Welcome back to Lakewood, where blondes are outliving brunettes for the first time in horror history. Last week our prayers were answered with Hailey’s bloody death, and Piper Shaw’s long-missing body was discovered. This week opens with Maggie performing Piper’s autopsy. Dudes, I know Lakewood is a small town and there aren’t a lot of medical examiners, but are we sure it’s not a breach of ethics to perform the autopsy of your secret daughter, whom your not-secret daughter shot in the face? Piper has a fresh wound stitched up on her sternum; when Maggie opens it, she discovers that Piper’s heart has been replaced with that of a pig.
Emma finally makes an appearance in Audrey’s bedroom, but not for fun reasons. Audrey confesses that she knew all along Piper was Emma’s half-sister, but she never believed Piper could be the killer because they were together when Rachel died. (Not like that.) (Maybe like that.) Emma says that even if Audrey didn’t know Piper’s hobbies included recreational decapitation, she knew bringing her to Lakewood would hurt Emma, so either she meant to do that or she just didn’t care.
I swear I had no idea those edible underwear weren’t organic.
Sheriff Gustavo’s Dad still hasn’t seen his son since their fight. He tells Deputy Not Dwayne to keep an eye out for Gustavo. Who cares about Gustavo? The real question is, where is Deputy Dwayne? The people need answers!
Miguel suspects that the new Ghostface is the same as the old Ghostface – in other words, it’s their high school boogeyman, Brandon James, avenging his daughter’s death. He says it’s the only explanation for why the killer seems to know “what we did.” Even if Brandon survived being shot and left for dead, which Maggie doubts, she doesn’t believe he would kill a bunch of people, except for that one time when he killed a bunch of people.
Flashback time! We haven’t had one of these in a while! Teenage Maggie knocks on Teenage Miguel’s window in the middle of the night and shows him… something under a tree. Aside from being blond, Teenage Maggie looks about as unlike Adult Maggie as is humanly possible. Maggie’s had some work done.
Zoe’s not in class, which worries Noah, because she loves school almost as much as she loves deflowering lizard people.
If you don’t come to class and take notes, how can we incorporate your meticulously color-coded study guide into our foreplay?
He gets a text saying she’s at “their spot” thinking over the events of the previous night. Noah goes to meet her, but whoever has Zoe’s phone sends him on a scavenger hunt. He follows all the directions and wins the grand prize: getting stabbed in the stomach by Ghostface.
Audrey asks Emma for her help finding Noah, who’s not picking up his phone. As they’re talking, she gets a video message of Noah, followed by a call from the killer. Noah is buried alive, and they have to find him before he runs out of air. Oh, and obviously if they tell anybody else what’s going on, Noah is toast.
Noah comes to in his coffin, with a camera recording what may be his final moments. Like everyone who’s ever appeared on reality TV, he tries to stay calm and play it cool for the camera. But when he thinks he hears someone calling his name, he forgets he’s being filmed and totally loses his shit, also like everyone who’s ever appeared on reality TV. So much for conserving oxygen.