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Bad Girls Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Love Rivals”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The victim: Rachel throws herself at Fenner – and in harm’s way.

The vigilante: Nikki goes her own way, even when Helen’s in her path.

The visionary: Zandra’s drug-addled brain locks onto the idea of a Larkhall weddding.

Speedy delivery – An inmate – one I don’t think we’ve seen before – is doing some gardening. Suddenly a little packet flies over the prison wall and plops into the garden. The prisoner quickly covers it with dirt.

Cut to several hand-offs of the packet, until it finally makes its way to a gleeful Zandra. This time she doesn’t crutch it (whew); she just slips it under her shirt. And when she gets to her cell, she slips it into her veins.

Oh, Zandra. If the de-crutching by Denny didn’t teach you anything, what will?

Monica comes back to the cell to find a sky-high Zandra. She starts to scold her, but Zandra says she wouldn’t be doing drugs if she didn’t have to. I hear you, Zandra: It’s like recapping. It’s hell when I can’t find the right words or can’t find a single funny thing to say, but the bigger hell is not having a show to recap at all. See? Just like drugs, but without the debilitating side effects, jail time and communicable diseases. Otherwise, no real differences.

Monica: You’re going to kill yourself.

Zandra: So. What’s it to you?

Before Monica can convince Zandra she cares, Officer Hollamby shows up with the pre-screened post. I think that might be even worse than the cockroaches – someone reading my mail, I mean. I wonder if they read your e-mail now too? Imagine that: Hollamby online. Shudder.

Hollamby gives Monica an “ooh, get her” look and then says, “Something on your mind?” Monica pauses, then looks away and says, “No, Miss.” Hollamby’s mug gets even more smug, if that’s possible.

Helen’s flat – There’s Helen. In a towel. But there’s Sean, bringing me down just as soon as I get all fizzed up. Go away, Yawn.

Helen asks Sean what they’re going to do today; she has the day off. So Yawn flops Helen onto the bed and says he wants to keep her prisoner. She squeals like a little girl, but it only makes me love her more.

Helen thanks Sean for being there when she needs to talk about Fenner and everyone else. Sean tells her to face the fact that she’s stuck with Fenner, just as Fenner’s stuck with her. Helen seems to take his advice very seriously. Oh, Helen, do you really think your situation is anything like Fenner’s? He doesn’t have to go home to a whinging landscaper who doesn’t appreciate him.

The Larkhall library – Nikki is engrossed in Middlemarch. Rachel appears to be browsing the romance section. As if to demonstrate its antithesis, Fenner shuffles in.

Fenner: Rachel, you got a minute?

Nikki: [overhearing] Jesus. You get around, don’t you?

Rachel says yes, of course she has a minute for her dear Jim. Fenner suggests they go somewhere else. Before he leaves, he stops to give Nikki some friendly advice:

Fenner: Listen to me, you interfering dyke. Just keep that snout of yours where it belongs, or you’re gonna end up shagging the end of my boot. OK?

Nikki: You really know how to talk to a woman, don’t you, Fenner?

Fenner just leaves. Heh.

Fenner and Rachel go to Rachel’s cell so she can give him a blow job. That almost looks preferable to kissing him: What is wrong with this guy? He kisses like a chimp.

Tea and sympathy — As they wait in line for food, the two Julies chat with Zandra. It seems Zandra was supposed to get married next month. But she hasn’t heard anything from Robin (her fiancĂ©) lately. Julie J. suggests that Zandra ask Miss Stewart whether she can have the wedding at Larkhall.

Zandra: Pull the other one; it farts Elvis.

Ha ha! I guess heroin doesn’t affect your wit.

Julie J. insists that all Zandra has to do is ask Helen. Those kooky Julies: such romantics. I mean, what could be more dreamy than a Larkhall wedding? The guests are already there, and I’m sure the Julies could bake a cake for the occasion. And Fenner could give a toast and then shag the bride in her cell.

