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“Skins” recap (4.04): Katie F–king Fitch and Who the F–k Are You?

Pearls! Pumps! Stockings! Suit! Business lady hair! Katie Fitch is getting dressed to meet the Queen – or a soon-to-be bride. Thanks to the Hubris Monster created by the wedding industry, it is impossible to tell the two apart anymore. She smiles sweetly at herself in the mirror, convinced that she is as grown-up on the inside as she looks on the outside.

(At the climax of this episode, Naomi calls the whole thing a “f–king pantomime,” which she doesn’t mean in the strict theatrical sense, but it’s really the theme of the episode – for Naomi and Emily, for Effy, for the Fitch family, and especially for Katie – and Katie’s wardrobe tells a whole story on its own. Watch as she goes from costume to costume: getting her grown-up dreams shattered in pearls and pumps, getting her social dreams crushed in fishnets and a black satin corset, until finally she’s just naked and searching for the way back home.)

Katie pops downstairs to tell her boyfriend she’ll meet up with him later, and they share such a significant look that any other mother in Britain would be like, “Later? What do you mean later? Are you pregnant?”

But the Fitches are too busy screeching about who forgot to put ink in the money-printing machine and crushing the actual life out of James to pick up and/or care anything about a possible grandchild. In the car Katie asks if things are OK with her mum and dad, and her mum’s like, “Of course, Katiekins!” And then she scowls out the window and plans how she’s going to bludgeon Rob to death with his HyperFitch.

You know who else are monsters, besides brides-to-be? Mothers of brides-to-be – especially ones with money. As evidence, I present to you this Beast and her daughter named Brandy:

She wants a gaggle of geese and a flock of doves and an OK! cover and the London Symphony Orchestra and an ice sculpture of Brandy’s vagina and a Hogwarts-trained owl to, like, fly the wedding rings down the aisle and lift the veil from Brady’s face and, just, whatever. I hate this woman. I hate her to infinity.

Jenna does too, but she can’t say it because of her family’s brokeassness, and also it’s her own damn fault for opening a wedding business. You start a catering service for vampires, you don’t complain when you feel fangs on your neck.

Katie’s phone alarm reminds her that she’s got to get her pregnancy test on, so she bounces. “Hen night tonight!,” she says. “Sluts and studs!” And Brandy’s mum looks on, like, “Aww, sluts.”

At the clinic, Katie finds out she’s not pregnant, but her relief turns to dismay and then heartbreak when the doctor tells her she’s going through premature menopause, which means she’ll never be able to have kids. Outside, her boyfriend celebrates (and dances) like a tosser so she dumps him with a distinctly British turn of phrase I love. Instead of saying, “I don’t want to date you anymore.” Or “I think we should break up.” She just goes, “You’re dumped.” Like, it’s not a hypothetical or some kind of future probability; it’s a fact. It just happened. You’re dumped.

He kicks a pole and breaks his toe and she steps over him and keeps walking.

At a perfectly-framed scene in the park, Katie makes her go-to phone call to Emily because all she really wants to do is fall apart, but Emily doesn’t answer. Katie calls her a bitch and hangs up and you can actually hear the cracks start to form in her heart. Losing something you thought you might want some day is one thing. Losing something you’ve never lived without is entirely another. She limps home and is pitiful, but – surprise! – Jenna doesn’t notice because – double surprise! – Rob has lost all their money and hidden the foreclosure notices under a sofa cushion.

Isn’t it amazing how Jenna tells the guy on the phone that she hasn’t seen any paperwork from the bank, but then she immediately lifts up the cushion? Like, she totally sensed that they were under there. Rob Fitch has got to be the only man on the planet who would hide his secrets in the sofa more than once.

Katie is putting on another costume to the haunting guitar and violin of “Save Me From Myself,” which is all about how life is complicated and tempestuous and she’s hard on the outside, but kind of a marshmallow on the inside. And it’s perfectly depressing because of how Emily was always the one saving Katie from herself and now Katie is having to save everyone from themselves. Downstairs her mum says she looks amazing and the whole family’s existence is riding on whether or not she can pull off the hen night.

And guess what? The theme has changed. So, Katie is all tarted up and the bridal party is wearing something inexplicable. Is it a sports theme? I don’t know. [Note: They’re Bristol Rovers Reserves jerseys! Thank you, lovely commenters, for helping me and my pitiful American ignorance!] But the maid of honor/ Brandy’s BFF (who is dating Katie’s ex-boyfriend) “forgot” to make her a matching outfit.

The Beast gets up to toast Brandy and out-grosses every parent ever in the history of television: “Brandy, I am so proud of you. You’ve grown up to be a sexy, arousing woman. What with the wedding, and now the baby, you’ve exceeded all my expectations.” She asks everyone to raise their glasses to “Brandy-licious” and she’s totally wearing some kind of tiny, gaudy, sequined tea hat, and is just … straight from hell.

