Conveyor belts are for car parts, not relationship help

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. Me? I say in reality television. I mean, how can a reality show called Conveyor Belt of Love be a sign of anything but the end times?

But there it is, sitting in ABC’s lineup next year. But wait, what’s this show about? As the title so succinctly suggests, 30 men will roll out on a conveyor belt in front of five women and get one minute to make a positive impression. So now, picking your date is as easy as picking your favorite maki roll at the sushi boat place down the street. Yay, technology!

This is a real thing, people — a real thing in this world. Sometimes I wish dolphins were the ones given opposable thumbs.

The show, set to air Jan. 4, will follow the season premiere of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Then, depending on its ratings, it could be turned into a full series. As I was saying, why wait until 2012 when we can have an apocalypse now?

Look, I’ve grown accustomed to the inanity of reality TV. Who Wants to Date My Doberman That Is Smarter Than Your Dad is just par for the course. But it’s these supposed dating/marriage shows of The Bachelor/The Bachlorette ilk (and if we’re really going to wallow in it Rock of Love/Flavor of Love) that really turn my stomach. It’s one thing to be ridiculous on TV for something as simple as money. It’s another to be ridiculous on TV for something as significant as love.

How many of the people who rail against the immorality of gay marriage happily tune in with their families to watch straight couples make a mockery of love? Society keeps saying loving, long-term, committed gay couples can’t get married because it will rip apart the very fabric of civilization. But some girl can watch 30 dudes roll past her on a conveyor belt and it’s just good, clean fun?

I can’t think of a better, more infuriating example to illustrate New York State Senator Diane Savino’s moving speech to the legislative floor in support of the ultimately defeated marriage equality bill last week than this show. If you haven’t already, watch her now and feel the blood boil all over again.

Keep your conveyor belt, America. Spare me the stupidity and just admit that you all are doing a fine job of destroying society without us gays all on your own.

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