By now you’ve heard that Neil Patrick Harris, saved last night’s Emmy Awards, just like he saved last summer’s Tony Awards. Emmy ratings were up 11 percent this year, thanks to Harris’ song and dance and humor and Horribleness.
As I watched him woo the audience last night, it occurred to me that our society may not be ready for that whole scary gay marriage thing, but on the plus side, it does have a tendency to view gays as superheroes.
Think about it: Who did CBS turn to when the very fabric of our society — the celebration of famous people — was in trouble? King of the Gays, Neil Patrick Harris. Who did Fox turn to when the top-rated show in the history of television began to dive in ratings? Queen of the Gays, Ellen DeGeneres. During last year’s U.S. presidential election, who did MSNBC turn to when they needed to rescue political punditry? Geek of the Gays, Rachel Maddow. And when everyone’s money caught fire during the Great Depression 2.0, who did God herself choose for council? Richest of Gays, Suze Orman.
By applying the transitive property of logic, it becomes clear that the whole world wants gays to tell them what to do. So, to speed things along in what’s obviously a worldwide Queer Takeover, we’ve made a list of gays who should be bossing/judging everyone in sight.
Wanda Sykes — Adviser to the Obama Administration on LGBT Relations
When Wanda Sykes performed at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last summer, three things became obvious: 1) She knows her politics. 2) President Obama really likes her. 3) Even in the presence of the country’s most powerful politicians and media, Sykes refuses to pull punches.
Those things combined would make Sykes the perfect adviser to an administration that seems reluctant to spend political capital on things like DOMA and DADT. With Sykes in the Oval Office, we’ve got to believe LGBT issues would receive more attention, at least a little.
Jane Lynch — President of Programming for all Network TV
Jane Lynch’s IMDB profile reads like David Foster Wallace; it’s long, it’s annotated, and you’ll probably fall asleep before you read the whole thing, even though it contains multitudes of awesomeness.
Jane Lynch is one of the hardest-working women in Hollywood, which explains why she has starred on every television show and in every movie ever produced. All that knowledge makes Lynch a perfect contender to be the president of the presidents of network TV. The regular network presidents can still continue to run things, but all final programming decisions would go through Jane Lynch. If that happened, you know Pushing Daisies would still be on the air, and The Jay Leno Show would have never clogged up NBC’s primetime schedule.
Sheryl Swoopes — Lesbian Liaison for Women’s Professional Sports
Finding a lesbian at a women’s professional sporting event is as easy as shooting a T-shirt cannon into the stands. One out of one times, you are going to hit a dyke. So, why is it that professional sports leagues are still so loath to reach out to their lesbian fan bases? Sure, most WNBA teams quietly support local LGBT centers, and the WPS has been a lot less cautious than its predecessors, but lesbians are the fabric that hold these leagues together. Professional sports teams need to be loud and proud about it.
Sheryl Swoopes is the perfect liaison to make that happen. She is the mother of the WNBA and one of the most popular faces of out athletes. She’s great with people and great with press, and she’s no stranger to hard work and controversy. Give her a season to make it happen, and Swoopes could start filling arenas.
Sandra Bernhard — Replacement for Randy Jackson on American Idol
You know what’s better than a super-lovable lesbian as a judge on America’s most popular television show? A super-lovable lesbian judge and an awesomely-caustic lesbian judge on America’s most popular television show.
Randy Jackson has exhausted all of his catchphrases and there are no names left for him to drop. It’s time to put the Dawg Pound out to pasture and bring someone on who can hold her own with Simon Cowell, in terms of brutal honesty. Between Bernhard and Ellen, the awkward moments that always eat up so much space could become a lot funnier on American Idol.
Rosie O’Donnell — Ambassador for Thinking People to Fox News
Here’s my thought: Rosie O’Donnell sits in Fox’s studio while, say, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly do their shows. That means, first of all, that each of those guys has to do a whole show under Rosie’s withering glare. But the best part of my plan is this: when either of them misleads the audience or outright lies, Rosie gets to sound a buzzer and finish the rest of the program on her own.
The conservative groups would, of course, be welcome to send a similar ambassador over to MSNBC. I’m not sure how well that would work out, though, because whoever they choose for the job is obviously just going to fall in love with Rachel Maddow.
Tabatha Coffey — Dictator of Efficiency
Have you ever been standing in line at a self-checkout at Target behind someone who has an entire cart-full of items and obviously doesn’t know how to work a scanner, and you just start wishing someone was in charge of these things? There should be a licensing system for things like self-checkout. There should be someone in charge of the drive-thru at Starbucks. We need someone to rule the inefficiency in our country with an iron fist! Tabatha Coffey is the person to do that. Is she going to make some people cry by chewing their heads as they fumble with the scanner at Kroger? Yes, she is. But that person will learn their lesson and take their groceries through a regular line the next time.
Also, I think she should be able to hire her own task force. And they should have badges and the full-arm of the law behind them.
Jackie Warner — Replacement for Jeff Probst on Survivor
When I imagine this, I think of Jane Lynch’s Glee character, Sue Sylvester, on an island with a bullhorn. Only, it’s not Jane Lynch; it’s Jackie Warner. And she’s shouting, “You think being forced to mud wrestle for food is hard?! Try going through one of my training programs at Sky Sport! That’s hard!
And instead of little safari suits like Jeff Probst, Warner would wear her sports bra everywhere.
Do you have any other suggestions for Gays in Power? Leave them in the comments!