Speaking of that — Fenner, having been serviced, is leaving Rachel’s cell. Rachel gives him a love letter. He rips it up and flushes it down the toilet. He says that if somebody were to see such a letter, Rachel would be transferred. He tells her to be careful; she promises she will. Rachel, I’m trying to feel sorry for you, but you’re just so … so pathetic.

A stairway confab — Nikki asks Monica how things are going. Monica is worried because the nuns are planning to bring her son Spencer for a visit again. Monica doesn’t want him to be exposed to all the nastiness.

Nikki puts her hands on Monica’s shoulders and tells her to try to be positive. She urges Monica to pursue her appeal: “Don’t let it slip like I did.” Hmmm. You, Nikki? You seem so together. I mean, compared to the people around you, like Shell, who’s wandering by at just the right time:

Shell: [seeing Nikki’s hands on Monica’s shoulders] Going for someone a bit more upmarket, are you, Wade?

Nikki: Get lost, Dockley.

Shell: What’s she got the other girls ain’t? Mink instead of beaver?

Nikki: [grabbing Shell and pushing her up against the wall] Any more of that, and I’ll wipe that filthy gob of yours right across your face.

Fenner comes to Shell’s rescue. Just when I was starting to enjoy that.

Fenner threatens to put Nikki on report if she doesn’t behave herself. (“On report” doesn’t sound very serious, but it can mean extra cockroaches and worse food.) Nikki waits until Shell leaves, and then lobs a snide remark at Jim: “You wanna watch it, Mr. Fenner. One of these days, that one will bite it off.”

Jim just stops and stares and clenches his jaw, as if he knows that’s probably true.

The phone queue — Zandra is trying to get in touch with Robin, but he’s not answering the phone. Denny grabs the phone and hangs it up. They almost start to fight, but a guard gives them a warning look. Zandra decides to focus on more important matters and asks Denny if she has any gear. Denny asks, “Whatcha got?” and Zandra offers her phone card.

Denny: That’ll do nicely. But you’re gonna have to wait.

Wow. Talk about keeping your enemies close.

Helen’s manic Monday — Helen’s trying to leave for work, but she can’t find her phone. Sean finds it and asks why she needs a mobile anyway; she works in a prison.

Helen: No one likes a smart arse.

Hee. I cannot believe that accent: Even “arse” sounds sexy. And Helen looks good in her leather jacket, too, even though she’s giving Sean far too sweet a look as she leaves.

At Larkhall, Helen asks Jim how everything’s going. “Clockwork. Just the way I like it,” says Fenner. I guess “clockwork” means “Not well, but at least I have Rachel and Shell to keep me company.”

Zandra spies Miss Stewart and runs after her to ask whether she can have her nuptials at Larkhall. Helen is surprised, but agrees to set up an appointment for Zandra.

Zandra: Can’t you just go and give us the green light?

Helen: No. I’ll let you know when you can see me.

Zandra sighs. So do I, but for entirely different reasons. Look at Helen’s stern mouth and unimpressed eyebrows. Grrawrr.

Visiting hours — Zandra’s fiancĂ©, Robin, has come to say hello. Unfortunately (for Zandra, anyway), he hasn’t brought any drugs for her. She’s not happy, but she’s excited about the prospect of getting married, so she tells Robin she’s talked to the Gov. Robin thinks she’s crazy to want to get married in prison. What? No drugs, no prison weddings? What kind of boyfriend are you?

A breath of fresh air — Rachel is sitting on a bench in the yard. Nikki sits next to her and tries to warn her again about Fenner: “Listen, the man’s a pig. He’s got a wife, you know, and children.” Rachel insists that Fenner’s treated her better than anyone else at Larkhall.

Nikki: Face, it Rachel: All you are is his bit on the inside. ‘Cause in here, he can control you, do what he wants.

Nikki also tells Rachel she’s not the only one who gets to enjoy Fenner’s charms. Rachel looks a little startled, as if she hadn’t considered this. She says nothing, so Nikki says, “It’s your life” and leaves.

A new life — Zandra’s still trying to convince Robin that a prison wedding is a good idea. Robin says his parents won’t like it, and that’s a bigger deal to him now that his mother’s had a nervous breakdown. In fact, his mum’s state has changed his life: He even went to rehab and has been clean for nearly three weeks.

