ringing.)
4.) Angelo is “damaged.”
5.) Jennavecia behavior is likened to “prostitution.”
6.) Jacob shows off his “exploding veins.” (He should get that checked out).
7.) Hardcore glow sticker Daniel (and his Kate Gosselin haircut) is called an immature child.
Night has fallen, and Mary Poppins has the difficult task of sending a Tool packing. Who will get the modesty badge? Will our lesbian Toolette live to see another day at Tool Academy? Is bad machine having a good birthday?
The three Tools up for expulsion are Jordan, Daniel and Jacob.
No surprise, Mary Poppins announces, “Daniel, I’m sorry but you’re just a tool.”
Tool Academy has no tolerance for domestic violence, lack of ambition or the love of a good glow stick.
Jordan has to hold back his tears and accept the lose of Daniel’s departure. A few shots of tequila and a good Tool fight should do the trick.
Daniel walks out of the Tool Academy and meets Lesley at the top of the podium.
After being expelled, Daniel decides to finish off this award-winning episode by dumping her on national television. He loves her, but is no longer “in” love with her. Oh snap! The only thing worse than dating a Tool is being dumped by a Tool. On TV. On VH1.
Lesley runs off, jumps in the gateway limo and cries into the camera, “Good luck trying to get a bitch who’s going to put up with you, Daniel!”
As the limo drives away, Daniel’s left walking home in the dark. Please tell me one of the producers called him a cab.
Daniel might not be able to turn a “ho into a housewife,” but once a Tool always a Tool.
Happy Birthday, bad machine!
