TV

The L Word Recaps 4.6 “Luck Be a Lady”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Phones: You can’t spit without hitting one.

Sign language: A not-so-subtle seduction.

Revelations: Almost as omnipresent as phones.

THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Kristanna Loken offers comfort and comfort food; Heather Matarazzo sees what Jenny’s parts really add up to; Cybill Shepherd is obsessed; Sandrine Holt raises the stakes.

Shane’s looking very appalled today – Shane is staring at herself. Not in a narcissistic way like Joyce Wischnia or in a dog-killing way like Jenny, but in a look-at-yourself-in-your-underwear way. She’s standing between two Hugo Boss people who are singing the praises of the ad campaign, which sports the tagline “You’re looking very Shane today.”

And tomorrow night the campaign (and the posters of Shane in her skivvies) will be revealed at the Roll the Dice premiere. Shane says she’s not sure she can get a babysitter in time. But the Hugo Boss reps insist: “You’d better be there, looking very Shane. It’s the biggest party of the year, and you’re our newest It girl. Don’t you wanna just die?!”

The Hugo Boss rep who says – rather, screeches – that line is funny in the way that Toxic Tonya was. Ah, Tonya. I don’t really miss her, but the mere mention of her reminds me of Dana, and that does send me into fits of nostalgia.

Anyway, I think Shane’s answer is yes, she does want to just die. And preferably not in her underwear.

Some important things to know – This episode was written and directed by Angela Robinson. She directed D.E.B.S. If you haven’t seen that film, let me try to give you a feel for her style: It’s sort of comic book meets Mod Squad (the old TV show, not the lame movie) meets Alias meets the blaxploitation films of the ’70s meets … well, that’s enough meeting. In the opening scene, there are lots of split screens and phones and ping-ponging dialogue and general coolness. I’ll try to keep up, but these first 14 minutes or so might defy narrative form. And by defy, I mean exceed, surpass, transcend: They’re brilliant.

Ladies, start your cell phones – Alice calls Shane for advice about Phyllis, who can’t seem to accept that Alice doesn’t want to see her anymore. Shane says it’s no surprise because Alice was Phyllis’ first. (And as you yourself said, Alice, you’re a really good first. And probably second, third and fourth.)

As Alice starts to explain why it’s really way more complicated than anyone could ever imagine, Shane lights a cigarette and lets Alice ramble on. She eventually interrupts and says she has her own stuff to deal with, but Alice, of course, won’t let it go at that: She asks for details. Shane says “the f—in’ bulls— goddamn Hollywood party that I have to go to.” This only piques Alice’s interest, and when she gets the full scoop, she asks Shane to take her to the premiere.

Is it sort of odd that this conversation is taking place while Shane and Alice are walking somewhere? I thought nobody walked in L.A. Have the Missing Persons been lying to me all these years?

Shane agrees to take Alice, but tells Alice not to invite anybody else. Alice says, “I really think we should all be there to, like, support your underwear.” Hee.

Alice’s call waiting beeps: It’s Bette. For a brief moment, we get a divine three-way split screen (no innuendo intended, really; I’m just talking visual pleasure here) of Shane, Alice and Bette.

Alice tells Bette about the premiere, but Bette says she can’t go.

Bette: I can’t go. Why? Because I have to work. Why do I have to work? Because of the way that you broke up with Phyllis. She’s completely terrorizing my staff; she’s already slashed my budget. It’s a f—ing bloodbath over here.

The deliciousness of Bette in control mode (and in a suit) is matched only by the hilarity of the way Alice rolls her eyes during this little lecture.

James interrupts to tell Bette that Phyllis is on line 1. Bette asks Alice to hold. Alice reads (or sort of struggles with, really) the L.A. Weekly while Bette tries to console Phyllis. But Phyllis says the sex with Alice was “incredible, stellar. Earth-shattering, even.” Phyllis, you’re turning into Snagglepuss! While Bette explains the difference between great sex and real relationships, Alice hangs up and stops at a coffee cart. And then Alice’s phone rings again: This time it’s Helena.

