RachelWatch: DeLayed Warning

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Today: Blue Dogs, Neocons, and straight porn still turns you gay.

Blue Dog Days

Oh, dear. Rachel started us off with the news that fierce opponent of the public health care option Congressman Mike Ross (D – Arkansas) is either the very best sprucer-upper of properties in the entire world or he may have taken inappropriate amounts of money on a property sale to a company called USA Drug.

To be fair, Ross repainted and had a fresh rhubarb pie baking when the USA Drug folks came by to look at the property. Plus he put out some throw pillows.

Another Big Tent Causes Trouble

Muammar Khadafi is set to speak at the United Nations Wednesday, but the local B&Bs have been telling him to begone and be quick about it.

So he pitched a tent — no, really, a great big tent — on some property owned by Donald Trump.

While I am no fan of Khadafi, I would give almost anything to see his squad of bad-ass female bodyguards scare the hell out of some Miss USA contestants while they’re all in Trumpland.

GOP in Exile

I’m not even sure how to describe this segment. I knew the Republicans were having a strange year, but when you see a bunch of the clips next to each other right in a row, it’s completely insane.

Is that why I keep seeing thinking conservatives walking around wearing elaborate disguises? Are there closet conservatives now?

And speaking of the closet and people who would like to drive you back into it, Rachel gave us the either hilarious or terrifying news that the guy who thinks straight porn turns you gay was an intellectual influence on one of the current candidates for the Governorship of Virginia.

Well, at least if Bob McDonnell wins I can stop having those tiresome arguments with people who assume the beautiful commonwealth of Virginia is a scary, bigoted place full of backwards rubes. Because they will be correct.

Creigh Deeds, you are sitting on a gold mine of campaign slogans. I am looking forward to purchasing my “Deeds of the Fornicators” T-shirt.

Life Begins at 60

Rachel reported that Massachusetts will allow a temporary Senator to fill the late Senator Kennedy’s seat, and for once the scuffle over filling a seat is about getting someone liberal enough.

Thomas Oliphant, former columnist for The Boston Globe, dropped in to place his bets and gently tell us all to not get too excited about this.

Ms. Information

Rachel reminded us that there are still maybe three people on the planet who are less popular than Muammar Khadafi, and one of them is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

He’s due to speak at the U.N. on Thursday as a part of their Upsetting Crazy People theme week, and one or two protests have been planned. If you’re in New York, you might want to don some green and head out to the Empire State Building.

It’s not officially being lit up green for the protests, but carpe verdi.

Also in the People You Don’t Want to Hear from category, Senator John Ensign (R – Nevada). Rachel pointed out that he decided to step back up into legislative life by replacing the word “fee” in the health care bill with the word “tax” every time it appears, presumably so later he can make some stupid point about how it secretly raises your taxes but HE spotted it.

Which is annoying, but not actually upsetting.

What’s upsetting is footage of smarmy former House Majority Leader (who, lest we forget, had to step down due to massive corruption charges) Tom DeLay (R) gyrating his hips on Dancing with the Stars.

And what’s infuriating is that I didn’t get to see TRMS until the second broadcast and not one of my friends warned me about the horror so I could brace myself. “Tweeps” indeed, you betraying monsters.

I am your friend, so I will tell you that if you must see it for yourself, take something for nausea and a prescription antidepressant and bite down on a bullet first.

I don’t care what the side effects of the antidepressant are. You will thank me later. There is both bumping and grinding.

You Aren’t the Only One Who Thinks Richard Engel Is Fantastic

Rachel took a moment to congratulate regular TRMS guest and NBC chief foreign correspondent Richard Engel and his producer Madeline Haeringer on their Emmy wins for astonishing war reporting. Let’s hope he’s back on the show soon and safely.

Neo-Condi

Former National Security Advisor and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has some advice for us all on avoiding future terrorist attacks.

Rachel pointed out that Ms. Rice has one rather big miss on her record when it comes to keeping the nation safe.

It honestly never occurred to me that the Neocons might think the whole Iraq thing went super well.

I guess it’s true if your goal is to start wars rather than stop them.

At first I was astonished at Sam Stein’s suggestion that Dick Cheney might run as a national security candidate, but then something clicked in my head and it all fell into place.

Cheney/DeLay 2012: Dancing with Pure, Condensed Evil.

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