“Pretty Little Liars” recap (7.8): The Return of Paige McCullers

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Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was a swirling tornado of lesbian feelings, and I’m not just talking about Hanna and Caleb. We open at night in the town square, where the Liars and Caleb are arguing about A.D. Hanna is convinced that Noel Kahn is the puppet master, but none of her friends believe her despite A) Ali telling them that Noel pushed a sorority girl down the stairs, B) that time he hid under a sheet like a goddamn ghost, and C) his generally creepy demeanor.

13If I see one more Donald Trump headline, I am checking myself into Wellby!

Hanna storms off frustrated, and Caleb follows her. Just as he tries to calm her down, Noel comes speeding down the street and runs over our favorite hobo! Hanna screams and wakes up–it was all just a dream.

22That is the last time I’m doing mushrooms with Emily!

Hanna rushes over to Caleb’s room to make sure he isn’t roadkill, and he tells her that the code he’s trying to crack has something to do with DNA. He gives her a bug-free untraceable cell phone that I assume he got from Felix from Orphan Black.

Across town, Emily comforts Aria, who is flipping out over the Nicole situation. Ezra walks in right as she’s talking about lying, and Aria is forced to come clean about deleting Nicole’s call. Ezra is immediately pissy and put out, WHICH IS RICH because he lied/stalked the Liars for years to write his fucking book. The whole time Emily stands awkwardly in the background, as she often does when straight couples fight around her. This girl needs some gay friends, STAT.

55I wonder what those gay bachelorettes are up to…

Emily then bounces over to the Brew to meet Ali, who is returning to teach at Rosewood High. Emily doesn’t think she’s ready to go back to school, but Ali is broke as a joke and needs to make some money. After Ali leaves, Sabrina gives Em a cup of coffee and reminds us that they are still a thing. Are they, though? Emily bumps into Principal Hackett who tells her that the high school is hiring a new swim coach, and she should consider applying. Emily as a P.E. teacher is truly the fulfillment of her lesbian destiny.

76I mean, I’m already wearing this whistle around my neck!

78Let’s role play this once my shift ends

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