Pregnant? Yep. Pissed? Yep. Katie calls Brandy out about it, in the loo, like, “So, fetal alcohol syndrome, that’s a real thing.” And Brandy is all, “Meh, whatever.” Which is kind of the worst possible attitude to take with someone who just found out she can’t have kids.

Outside the toilets, Katie runs into Freddy and Effy, and Effy’s eyes say “nice outfit,” and the maid of honor starts bossing Katie around and then she pushes her into Freddie’s lap and makes some kind of first form blow job joke, and it’s this perfect storm of everything Katie never wanted to happen. All of her insecurities and darkest fears laid bare in front of all the wrong people.

But things go from zero to awesome in about millisecond.

Katie stands up, follows the maid of honor to the dance floor, trips her, and when she gets in Katie’s face, all “Who the f–k do you think you are?” she literally clocks her and goes, “I’m Katie f–king Fitch. Who the f–k are you?” (Meg Prescott! Yowzah!)

Effy is sort of half-impressed/half-turned on so she follows Katie outside and teaches her how to smoke.

Back home, the Fitch family has to make a break for it when the foreclosure people show up to take back their possessions. Jenna says they’ve got nowhere to go, but Katie tells her there is one place they could try.

OK, you guys, deep breath. I am supposed to be keeping these mini-caps appropriately mini, but we’re only just getting to the Naomily scenes and you know I’m going to anatomize them, so if you need to take a break and have a glass of water or something, go ahead. I’ll be drunk here when you get back.

Hydrated? Rested? Ready?

So, Katie has taken her family to Naomi’s house, and for all we know the last communication they had was the fisticuffs at last year’s Love Ball.

Katie: Good morning, Naomi. You’re looking sexy – ever heard of a shower?

Naomi: What do you want?

Katie: This is difficult, OK? We’ve lost our house.

Naomi: Well, that was careless.

This is such classic Katie and Naomi. (“Watch out, Katie. I might get confused and f–k you with my great big strap-on by mistake.”) In about five minutes, Katie is going to defend Naomi to her mum, and tell her she hasn’t ever done anything wrong, and really the only thing Naomi is guilty of (as far as Katie knows) is that she usurped Katie’s place in Emily’s affections. Right, because Katie has never not had a boyfriend since she was seven. And Emily never had a boyfriend. A sister is an automatic and eternal teammate, someone who’ll take your side forever and stand between you and the rest of the world, and learning to share that comfort and promise with someone else? It’s not so easy actually.

Man, Lily Loveless’ eyes. The stories they tell. Like this:

Katie: We need a place to stay. Your house looks pretty empty at the moment.

Naomi: You’re having a f–king laugh.

Katie: Yes, Naomi. I’m kidding that my parents have no money, no house, and are about to split up.

Naomi: I’m sorry, but it’s not my problem.

Katie: Oh, but it is. Because it’s Emily’s problem. She’s your girlfriend. That makes it your problem.

Naomi’s thing has always been running. Just walking out and getting so far away from anything that makes her feel out of control – like we talked about last week. Last year she left Emily in the cafeteria, in the hallway, in her bed, on a blanket by the lake. Again and again and again she bolted, until one day she just slammed Emily up against the lockers and pressed their lips together and ripped open her heart and bled all over the place about how she simply could not handle the way Emily made her feel.

She said to Cook, last week, that she was broken and all she could do was feel it – which is the greatest sacrifice Naomi could ever make, just standing still and feeling it, feeling everything. Not running. Not hiding. Palms outstretched in front of Emily, willing to do nothing and everything to win her back, including stepping aside and letting the entire Fitch family into her house. She makes the decision in the breathe of a moment.

“No lesbian digs?” Naomi asks.

“That,” Katie says, “I can’t promise.”

Remember last year when Emily finally came clean and told everyone that she kissed Naomi, not the other way around. And later that night she thanked Naomi for keeping her secret for so long. Naomi said, “I don’t care what your sister thinks.” And Emily said, “Yeah, but I do; so thanks.”

Don’t tell me that now. Don’t tell me Naomi doesn’t care what Katie thinks because she’s serving her and her mum Garibaldi on a plate for breakfast, and it’s funny and it’s nice continuity, but its says everything about Naomi.

I mean, aside from just good English manners, she’s made them tea and now she’s serving them biscuits for breakfast. She didn’t let them go hungry. She didn’t tell them if they wanted something they should check the cabinets. She didn’t chuck a pack of biscuits at them. She took them out of the package and lined them up on a plate because that’s what adults do, it’s how they fix things.

When I was a kid, my parents told me they were getting divorced and my solution was to cut a piece of sandwich cheese into squares and arrange it on a plate with some pickle slices and serve it to them like they’d forgotten how to be civilized human beings. Like maybe you’re getting divorced because you didn’t remember that you’re grown-ups. Here, have some delicious hors d’oeuvres and let’s talk this thing through while I pour you some Kool-Aid.

That’s what Naomi reminds me of here. She just wants to fix something.

Jenna launches into a speech about how everyone lets you down eventually, and then she falls asleep, and she and Katie wake up to the sound of Emily shouting in the kitchen.

