“The Real World: Washington D.C.” mini-cap: Breaking the ice

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This week’s episode starts out with Ashley on the phone dishing to her BFF about her roommates. Andrew is the one who “breaks the ice.” (Sure, if “breaking the ice” means making inappropriate comments that lead to uncomfortable laughter and perplexed looks.) Ashley rattles off the list of roommates, making generally positive yet slightly judgmental comments about each of them.

And then she comes to Mike. See, Mike is — whisper — “bisexual.” Her friend reacts with a surprised “Oh, OK.” “But he has green eyes, tan skin, and an athletic build,” says Ashley, who clearly wants him.

Meanwhile, Andrew tries to woo Callie by showing her offensive cartoons. You know, the ones that were “offensive to women and lesbians and stuff” and got him fired from the student paper. Someone send this kid to charm school!

About Callie, Andrew says, “She turns me on.” Last episode it was Emily who turned him on. I think that at this point Andrew is so hard up that a Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup bottle would turn him on. Andrew then launches into a bizarre soliloquy that includes the following line: “She’s my whale, and I’m Moby Dick. Wait was Moby Dick the whale? I’m Captain Ahab, and she’s my dick.”

In the vein of the ancient tradition of warriors swapping blood and becoming blood brothers, in The Real World, once you reveal a dark secret from your past to a complete stranger (the “Overshare Ceremony”), you and the stranger are friends for life — or until that person takes the person you’re crushing on into the hot tub, in which case the Overshare Ceremony becomes void. Cut to an Overshare Ceremony between Emily and Ashley, the grand arbiter of who is acceptable. After Emily reveals that she grew up in an ultra-conservative cult, and that is the reason why she does not believe in God, Ashley anoints her as acceptable.

[Pause for an interlude. A bird flits off of a stream. A canoeist paddles under a bridge. Contemplative music plays in the background. All is serene.]

So, to recap, Callie and Emily are now acceptable, Ty is unacceptable, and Mike is — whisper — “bisexual” but totally hot and therefore his hotness makes him acceptable.

Erica, Ashley and Mike walk down the street. Ashley feels Mike’s biceps, which she also finds acceptable. “Any time you want to sleep with me, you let me know,” she says. In Jersey Shore speak, Ashley and Mike are clearly vibin’, and she would like to pound him out, or something like that.

Ty asks Emily about her recent hookups, and she replies that picked up a girl at Starbucks, who, after two weeks, said she loved her. “Awww!” says Ty. Emily looks horrified. So not “Awww?” Oh, more like “Ew.” Ty corrects himself. “Ew!” he says.

The cast goes to a club. Emily and Ty are definitely vibin’. Emily slinks up on Ty. Meanwhile, Andrew is bopping around wearing blue plastic flip up glasses, and he has a Twizzler hanging out of his mouth, which should be a big hit with the ladies.

Ashley and Mike kiss. An odd sound effect that is a cross between a gong and a vacuum cleaner commemorate this kiss. Callie pumps both fists in the air and cheers. The rest of the cast starts to cheer. Despite the fact that all of the cast members have already witnessed the kiss, Ashley blurts out, “I made out with Mike! We like full-on tongue kissed!”

Not to be outdone, Ty and Emily kiss. The season’s first kiss has already taken place, so no sound effects commemorate the kiss, and no one cheers. Ty and Emily go outside, where Ty tells Emily that he like totally digs her. Emily replies, “We can definitely have some fun.” Ty does not approve. “Ew!” says Ty.

They go back inside, and the chase is on. In The Real World and other MTV reality shows, in order to reel in your target, you must first flirt with other people in front of your desired target. Then your target must put on a frowny face and immediately flirt with someone else. Then you and your target get into a drunken fight, decide you hate each other, and then you go home and hook up. (This ritual was highly successful between Sammi and Ronnie in Jersey Shore, who are still a couple.)

Witness this ritual in action. Emily immediately starts to dance up on a guy that isn’t Ty. Ty puts on a frowny face and decides to find another girl. Emily turns around and sees a trashy blonde rubbing her bum bum all over Ty’s little Ty. She blurts out, “Ty is gross!”

Clearly Emily has had a few too many, and gets up in Ty’s face. I will attempt to translate her slurred rant, but I am not promising anything.

Emily: “U lied to meee. ZZrrr brrkkk. Aada. I uuu likeee mee. eXpreess it! Slurrrrrr.”

(Translation: You’re a liar. You said you liked me. You suck.)

Ty: So I can tell you I like you?

Emily: Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr U were on a bitszzzhh on the couchhh.

(Translation: “Who was that bitch on the couch? I’m going to pretend to be mad, but we’re going to hook up by the end of this episode, because we’re on MTV and this is what happens on MTV.”)