Robin: I feel like I’ve got my life back.

Zandra: So that’s why you didn’t bring me any skag. That’s great. I’m really pleased for you, Robin.

She’s not exactly sincere, in case you couldn’t tell. She’s even less pleased when Robin tells her she could give the stuff up too. “In here? Yeah, and the Pope buys French ticklers from Tesco’s.”

She’s saved by the bell: Visiting time is over, and Zandra’s glad to go.

Back in her cell, Zandra cries. Monica’s concerned, but Denny just tells her to knock it off. Dominic (the cute, nice guard) shows up and asks what’s wrong with her.

Denny: Pet cockroach got trod on.

Monica: Boyfriend trouble.

Same thing, really.

Dominic just says, “I see.” Silly Dominic: You see so little with those baby blues. Dominic’s not really there for Zandra anyway: He’s come to move Monica up to G-3. She’s not exactly appreciative when she gets there: She mocks the curtains (to be fair, they’re hideous) and says snidely, “I must have been such a good girl.”

Still, it’s sort of sad as she looks around her four walls. Monica, when you get out, can you please adopt me?

Meal time — Rachel asks for lasagne and chips. Shell gives her a teeny tiny portion. Rachel realizes that Fenner is behind her, so she asks for more food. Shell looks at Fenner, then Rachel, then Fenner, then Rachel — and then slops a slab of lasagne on Rachel’s plate. Fenner and Rachel exchange small smiles as Rachel finds a seat.

This is like some twisted version of my school cafeteria. Really, really twisted.

Helen saunters through. Jim asks, “Checking up on the troops?” Helen says she’s sure he’s doing a great job. But her tone says, “You foul bastard: Kindly remove your fetid face from my breathing space.” I don’t know why I’m so convinced that Fenner has chronic halitosis, but I’m absolutely certain.

Zandra and Nikki are next in line. Zandra, looking absolutely terrible, asks for some hot water. Nikki turns away from the serving area — and runs right into Miss Stewart. She starts to yell, not realizing who she’s collided with. When she does realize, there’s a moment of electricity as their eyes meet.

Nikki: Sorry.

Helen: No, my fault. [looking at Nikki’s tray] Oh, you finished Middlemarch.

Nikki: Something you want, Miss?

Helen: No, I don’t think so.

Nikki: Then if you don’t mind, I’m hungry.

Damn. That Wade sure can be cold when she wants to be.

As Nikki finds a seat, Fenner tells her to treat the Governor with more respect. He tells Helen that Nikki’s a hard case, just difficult for difficult’s sake.

Helen: Jim, I don’t need a bodyguard. I can handle the prisoners myself, thank you.

Damn. That Stewart sure can be cold when she wants to be.

Helen’s display of independence is not lost on Nikki. She watches her Governor go, then ducks her head down when she sees Fenner eyeing her.

Zandra and Denny’s cell — Denny is trying to pierce her own navel with a bit of wire. I love you, camera, for moving off that so quickly.

Oh, but the alternative isn’t better: Zandra’s throwing up. And the camera is, well, looking up from the bottom of the toilet, so it feels like she’s throwing up on my face! Was that really necessary?

It was your bloody idea in the first place — The two Julies are trying to talk Zandra out of the wedding thing. But she’s dead set on it. The Julies say she has “a bad case of ‘my man.'” Oh, her man, she loves him so; he’ll never know. All her life is just despair, but she don’t care. Zandra says it almost that well: “Oh, piss off, the pair of you. I’m gettin’ clean, and me and Robin are gettin’ married.”

OK, but you’re not gettin’ grammar.

Miss Stewart’s office — Helen tells Zandra that the wedding is not really her decision. It’s up to the governing Governor, Simon Stubberfield. And it wouldn’t matter if it were up to her anyway: She doesn’t see why she should reward Zandra for bringing drugs into Larkhall.

Zandra concedes: “Maybe that’s right.” But she explains that she hasn’t touched the stuff in “four bleeding days.” This seems to give Helen pause. She gets Zandra a glass of water and a second chance: She says she’ll arrange for detox, and if that works out, she’ll talk to the Number One about the wedding.

