Bad Girls Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Love Rivals”

THIS WEEK'S RAP SHEET:

The victim: Rachel throws herself at Fenner — and in harm's way.
The vigilante: Nikki goes her own way, even when Helen's in her path.
The visionary: Zandra's drug-addled brain locks onto the idea of a Larkhall weddding.

Speedy delivery — An inmate — one I don't think we've seen before — is doing some gardening. Suddenly a little packet flies over the prison wall and plops into the garden. The prisoner quickly covers it with dirt.

Cut to several hand-offs of the packet, until it finally makes its way to a gleeful Zandra. This time she doesn't crutch it (whew); she just slips it under her shirt. And when she gets to her cell, she slips it into her veins.

Oh, Zandra. If the de-crutching by Denny didn't teach you anything, what will?

Monica comes back to the cell to find a sky-high Zandra. She starts to scold her, but Zandra says she wouldn't be doing drugs if she didn't have to. I hear you, Zandra: It's like recapping. It's hell when I can't find the right words or can't find a single funny thing to say, but the bigger hell is not having a show to recap at all. See? Just like drugs, but without the debilitating side effects, jail time and communicable diseases. Otherwise, no real differences.

Monica: You're going to kill yourself.
Zandra: So. What's it to you?

Before Monica can convince Zandra she cares, Officer Hollamby shows up with the pre-screened post. I think that might be even worse than the cockroaches — someone reading my mail, I mean. I wonder if they read your e-mail now too? Imagine that: Hollamby online. Shudder.

Hollamby gives Monica an "ooh, get her" look and then says, "Something on your mind?" Monica pauses, then looks away and says, "No, Miss." Hollamby's mug gets even more smug, if that's possible.

Helen's flat — There's Helen. In a towel. But there's Sean, bringing me down just as soon as I get all fizzed up. Go away, Yawn.

Helen asks Sean what they're going to do today; she has the day off. So Yawn flops Helen onto the bed and says he wants to keep her prisoner. She squeals like a little girl, but it only makes me love her more.

Helen thanks Sean for being there when she needs to talk about Fenner and everyone else. Sean tells her to face the fact that she's stuck with Fenner, just as Fenner's stuck with her. Helen seems to take his advice very seriously. Oh, Helen, do you really think your situation is anything like Fenner's? He doesn't have to go home to a whinging landscaper who doesn't appreciate him.

The Larkhall library — Nikki is engrossed in Middlemarch. Rachel appears to be browsing the romance section. As if to demonstrate its antithesis, Fenner shuffles in.

Fenner: Rachel, you got a minute?
Nikki: [overhearing] Jesus. You get around, don't you?

Rachel says yes, of course she has a minute for her dear Jim. Fenner suggests they go somewhere else. Before he leaves, he stops to give Nikki some friendly advice:

Fenner: Listen to me, you interfering dyke. Just keep that snout of yours where it belongs, or you're gonna end up shagging the end of my boot. OK?
Nikki: You really know how to talk to a woman, don't you, Fenner?

Fenner just leaves. Heh.

Fenner and Rachel go to Rachel's cell so she can give him a blow job. That almost looks preferable to kissing him: What is wrong with this guy? He kisses like a chimp.

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