“Pretty Little Liars” recap (7.9): The Kahn Job

Last night was the penultimate episode of Season 7A, and so much happened but also nothing happened. We pick up with the Liars, who have just found out that Hanna skipped town. We then cut to Hanna in her revenge AirBnB laying out a hammer, duct tape, and some rope. Hanna then sets up her video camera and records a message for the cops. I’m Hanna Marin, and this is my audition tape for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge! Spencer Googles (sorry, xsters!) Noel Kahn in the hopes of finding his address, when Marco stops by. He tells her that Archer Dunhill has fled to France, which is news to Spencer because the last time she saw him, he was worm food in the Rosewood forest. Now that the case is out of RPD jurisdiction, Marco is hoping to get some elevator time with Spencer, but she tells him that now is not the best time. Over at the Brew, Emily finds Sabrina making a red velvet cake for Noel Kahn. She promptly freaks out and warns Sabrina not to do business with Noel, and Sabrina is like, “Not even a fucking cake tho?” Sabrina tries to get answers, but Emily has to go for her second swim coach interview. I’m protecting you! Vaguely and threateningly protecting you! Honestly, you’re so attractive, I’m only picking up 15% of everything you say. Paige and Emily are filling out their job applications, but Emily is struggling with the whole arrest/crime conviction portion of the app. Hasn’t Emily held down, like, 40 different jobs throughout this series? How has she not encountered this problem before? Paige assures her that the principal knows all about her past, and wouldn’t have invited her to apply if he cared. Let’s be real: Rosewood High standards are LOW. They even let Alison DiLaurentis teach, and she literally never graduated from high school. So I listed finger blasting under special skills, but should I put it before or after Microsoft Office proficiency? Paige and Emily walk through the halls, reminiscing about high school. Paige wishes she could go back, but Emily isn’t interested in reliving the four seasons of stalking and murder. Paige asks Emily to hang out, but Emily tells her she has plans with Sabrina. Paige pretends not to know this (despite seeing them through the window), and Emily says that while Sabrina is nice, she doesn’t see a future with her. Emily doesn’t want to tell Sabrina about her past, maybe because it would take at least 20 days and an extensive Powerpoint presentation to get through it. Don’t you wish you could come back to Rosewood High as a confident, out lesbian? This school came to life and tried to eat me once, so nah, I’m good Emily tells Paige that the A game is happening all over again, and Paige tells her that whoever she is dating needs to know what Emily is up against. If only there were someone in Emily’s life who knew her troubled backstory and understood her. Someone like Paige. Or Ali. OR Hanna Marin. Aria runs into Jasus Christ Superstar, who asks her about the fire at Aunt Carol’s house. Aria confesses that she was there and reveals to Jason that Mary Drake had a second child. Together they go to the family courts to uncover the adoption forms of the mystery baby. While waiting at the courthouse, Aria flashes back to her hazy, sunlit days in bed with shirtless Jasus. In the flashback, he invites her to go to Ethiopia with him and volunteer, but eventually she turns him down to take the publishing job. Why? Because the company published Ezra’s book and she’s still looking to reconnect with him. Gross. Across town, Hanna tails Noel Kahn and spies him tossing some trash in a dumpster. She digs out the trash bag and finds Sara Harvey’s cell phone. We know this phone is Sara’s because the home screen pic is a selfie, and no one else on this show likes Sara enough to make her their wallpaper. What kind of monster uses their own picture as a background screen?! Meanwhile, Spencer tracks down Noel Kahn’s address, which turns out to be his family’s cabin in the woods…the very same woods where Hanna was held captive. Ugh, how are y’all still so bad at this mystery solving thing? It’s been seven seasons—get your lives together! Spencer and Emily return to the murder cabin, the famous site of glass in hair, ghost shutters, and grand theft auto by Hanna. SO many