Helen: I’m offering you a chance to prove yourself, Zandra. Don’t let either of us down.

It’s so inspiring, I’m ready to sign up for detox myself. Do they have a caffeine program?

Rachel’s cell — Jim shows up for a little chit-chat. Rachel asks if he’s shagging any other prisoners. “Of course not,” says the repulsive Fenner. He asks her how she got that idea, and Rachel gives up the name: Nikki.

Fenner: Well, I’d watch out if I were you.

Rachel: What do you mean?

Fenner: Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? She’s got the hots for you. And she’s jealous. Of me.

It’s so sad: Every time Fenner offers up another load of lies, dim little Rachel seems to think, “Oh, I never thought of it that way.” Ugh.

Optimism unleashed — Zandra calls Robin to give him the good news: She’s kicking the s— and they’re gonna get married. But the way she says, “Babe, I love ya,” makes it clear that Robin’s not really convinced.

Rehab — Zandra’s already in a meeting. That was quick work, Miss Stewart! Zandra’s talking about her difficult childhood. Oh, wait: Helen’s actually leading the meeting. How many skills does she have, exactly? Well, I guess that stern expression is useful in many situations.

Someone else in the group asks about Robin’s parents. Zandra says they’re “dead posh” and they hate her — not just because she’s a user, but because she is who she is. Dump him, Zandra: I’m not convinced his opinion of you is much better than theirs.

The guards gab — Jim encourages Zandra, telling her detox is “good stuff” and she’ll be “drop-dead gorgeous in no time.” Hollamby, however, isn’t convinced. She says Helen should have been a missionary, “with her do-gooder ways,” and that Zandra’s just “working” Stewart:

Hollamby: There’s about as much chance of Plackett getting off the nasty as of Cliff Richard inviting me up to his hotel room for cream cakes and sex.

Fenner: You can dream, Sylvia.

Someone help me. Even the harshest prison cleaner couldn’t scrub that image from my brain.

Fenner agrees that Stewart’s got a lot to learn. And just to prove how much he himself has learned, he goes off to have a little chat with Shell. Little does he know that Helen is watching — and registering their closeness and body language.

More fresh air — The two Julies and Zandra take a stroll. They’re proud of her for getting off the stuff. Is Julie J. wearing leather trousers? Great: another image I’ll never get rid of.

Zandra asks them to make her a wedding dress. They’re only too happy to help.

Elsewhere, Monica calls Miss Stewart over to give her some good news: She’s sacked her solicitor and hired one who will actually help her form an appeal. Helen says she’s glad Monica’s staying positive. Monica says she owes it all to “some of the other women,” and looks pointedly at Nikki. As it happens, Nikki’s looking pointedly at Miss Stewart. Hey, Nikki: Your hair looks cute all wind-blown. Like a duckling’s butt. Awww.

New blood — Hollamby introduces Denny to her new roommate, Crystal. Denny doesn’t look impressed. I might be, because Crystal has brought her guitar. Wait: Are you telling me a guitar isn’t considered a weapon? Imagine all the throats you could cut with guitar string. Six, to be precise.

Hollamby offers Crystal some advice about Denny:

Hollamby: Just be careful how you look at her.

Crystal: Anybody better be careful how they look at me, or I’ll take their eye out.

Hollamby: Fine. Just as long as you clean up the mess afterwards.

Officer Hollamby! You just made me giggle. Now I’m all confused.

Denny grabs Crystal’s guitar, but Crystal grabs it right back: “That’s for the Lord’s music. Touch it again, and you better want to meet Him real soon.”

Shell shows up, acting friendly and sincere. You know that can only mean trouble. Crystal seems to fall for it a little, until Denny and Shell start to cuddle up. They kiss, but it’s clear that it’s mostly a challenge to Crystal.

And Crystal picks up the gauntlet:

Crystal:Will you two be so hot for each other when you’re burnin’ in hell? You should ask God to forgive you.

Shell: Bollocks. In here, I’m God. Remember it.

