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“Bad Girls Club” visits GirlBar

The “put eight strangers in a house like lab rats in a cage” formula in the American reality show genre originated with The Real World: New York in 1992 and has since directly or indirectly spawned a variety of reality shows using the same or similar formula.

As the years go by, and the shows become more numerous and varied, there seems to be a race to see which house of eight strangers can contain the most sociopathic, amoral or just plain bizarre specimens of hominids without turning off the public by crossing the line from edgy sideshow entertainment to just plain revolting (or prompting the FCC to step in and slap networks with fines resulting from wardrobe malfunctions).

As the progeny of The Real World, these shows contain the same basic genetic material, although a few of the descendants further down on the family tree may have consumed a bit of lead paint along the way. They are the distant cousins who live in a ramshackle house in the woods with a rusted 1953 Dodge propped up by cinderblocks on the front lawn. They are the relatives you say you dread seeing during family reunions, but secretly you hope that they show up, ignore all sense of decorum, and curse out the priggish aunt in front of an entire room.

In polite company, you show disdain for their existence and consider them an embarrassment, yet deep down inside, you understand that they are still family, and the kid in you is a bit jealous that they get to shun social conventions and do whatever the hell they want.

In short, we are drawn to the mutant three-eyed progeny of The Real World for the following two, somewhat conflicting, reasons: (1) We get to gawk at and feel superior to the cast members of these shows, yet (2) we are a bit envious that the cast members get to indulge in their unfettered Freudian id without having to deal with those annoying civilizing forces like the ego and the super ego. Television ratings reflect this inconvenient truth.

Eighteen years after The Real World first made its mark on television, one such descendant is Bad Girls Club on Oxygen, now in its fourth season. It is, in fact, a direct descendant of The Real World, because Bunim/Murray Productions produces both of them.

Bad Girls Club follows eight “bad girls” with personal, psychological or behavioral problem as they live in a house for a few months and cause general mayhem. They ostensibly work on reaching personal goals and bettering themselves, but the show is, at its heart, eight crazy behatchis being followed around by an intrepid camera crew, whose team members are most likely wearing body armor and have mostly likely signed draconian waiver and release of liability forms.

Currently, the show holds the distinction of being one of two reality shows featuring a bisexual cast members on U.S. television. The other one is The Real World: D.C. Some of you have wondered why The Real World: D.C. was the initial winner of the AfterEllen recap lottery. You are about see why.

Meet Flo. She is openly bi, and as you will see later on, she missed her calling to train as a world class discus thrower.

In the clips of the previous episode, we discover that Flo had shoved one of the housemates (but not so violently as to be removed from the house) and that another housemate, Amber, was uncomfortable with Flo’s sexuality. Another cast mate concluded that Flo did not get any play from boys, so she decided to go after girls.

And it just gets better!

In last night’s episode, Flo takes the rest of the house to the weekly Friday night lesbian party GirlBar in Los Angeles, and as they are in a salon getting Brazilian waxes and their nails done, they discuss the upcoming big night out. The conversation unfolds below.

Natalie exclaims, “It’s box eating time!”

Flo predicts that Amber will attract a lot of attention from the ladies, because “she looks like one of those gay baseball player girls.” (Flo, honey, the sport is called “softball.”)

Amber reacts as if an army of fire ants has suddenly appeared in the pedicure basin and is about to crawl up her pants. “I don’t look like a gay baseball player girl!” she objects.

“A man is not going to get mad if a girl eats your box,” counters Flo.

“A lady is not going to eat my box!” insists Amber.

Natalie butts in: “I would let a lady eat my box but I would not eat a lady’s box.”

Flo: Underestimates an average man’s reaction if he walks in on his girlfriend having sex with another woman; anger is a plausible if not the most probable emotion.

Amber: Definitely looks like “one of those gay baseball player girls.”

Natalie: Selfish.

Later on, Amber confesses to Kate that the conversation in the salon was “torturous.” She continues, “They were talking about picking up girls at a lesbian bar.” Well what do you think people pick up at a lesbian bar? Snow globes?

Amber then enlightens us with her theory of bisexuality: “You like men and women because you can’t get either so you pick all. And then you get nothing. To be that confused must suck internally.” Why isn’t this show on PBS? I’ve learned so much already!

(Cut to an interlude of one of the housemates running around naked with an inflatable pig, which came complete with an orifice intended to be used for sexual gratification.)

Back to the Flo and Amber show. Flo tells Kate that she wants to talk to Amber to assess her level of discomfort. Kate tells Flo that Amber thinks she is “confused.”

All right kids. Listen carefully now. Flo actually says something of use, and it’s coming up in 3… 2… 1…

“I like men and women. I’m not confused.”

All right. Bisexuality properly defined. Moment of clarity over. Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Flo talks directly to Amber and informs her that bisexuals are people who are attracted to both men and women. Yet, Amber still does not understand bisexuality.

In this house of lab rats, Amber is the one who keeps running on the hamster wheel, hoping to get off at the next stop.

