In this week’s episode of Heroes, Claire and Gretchen spend the entire episode talking about their kiss and defining their relationship. Unfortunately, their lesbian processing keeps getting interrupted by attempts at Gretchen’s life. What a bummer.
As you know, Claire and Gretchen shared a kiss two weeks ago, rendering Claire temporarily catatonic. This week’s episode opens with Claire and Gretchen lying on separate beds facing away from one another in their spacious dorm room. (What kind of college is this? I was sharing a 6×10 foot room with a flimsy bunk bed my freshman year. )
It is 4:40am. Neither is asleep. Awkwardness permeates the uncommonly large freshman dorm room.
Claire breaks the silence. “You awake?” she asks Gretchen.
“Yep,” replies Claire.
“Are you afraid that I’m going to kiss-attack you in your sleep?” asks Gretchen.
“Maybe,” Claire responds.
Maybe? They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.
That is not fear. That look screams, “Kiss-attack? Yes, please!”
But of course, instead of making her way across the ridiculously spacious freshman dorm room to Gretchen’s bed, Claire says, matter-of-factly, “We should talk about this.”
Processing already? Claire is a natural at this lesbian thing.
Gretchen apologizes profusely, saying that her actions were stupid, impulsive and bad, but Claire interrupts, saying it wasn’t bad at all, and acknowledges that Gretchen is a good kisser. Gretchen’s eyes light up, but then she continues, saying that Gretchen is the only friend that she has had before she left Texas and that she doesn’t want to mess up the friendship. (Don’t want to mess up the friendship, eh? Oh, we haven’t heard that one before.)
But Claire continues, “I really like you a lot.”
Gretchen’s eyes dim, “Just not in that way.”
Claire looks like she is about to say something meaningful, but before she can respond, a group of hooded figures bursts into the room and attack the both of them, postponing the moment of truth. Claire jumps up and protects a very confused Gretchen and throws one of the thugs to the floor.
Then one of the attackers lifts up her hood. Oh, look who it it — cult leader Samuel’s minion, masquerading as Wholesome Becky.
Becky rolls her eyes and tells Claire and Gretchen, like, duh, this is just ordinary sorority hazing. She tells Claire that she doesn’t have to “go all Buffy on them.” But Becky, don’t you know not to interrupt lesbian processing? Going all Buffy on you was merciful.
In any event, Claire and Gretchen allow themselves to be “kidnapped.” The two of them are thrown into the trunk of a car, where they awkwardly try not to paw each other.
“Look at us,” says Gretchen breathily. “All tied up in the dark.”
“You know, there are entire websites devoted to this,” responds Claire. (Like AfterEllen.com?)
They are silent for a few seconds while they stare into each other’s eyes, but then they turn away from each other in discomfort. Immediately, Gretchen resumes the “Do you like me or not” talk. Claire responds that she doesn’t know. Realizing that she has a chance, Gretchen looks up and says “Awesome.”
But of course, before the conversation can become productive, Becky cuts in and pulls the two of them out of the trunk. The scene cuts to an abandoned slaughterhouse. Becky has thrown hoods on all four pledges and tells them that the two teams of two will be competing in a horror-themed scavenger hunt for the honor of not being hazed for a week. (Only four pledges? They couldn’t find any hungry film school grads to be extras?)
Then Becky and a couple of sorority sisters run off giggling, leaving Claire, Gretchen, a girl who shall henceforth be known as Bitchy McBitcherson and a girl who can’t stop screaming “UH-MAH-GAWD!” to navigate the slaughterhouse in the haunted treasure hunt.
Suddenly, Heroes turns into Hostel. UH-MAH-GAWD girl is sprayed in the face with fake blood via a booby trap and starts freaking out. It becomes abundantly clear that this is no ordinary scavenger hunt.
Claire and Gretchen split up from the other two, and resume their “define the relationship” talk. Then a meat hook mysteriously swings towards Gretchen and almost impales her. The writers of this show really don’t want the two to come to an understanding about their feelings for each other, do they? Before Gretchen is butchered, however, Claire pushes her out of the way and conveniently lands on her.
Claire suspects that there is another person with special abilities in their immediate vicinity and that this little hazing exercise isn’t really a game. Finally, she suggests that someone is out to kill Gretchen. Gretchen voices her skepticism, but then of course, the two revert to discussing their relationship, because even a murder attempt cannot stop two women from processing.
Gretchen apologizes for “getting all relationship-y” on Claire, saying that it is the last thing Claire needs.
Claire interrupts her, saying, “I need you. Trust me.”
The two are able to share another breathless moment looking into each other’s eyes before another meat hook throws itself at Gretchen’s neck.
Claire manages to unhook the contraption from Gretchen’s neck by swinging a two by four above Gretchen’s head. Looks like someone with the power of invisibility is causing trouble in paradise. Said invisible person gets pissed that she got whacked in the head and retaliates by nailing Claire against the wall with an iron spike. Now who’s getting all Buffy in this joint? Just your usual sorority hazing, eh?
Claire grabs a meat hook herself and swings it towards the invisible relationship-talk-interrupting force, who becomes visible.
Bad Becky. This is what you get for repeatedly interrupting two women trying to hash out their feelings.
As Gretchen, Claire, and Becky are staring open-mouthed at each other, Bitchy McBitcherson and UH-MAH-GAWD girl enter the room, and UH-MAH-GAWD girl shrieks — you guessed it — UH-MAH-GAWD!
Becky flees from the room, and Gretchen pulls the stake out of Claire’s chest. Claire heals in front of everyone, leaving Bitchy McBitcherson and UH-MAH-GAWD girl in shock and awe.
“What’s happening?” asks UH-MAH-GAWD girl.
Gretchen turns to Claire and asks, “What are we going to do?”
Will Claire’s secret be revealed to the student body? Will Becky get away with attempted murder? And, for crying out loud, will Claire and Gretchen ever get to finish their relationship talk without interruption?