“Pretty Little Liars” recap (7.8): The Return of Paige McCullers

Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was a swirling tornado of lesbian feelings, and I’m not just talking about Hanna and Caleb. We open at night in the town square, where the Liars and Caleb are arguing about A.D. Hanna is convinced that Noel Kahn is the puppet master, but none of her friends believe her despite A) Ali telling them that Noel pushed a sorority girl down the stairs, B) that time he hid under a sheet like a goddamn ghost, and C) his generally creepy demeanor. If I see one more Donald Trump headline, I am checking myself into Wellby! Hanna storms off frustrated, and Caleb follows her. Just as he tries to calm her down, Noel comes speeding down the street and runs over our favorite hobo! Hanna screams and wakes up–it was all just a dream. That is the last time I’m doing mushrooms with Emily! Hanna rushes over to Caleb’s room to make sure he isn’t roadkill, and he tells her that the code he’s trying to crack has something to do with DNA. He gives her a bug-free untraceable cell phone that I assume he got from Felix from Orphan Black. Across town, Emily comforts Aria, who is flipping out over the Nicole situation. Ezra walks in right as she’s talking about lying, and Aria is forced to come clean about deleting Nicole’s call. Ezra is immediately pissy and put out, WHICH IS RICH because he lied/stalked the Liars for years to write his fucking book. The whole time Emily stands awkwardly in the background, as she often does when straight couples fight around her. This girl needs some gay friends, STAT. I wonder what those gay bachelorettes are up to… Emily then bounces over to the Brew to meet Ali, who is returning to teach at Rosewood High. Emily doesn’t think she’s ready to go back to school, but Ali is broke as a joke and needs to make some money. After Ali leaves, Sabrina gives Em a cup of coffee and reminds us that they are still a thing. Are they, though? Emily bumps into Principal Hackett who tells her that the high school is hiring a new swim coach, and she should consider applying. Emily as a P.E. teacher is truly the fulfillment of her lesbian destiny. I mean, I’m already wearing this whistle around my neck! Let’s role play this once my shift ends Team Sparia tracks down Dr. Cochran and drives to their office, only to find that this doc is the daughter of the doc they are looking for. Apparently Doc Senior is an OBGYN who lost his license, and Doc Junior encourages them not to look for him. She also asks if they are “in trouble” and Spencer is like LOLOLOLOLOLOL I’m never having sex again. Aria is pregnant with my child. #SpariaBaby Ali goes back to Rosewood High, mere days after escaping the mental hospital where her evil fiancée held her captive. She’s ready for some normalcy, but when she walks into class, all of her students are wearing black hoodies. DUN DUN DUN! Real talk: does everyone in Rosewood know about the black hoodie thing? Like, is it common knowledge? Either way, Ali is so distraught that she pukes in the bathroom. These kids must have really wiped out the local American Apparel Later, she meets up with Emily, who asks her if she’d be okay with Emily applying for the coaching job. Ali assures her that she’d love to work together and encourages her to pursue the job. Emily feels guilty for telling Aria to delete the Nicole call and decides to go reason with Ezra, which is pointless and who even cares. Ezra continues to mansplain his feels over his supposedly dead girlfriend to Emily Fucking Fields who has buried/resurrected more girlfriends than a lesbian Dr. Frankenstein. Ugh, Era. No one cares about your man pain. Coach Fields? I’d like to do some laps with you, if you know what I mean I can help you with your breast stroke Hanna is home working on her fashion stuff when her cattle prod scar starts tingling like she’s Harry Potter. She has some PTSD flashbacks of the barn, when someone knocks on the door. It’s The Grunwald! She returned to this plane of existence to tell Hanna she had a bad feeling about her, so Hanna does the only thing you can do with a ghost in Rosewood: she takes her to the Radley for a drink. I hear the wailing of tormented souls trapped between worlds I know, this new Lana Del Rey track is killing me Hanna and Grunwald have drinks at the Radley, where Grunwald is overwhelmed with the deafening screams of tortured souls of Radley past. She tells Hanna that she feels a darkness brewing over her and Caleb, and as if on cue, Noel appears at the bar. Hanna drops her wine glass, and it shatters, bringing Noel over. While he smirks at Hanna, Grunwald’s