memories. Spencer smashes a security camera, and they break into the house. After rifling through all the drawers, Spencer finds a wooden box sporting the same stamp on it that Maya had on her wrist. REMEMBER MAYA?! WERE WE EVER SO YOUNG? They find a flash drive in the box and pop it into Noel’s laptop. On it are folders for all the Liars, with security cam footage of them at the dollhouse. Spencer watches as Noel Kahn pours fake blood on her, tricking her into thinking she killed someone. Oof, this guy. I bet he picked out those hideous prom dresses too! Back at the courthouse, the clerk won’t give Jason the adoption files. Aria then spills Jason’s tragic life story/family history, and the clerk relents, thinking that they are engaged. She promises to fax them the file later when she finds it. LOL faxing, remember that? Hanna texts Noel from Sara’s phone, telling him to meet her at a bar. She buys some roofies and pours them in a beer, waiting for Noel to arrive. Throughout this whole covert op, Hanna has been disguising herself with…a baseball cap. She’s trying, guys. Spencer and Emily tell Aria about the dollhouse vids, and instead of A) uploading them to the Cloud B) posting them on YouTube or C) rushing them to the police station, they decide to wait until Hanna returns so they can all turn in the evidence together. UGHHHHH how much evidence has to be stolen for you dum-dums to make some copies?! It reminds of that time that Spencer thought she was so fucking smart by hiding evidence in her fucking chair and of course the chair was the first thing A went through? So what you’re saying is…this isn’t gum? Because I asked you for gum. Also, Sabrina shows up with cupcakes and Emily is like, “I’m busy with my friends and our secrets, get out of my clubhouse BYE!” and Sabrina is like, “Cool, I’ll just go fuck myself then.” The Liars realize that Hanna is hunting Noel, and try to track her down, but Spencer has to go home because her mom’s car alarm is going off. Aria goes to check on Jason, and Emily sits and wonders what happened to this thing she called a life while eating fistfuls of red velvet cupcake. Noel shows up at the bar, and Hanna brings him a spiked beer and an offer. She tells Noel that they are both suspects in Sara’s murder and that they can be each other’s alibis. Noel sees through her plan, nabs Sara’s phone, and storms out, leaving Hanna with both beers. Here’s to cheap booze, cheap women, and cheap roofiesDAMMITHANNA! A storm rolls through Rosewood, knocking out power throughout the neighborhood. Spencer is alone in her house, re-watching the dollhouse footage when a tree crashes through the window. She sees a shadowy figure and grabs a knife. Just then, Marco arrives, scaring the intruder off, but not before they steal the flash drive WITH ALL THE EVIDENCE. Over at the DiLaurentis house, Jasus and Aria wait for the urgent fax from the court house. Aria worries about Nicole and her possible future with Ezra, but Jasus comforts her and tells her that Ezria is meant to be. Guys, I’m really feeling Jaria right now. Or Arson. OMG, THEY COULD BE ARSON! Ezra texts saying that Nicole wasn’t one of the hostages, and he’s coming home. Aria cries tears of joy over Nicole’s death, and Jasus gets the fax, but most of the file is redacted. The only name on the fax is Judge Kahn, Noel’s father. All signs point to Noel being the missing baby, which means he most likely isn’t. Aria, remember that time we walked together on the beach, but there was only one set of footprints in the sand? Yeah, you made me give you a piggy back ride for 45 minutes. What the fuck was that about? Marco fixes Spencer’s window, and then she asks him to stay with her. They cuddle on the couch, and I don’t completely hate it. Emily calls Paige and tells her that Noel is evil. She invites Paige over, while Sabrina waits alone at the Brew. Noel finds Hanna’s cap on the ground outside his cabin, and Hanna comes running up behind him and clocks him in the back of the head with a baseball bat and yells, “It’s over bitch.” It is glorious. BOOM goes the dynamite Next week, we’ve got the return of Mona, Jenna and Toby, as well as some blind gun wielding shenanigans. Someone is getting shot—I just hope it isn’t one of the queers. What did you think of last night’s episode? Tweet me your feels @ChelseaProcrast