“The Real World: Washington D.C” mini-cap: Fish tank

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I’m just going to throw it out there: Am I just getting old, or is the cast of The Real World especially emotionally stunted this season? Watching this past episode was like watching several small children attempt to converse with brick walls. On a completely unrelated note, we find Nemo (and Dory!) in the Real World fish tank.

The show begins with Ty and Emily reverting back to their old games. They compete, snipe at each other, and repeatedly tell the camera that they don’t have feelings for each other. See, their “unique” situation is just “for fun.”

The cast is at a rock climbing wall, and both Ty and Emily try to see if they can outclimb one another. Emily wins, teases him, and Ty gets surly.

Watching the Emily and Ty show can be awkward, so now for something completely different! We find Nemo! He is trapped in the Real World fish tank. Poor Nemo. Someone grab a jar and a net and save him from this misery.

Meanwhile, Josh is on the phone with his dearly beloved Ashley, whom he left in Philly. We learn that Ashley took him in during his darkest hour and gradually fixed him up and made him whole again.

Back to the Ty and Emily farce. They are in the confessional together insulting one another. Apparently, they don’t like kissing, because they are both “dominant kissers.” Then they poke each other, but no one ends up being the dominant poker. According to Ty, their “friendship” is based on “competitiveness” and “sexual attraction.” Sounds tiring. It’s certainly tiring to watch.

Now Josh is on the phone with a secret agent who allegedly spotted Ashley canoodling with a guy named Richie. He calls Ashley up, who denies it. They fight. Josh is shaken and deals with it by getting his nose pierced.

Later on, Ty gives his unsolicited opinion about the difference between the sexes. Women want commitment, whereas men do not, because “women are dependent beings.” This comment causes the girl to scatter like hikers after seeing a skunk on the trail. Emily smells the skunk and walks off as well. Then a few minutes later, Emily decides that skunk doesn’t smell so bad and walks back to Ty.

As a result, Andrew starts to playa hate. Andrew finds it frustrating that Ty gets to say offensive things, and Emily just traipses on back to him.

Josh’s girlfriend Ashley arrives at the house to visit him. They act cute. But based on last week’s previews, we all know things will not continue to be hunky dory.

Cut to a scene of Dory, the blue fish from Finding Nemo (the fish voiced by the inimitable Ellen DeGeneres). What is she doing in the Real World house? Save her too!

Callie, Ashley and Erika discuss the phenomenon known as drunk dialing. Callie admits to being a drunk dialer. She likes to call her jerky ex when she is drunk. Emily does not approve. “Chasing a boy is never something a girl should do. We’re supposed to be independent and we don’t need someone there for us,” says Emily, who can’t seem to separate herself from Ty, despite statements to the contrary.

Next, Erika gets to sing a song she wrote with The Cab. Dream come true! Woo hoo!

Back to Callie. She meets guys in clubs. They all have girlfriends. “Everybody is a douchebag!” she exclaims, so then, in a moment of weakness, Callie drunk dials her douchebag ex. Emily tries to convince her to hang up but expresses it in an exceedingly judgmental way. Apparently, one should never depend on anyone else or be vulnerable because that is subhuman. Then the rest of the roommates, [sarcasm] who are all emotionally secure [/sarcasm], get on Callie’s case for the cardinal sin of calling her ex while drunk. Emily is especially vocal.

Callie decides to take the high road and asks Emily to come outside. She tells Emily that she does not appreciate being judged and that she has not judged the Emily and Ty situation, because that is their business. At the mere mention of Ty, Emily becomes defensive and starts denying any wrongdoing even though no one has accused her of any wrongdoing. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Later, Josh brings home a girl from a club and makes out with her at the house. Says Emily, “Josh is stupid.” Says Erika, “Josh is a scumbag.” She continues, “I’m sure she has no idea.” But now she does. Surprise, you’re on candid camera!

Then he calls Ashley and tells her he was good and “you’d be proud of me.” Does he realize that every moment on the show is taped? Do any of these people remember that everything is on record? Bueller?

And then we’re at the club again. Ty and Emily dance with each other, and Ty says to Emily, “You’re unbelievable. I’m in love with you.” Emily scoots off, and after returning home, she hides under the covers.

Ashley calls Josh asks about the girl who made out with him. Josh pretends not to know what she is talking about, but, surprise!, The picture is online. He doesn’t know what to say, so he hangs up.

Later, Emily decides to stop sleeping with Ty, saying that he is clearly getting feelings for her, except she is the one freaking out. Finally Ty says, “I don’t want to like someone who doesn’t like me.” Ty says he wants to grow with a person and it’s clear to him that Emily isn’t up to the task. The show ends with enough tension to rival the Middle East conflict.

In closing, Callie and Mike win the award for least emotionally stunted cast members, which isn’t difficult, but they should be commended anyway.

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