Dear Jennifer Beals,
Hi, it’s us: your lesbians. You remember us, right? Even though you’re not playing gay anymore? Of course you remember us; you’re always out supporting us in one way or another, aren’t you? Well, we’re just writing to say we support you too, and when we heard you were returning to your role as Assistant U.S. Attorney Zoe Landau on Fox’s Lie to Me next season, we were so happy!
OK, actually we were 75 percent happy and 25 percent sort of conflicted. Or, you know 60-40. Actually, it was more like half and half.
We are happy that your character is coming back in a more frequent recurring role, because that means the audience obviously liked you a lot. And why wouldn’t they? Zoe Landau is a power-suit rocking bad-ass with a commanding exterior and a little bit of sappy, gushy goo underneath. We love you like that!
Also, we are happy because some people predicted that after The L Word you’d be relegated to the Lifetime Movie Network. And it’s not that we don’t occasionally spend a Sunday in our pajamas, eating ice cream straight from the container while being captivated by the harrowing tale of a wife who gets pregnant by her dentist while under anesthesia, but is then forced to incubate her baby in prison after running over her husband’s mistress with an SUV because she was also the cheeerleading coach who cut her daughter from the team.
OK, that’s a lie. We never do that. But sometimes our girlfriend does it, and we don’t judge.
What we’re saying is that we’re glad you are having success on a major network.
The reason we’re conflicted is — well, there are two reasons. One, you make Lie to Me about fifteen-times more implausible. Not your acting or anything. Thing is, the show already asks a lot in terms of suspension of disbelief — which is fine. We totally believe the stuff on Bones could happen — but then you come sassing onto the screen and we’re supposed to believe that you were actually married to (and are possibly still in love with) Cal Lightman. Is it the accent? It has to be the accent, right? Because you’re about eleven levels hotter than him. Also, he’s kind of a prick.
The second reason we’re conflicted is, we just really like to see you kiss girls. The way you just give yourself over to it, all tender but aggressive, open-mouthed, tongues clashing, heavy breathing, Feist crooning in the background, head tossed back in ecstasy until the moment you — hem hem. Sorry. It’s just, well:
Right? Are we right? Kissing girls is awesome!
Anyway, the point is, when you return to Lie to Me on Fox on September 28th, we’ll be watching. And if you ever decide to try your hand at Lifetime, we’ll watch that too. We’ll watch you in anything, forever and ever.
Ask Cal Lightman; he’ll know we’re telling the truth.