It’s morning in Miami. Well, it’s actually afternoon, but when you’re Charlene and your job is to hang out in lesbian clubs, dancing, smoking and drinking your face off, you tend to miss The Today Show. To make matters worse, Char is in Miami, but soon finds out that the Miami scene is located an hour away in Ft. Lauderdale. Other geographic disappointments: The NY Giants’ stadium is actually in New Jersey, nobody’s really “in da house,” and your girlfriend is texting you from Las Vegas.
New housemate and vlogger, Hilary, wakes Char up by sticking a video camera in her face — next week’s episode is about drooling. Char eats leftover hot wings and Hilary chooses one hard-boiled egg for breakfast, which explains why these two roomies will never be sharing clothes.
Sitting in their super-fabulous breakfast nook, Hilary invites Char to her birthday dinner. Then it’s off to the bathroom for a few hours of flat-ironing.
The doorbell rings. Who could it be? Hilary opens the door to find Davonee, Char’s Truck Stop cohort from LA, standing there with a bag and a grin. Char flies out of the bathroom at the sound of Davonee’s voice, and starts jumping around excitedly at the sight of her.
Char asks Davonee how long she plans on staying. Davonee says vaguely, “I dunno,” as Hilary looks on with mild horror. The gaysian reunion is cut short, because responsible Hilary tells them they’re late for dinner.
At the restaurant, Jazmin, Angel and Bonnie are there to celebrate with Hilary, Char and Davonee. Jazmin and Davonee size each other up in that way lesbians do that reminds me of dogs sniffing each other’s butts. No one’s wildly impressed.
Gaby and Maizi are elsewhere, presumably getting cornrows and skin cancer check-ups, or whatever it is girls do in tropical climates. Char meets a Miami club promoter named, Omar, who hands her an over-sized club flyer featuring fonts for the visually impaired.
Omar’s face curdles when he learns that Char is also a promoter who plans on taking Miami Beach’s lesbian scene by storm. Considering there is no lesbian scene in Miami, I don’t know why he’s so worried.
Meanwhile, Jazmin announces she’s a vegetarian, and hey, who put all this bacon on her plate? Davonee gladly devours all of her unwanted pork with a gusto normally reserved for competitive eating contests, and then proceeds to throw a tomato on Hilary’s birthday cake. That would be her idea of funny.
After Jazmin gets annoyed and leaves, Davonee mutters, “Vegetarians, my ass,” and informs Hilary, “I’m sorry, but honestly? Your friend — she’s stupid.” If you like show-offy, 10-year-old boys with limited vocabs, then Davonee is the girl for you.
Back at the house, Jazmin and Davonee get into it again, while Angel and her formerly hetero girlfriend, Bonnie, Char and Hilary squirm, yet hang on every word. Drama is awesome when it’s not your own.
That’s when Char and Davonee find out they’re going camping tomorrow. It’s Hilary’s birthday, and that’s what she wants. The last time I checked the woods, there was no place to plug in a blow dryer. Houston, we have a problem.
Hilary and Char have a private chat about Davonee in which Char keeps quiet about her own reservations and vouches for her friend. Hilary is willing to give Davonee a chance because she “trusts” Char — her first mistake. Her second mistake? These glasses.
Hilary takes her video camera into the bathroom to shoot her vlog in the mirror. Hilary reports the events of the day, and wonders if Davonee could have been a little nicer, since she’s the one who showed up uninvited. Hilary may be young, but she’s not without a sense of good manners. Aw. This makes me want to buy her a tripod for her birthday.
Meanwhile, in the gaysian room, Char asks Davonee a very good question, “Wait, so, do Linda and Michelle know that you’re here?” Davonee stares at her. Silence. Crickets. Paint dries, grass grows.
Finally, Davonee says, “Uh no. Why do I have to tell them?”
Char sees red flags everywhere and warns Davonee, if you don’t tell them, I will. Davonee almost starts to cry and admits she’s crashing the Miami party to prove to Linda and Michelle that she’s more that a pretty face with no inside voice.
Char gives her a hug and recommends, “Stop using your brain.” Char understands job security.
The next day, Davonee is screwing around on Char’s computer when Linda logs on for a video chat. Davonee runs into the kitchen to hide, right after admitting she doesn’t know anything about computers, thus proving she’s mature and qualified for more work responsibilities.
Linda and Michelle give Char a long to-do list: follow up on venues, report on agreements with the owners, figure out where their ads are going, book a studio for dancer auditions and check in daily with status updates. Char assures them she’ll get right on that, and promptly gets in car and goes camping.
After messing around with tent assembly instructions written in Latin and fitting poles together any which way, the girls somehow manage and answer the age old question: How many lesbians does it take to put up a tent? Answer: All of them.
It’s dark now and the girls are ready for some burnt-over-an-open-fire goodness. Davonee and Jazmin share a moment while discussing the merits of veggie burgers. Oh no, please don’t tell me these two are ever getting together. Crazy needs to be diluted with laid-back whenever possible. It’s a law, I think.
Just when I think things can’t get more disturbing, the girls decide to play Truth or Dare. From personal experience, I can assure you you can live a happy life without ever knowing about your friends’ funny STDs, third nipple or creative bikini waxes. Maybe my friends and I should be choosing “dare” more often.
Char is dared to lick Davonee’s foot. Never mind what I said earlier.
In case anyone thought Truth or Dare wasn’t mortifying enough, the conversation turns to relationships. One girl admits she still lives with, and still sleeps in the same bed with – wait for it – her ex. That’s normal. Bonnie announces she’d love to live with Angel. Angel does not feel the same way and says so. OK then! Who wants a s’more?
The next morning, the girls are awaken by gunfire. It’s not a drive-by; they’re camped next to a shooting range. Someone give that location scout a raise. Davonee notices Bonnie and Angel are gone. Their car is missing and no one heard a thing. Over coffee, the girls speculate there was some relationship drama after lights out.
Maybe they just realized they were camping.
As everyone breaks camp, Charlene’s thoughts turn to work. The dancers, the DJs, the guest list, the venues, the promotions, her bosses in LA, and all the things she hasn’t done a damn thing about. She can always tell Linda and Michelle a bear ate her homework.
Next week: Do-gooder Hilary and buttinski Maisi join forces to get Angel and Bonnie back together, but their machinations backfire and make things worse. Char gets down to business. Davonee looks up “machinations.”
U.S. readers can watch the episode on logoonline.com.