“The Real World: D.C.” mini-cap: Gays and confused

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On this week’s Real World Andrew tries to get laid and fails, Mike and Ashley fight, and the boys discover how it feels to be a girl.

The bulk of this show discusses Andrew’s difficulty in getting women to sleep with him. It doesn’t help that he attempts to go from “hi” to tongue-down-the-throat within ten seconds. (Says Emily, “Sometimes I think Andrew is a virgin, because you just don’t jump on [a girl] and do it.”)

It doesn’t help that he peppers his speech with Beavis-like laughter. Oh, and this look doesn’t help either.

Maybe he could increase his odds of getting laid if he showed women examples of his “edgy” humor, like this cartoon he drew for his school paper, The Rocky Mountain Collegian:

Cartoon woman: “Wrong hole, you idiot.”
Cartoon Andrew: “See, this is why I didn’t ask, cause I know you’de [sic] freak out!”

Not.

The housemates find Andrew so hapless in this arena that they stage an intervention and attempt to teach him the proper ways of wooing women — like buying appetizer at dinner and taking off a bra with one hand. Huh? (Needless to say, these tips don’t work.)

Andrew, armed with these tidbits of wisdom, goes to a club all alone, picks up and takes home a cute girl named Alli. “She has a high pitched voice that I like, and she says ditzy things. These are the qualities that I look for in a girl,” says Andrew, who clearly has his priorities in order.

They hang out for a few days. Unfortunately for Andrew, she just wants to spoon. Andrew is only concerned about his “boner” and confesses to Emily that during the course of the night he “kept poking her with it” as they are spooning. “Ew” responds Emily — and pretty much all of the viewers. After a few days of hanging out with Andrew, Alli “breaks up” with him via e-mail. Surprise, surprise.

The cast finds Andrew face down on his bed. Says Callie, “I don’t think Andrew is too upset that Allison is gone. I think Andrew is more bummed that there went one more potential girl that he could have possibly had sex with.”

Sad panda.

Meanwhile, Ashley and Mike’s friendship starts to unravel. At the beginning of the episode, they bond by attending church together. Then at a cast dinner, someone at another table starts heckling the cast. Ashley tells them to suck it, whereas Mike, the eternal peacemaker, tries to make friends with them and invites one of them to chat with them at their table. Ashley thinks Mike has disrespected her and gives him a mouthful.

Soon thereafter, Ashley accuses Mike of being confused about his sexuality, Mike calls Ashley an immature bitch, and the roommates intervene. They all conclude that Mike and Ashley are very different. Mike is from the Midwest and says “hi” to his neighbors. Ashley is from the city and thinks that saying “hi” to one’s neighbors is a foreign concept. Hence, they should just agree to disagree. (From my vantage point, it looks like Ashley is a diva, and Mike is just bewildered.) Ashley admits to the camera that she doesn’t have a family, so it’s hard to let others in. By the end of the episode Mike and Ashley bury the hatchet.

Probably the best and only interesting part of the episode is when Ty, Andrew and Josh accidentally go to a gay sports bar. Some guys check them out, and a beefy guy starts giving them a lot of attention. Ty, Andrew and Josh sit at their barstools awkwardly, unsure how to respond. The beefy guy kisses Andrew on the neck, and Andrew giggles uncomfortably. The boys leave soon thereafter.

As they walk back to the house, the boys have a breakthrough: The way they felt at the gay bar when they were leered at and groped is how girls feel when they are leered at and groped by guys. Walk a mile in another’s shoes and all that.

They enter the house and spot Emily, and they all rush to hug her, apologizing on behalf of all men for making women feel icky.

See, sometimes people do grow on this show. Well, for a minute at least. Andrew will probably continue to make women feel icky, and, according to the previews, Josh will prove himself to be a “scumbag.” I suppose, though, a brief moment of enlightenment is better than none at all.

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