At this point, Callie and Andrew are walking home hand in hand, when Callie says the two words that strike fear into the hearts of straight men everywhere: “We’re besties!” Sorry, Andrew, but you’re in the friend zone.

Back at home Ashley finds out that Mike has a boyfriend, and she says, quite unexcitedly, “I’m excited to meet him.”

The cast goes to a block party for around 10 seconds. Then they get on a boat to watch fireworks. At the party, Andrew says to Callie, “Women can’t tolerate me for more than two or three hours.” Well at least he’s self-aware.

Later on, Emily and Ty bicker about whether to climb into bed together right before climbing into bed together. The next day Emily states on camera that “Ty is a fun thing and nothing more.” Good, because we want you to work your magic on another hot Starbucks barista.

Emily calls her mother and tells her about Ty, saying “I’m not going to waste my time here on a stupid boy … You know I never do boys well. I never have.” Well, get thee to Starbucks, lady!

That night, the cast goes to a gay bar, where Emily takes fashion tips from Papi on The L Word but doesn’t end up looking ridiculous.

Mike freaks out because it is the first time he has been to a gay bar in D.C., runs to the bar, gets loaded and runs off to find a boy. He finds a blond guy in a striped shirt and takes him home. Mike says, “He is genuine, nice, and he has a nice smile.” He says he would like to talk to him more.

Cut to Mike spreading blond stripy across the pool table with his tongue down his throat. I guess talking will have to come later. Ashley witnesses this as she attempts to brush her teeth with an electric toothbrush but she is so distracted that she misses her teeth and brushes her bottom lip instead.

The next day Mike goes to interview with the HRC to set up an internship for the summer. He goes to the interview in a T-shirt and plaid shorts. Someone should tell him that this is an interview, not a tea dance at the Pines.

That night is boys night out. The boys spend an inordinate amount of time primping. Josh puts on eyeliner. Andrew attempts to sprays his hair into a fauxhawk and fails. At the club, Andrew miraculously picks up a girl with bleached blonde with frosty lips named Krystal. Back at home, Andrew takes Krystal into the confessional, where Krystal states that Andrew is “pretty much the only hot guy here.” Miracles do happen. You just have to believe.

While Andrew and Krystal are in the confessional, Erika tells Krystal’s friend, “Let me tell you one thing: If you come back to this house with one of our guys, you better just expect that you will be partially naked at the end of the night.” Ashley continues, “We don’t judge. Actually that’s a lie. We judge.”

Andrew and Krystal come out of confessional announcing they’re going to the hot tub. Finally, the ninth resident of every Real World house — the hot tub — is about to be introduced. “Hey, make a good show,” says Emily. “He has proven that he is the ‘pimpin’ panda.”

After making out with her in the hot tub, Andrew takes Krystal upstairs, where he awkwardly squashes her on his bed. The rest of the girls debate whether to spy on them. After noting that they do not have television in the house and they have no other form of entertainment, they decide to spy on them. The female cast members start dancing around in Andrew’s closet, trying on this clothes and his panda hat, occasionally exchanging snipes with Krystal, who tells them all to go to bed. Ty steps in and tells them to stop cockblocking.

Cut to Andrew, mop haired and sad in the confessional, shaking his head. Apparently, Krystal had enough and left the building. The next morning, Andrew confronts the girls, literally shaking with sexual frustration. He tells them never to do what they did last night again. “I don’t get laid, guys. I don’t,” he whines. You almost feel bad for him. Almost.

Later, Emily brings her sis Amy home. “Is there a bi girl?” asks her sister, and Emily uses this moment to come out to her sister. Amy looks less than thrilled.

Ashley tells Mike she is not going to kiss him anymore, saying, “You kiss boys.” Mike says, “So do you.” Touche. Ashley continues that if she kissed girls it would be a turn on, but it’s not the same the other way around. “Why not? Were you raised that way?” asks Mike. Ashley, realizing that Mike has a point, decides to stick her toes in his face to avoid conceding the debate.

Meanwhile, Emily is irritated at her schoolmarmish sister. “If I want to make out with a girl I will. If I want to make out with a boy I will,” she quips.

Cut to a scene of Emily and Ty in bed. The next day, we discover that they did more than cuddle. Says Ty, “Emily is open with her sexuality, and I have benefited from that openness.” I guess frappucinos will have to wait.

Andrew, ever so persistent, wanders in and says “Now that you had the bull, want the young calf?” Yes, he actually says that.

And so here’s the tally. Emily: 1. Ty: 1. Andrew: 0. Hot Starbucks baristas: 0. Grace Chu, falling fast asleep, and therefore: 0.

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