Helena is on the couch, watching TV and surrounded by junk food (well, Cheetos and some sort of healthy, organic cereal). She says morosely, “We’re out of milk.”

Alice: All right, listen. We are going to the premiere of Roll the Dice tomorrow to see Shane’s underwear.

Helena: I’m not going anywhere. It’s too expensive. Even when I work, I lose money.

Alice: Helena, seriously. I”m getting worried, ’cause like, you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping —

Helena: I’m eating, all right? I’m eating.

She says that like she’s just swallowed a tub of lard, but it was just a little handful of the healthy cereal.

Alice: Don’t worry, you’re coming, you’re gonna have a great time, we’re all gonna go see Shane’s underwear. I’ll talk to you later.

Helena: Ennhhhhhh.

I really don’t know how to type that sound Helena just made. It was some sort of audible shrug.

Alice calls Shane back to tell her Helena’s coming to the premiere, which annoys the hell out of Shane. She actually starts yelling, which isn’t very Shane of her. Alice’s phone beeps again: Papi is calling.

Papi says she’s managed to get a ticket to the premiere too, courtesy of a producer she drives. Papi looks pretty good in her limo driver uniform, actually. I mean, that hat is actually wearable, unlike the paeans to bad taste she’s had on her head in other episodes.

Papi says she wants to bring her “girl” Tasha to the premiere. While she’s on the phone with Alice (and while she clarifies to Alice that by “girl,” she does not mean “girlfriend”), Papi texts Tasha on another phone: “Alice is hot 4 U.” Tasha texts back “Shut up.” And Papi tells Alice that Tasha thinks she’s cute. Alice squeals, “She thinks I’m cute?!” and says she’ll try to get Papi that extra ticket.

Papi calls Tasha to tell her she has to come to the premiere: “You can’t fight the fates, Williams.” I dunno: Tasha looks like she could fight just about anything, mythical or otherwise.

Is this making your head spin yet? Mine too, but in a totally good way. As we point out (er, sing out) in the podcast, this is like “The Telephone Hour” from Bye Bye Birdie.

Bette’s revolving door and chirping phone — Bette is still pacing, and still on the phone. James interrupts to tell Bette that Jodi Lerner’s there to see her.

Bette: What? Uhhhh …

Bette hangs up the phone (I guess that was still Phyllis on the other end, but I think it could have been the legendary phone call to God and she still would have hung up) as Jodi walks in.

Bette starts to make excuses about why she hasn’t called, but Jodi interrupts:

Jodi: Stop. You’ve been freakin’ out ever since we almost kissed. And you’re avoiding me. So I just wanted to say: Get over it. You’re wicked hot, and I woulda gone for it. But we have to work together. So if you wanna pretend that it never happened, I’m OK with that.

Bette sort of smiles and sighs and shakes her head and says she doesn’t even know how to respond to that. Well done, Jodi: Dean Porter is rarely speechless!

James interrupts again to tell Bette that Phyllis is on line 1. Jodi says, “I’ll let you get that,” and leaves after briefly holding Bette’s apologetic gaze.

Phyllis is sure that everything would be different if Alice hadn’t met Leonard (Phyllis’ husband). Right on cue, Alice calls Bette, so Bette puts Phyllis on hold.

Bette: Alice. Alice, you have to break up with her.

Alice: I already broke up with her.

Bette: Yeah, well, you re-break up with her, because some lesbians, you know what, you have to break up with them more than once.

Alice: [as her phone beeps] Hold on, that’s Jenny. I gotta go.

Bette: I am serious, Alice.

Alice: [yelling] OK!

Oh, my dearest Alice, I love it when you yell. It’s so shrill and barky, but to me it’s like a shrill and barky caress.

Alice switches over to Jenny, who wants Alice to come to the Planet for coffee. Is Monet going to be there too, dipping his brushes in soy milk? Alice says she can’t have coffee because “there’s too much drama.” What? Wait, I thought drama was a reason to drink coffee. No wonder I’m so agitated all the time.

