“Guiding Light” 7/6 mini-cap: Natalia Prepares for Take-Off

Natalia gets sick in the bathroom; it’s Buzz’s oven smoke. What else could it be? It could be a myriad of more creative things, but it’s not.

Fr. Ray comes by to pick up cookies for church. Why does Nat invite that vampire in? The padre notices Natalia isn’t looking well, probably because he is sucking the life out of her. Father Ray insinuates her lifestyle choices are taking a toll on her. Nat refuses to believe she has to give up Olivia to make her life easier. This priest is a bad omen.

Doris and Ashlee argue over appropriate flatware when Olivia arrives. Ashlee tells her mom to fork off and leaves. Doris admits she tried to tell Ashlee about her sexuality years ago but couldn’t. Olivia hopes she and Natalia handle it better than Doris did.

Natalia is still sick. She thinks it’s food poisoning. Nat did have an old wiener four months ago — that could do it. Blake asks is there is any possibility she is pregnant. No one under the age of 90 attempts marriage without sleeping together first. For all those swinging nonagenarians out there, I apologize: GL‘s words, not mine.

Natalia explains her relationship with God is important. Blake interrupts, questioning if that means she and Olivia haven’t had sex. No, they haven’t, but don’t blame God, blame the all-seeing eye of CBS.

Otalia are at the mini-mart shopping for BBQ baking supplies. Nat sends Liv on a marshmallow quest while she peruses the home pregnancy tests (they should be right next to the condoms). Too late now.

Philip is waiting for them outside the farmhouse. Natalia goes inside. Olivia tells Philip about their plans for Emma and the barbecue. Philip has no problem; he just wants Emma to be happy. Olivia knows there will be jokes. If Reva showed up with a woman, she would joke. If Reva showed up with a woman, we would all joke. Olivia believes everything will be OK, something someone who lives in a soap should never say.

Natalia pees on the test stick she secretly purchased and waits an unprecedented 5 minutes. Too bad she picked the knock-off OPT test kit. The Proctor & Gamble sanctioned product placement gives the answer in 60 seconds. Natalia prays, but honestly, at this point it’s out of God’s hands.

When Emma and Olivia go to check on Natalia, she throws the pee stick into her huge purse before the timer rings. Let’s bake. Let’s do anything to keep from having to look in that purse. It is painful to see Olivia so happy over her upcoming independence day.

Nat gets metaphorically sicker as Olivia talks about real family, the first she’s experienced. As she leaves for ice cream with Emma, Olivia blows Nat a kiss. That’s not the only thing about that kiss that blows. Seriously, who blows kisses other than pre-schoolers and beauty pageant winners?

Alone, Natalia takes the pregnancy test out of her purse. Two solid lines, two words: You’re Pregnant. Probably a good time for another one of those prayers.

Olivia’s glowing with elation. Doris notices the twinkle in Liv’s eye. Liv tells Doris they are telling Emma tonight, going to the barbecue together tomorrow, and spending the rest of their lives together. Dear, lord, if I wasn’t recapping, I would have to stop watching! This is killing me.

Natalia finds Blake and tells her she has a Frank-n-bun in the oven. Blake suggests Natalia go to the hospital to confirm the pregnancy. Those non-P&G tests can be wrong.

Doris and Olivia talk about the BBQ and their big announcement. Olivia wants for Doris what she and Natalia have. They didn’t expect it, it just happened, and now she can’t think of life without Natalia. Oh, my heart is breaking. It’s worse than a Disney movie when the obligatory parent dies.

The doctor draws blood for the test. Nat is scared and sad. There is an Olivia voice over and a tender moment about the order of life. Liv has never felt this way before. The pregnancy is confirmed.

Olivia calls. They are on their way. Natalia says something’s come up she needs to take care of. Honestly, Liv, press her on what could be more important. You are in love, not in stupid. They will tell Emma tomorrow. Olivia is ecstatic and tells Nat she loves her; Nat loves her, too, and the tears burst like fireworks.

Liv and Emma head out to the barbecue. Natalia makes up another excuse why she can’t meet them yet.

Natalia runs into Frank at the mini-mart while she is purchasing the universal cure for nausea. I could use some ginger ale myself as once again I hear, “you’re a good man.” If GL’s anemic budget can’t afford a thesaurus, they can borrow mine.

I can’t bear to write all the scenes of happy, giddy Liv. Suffice it to say the barbecue is singularly blissful — for now. Liv has no idea the lemonade she is passing out is metaphorically linked to the fruit of Nat’s labor.

Father Ray finds Natalia praying. Father, is it a bigger sin to love a woman or sleep with a man outside of marriage? My child, for answers regarding the hypocrisy of religious doctrine, you must consult a conservative politician.

Nat wants to know if God is punishing her. Father Ray says no, though this is not coincidence. Talk about hypocrisy. God didn’t bring this down on Natalia, just like God didn’t bring Katrina down on New Orleans as the pious have prognosticated. This is the science of physiology pure and simple.

Natalia is instructed to take some time and reflect on her feelings and the situation. Get thee to a nunnery and find peace. The passive aggressive preaching continues as Fr. Ray plants seeds of doubt about life and love.

Ignoring Olivia’s impassioned phone calls, Natalia decides to leave town. Blake is enlisted as the “Dear Olivia” note personified as she delivers the message Natalia is not coming to the barebecue and doesn’t want to see Olivia. Olivia stands there with tears in her eyes and her Gus-heart in her throat.

Natalia drives out of town as Olivia falls to the ground sobbing. If I hit the delete button, will this all have still happened?

For updates and in-between Otalia postings go to www.mindschmootz.net.

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