Taking care of business — Helen and Jim are doing paperwork and whatever else is involved in running a prison. You know, besides shagging the dim ones (if you’re Jim) or discussing George Eliot (if you’re Helen).

Before she lets Jim leave, Helen asks him about Michelle Dockley. She says he seems to get on well with her.

Jim: I like to think I get on with most of the girls in here.

Helen: Women, Jim. It’s not a Swiss finishing school.

Jim: No. So I’ve noticed. Is there a problem, Helen?

Helen: Not that I’m aware of. But your relationship with the women is pretty relaxed, isn’t it, Jim?

If by relaxed you mean “disgusting and entirely inappropriate,” then yes.

Jim rambles about his wealth of experience and says, sarcastically, “But you’re the boss.” Helen smiles and says yes, she is, even if he doesn’t like it.

She almost wins, but he gets in one more barb about “university graduates with virtually no experience” as he leaves. Next time, Helen, just kick him. Efficient and much more effective.

Starting a fight — Zandra’s back from her detox meeting. Denny is lying in wait for her. She tells Zandra that if she gets bored with detox, she just has to ask Crystal for the “good s—” she’s brought in. Zandra’s eyes sort of glaze over and she rushes to meet the new inmate.

Crystal is sitting on her bunk reading the Bible. Zandra realizes she’s been played and just sobs.

Hangin’ on the telephone — Nikki is trying to call Trish (her girlfriend). But she just gets the machine. She calls back and leaves a message, to the effect of “Where are you and why don’t you ever want to talk to me?” She ends it with “Love you, Trisha.” But she looks like she’s not so sure of that.

Another visit — Jeez, how often do these people get to see their loved ones? Her Majesty really does treat her subjects better than our King George does.

Robin tells Zandra she looks terrible, but then he seems to be proud of her for giving up the smack.

Who can it be knocking at my door? — Helen is paying Nikki a visit. Nikki’s reading Silas Marner.

Helen: More George Eliot? It’s good to see the women using the library.

Nikki: People in here aren’t stupid, you know. They’re a lot brighter than your screws, anyway.

Helen: My officers are trained professionals.

Nikki: Well, if Fenner’s anything to go by, you’d be better off training chimpanzees.

Helen: [smiling slightly] He reckons you’re a tough nut. Difficult for difficult’s sake, he says.

Nikki: Yeah. Well, I’m not in his fan club, am I.

Helen: What’s that supposed to mean?

Nikki: You work it out for yourself.

Helen: If Mr. Fenner’s conduct is less than professional, you’d better tell me, Nikki.

Nikki: Look, I’m nobody’s narc. Especially not yours.

Everything is so “one step forward, two steps back” with these two. Steps. Um. Wait. I got befuddled by all the pheromones in the air.

Helen leaves, looking disappointed. Nikki just sighs and goes back to her book.

Wedding preparations — The two Julies are working on Zandra’s dress. They joke that they should become fashion designers when they get out. Then they look at each other and say, “Nahhhh.”

Zandra’s still frolicking on her clouds of optimism. I don’t think detox usually has this effect on people, does it? What have they been giving her to bring her down?

Nikki shows up and finds it all very amusing. She asks Zandra why she wants to be “cuffed” to Robin for the rest of her life, and tells her she hopes Zandra will be happy. I just hope Zandra won’t look quite so much like a zombie on her wedding day.

Speaking of being cuffed to someone — Helen is helping Sean pot plants for his job. She says it’s quite relaxing; she can understand why some of “the women” enjoy working in the prison gardens. She tells Sean he should come and give a lecture someday. She’s just trying to find “the way in”:

Helen: There’s this woman on the wing. She’d be a great ally amongst the inmates if I could get her on my side. Trouble is, I’ve tried everything. She’s not interested. But she’s into gardening.

Sean: Let me guess: Nikki Wade. I know the prisoners are important to you, Helen, but that one’s becoming an obsession. Anyway, didn’t you say she was a lesbian?

Helen: [shrugging] Yeah. She is.