The housemates attend a photoshoot in which a former cast member, Portia, takes part. Portia was ejected from the house for attacking Natalie in an earlier episode. Flo and Portia chat briefly outside of the building. Says Flo to Portia, “I promised when I come here, I’m not going to hit nobody.”

Remember that statement, folks! We’ll see if Flo can keep that promise.

At the end of the photoshoot Kendra showers the event with overwhelmingly positive reviews. “Natalie didn’t kill Portia. No weaves were ripped out. That is definitely a success,” she says. Brava! Brava!

Later on, Amber calls her boyfriend and tells him that she is about to go to a terrifying type of venue called a “lesbian bar,” a place whose drinks are tainted with rabies and the bubonic plague. She probably won’t make it. This might be the last time he hears her voice. But wait. The bell is tolling. It’s time. It’s time to go. She must go.

The housemates pull up to GirlBar, and all of the cast members start dancing, except Amber, who must have gotten the special rabies drink because she starts to become disoriented and foam at the mouth. Amber tells Annie that she wants to say something rude. Annie tells her not to. Amber continues, “This place is very uncomfortable for me. Basically I’m sucking it up right now.” Amber, the official broken record of the episode.

Meanwhile, Flo meets a tall blonde woman, and they start flirting subtly. “I’d like to f–k the s–t out of you right now” says the blonde to Flo. They proceed to make out. Amber witnesses this and looks nauseated.

Amber asks Flo questions about her sexuality, ostensibly to learn and become more understanding, but the questions are really backhanded comments in disguise. For example, she asks Flo whether her mom would be embarrassed to find out that she is bisexual. Flo’s patience with Amber has nearly run out but she continues her attempt to break through Amber’s thick skull without actually breaking her thick skull.

After going to a chicken wing and beer joint, the entire cast piles into a limo and start making out with one other. Kendra makes out with everyone in the limo, including Amber. Flo sees this and says about Amber, “Make up your mind, bitch.”

Back at home, Amber and Annie are sitting by the pool. Annie is wearing a shirt that reads “Legalize gay.” OK, a little off, but we get the message, and we thank her. (Pink dollar moment: You can buy the same shirt at American Apparel.) When Amber asks her about her shirt, Annie replies, “I’m very strong about it.” Again, sort of off, but we get it and thank you anyway.

Amber, like a Tourette’s sufferer, blurts out yet again that she cannot understand the concept of bisexuality. “You either lick the cooter or you stick the cooter,” she says. Amber, is that hamster wheel tiring you out yet?

Or: A conjunction used to connect words representing alternatives

And:A conjunction used to connect words; “as well as,” “in addition to”

Cooter:Something one must either “lick” or “stick.” It is inappropriate to “lick” and “stick” the cooter, because such actions indicate that one is “confused” and “suck[s] internally.”

Box:See “cooter”

Flo overhears Amber and is finally over it. Lots of unintelligible yelling peppered with expletives ensues.

Amber shoves Flo into the pool.

While Flo sputters in the pool, Amber continues to yell at Flo about her bisexuality. To add injury to insult, Flo discovers that the fall has broken her ankle.

Finally, Amber stops screaming about licking and sticking cooters and the resulting confusion it causes and retreats to a lawn chair, where she basks in the glory of her perceived victory. Meanwhile, Flo has ceased being Flo. Like Dr. Bruce Banner transforming into The Incredible Hulk, Flo morphs from loudmouthed but otherwise normal Flo to super strength attack machine Flo-Ra, Princess of Power.

Flo-Ra limps over to Amber and pulls her off the lawn chair by her hair. She then musters up the strength and balance, broken ankle and all, to pick Amber up and toss her a few feet across the pool deck, making her eat a mouthful of concrete.

Two observations:

1.)It is perplexing why Amber did not attempt to escape when she saw Flo approaching her. Amber had at least a ten second head start due to Flo’s injury slowing her approach. Amber knows that people on this show do not “talk things out.” They break each other’s faces. When someone you have just injured starts coming after you on this show, a wise response would be to flee. Amber, as we all know, is not wise, but this scene proves just how dense she truly is.

2.)This scene is a prime example of the reason why we watch these shows. First, we gawk at this type of behavior and pat ourselves on the back that we do not engage in such beastly behavior. We assure ourselves that we better than these people. However, a small part of us felt a twinge of satisfaction when that irritating homophobe hit the concrete. A teeny tiny beastly part of us, one that we hide from civilized society but it exists nonetheless. After all “talking things out” can be such a drag.

The episode ends up with Flo returning from the hospital in a cast, and Amber decides that Flo should be removed from the house for her safety. Eventually, however, Flo is allowed to stay when she puts on an “Oscar-worthy” (her words, not mine) performance and begs Amber to let her stay.

Cut to the final scene. Flo smiles at the camera and says, “I’m a better actor than Johnny Depp.” Amber, watch your back.

And there you have it. Bisexual representation on reality television, The Real World: D.C. and The Bad Girls Club. If you were locked in a room and could not gain your freedom unless you watched the entire season of one of the above shows, which one would you choose? And is it time for a letter writing campaign to Bunim/Murray Productions?

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