Who says the gays don’t like football? In America, the biggest sports event of the year is upon us. That’s right — it’s Super Bowl weekend. While men in tight pants hitting each other has its own appeal (especially for our brothers over at AfterElton.com), we think the game could benefit from, well, lesbians. So, without further ado, we bring you the inaugural AfterEllen.com Lesbo Bowl.
What’s a Lesbo Bowl, you ask? Well, it’s only the most lesbian (and bisexual, inclusiveness rocks) football game of all time. We pit our favorite TV lesbians against each other for a hard-nosed gridiron smackdown. Two teams enter, one team leaves the champion of the lesbians. So without further ado I (with major assists from Heather Hogan on graphics and TheLinster on snark) bring you the Lesbo Bowl. Now the only question remains: Are you ready for some football?
Bette Porter (Captain), Tina Kennard, Shane McCutcheon, Angela Montenegro, Xena, Gabrielle, Lover Cindi, Kennedy, Ellen Morgan, Tasha Williams, Alice Pieszecki
Callie Torres (Captain), Arizona Robbins, Thirteen, Willow Rosenberg, Tara Maclay, Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera Aitoro, Spencer Carlin, Ashley Davies, Dawn Denbo, Jenny Schecter
Quarterback Bette takes the first snap from center Tina (who else’s hands would you expect between Tina’s legs?), then completes an expert spiral to Lover Cindi. Ellen starts dancing on the line of scrimmage, leaving a clear path for Denbo to hit Bette well after the play is dead. F–k no, Denbo! Personal foul.
The AlphaBettes are moving the ball well. It’s first and goal when, oh no, what’s this? Armchair quarterback Ilene Chaiken has started calling plays from the sidelines. She has Xena run an end-around and then — wait, what’s that pool doing in the end zone? And we’ve lost our Warrior Princess. Gabrielle builds a funeral pyre on the field, drawing a delay of game penalty.
The AphaBettes line up again, it’s third and goal when Callie calls a Mercy West, magically making the offensive line disappear into the parking lot of no return. Arizona, careful to stay away from all parking lots, sacks the quarterback. Bette fumbles and Tara recovers, running it 50 yards into the end zone and — for good measure — stiff-arming Kennedy on the way to a touchdown screaming “Who’s under your spell now?” 7-0, V-J-Js.
Bette, screaming at her teammates about being babies and needing sippy cups, calls a screen pass. Alice distracts the defensive line by showing them her “fun gay” face, quickly followed by her “angry gay” face while Bette connects with Tasha. Look, people, Tasha has been in Iraq; making it to the goal line is nothing compared to that. The game is tied, 7-7.
HALFTIME: Tegan and Sara, Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, Brandi Carlile and — heck, why not — Lady Gaga come out to play a mega lezzie jam session that knocks everyone’s Birkenstocks off.
The V-J-Js are now on offense. Quarterback Callie pump fakes to Arizona, who gets really pissed and storms off to the break room, and then throws to Spencer. Ashley provides lead blocking for Spencer, but gets called for a horse collar after grabbing Angela by the scruff of the neck in a patented move she has dubbed “The Mama Carlin.”
The defense draws up its own secret play, “The McCutcheon.” Shane saunters up to tight end Angela (who has switched teams with Thirteen — hey, it happens) and asks her if those sweet little figs are in season. Distracted, she lets Tina put a hit on Olivia, who was carrying the ball. Natalia helps her up, but for some reason Olivia keeps saying her name is now Gina. The V-J-Js’ trainer, Jillian Michaels, checks her for a concussion on the sidelines.
The V-J-Js have the ball. Callie calls a play-action pass to Arizona. Willow and Tara conjure up a protection spell, clearing a path to the end zone. Callie and Arizona kiss passionately for 2 seconds, then Arizona finds a red mark on Callie and she has to be taken to isolation with a full-blown case of chicken pox. Helen Stewart, who arrived with Nikki Wade in soccer clothes (language barrier), steps on the field and says she’ll suit up to play backup quarterback. The entire team V-J-Js team passes out at the way Helen rolls her tongue while saying suit. 14-7, V-J-Js.
The AphaBettes huddle one last time. They call the special trick play, the “snake in the grass.” Lover Cindi runs to the sideline, then seems to come back in bounds but hangs by the edge of the field. Bette snaps the ball and throws it to the unnoticed, wide-open receiver on the sideline. Cindi makes an obscene gesture at Shane mid-catch. Overcome with jealousy, Dawn Denbo breaks through the line of scrimmage to pile drive Shane, leaving Cindi wide open for the touchdown! 14-13!
Instead of going for the extra point, the AlphaBettes opt for a two-point conversion. Bette drops back for the pass. She checks all her receivers. Gabrielle is busy holding Xena’s ashes. Lover Cindi and Shane are doing naughty things on a sectional sofa. Kennedy and Tara are arguing about who gets to hold the extra flamey candle now.
In desperation, she sees Thirteen alone in the corner of the end zone and throws it up. Then, out of nowhere jumps Jenny. Thirteen and Jenny battle for the ball and then — wait, hey, where is everyone going? Why are they heading to the police station? Who caught the ball? You’re not going to tell us who caught the ball?