Alice invites Jenny to the premiere. What Alice doesn’t know is that Shane is at the Planet too:

Shane: [to Jenny] Hey, mama.

Jenny: Hi. [into the phone] Hang on one sec. [back to Shane] That’s Alice and she’s putting together a bunch of people for the Roll of the Dice premiere tomorrow night. Do you wanna come?

Shane: Give me the phone. [into the phone] Alice, you’re f—ing killing me.

Alice: [yelling] I’m not doing anything!

Yay, more Alice yelling — it just makes me giggle. Maybe I’ll make a CD of Yellice selections.

Back on Bette’s phone, there’s another caller: Kit.

Bette: I’m going to kill myself.

Kit: Before you kill yourself, Jenny wants to know do you wanna go to a premiere with her tomorrow night?

Bette: I can’t go. Because I’ll be dead. Because I will have killed myself. Phyllis will not get off the f—ing phone.

Kit: Well, Shane’s on the phone wit’ Alice now.

Bette: Tell her to tell Alice to break it off. Right now.

Kit: [calling across the room] Shane. Bette said tell Alice to call Phyllis and break it off with her right now.

Shane: [into the phone] OK, look, Kit says that Bette says that you need to call Phyllis and break it off with her right now.

Alice: [yelling] I did!

Shane: [to Kit] She did.

Kit: [into the phone] She did.

Bette: Well, tell her to do it again.

Kit: [to Shane] Do it again.

Shane: Look, Alice, will you please let this woman off the hook?

Alice: Oh, really: You of all people are giving me advice on how to let a girl down easy?

Shane: You know what? I don’t think that — I don’t think that response is necessary at all.

Alice: [to a random homeless guy walking by] I don’t have any money. [yelling] I don’t have any money!

Wow. That was some mayhem. There are so many people and communication devices on the screen, I feel like I’m watching a movie about the UN.

Also, while all of that was going on, Bette was sewing up a little bunny, presumably Angelica’s. Yes, Bette can sew. She can run an art school, she can sew, and she can release a seat belt when the need is urgent — she is not afraid of you and she will beat your ass.

And I love it when Kit whips out the wit’.

Shane tells Alice not to change the subject and asks her how many people she’s bringing to the premiere. Alice lists them: Helena, Jenny, Papi, Tasha. Shane says, “But that’s her angry friend,” but Alice says Tasha’s not angry. Before she can say exactly what Tasha is, Jenny’s phone (in Shane’s hand) beeps. It’s Lindsey. You know, Mrs. Vagina Wig.

Lindsey asks for Debbie. Shane says, “What? Who’s Debbie?” — which of course makes Jenny ask for her phone back. Before Shane complies, she switches back to Alice and says she has to go. Alice says, “OKlistenwe’regonnahaveareallygoodtimetomorrownight” — that quickly.

Shane covers the phone and asks Jenny who Debbie is. “Um, Debbie is my childhood nickname,” mumbles Jenny. “Right,” says Shane, handing her the phone.

Jenny/Debbie tells Lindsey she’s thinking about getting a puppy and wants Lindsey to help her pick one out. But Lindsey’s busy: Stacey’s in town for the weekend, or rather, is taking Lindsey for a romantic weekend at a B&B in Solvang. Jenny/Debbie fakely says, “That’s great; I’m very happy for you that you’re working it out.” Lindsey thanks her; they hang up.

And then Jenny borrows a nearby stranger’s phone and calls Stacey Merkin. Using a hilarious pseudo-Italian accent, she asks Stacey Merkin to cover the Roll the Dice premiere and interview Chane-a Mah-Cutch-en (aka Shane) for C magazine. So what’s the magazine name-dropping count up to now? Curve, The New Yorker, C— times 4,382 mentions per magazine.

Jenny signs off with “Bye. Big kiss to you!” Wacky Jenny rocks. In the other frame, Stacey Merkin looks nervously at an unhappy Lindsey, who has overheard enough of the conversation to get the gist of it.