Sean: Well, maybe that’s your problem. You’re the right species, just the wrong variety. You like your gardeners to wear Y-fronts, don’t you?

Helen doesn’t reply, but she smiles and accepts a kiss on the cheek. Miss Stewart, you really don’t see how smitten you are, do you? Also, you really don’t see how much better your hair looks when you’re just chilling at home.

Meeting Crystal — Helen wants to know how Crystal’s first couple of weeks in Larkhall have been. Two weeks have passed? Think of all the lingering looks we’ve missed.

Crystal says she knows she’s done wrong — by shoplifting — but she also knows “white gits” don’t get twelve months for what she’s done. True dat.

Crystal complains about all the drug use at Larkhall. Helen feels her pain. Sort of. She’s also not taking Crystal’s attitude.

The officer’s lounge — Helen asks Jim and Sylvia to keep an eye on Crystal and report on her activities — before the end of the week. Jim says he’s sure he can do a report by the end of the week; he’s just not used to being told what to put in it. After Helen leaves, he slams the door and lets his true colors show:

Jim: I swear I’m gonna swing for that cow someday.

Sylvia: You’ll get in line like the rest of us.

Oh, you wish. Just try it: Helen’s quick. She’ll duck. And then she’ll sack you.

Still dreaming — Zandra’s still all google-eyed about her wedding plans. Crystal says the whole idea is stupid, and they’re all having too much fun in general. “We’re in here ’cause we done wrong. And what do we get? Karaoke, TV, cookery, drugs and weddings. That ain’t what I call punishment.”

That’s what I’ve been saying! Lock me up: I’m ready, Miss Stewart.

Stunning — Zandra tries on the dress the Julies have made for her. I guess it’s pretty, but the top of it sort of looks like a mop. Considering who made the dress, it very well might be.

Zandra asks the Julies to be her bridesmaids. They’re thrilled, and then they freak: “Bridesmaids’ dresses!”

I read the news today — Monica is scanning the newspaper. She stops Helen to deliver some startling news: an engagement announcement. Robin is engaged, but not to Zandra.

Helen finds Zandra and takes her to her office. She delivers the news as gently as she can, but of course Zandra falls apart.

Well. Let the smack hunt begin.

Planting the seed — Monica and Nikki are chatting on the stairs again. That seems so dangerous. One dangling participle, and you’ll trip down to your death!

Shell and Denny pass by and make a crack about Nikki and her new “girlfriend.” Nikki tells Shell to pay attention to her own love life, because Jim’s got his eye on a “younger model.”

Denny goes to Rachel’s cell and tells her Fenner’s on his way. But of course it’s a smoke screen, to set Rachel up for a beating from Shell. Rachel panics and offers Shell her bracelet, but Shell slaps her around a little anyway. Shell scares me.

Jim drops by just in time to see Rachel sobbing. He deposits her on her cot and then goes to Shell’s cell to profess his loyalty to her. Shell’s cell. Shell’s cell. That’s hard!

In the lunch/dinner/whatever line, Rachel collapses. Shell calls after her: “Don’t worry, Rachel. I’ll come and visit ya.” Scary, I tell you.

Helen’s office — Robin is there to explain himself to Zandra. She freaks, of course, to the point of grabbing a pen off Helen’s desk and attacking him. Helen gets all butch and restrains her. If only Officer Hollamby weren’t there; it would almost be sexy. Well, and I’d want to get rid of Robin and Zandra too. And then there’d be nobody left for Helen to restrain but me.

Summing things up — Zandra’s crying in her cell. Denny says, “That’s why I don’t have nothin’ to do with men. They’re s—.” I don’t really think Robin’s much of an example of anything, but I hear you anyway, Denny.

Zandra reveals that she can’t quite be free of Robin yet: “I’m havin’ his baby.” What a wonderful way to tell him you’re really careless.

Night calls — The women shout support for Zandra: “Who needs men when you have IVF?” And Shell yells that she’s looking forward to Rachel’s return to G-Wing. No calls from Nikki; she’s probably reading Eliot again, or dreaming about a certain Wing Governor.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Zandra goes to a clinic; things get even more dire for Rachel.

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