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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.09): What the Duck Was That?

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane went to prison. Maura tattooed her beforehand. Half of Cagney & Lacey showed up. And there was a puppy.

So instead of solving a new murder this week, the gang must prove an old murder. It’s a classic Law & Order: Something Has Gone Wrong With the Evidence Unit case. In this case, the cutting board with crucial blood evidence is suddenly missing from the evidence locker.

Everyone is perplexed by this development. Maura is also perplexed that Jane calls their remaining evidence a “Hail Mary” because according to its etymology the phrase is something we don’t get to find out because impatient Jane is being impatient Jane.

In court, the judge gives the team the weekend to find the missing cutting board or she will be forced to throw out the case. So now it’s a race against time and sleep to stop a killer from going free. Though, if looks could kill, Jane would have already given the man a death sentence.

So now the show turns in 24, but with more hours and less Kiefer Sutherland torturing people. Fueled by honey walnut shrimp (minus some shrimp) and coffee, the team discovers that the evidence was stolen in a targeted robbery.

While they’re doing that, Kent is playing with his duck. Yes, Kent continues to be the weirdest. Look, I know I’ve said it a million times, but I will never, ever understand why they felt the need to replace Senior Criminalist Susie Chang with this guy.

And now, in a desperate attempt to get us to like him they’re trying to make him an animal lover or something. Guys, you already told us he taxidermies little mice and dresses them up in seasonal costume as decoration. We’re not fooled by this PETA act of rescuing a duck. Neither is Korsak.

In the land of the increasingly sleep deprived, Frankie is multi-tasking — chasing down leads and trying out magic tricks. He bought a kit to impress Nina with because she likes magic. See, now that’s actually sweet. Though it seems like all the coupley cuteness has been going to Straightzzoli of late. I feel like we haven’t seen the Adorable Bickersons in ages.

Alas, instead we have to go look at insulation—literally. They figure out the heist was an elaborate project that involved getting someone on a construction crew, cutting through the walls and creating a fake air vent entry.

Uh, not to tell people how to run their business—but maybe pay a tad more attention to what your workers are doing? Because, regardless of what the Shawshank Redemption tries to tell us, digging a tunnel through a building seems like conspicuous work.

A very tired Jane goes to check in with Maura because even while on the clock these two need to touch base. Maura tries to convince her to take a quick nap. Someone wants to sneak a little snuggle into the workday. But Jane says she doesn’t have time to be the little spoon. Please, you know she is the little spoon.

Kent is now annoying Mama Rizzoli with his duck inside the Dirty Robber. Look, if I can’t bring my dog into a restaurant he can’t bring a duck. This isn’t France, OK. Then Kent compares himself to a nursing mother. No, dude. Nope. Uh-uh. Oh no, you don’t. Well, at least the show keeps finding new and unusual ways for me to hate Kent.

Like even the waitress can’t stand this guy. And she has only known him for three seconds.

So now the team goes to track down the woman who posed as a construction worker and stole the cutting board. They find her and the board — burned to a cinder. So that’s not helpful and neither is she. But her ring with a rare stone is because the original murder was all part of a gem theft ring.

Still, without the physical evidence, the case is now stymied. Maura is particularly incensed by this because, as you can tell by her neckwear, she was looking forward to a little light bondage play with Jane after work. You know, like Fifty Shades of Grey—except actually sexy.

Instead of undressing Jane, Maura settles for dressing her instead. She offers her a fresh shirt further proving that one of the biggest fringe benefits to being in a relationship with a woman means doubling your wardrobe immediately. This is also a chance for Maura to get her girlfriend into something other than her standard-issue primary color T-shirts. You just know she kept this crazy thing in her office just in case the opportunity arose to expand Jane’s color palate.

So now everyone is going crazy with the sleep deprivation. Korsak is drinking worm coffee. Frankie is stinking up magic tricks. Everyone is yawning. Good thing we have Jane’s loud shirt to wake everyone up a little.

Kent shows up with his duck, now dubbed Rihanna for no apparent reason, on a blinged-out leash. He is proud of himself for nursing her back to health. Maura suggests he get more human friends. Then he shoves a yoga flyer into her hand as a sign of his “concern” for her. No, Kent—she didn’t mean she’d be your human friend. She tells him he’ll have to let go of that dream—and the duck.

The team, plus Duck Dad, return to the crime scene and discover the skylight was the point of entry. They find some blood on the frame and it’s a race to get DNA results before court starts in 58 minutes. If I’ve learned anything from watching TV cop shows over the years, it’s that DNA results are as easy and fast to develop like a Polaroid picture. No problem-O.

But wait, twist! In court the judge refuses to grant them more time and the case is dismissed without prejudice. Oh no. They lost. However can this be? Jane never loses. She must be devastated. How will Maura console her? Does she still have those silk restraints? But wait, Jane is smiling! I bet she’s thinking about those very same silk restraints.

OK, she’s also thinking about the clever little ploy they pulled to draw his partner out. The new evidence from the skylight will put him away. So now Jane has to go chase another bad guy. So it’s time to suit up with the Ponytail of Righteous Justice and kick some ass. Well, to be more accurate, some lower calf region. Jane slings a baton at him and this case is closed.

Also, anyone check out how Jane lifted that baton from the lady officer running alongside her? That was so smooth Maura should maybe be a little jealous.

So it’s time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending, but instead, Maura has to soothe some Hurt Man Feelings first. Kent is feeling blue about letting Rihanna go. I mean, the duck didn’t even thank him. Not even one quack. How ungrateful. Maura says that’s stupid on multiple levels because a) ducks can’t express complex human emotions verbally, and b) Rihanna is probably a dude duck anyway.

Maura gives him a metaphorical cookie and says he’s a good person. She even shares a glass of the wine she keeps specifically in her office for her and Jane after hours with him. That is how desperate she is to get him to leave. She also thanks him for his help during “this really awful time.” Finally, the male ego has been properly sated. Can we move on, please?

Jane and Maura are at the Dirty Robber. Mama R slides Jane a Blue Moon and Maura spouts approximate statistics about sleep deprivation. Jane is excited she had finally found a factoid Maura does not know exactly. But Maura says it is only because Guinness doesn’t keep those records anymore. So Jane calls her a robot. And then Maura does the robot.

Jane teases her about not knowing how to do the robot, and Maura says she does because Jane taught her. Yeah, sometimes I just type directly what happens because you really can’t improve on the truth. Also, can we please find the footage of Jane teaching Maura the robot? Pretty please?

But then our Big Gayzzoli Ending gets interrupted with a Big Straightzzoli Ending. Yeah, yeah—Frankie is putting on a magic show for Nina. Adorable. He thanks Jane for teaching him everything he knows. Maura nods in approval because she knows all about Jane’s “magic fingers.” Jane, in turn, says she learned her magic tricks from her high school “boyfriend”—but she meant actual magic tricks because that is what they did together instead of other, um, stuff. Maura nods again and confirms that he was also cute because she even gets retroactive beard approval.

And then they spend the rest of the episode discussing how to get men to disappear.

So next, watch me pull these #gayzzoli tweets of the week out of a hat. And we all agree this episode needed more Maura, less duck. And no, we’re not talking about the preview with Maura’s “ex-husband.” We are NOT.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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