Back on Bette’s phone (yes, still), Phyllis wants to know if Alice is seeing someone else. Bette, who is still sewing up that stuffed bunny, says Alice probably just needs more space. Phyllis starts to freak out about that notion when Alice calls Bette again. Bette puts Phyllis on hold and switches to the other line. Alice says she feels bad about the Phyllis thing, but she doesn’t think talking is going to help — and, of course, at that moment Phyllis calls Alice. Alice lets it go to voice mail. Bette mutters, “F—. My life is ruined. It’s just ruined.”

Phyllis talks to Alice’s voice mail: “I don’t want it to end, Alice. I’m in love with you.” She looks like a perky piece of pop art, say a Roy Lichtenstein painting.

Bette tries to switch over to Phyllis on the other line, but of course Phyllis’ phone is otherwise occupied. Never mind: James announces that Tina is there to see Bette. And by “see,” I mean “storm in and shake her head and point her finger”:

Tina: How f—ing hard is it to get you on the phone?

Bette: Apparently not that hard.

Tina launches into a diatribe about where Angelica will be going to preschool. She wants to sign Angelica up for a Montessori school, but Bette has already sent in several applications to other (more impressive) schools. This doesn’t sit well with Tina — but then, what does lately?

They discuss the various factors involved in this decision: quality of educational programs, proximity to Tina’s house and the need to work together in their child’s best interest. I say that as if they’re calm, reasoned and civil, but they’re angry, accusatory and shouting.

Tina: For the record, I am not gonna let your overachieving, psycho dysfunction stress out our kid before she’s three years old. It’s just f—in’ preschool, for God’s sake. Crayons. And Playdough.

Bette: [snarling] No, it is not just crayons. It is a f—ing Ivy League education. [as Tina stomps out] So naive. Jesus.

James: Uh … Bette? Phyllis is on line 1.

Bette: Oh, f— you, James. Just f— you.

See that, Tina? Bette knows how to throw a scolding finger around: She uses it as punctuation, rather than as a flailing substitute for real emoting.

And hey, I think the incessant split-screening three-way phone thingies are over for now.

Alice’s apartment — Helena is pulling on a pair of jeans. She seems to be doing so at a glacial pace, and by that I mean as slowly as glaciers moved before the whole global warming thing began, but I might just be recovering from the crazy pace of the first 14 minutes.

Alice and Helena are discussing poker; Helena says it’s not her game. Alice says the same thing without speaking — by trying to shuffle some cards and just spazzing them all over the place instead. But there’s nothing to worry about, says Alice: Papi’s coming over to teach them some tricks. Great. Cue the doorbell.

Alice: Oh, s—. Come in! Helena, pick your s— up. Get your pants off the chips!

Papi offers Alice some beer and a bon mot, or rather, a mal mot: “Liquor in the front —”

Alice: Yeah, poker in the rear. I know that one.

As a bunch of people shuffle in, Alice and Tasha catch each other’s eye. Alice offers Tasha a drink; Tasha says (laconic as ever), “Yeah, OK.”

Quite a few people are shuffling in; it seems Papi has invited her posse. Helena sits next to Papi and confesses her incompetence. Papi reassures her: “It’s all about the lessons you learn here tonight. OK? You follow these simple rules, you can’t looosssssssssse.”

At last it becomes clear: Papi is a Slytherin!

A woman comes up to Papi and says hello, in that way that people say hello with a kiss and an “I love you.”

Alice asks Tasha whether she likes cards. “Do I,” says Tasha. “Come watch how I take your money.” As Tasha walks to the poker table, Alice checks out Tasha’s ass, then quickly pretends to be looking nowhere in particular and takes a seat too.

Bette and the tortured lagomorph — Bette’s still clinging to that stuffed bunny. I hope there’s not a pot of boiling water nearby. She’s on the phone with Kit again, and Kit is talking about her new song and her nasty boyfriend and whatever else is new in her stereogram-shirted world. Girl.