nose starts bleeding because of ALL THE EVIL. This is all the evidence Hanna needs to confirm Noel’s guilt. World’s worst threesome Doc Junior calls Spencer and rails on her for ransacking her office. Spencer tries to defend herself, but instead Doc Junior gives her all the deets on her dad and tells her to leave her alone. Spencer grabs Aria, and they head off to Doc Senior’s apartment with a bottle of whiskey. Ali teaches The Winter’s Tale to her students, and they discuss themes of trolling and false accusations. The principal calls her into his office DURING CLASS just to check on her, and Ali assures him that she’s healthy and ready to work. He also tells Alison DiLaurentis that teens can be cruel! Ali! Teens! Cruelty! Karma is a fireworks-wielding bitch! Ali is distracted by a file cabinet with school records, and breaks in later to steal Noel’s file. Unfortunately, A.D. beat her to it and left a note calling her a bitch. I wonder how many “nice try, bitch!” notes are scattered throughout all the hidey holes of Rosewood? Wow, I barely graduated high school. I should not be teaching here. Hanna assembles the Liars at her place to fill them in on her bad dreams, the Grunwald, and mystical nose bleeds. The Liars are (rightly) confused by her ramblings, and Hanna is frustrated that the Liars can’t just hop into her dreamscape and catch the fuck up. She also calls Emily Pam, which is not an insult because Pam is dope now and has more gay friends than Emily. Team Sparia show up at the dingy apartment of Doc Senior and bribe their way in with whiskey. Doc leers at them before Spencer tells him to “curb the perv” a catchphrase that is sure to sweep the nation. Man, of all the times for Freeform to not hashtag something so taggable! Doc tells them about his days as Radley’s resident doctor/fixer, where patients were tortured, and everyone was treated like garbage. He recalls Mary Drake’s first child, a boy, who he gave to Jessica. Then he tells them about a second child that was sent to foster care. As time went on, he got fired, Radley was closed, and everything became ancient history. Before they leave, he tells them to pass a message to his daughter that she can’t run from family. Okay, good talk. Hey girl, long time SPLOOSH Emily shows up at the high school for her job interview, where she runs into another candidate: Paige McCullers. Welcome back, Paige! Emily and Paige grab a drink, and we find out what McCullers has been up to in the five-year time jump. Apparently, Paige and Emily shacked up together at Stanford and were loving it up until Emily’s dad died. Emily’s grief spiral caused her to drop out of school and end their relationship, which is sadder than sad. After their break-up, Paige was training for the Olympics when a car accident damaged her knee and ruined her chances. Is it true you slept with Katie Ledecky?! Paige McCullers only bangs champions Cheers to us fucking later They both commiserate over dashed dreams and second chances, and clink glasses. Later that night, Emily hangs out with Sabrina while Paige watches from outside the window. If PLL brought Paige back just to make her a villain, I will throw my TV out the window. Over in a less interesting storyline, Aria cashed in her Italian elopement tickets for a one way trip to Colombia for Ezra so he can find Nicole. She takes him to the airport, and they kiss and then Aria forlornly looks at her wedding dress and this is so boring, but Ezra is off the continent so yay? Let’s raise a glass for Aria and Ezra…LOLOLOLOLOL JK COULD YOU EVEN IMAGINE How much wine do we have to drink to erase that storyline? Ali shows the Liars the note from A.D. in Noel’s file, and Hanna has had enough Goddammit! She storms out, make a highly suspect phone call to someone about a deal being on. She swings by Caleb’s room to tell him she’ll be off the grid in New York for a few days, which LOL New York is the least “off the grid” place on the planet. They hug goodbye and almost kiss before she runs off into the night. Hanna then makes her way to an empty apartment and tapes newspaper over the windows. Somewhere, Lucas is waiting patiently for her business plan. Spencer’s family has been gone for so long she’s looking at photos of them longingly Spencer sits at home, flipping through her old family album and looking at baby pics. I’m guessing that either she or Melissa are Mary Drake’s secret second kid. Only two more episodes to go! What did you think of last night’s episode? Tweet me your feels @ChelseaProcrast Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. Just thinking about doing these recaps without you makes my nose bleed.