“The Real World: Washington D.C.” mini-cap: In-house issues

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This week on The Real World, we learn two things:

1) Never date yourself.
2) Never call a girl fat.

The cast members don’t have television so they must rely on each other to fulfill their voyeuristic desires. First, Andrew, Erika and Ashley slink up to Emily and Ty and attempt to ascertain whether they had sex. The two act coy, but it is plainly evident that they did the lambada under the sheets — before Emily cut out of the room because she doesn’t cuddle after sex.

Emily and Ty are pretty much twins separated at birth except with slightly different levels of melanin. Macho and prideful, they spar in their everyday personal exchanges as they do in the gym. They are always trying to one up and upstage each other, and the roommates dub them the “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” of the house, except admittedly, watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make attempts at each others lives was much more entertaining. This is like watching your annoying cousins bicker at a family reunion that you cannot escape.

Even watching the squabbling Sammi and Ronnie on Jersey Shore is more pleasant, since they occasionally relax and stop sniping at each other like normal albeit overly gelled and tanned human beings. Watching Emily and Ty is just tiring and awkward. It’s plainly obvious that both Emily and Ty are afraid of becoming vulnerable, so they strut around like peacocks and pretend to be immune to the special traits that separate humans from other animals — like compassion and emotions. Ty does show his vulnerable side a bit, which Emily promptly crushes with the heel of her boot, and immediately, they’re back to using each other as target practice.

Fortunately, the show then switches gears and, to give viewers a much needed respite from the Itchy and Scratchy Show, covers the topic of body image.

To segue into this topic, cut to Andrew telling Josh how to peep at girls in the shower. Apparently, you can see through the frosted glass but girls don’t think you can. (Pausing here so all of you can scribble this down or enter this as a memo in your smart phone. Pervs.) They both check Callie out in the shower thought the frosted glass and agree that Callie has a nice body, but they agree not to tell this to Callie, because apparently, girls don’t like it when you tell them that they are hot. Huh?

Then back to the Itchy and Scratchy show. The cast goes to a club and Ty and Emily continue to nettle one another. Emily flirts with another black guy, which has its intended effect; Ty vociferously confronts Emily about all the other black guys at the bar as they return to the house.

They have a verbal altercation in the dialect of English that is only spoken by people who have had a few too many cocktails. I attempted to transcribe what was said, but even Babelfish and Rosetta Stone couldn’t decipher the exchange. The only thing that was remotely understandable was Emily telling Ty, “Suck your own d—k and go to bed!”

Then Emily starts hitting Ty, as everyone watches, because they don’t have television and cannot watch WWE wrestling. The sparring gets more intense, and eventually, Emily spits in Ty’s face. Then Ty pushes Emily against the wall and screams “Look at me bitch!” Someone peels Ty off of Emily, and then Ty starts throwing random objects around the room.

Ty and Emily then crawl into bed and have a heart to heart, but then Emily leaves and crawls into bed with Ashley. OK, nothing happens. Pervs.

The next day, the crew is lounging around in the kitchen when Ty tells Callie that she is too fat for Playboy. All right, we all know that everyone is too fat for Playboy, and that is why the mag relies heavily on airbrushing for perpetuating the idea that the ideal woman looks like an alien with gaunt cheekbones and oversized cat eyes, melons for breasts, no internal organs in her abdomen, a booty pumped up with a bicycle pump, and chicken legs, but Ty must have missed the memo. Everyone from the age of 10 or 11 knows not to comment on a girl’s weight. But Ty, bless the brick that is his brain, went there, and s—t hit the fan.

The girls give him the look of death and convene in the back of the house, where they discuss how the beauty standard perpetuated by the media harms women’s self esteem. Emily, who has a knockout body, admits that she feels like she has to tone up, because society tells women that getting into a hot tub with jiggly thighs is a cardinal sin.

“Us girls. This is sad,” says Ashley. Indeed.

Ty then crashes the party of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and the sisterhood gives Ty a look of profound disdain. Erika tells him that there is a thing called “common courtesy” but somehow, to Ty, this doesn’t compute. The girls leave, except for Emily, who tried to talk sense into Ty. During the course of the talk it is revealed that he knew that it was socially unacceptable to make disparaging comments on a girl’s weight, but he said it anyway, but he felt that it was his duty to push her buttons. See, Ty was just trying to help. What a good samaritan you are. Douche.

Ty, probably to continue getting into Emily’s steel pants, agrees to apologize to Callie.

So Ty talks to Callie and tells her that he was just trying to “check” her because she was getting too many compliments. Yeah, some apology. He follows up by telling her that she has a large head. I think Ty just passed Andrew in the race to become the cast member most desperate in need for charm school.

The episode ends with the girls going to a freestyle yoga dance fusion class, and they have fun. Emily and Ty continue to spar-flirt, and the credits roll with a video clip of the lovely Alicia Keys singing the hook of “Empire State of Mind,” which almost made watching the episode worth it.

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