As Kit rambles, Bette asks James to find her the best Internet site for learning sign language. Where’s Max when you need a computer search? James has other concerns: Angus and Angelica have just arrived. Bette relays the news to Kit.

Kit: Oh, how’s my boo, my little boo?

Bette: Well, you tell me.

Kit: Whaddya mean?

Bette: Well, I mean you do everything for him; I just want to make sure that he’s treating my sister right.

Oh. I thought Kit was talking about Angelica when she said “my little boo,” but I ain’t hip to this jive.

As Angus and Angelica come in, Bette tells Angus that Kit is on the phone and asks if he wants to talk to her. He says no, he’ll call her later, but there’s so much guilt in his voice, it sounds like he’s saying, “I can’t; my hands are full of these bloody body parts.”

Bette hangs up the phone and sits down to cross-examine Angus. She asks him how everything is with Kit.

Angus: Uh, she’s, it’s, it’s great. The album’s really awesome and people are really excited about it.

Bette: You’re really lucky to be on it.

Angus: Uh, yes I am.

Bette: How’s Hazel?

Angus: She’s good. She’s really good with the kids.

Bette: Do you love my sister?

Angus: [after a pause] What are you talking about?

Bette: [covering Angelica’s ears] I’m talking about the fact that you’re f—ing the nanny behind my sister’s back.

Angus tells her to f— off, but mere words cannot combat the force of Bette’s quirked, damning brows.

Angus points out that Bette has made a couple of mistakes in her life too, so Bette says, “OK.” Angus says he wants to fix it and will break it off with Hazel; he just isn’t sure whether to tell Kit. Bette says that would only break Kit’s heart and she’d never trust him again.

I’m happy to report that the bunny is now safe with Angelica. Angus, on the other hand, is in grave danger; I can’t believe Bette’s icy tone hasn’t turned him into a teeny, frozen whine by now.

Place your bets — Papi reveals her poker rules: (1) Poker’s all about deception; (2) Leave emotion at the door; (3) “Poker’s not for, like, the wussy player, all right? ‘Cause sometimes, you gotta go all in”; and (4) If you wear a visor and talk with a cartoonish accent like I do, everyone will be so busy rolling their eyes, they won’t be able to see the flop or the river or anything but your macking mug.

The relaying of the rules is intercut with scenes of Jenny, Max and Bette:

Lindsey calls Jenny/Debbie — Lindsey sniffles that Stacey has ditched her in order to do the fake C magazine assignment. Lindsey says, hey, Debbie, you hot mama, I’ve got this cozy little love nest in a B&B, and I just be chillin’ with some Courvoisier, so why don’t you get your psychotic little ass over to Solvang and get this party started? Oh, sorry, that was some sort of Lindsey-as-Papi mashup. These plot devices and caricatures are so easy to confuse.

Jenny/Debbie expresses sympathy for Lindsey, not to mention victory:

Jenny/Debbie: Well, thank you very much, you f—ing vagina wig.

Lindsey: What?!

Jenny/Debbie: Oh, nothing. It’s just something that I call my little baby niece.

Jenny/Debbie, you wreck of a shell of a human being: Big kiss to you!

Where Google fears to tread — Max is chatting with his co-worker Megan. It seems Megan has been passed over for a promotion. Barclay Hill, the guy who got the job instead, is an a-hole who knows how to work the old boys’ club. Max tells Megan she’s way more qualified and she should sue. Megan tells Max that’s easy for him to say because he’s a member of the boys’ club: “A nice member, but a member nonetheless.”

Ewww. Member.

Getting the right angle — Bette is staring at her computer and making gestures: She’s learning to sign. She makes an especially interesting movement just as Papi is stating the rule that includes “sometimes you gotta go all in.” I just got goosebumps.

Bette goes to Jodi’s studio and signs, “You scare me.” I don’t know what Bette signs next, but I do know I like Jodi’s reply:

Jodi: The more I’m afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I figured that out when I was a kid. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world, or I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it, the more worth doing it must be.

OK, it was a little ungrammatical, but it’s still light years ahead of Papi.

