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“The Fosters” recap (4.4): Time Goes By So Slowly

Previously on The Fosters, Callie thought Stef and Lena were going to reverse her adoption, so she punched a dude, ran off with a stranger, pretended to be someone else, and kissed a guy on a motorcycle. Basically Callie 101. Jesus and Emma got tested for STIs and decided that they would be friends with benefits who only slept with each other but, you know, none of that stupid feelings crap. Good luck with that. Lena wanted to build a fortress and moat and hire Minerva McGonagall to protect their house and school before realizing that walls keep people out, too. Or something. Jude went to church, met a new guy, flipped out, and stomped around the house. So he was a teenager for a day, essentially Stef took back the car and mouthed off to Brandon a couple times. It was very satisfying. Mariana got a call from Nick that he wants to see her. Dude. You. Were. In. Her. House. With. A. Gun. You don’t get to ask her to visit.

Stef is snuggled into Lena’s shoulder. She asks Lena if she is texting her lover. Sure, just to say she can’t meet up since it’s their first wedding anniversary. This made me laugh out loud. The timeline on this show makes zero sense. Some kids have birthdays, others don’t, and only a year has passed since the end of Season 1A? Good one.

Stef wants to know if they are still going to celebrate their first kiss anniversary. Damn skippy they are. Lena wants credit for the decade she put up with Stef’s shit. When my wife and I got married I was adamant that we still celebrate our anniversary-it just seemed wrong to start over counting since we’d been together for seven years. Mariana pipes up to tell them that they deserve to celebrate. Oh yeah, Mariana is sleeping in their bed since the whole boyfriend with a gun debacle. God, I hope my kids aren’t still sleeping in our bed when they are 16. The little one kicks.

Lena suggests getting a restraining order against Nick to help Mariana feel safe. Stef points out that he’s in a facility, his phone privileges were taken away, and getting a restraining order didn’t even keep Brandon from seeing Callie so basically it’s pointless. Lena would like to have her bed back, preferably by that night so she can maybe have some sex with her wife. So say we all.

Speaking of Brandon, Stef would like to kick his butt, but Lena says, just wait it out. That dumbass can’t live on his own and eventually he will figure out that groceries don’t just fall from the sky, and he’ll come home. Okay, Lena, let’s see how long you hold up your end of this bargain.

Mason is all of us. He kicks Brandon in the face, and it’s amazing. Eddie is going to take the little tyke for the weekend, so Cortney and Brandon are throwing a party. On this show parties of any kind are always a disaster. So this should be fun.

AJ is starting at Anchor Beach (apparently some parents pulled their kids after the lockdown), and he and Callie are having a little role play in the halls followed by some PDA. After school, Callie is taking pictures of another house where she lived while in foster care. AJ asks what the point of her project is, but not in a dick-ish way. She says, “So I’ll graduate, duh.” Well, maybe it could be mean just a little bit more, he thinks. Feelings are stupid, AJ. You’ve known Callie long enough to figure that out. She tells him the story of this house. The people were kind, and she thought they would adopt her and Jude but then one day the social worker showed up and told them they were moving out. Callie never knew why. AJ suggests that she go ask the people who live there. Confront feelings? AJ, that’s crazy talk.

Mike and Ana are discussing their relationship. He thinks Gabe is a trigger for her; she thinks he’s pulling away because she ran after Gabe. She says she won’t see Gabe anymore, so they make out. I would like to donate this screen time to Stef and Lena (or Jude, who is Out of Town or something) because Mike and Ana are not a couple I care much about. So next time, more Stef and Lena making sexual innuendos, please and thank you.

Lena is totally getting fired. She knows this because she allowed a registered sex offender to help build the sets for the school play (and also only people not named Brandon face consequences on this show). But, because she’s Lena, she has a plan. They are going to hire a lawyer to help get Gabe off the list. It’s like a crazy Rube Goldberg invention, but maybe it will work. It will only cost 20 grand. Stef points out that even if they use their emergency fund to help Gabe, he doesn’t want them helping him.

At the second house, AJ wants to know how many they are going to. Dude, chill out. Callie hops the picket fence because of course she does. AJ follows in spite of being way more likely to get in trouble. This house is where Liam raped Callie. Liam’s mom comes home and invites Callie into the house to blame her for the downfall of her entire life. Lady, you need to back the hell up. Your son is a fucking rapist. You’re not the only one who is sorry Callie lived there. Callie stomps upstairs and takes a bunch of pictures in her old bedroom. She’s going all in, man.

Meanwhile, back at the Adams Foster home for teenage thievery, Brandon is absconding with toiletries and anything not nailed down. Is it hard being a grown ass man, B? Mariana yells at him for not inviting them to the party before Stef shows up and is like, “Yeah, this ain’t a Target, bucko,” and takes back the stuff he was stealing. Lena doesn’t look thrilled with Stef’s approach to Brandon’s nonsense, but there’s no time to process that because Ana is in the kitchen.

Callie is showing Mariana all the pictures she took. Mariana is horrified that Callie went inside Liam’s house and more horrified when she finds out Liam’s mom blamed Callie for her life falling apart. Visiting these houses isn’t safe, she thinks. But Callie thinks she has to face the people who made her feel powerless if she’s ever going to move forward. This prompts Mariana to tell her moms that she wants to see Nick, so she can also feel safe again.

Brandon and Cortney are unloading their groceries and talking about how weird it was for Eddie to show up to get Mason on time. Lena walks up just as Brandon is unloading two 12-packs of beer. It’s awkward. Cortney grabs the beer and scurries inside so Lena can hand Brandon some groceries she bought (without Stef knowing) and tell her their party is really more of a gathering. Lena, this isn’t letting Brandon stand on his own two feet or whatever. She tells him that they miss him at home and then yells, “Be responsible!” because she can’t help but mother him a little.

Callie knocks on the door to one of her former homes and Sheila invites her in. Turns out Sheila and her husband wanted to adopt Jude and Callie but the other foster kid, Kyle, had special needs, and they wouldn’t let Sheila and Tom adopt all three. She is very sorry that the people never told Callie that. Kyle’s in juvie because they convicted him of killing a neighbor. But Kyle had an alibi and Sheila can’t believe he had anything to do with it. Like a dog with a bone, Callie is all over it. Hmmm, who does she know who works in juvenile justice? Enter Aaron.

The lawyer is telling Gabe that he thinks he should have been found innocent at the time and that he should be able to get everything overturned at a new trial. Gabe can’t pay so the moms say they will pay, and he can fix up their house to work off the loan. Jesus walks into this scene of the moms, lawyer, Gabe, and Ana. Just another day at the Adams Foster legal services clinic.

Gabe isn’t willing to gamble the deal he has that guarantees no jail time on his parole violation for the maybe of getting his conviction expunged. Jesus stomps upstairs. Gabe goes after him and explains that he doesn’t like owing people anything. Jesus asks if he ever gets lonely in his walled-off world? Gabe starts crying. It’s sweet.

Ana tells Mike that Gabe changed his mind after talking to Jesus. Mike is all passive aggressive about Gabe. He can’t believe that Ana told her a day ago she wasn’t going to see him and then she ran over and did. Mike says he’s concerned about Ana’s sobriety, not that he’s super jealous. Mike ends up calling the DA, but we don’t know whether he’s meddling for or against Gabe.

Jesus, Mariana, and Mat appear at Brandon’s door for the “gathering.” There’s no one else there because Cortney has friends who are over 16 and can stay out past nine. Jesus hands Brandon a present (a roll of toilet paper). Jesus for MVP. