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“The Fosters” recap (4.5): Sharon for MVP

Previously on The Fosters, Mariana wanted to remove herself from the narrative but Nick was all, “I will kill myself if you don’t tell me you love me,” and really, Mariana just doesn’t have time for that kind of guilt so she lied and said “sure, totally your girlfriend still even though you brought a gun to school to stalk me and then camped out in my attic like some kind of Mike Montgomery.” Jude grew 12 inches taller, got pissed at Taylor for trying to help him make a new friend, and went out of town for a week to deal with his feelings (cementing the notion that he and Callie share plenty of DNA). The 47 parents of the Adams Foster brood banded together to get Gabe off the sex offender list, ostensibly to help Lena keep her job but really I think the showrunners have a thing for Gabe’s abs (this episode only confirms that fact) and wanted to keep him around. Stef and Lena celebrated their anniversary, did some snooping, and played good cop/bad cop (but not in a sexy way).

This week’s episode is all about Lena’s birthday. Of course, whenever the Adams Fosters throw a party it’s a disaster. This is somewhere just short of their most disastrous parties, but it isn’t smooth.

So let’s start with Brandon. Rent is coming due for him and Cortney (as it does every month when you’re a grown-up) and it seems, thanks to the five grand he’s spending to help Cortney with her divorce/custody fight, he needs some cash. He’s going to give piano lessons to the kids at Anchor Beach. Or at least he was until he finds a kid who wants an SAT tutor. Except, when this kid says “tutor,” he really means “kid to take the test for me.” Brandon balks for as long as it takes the kid to say “I’ll pay you a thousand bucks.” Oh, but Brandon, you’ve always made such good choices #sarcasm.

He takes the test for the kid and gets semi-caught when Jenna (Stef and Lena’s wildly inappropriate friend) sees him walking out. He gets all salty when Stef mentions to Dana that Cortney is using Brandon for his money because, goddammit he didn’t work at all for that money and he’s entitled to do whatever he wants with it.

Oh, I am so optimistic that this party will be drama free.

Party episode? I’m gonna need a bigger glass.

Lena’s parents have arrived for their daughter’s party, bringing passive aggressive tension with them. Dana can’t believe how big Jude got, that Brandon is living elsewhere and that Mariana is the baddest badass around. Just kidding, she always knew Mariana was BAMF. Stuart thing that he should stay at Dr. Xavier’s mansion along with the rest of the X-Men. Dana thinks he should stay in the dog house because he’s having an affair. Please, you don’t have an affair on one of the Adams women. No one is that stupid.

Run away with me. We can use this as a life raft.

Callie spends the episode running around, meeting Kyle with Aaron, and trying to find his alibi witness. Only the alibi witness says he can’t remember a thing about Kyle being at the community center during the murder. It’s looking so bleak that Callie considers boning her brother. Just kidding. Instead, she gets dressed up and dances with AJ at the party. Or she does until Aaron shows up and tries to intimidate AJ or something. Naked male insecurity really leaves me cold.

Angelica, Eliiiiiiza…..

Mariana, meanwhile, is truly the wittiest and the gossip at the Beach is insidious. But she, Emma, and the third girl in STEM club are going to build a killer robot and show those boys that muggle borns and girls are smarter. Even with Jesus trying to have sex with Emma in the middle of robot wars, they manage to build the faster, best design and make the boys pissed. Shockingly the boys don’t vote for them to win, but the teacher overturns it when Mariana pulls out the score sheet to prove that the Schuyler Sisters robot is the best and that Eliza, Angelica….and Peggy should be running the show. Emma offers to tutor Jesus, and he gets offended that she thinks he’s stupid (I would say academically disinterested) and decides they shouldn’t have sex anymore. Because he helped with the ladybot, Mariana suggest he join STEM club (and get rid of that ridiculous mustache).

Helpless

Stef runs around like a mad woman because she thinks throwing Lena a crazy ass party isn’t enough and she needs to put together a heartfelt video (wait for it) in under 24 hours. That’s the Stef we know! She enlists Jude who enlists Taylor and Noah and let the games begin! Jude is sad because Connor has a new boyfriend he photoshopped into old pictures of the two of them. He gets so jealous that he posts a picture with Noah and claims he’s in a relationship. Noah tells him, “Dude, how about we have a date first? So Jude asks him out, and it’s pretty cute.

Mike, doing his best Travolta impression, sulks because Gabe has nice abs (and other stuff) and he thinks Ana likes him better. Wake me up when high school ends. Ana loves him, and he loves her so who cares that Gabe is all hottie McSulky Dad. Not acting as adult is Jenna, who is weird with Monte but even weirder with her ex-wife who has brought a youngish girlfriend. So, of course, Jenna is acting like the no filter, bananapants friend she is. Comic relief for sure.

Finally, we learn that Stuart is in debt with the IRS big time, and there’s a lien on Stef and Lena’s house, and they could lose it if he doesn’t get the cash together to pay off the government. Don’t worry, Stu. Just have Brandon take the SATs about three hundred more times.

Though not there personally, Sharon sends Lena a very special present. It’s a couple of strippers dressed like cops (obviously she knows about Stef and Lena’s role plays). Sharon, FTW. Although, next time let’s get Stef stripping for her wife, mmmkay?

And that’s all the drama from last night in a nutshell.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

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