Bette says she doesn’t want to die right now, and Jodi says she doesn’t either. Jodi gets a little closer and says, “Do you want to try it?” Bette slowly steps forward. Jodi kisses Bette’s hand and and then tucks her own hand under Bette’s chin. Bette cries a little, then presses her lips to Jodi’s hand. And then they finally kiss.

They climb up onto the platform-y thing that’s supporting Jodi’s massive sculpture — at first, Bette says, “Come down,” but Jodi says, “Come up. Don’t worry about getting dirty.” There’s a mattress on part of the structure, because Jodi likes to sleep where she works. And now we know she also likes to f— where she works.

The poker game — Tasha and Helena and Alice are winning. And Papi’s definitely losing: One of the many chicas she’s bedded gets in a fight with the one who was adoring Papi earlier. The fight quickly becomes physical, but it’s not campy or fun (even though the music is) — it’s just lame, especially when Tasha tells Papi, “Handle your bitches, man.”

The elbows keep flying, until one of them — Tasha’s — lands in Alice’s right eye.

Alice: Owww! F— my mother!

The hospital — Tasha takes Alice to the emergency room. Alice worries that the bruise on her face won’t look good for the premiere. Tasha says, “Don’t worry; you’ll still be cute. ” Awww.

As the gurneys roll in, Alice observes, “It’s like f—in’ Iraq in here.” Tasha says it’s nothing like Iraq, and she should know, because she’s been there.

Alice: You’re in the army?

Tasha: National Guard.

As Tasha talks about defending her country, Alice goes into knee-jerk liberal mode and starts to spout about innocent Iraqis. Tasha gets up and starts to walk away, but Alice stops her and apologizes. Tasha grudgingly sits back down.

Um. What? OK, I guess we’ve just been introduced to the Very Important Social Issue of this episode.

Oh, maybe there are two Big Issues — Max goes to the break room, where some guys are talking about Megan, the “stupid bitch” who’s thinking about suing for discrimination because she got passed over for that promotion.

Max marches right into the boss’s office and speaks his mind about Mitch, the guy who hired Barclay over Megan:

Max: I know for a fact that Mitch doesn’t support women, and that he routinely discriminates against female employees.

Boss man: Well, how do you know that? What evidence are you offering to substantiate Megan’s accusation?

Max: Because he did it to me.

Well. OK, Max, fall on your sword, or, um, whatever you call it. On behalf of Megan, I sincerely thank you, but on behalf of yourself, I can only cover my eyes.

Paige’s place — On her way to the premiere, Shane drops Shay off for another play date. Paige and Shane have a little heart-to-heart about their budding attraction:

Shane: I don’t wanna f— things up right now. With Shay, and, you know, myself —

Paige: What makes you think you’d f— things up?

Shane: Paige … I mean it: I think you are an amazing woman.

Paige: Oh, no no no. Just stop before you get to the but. “You’re a really amazing woman, but you’re not my type. You’re a really amazing woman, but I’m in a relationship. I’d really love to f— you, but I won’t stay the night.”

Shane: I probably wouldn’t. And I’m also the person who, when I get really close to someone, I push her away. And I don’t trust myself enough to not do that to you. And I don’t wanna do that to you.

Paige thanks Shane for her honesty. As Shane gets back in the limo, Paige says, “Hey, with everything that’s going on in your life right now, if you need a friend, I’m up for that.” Shane says she would love that.

Somewhere, Carmen is swearing, and in an accent that’s significantly better than Papi’s.

Take that, vagina wig — Stacey Merkin is trying to check in at the media desk for the premiere, but her name isn’t on anyone’s list. A bald guy (the Hugo Boss rep from the beginning) overhears and asks who booked her. She gives Jenny’s Italian alter ego’s name, Sophia Mancuso. The guy says, “I don’t know any Sophia Mancuso, and I know everybody.” He sends her away.

I know Jenny’s shenanigans are very wrong, but they’re also quite effective and occasionaly pretty funny. Slink away, Stacey, and take your little merkin with you.