Emily: I can’t believe after all the s–t she put us through you’re just going to let her march into our home.

Naomi: She’s your mum.

Emily: She’s a selfish cow, is what she is.

Our home, she said. Ours. And her heart is still there, in that place where this really is their home, but she is a wounded animal in this episode. Inconsolable. Lashing out in every direction because she still doesn’t have a handle on what, if anything, she’s lost. She doesn’t know how deep her pain goes. Or who can fix it. Or if it can even be fixed.

Katie: Emily!

Emily: Whatever, stay here. But don’t expect me to care because I don’t.

Katie: It’s just for a couple of days while we get out ourselves out of this pickle.

Emily: Stay out of my way. This is my house. I live here with my girlfriend. And we’re having a barbecue.

Emily grabs Naomi – just, like, behind the neck with one hand and by the bicep with the other – and kisses her so ferociously and possessively, and Naomi’s body language here is just so, so sad, because she’s embarrassed for them both, and she also feels kind of used, and then there’s the thing about how Emily always meant something deep and abiding when she kissed Naomi, even from the very beginning, and now it’s just this sham. Naomi kind of half wipes her mouth and refuses to meet Katie’s eyes.

Outside, Emily is off her nut, asking everyone for more pills and more alcohol. Katie’s like, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough.” And Emily’s like, “Don’t think; makes life much easier,” which is like the antithesis of who Emily is when she’s not caged like this. She asks Naomi for some of her “special powder,” laments the fact that Cook can’t be there to supply her with more, and then stumbles away.

“Another fun day at Mrs. and Mrs. Campbell’s,” Naomi says. But I kind of think if they’re going to settle for one last name, they should go with Fitch. As Jenna and Rob have proven, it’s much easier to craft into a product name or slogan.

Emily turns up the music and starts dancing and then suddenly she’s kissing some girl. Katie is out of her chair in a second, all, “What the f–k are you doing?!”

And oh, it’s horrible. The light just goes right out of Naomi’s eyes.

Emily’s motives are eleven levels of confusion: one) She’s punishing Naomi emotionally, trying to make her understand what it feels like to think of someone else’s lips on hers. two) She’s trying to make Naomi look like the fool publicly that Emily feels like privately. (When someone cheats on you, half the reason you can’t go back to them is because of how you think everyone else is judging you. When, in actuality, the only two people who know what’s going on inside a relationship are the two people inside the relationship. It never makes sense to outsiders, no matter what.) three) She’s trying to push Naomi so hard that it won’t rip her in half if she really does have to walk away.

Then, just full of rage and pain, she tackles Naomi in the pool and asks if she’s making her nice and wet. Naomi is way less upset about the pool than the kissing, so she’s like “f–k you!” and Emily chases her out of the pool and pushes her again “f–k you right back!”

I like how Katie is so unnerved and protective about Naomi and Emily’s relationship, how in-tune she is to the things happening around her. When Effy takes pills and makes out with Freddie, she just kind of watches. It means something, that Effy needs that to be with him, but Katie doesn’t care. But when Emily kisses some random girl, she bolts out of her chair. This is a real thing, Emily and Naomi. Emily is f–king up a real thing. She actually gets between them and tells Emily to stop it.

Naomi asks if Emily wants to f–k the random, and Emily says, “Maybe I do, so what?” Which is the biggest lie she’s ever told.

Jenna, of course, picks this moment to wake up and try to put a stop to things. Emily tells her to mind her own business, but her eyes are just pleading with Naomi to do something to fix the way she feels, so Naomi confesses. She f–ked Sophia and sold her the drugs and now Emily is punishing her. Emily lashes out at her family some more and they all storm away, but not before Katie smacks her in the face. Katie f–king Fitch, man. She’s got a mean right hook.

Naomi says, “Em?” And her eyes say “Please forgive me.” And Emily’s eyes say “I don’t know how.” And, for first time in their relationship, Emily is the one who runs away.

Inside, after Katie’s bath/makeout session with Thomas, she’s wandering around Naomi’s and she sees this chalkboard where Emily and Naomi quoted Friends about one another one time when they were in desperate, innocent love. And maybe it’s the first time Katie really does get it. Maybe it’s the first time she understands. Maybe she was jealous because of how she was losing Emily’s attention. But maybe she was also jealous because in 11 years of trying, she’d never found something as real as what Emily had with Naomi.

She goes to Emily, to hold her hand, to wrap herself around her, just to let her bleed. They’ll always stand between each other and the world. That’s what sisters do.

Later, the Fitches return home for one last meal of pizza on the kitchen floor. It’s bittersweet, and it’s wonderful. Katie finally tells her mum that she can’t have kids and Jenna realizes how selfish she’s been.

Families are wretched. And they’re perfect. They’re full of f–k ups. And they’re full of forgiveness. And no matter what, the most important thing to remember is that being a Fitch is better every day of the week than being related to the Beast and Brandy-licious.

Check out our Skins poll in this week’s Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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