As you know by now, Hollywood is determined to pillage your childhood for profit. Yesterday, Television Without Pity suggested we stop fighting it and actually encourage studio execs to plunder our pasts. Piggy-backing off their list of ’80s and ’90s phenomenon that would make great movies, we’ve constructed our own menu of ways to make our nostalgia watchable — and also awesomely queer.
The Baby-Sitter’s Club
Kristy Thomas (Ellen Page) plans to make her last summer in Stonybrook, Connecticut the best summer of her life. Before she leaves for college, she’s determined to lead Kristy’s Krushers to the little league championship! She’s sure her biggest competition will be Bart’s Bashers, but that’s before Kristy meets new coach Jordan Price, and her new team, Jordan’s Jammers.
Jordan pushes Kristy’s buttons at their very first league meeting. Kristy can’t figure out why she’s so unnerved by this new chick in town, or why seeing Jordan makes her feel tingly all over, or why she can’t get enough of the way Jordan smells like softball mitt leather and strawberries. But Kristy sure-as-Pete is going to figure it out!
Jem and The Holograms
Glamor and glitter! Fashion and fame! Lindsay Lohan is outrageous; truly, truly, truly outrageous as music company owner/rockstar Jerrica Benton/Jem. When she heads off on a worldwide tour with her band (Tegan and Sara), Jem is shocked to meet up with The Misfits’ former saxophone player and general British rebel-rouser, Jetta (Kathryn Prescott). Against her better judgment, Jem hires Jetta to play the keytar for The Holograms.
As they travel together, Jem realizes she’s not the only one harboring a secret identity. Stormer likes to kiss girls, on the mouth! As an international superstar, Jem can’t get into a relationship with another woman — but there’s nothing stopping Jerrica from taking a chance!
She-Ra: Princess of Power
After years of wallowing in debauchery, Princess Adora (Katee Sackhoff) decides to embrace the identity of She-Ra, and redeem her past transgressions by freeing Etheria from evil. Not far into her quest, She-Ra falls victim to some black magic at the hands of Shadow Weaver, and is nursed back to health by the mysterious and beautiful Castaspella.
The enchantress questions She-Ra’s attachment to her phallic weaponry, and the two spend weeks together, learning a different sort of joust. One morning She-Ra returns to their cabin to find Castaspella missing. Can she find and free her lover from Hordak and his Evil Horde before it’s too late?
Supergirl/Wonder Woman cross-over
For reasons ancient cryptic, Supergirl (Yvonne Strahovski) and Wonder Woman (Sarah Lancaster) do not get along. If one of them shows up on a scene to fight crime, the other lands soon after and almost always ruins everything. But now there’s a problem bigger than either one of them: Superman has been captured!
Can they put aside their differences and stop attacking each other with their super weapons long enough to bring him back to Metropolis? And will Wonder Woman be able to handle the secret Supergirl reveals about her feelings one night after being roped with the Lasso of Truth?
Out on the Bar None Dude Ranch, Melody (Blake Lively) just wants to roast some marshmallows and have an awesome vacation, but super-rich city-girl Brad (Leighton Meester ) wants everything her way. Their shared cabin is too hot! Melody’s stuff takes up too much room in the shower! The meat is overcooked, the bug spray smells like gasoline, and where is the special horse Brad’s father was supposed to have shipped in?!
Melody thinks of asking for a cabin transfer, but then decides maybe Brad just a little compassion. Melody has tamed plenty of horses in her day; how much different can riding be with Brad?
Which of those movies would you pay to see? What other childhood favorites would make a good transition to the big screen, and how would you gay it up?