The premiere — Shane, Alice and Helena get out of the limo. They gape at the giant posters of Shane in her underwear and the throng of paparazzi.

Helena: What does that mean, “You’re looking very Shane today”?

Shane: F— if I know.

The Hugo Boss rep whisks Shane onto the red carpet, telling Helena and Alice they’re not allowed to follow. Two Shane look-alikes, one male, one female, stand on either side of Shane. As they stop to smile for the cameras, Shane says, “This is crazy” through her teeth, and then, “This sucks.”

From the line of cameras and microphones, Stacey tries to get Shane’s attention. Shane asks, “Are you the vagina wig?” before getting pulled inside.

Alice and Helena make their way down the red carpet. Alice poses a little: “Hi. The Chart. Yeah. Alice. You know, you know.” She shows off her dress and smiles like a phony and would probably still be there posing if Helena hadn’t dragged her inside.

The B&B — Lindsey is feeling guilty, but Jenny/Debbie says Stacey’s the one who bailed on the romantic weekend. And the setting is perfect, if you’re into this sort of thing (and I’m not sure whether I mean romantic weekends, cheating on your girlfriend or grand schemes of writerly revenge). They have good wine and a fire, and Lindsey’s obviously dressed for the occasion: I mean, she doesn’t get out the PETA T-shirt for just anyone.

There’s no music, though. I bet there’s a tune in Jenny’s head. Probably something like “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy” from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? or maybe Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit.”

Lindsey says she really wants to kiss Jenny/Debbie, so they kiss. It’s not even one-eighth as hot as the Bette-Jodi scenes; in fact, I think it qualifies as awkward fumbling. Jenny/Debbie takes off Lindsey’s shirt, but then Lindsey stops her. She says she just can’t cheat on Stacey and has to break it off with her before starting down this wonderful new road with Jenny/Debbie.

Jenny decides to do some talking of her own. She starts to come clean about the whole thing, starting with, “I’ve been lying to you.” Hmmm. Killing a dog, pretending to be a manatee-ologist and hijacking a romantic weekend? I think that means you’ve gone right past lying and right on into alternative prewar intelligence assessments.

Before Jenny can disassemble her dissembling, there’s a knock at the door. Enter the vagina wig.

Stacey: Schecter.

Jenny: Hello. Merkin.

Lindsey tries to introduce her friend Debbie, but Stacey interrupts: “No, this is Jennifer f—king Schecter, the lunatic whose book I reviewed.” They stare at Jenny and wait.

Jenny: I thought that if I could prove that you weren’t a saint, and I thought that if I could make you sleep with me, that it would prove that all those really horrible, mean things that Stacey said about me and my experiences and the way I turned out … wouldn’t be true.

Stacey: What the f— are you talking about?

Jenny: I thought that if I could make you into a liar and a cheat like me … but the thing is, you’re not. I mean, you’re right about that, Stacey. [to Lindsey] You’re a saint. I’m so sorry.

Lindsey: You’re not a student.

Jenny: No.

Lindsey: F—ing manatees.

Jenny: The manatees are a little bit true ’cause I … I did write a story about …

And then Lindsey says, “Sounder,” and loses it when Jenny reveals that she adopted Sounder from a shelter. Lindsey grabs her stuff and leaves, asking Jenny how she could do something like that. “I know; it’s crazy,” Jenny says simply.

Stacey tells Jenny, “Just stay the f— away from us,” and leaves too. Hey, Jenny, kick back: You’ve got wine and a charming room and your 12 personalities to talk to! And with those weird tie things on your sleeves, you can even play straitjacket.

F—ing manatees. Right on.

Post premiere — Alice, Helena and Shane have just seen the movie: “Ugh, that movie bit ass,” says Alice. Shane looks around at the look-alikes and says, “I need a new haircut, and I’ve just stopped wearing ties.” Don’t toy with me like that, Shane.

Helena’s just thinking about poker. Speaking of which, Papi and Tasha are there. Tasha looks pretty great in her vest and sleveless shirt — and Alice definitely agrees with me — but Papi is wearing a weird puffy shirt that defies description. And gravity.

The bald PR guy shows up again to introduce Shane to Saskia, the star of the movie. Shane starts to charm the statuesque blonde, but then Shane’s cell phone rings. Thank God: We were all missing the split screens!

It’s Paige. Shay has had a bad dream and just needs to hear Shane’s voice. Then he crawls back into bed so his two mommies can talk. Shane says she can come over, but Paige tells her not to worry and to just have a good time.

Getting to know you — Bette and Jodi are having dinner and trading tales of past loves. They’re smiling and gazing and it all seems to be going well. But when Bette reveals that she has a daughter, Jodi comes clean:

Jodi: I don’t like kids.

Bette: What?

Jodi: I don’t like kids.

Bette: Wow. [signing] Wow.

Jodi: I’m sorry. I don’t. They need too much attention. They get in the way of work, of sex. They’re a hassle.

The waiter stops by. Bette asks for the check and smiles weakly. She and Jodi just sort of stare at each other.

Well, it’s not the smartest thing to say to someone who’s just told you she has a toddler, but I’m with you, Jodi. No kidding. (OK, I’m not really that gung ho about it.)

Hanging out — Alice and Tasha are chatting. Alice asks Tasha about her history with Papi. Tasha says they hooked up once, but there was no chemistry: Papi’s just not her type.

Alice: I didn’t know you had a type.

Tasha: I just like girls who are girls.

Alice points out that her dress is pink and sort of feminine. Tasha enjoys the flirting.

Elsewhere, Helena meets the infamous Catherine Rothberg, who wants to know whether Shane likes girls or boys. After revealing that Shane is on the girls’ team — and that she’s on Shane’s team too — Helena finds herself invited to join Catherine’s high-stakes poker game.

Bette’s house — Angus is leaving, but first he asks Bette how her date was. She says it sucked. And then Angus says he broke it off with Hazel. Bette just says, “Good.”

Let’s keep the party polite — As the strains of “Luck Be a Lady Tonight” from Guys and Dolls start to swell, we see several pensive faces: Bette, Jodi, Shane and Jenny, all wondering what to do next.

The poker game — I don’t know a lot about poker, so it’s sort of difficult for me to tell what’s going on, especially because Papi’s giant sleeves are eclipsing the light fixtures. Papi tells Helena the last rule of poker: “The house always wins.”

Four doors — Shane is at Paige’s door. She pretends to just be checking on Shane, but when Paige invites her in for her grandmother’s meatloaf, Shane happily says yes.

In a doorway not far from the poker table, Papi and Saskia (the movie star) make out — as well as they can around Papi’s gargantuan sleeves. Hey, maybe she’s got accessories stashed in those puffs.

Tasha walks Alice to her door, saying she wants to take things slow. Alice says she can do slow. But someone else can’t: Phyllis, who is on the steps, waiting for Alice. “I told Leonard about us. I told him I wanted a divorce.” Tasha says, “I don’t do drama” and turns tail as Alice looks daggers at Phyllis.

Jodi is at Bette’s door. She says she’s sorry and asks whether they can try again. Bette invites her in.

The last rule — Helena, confident of her newfound poker skills, pushes all in and says, “Read them and weep.” And two seconds later, she loses $50,000 dollars to Catherine, aka the House.

On the way out, Helena tries to explain her financial situation to Catherine. But Catherine already knows the score: She had lunch with Peggy Peabody (Hi, Peggy, wherever you are!) and heard all about Helena’s monetary downfall. She tells Helena there are other ways to pay her debt, if you know what she means, and gives Helena the key to her suite.

And on that rather flat note, we leave the land of poker, phones and premieres. Thanks for the ride, Angela Robinson.

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD:Bette and Jodi wear tank tops; Phyllis sobs; a bidding war for Jenny begins.

Hear more of Scribe Grrrl’s thoughts on the episode in her weekly podcast Talking to Manatees – multiple download options available here, or subscribe through iTunes.

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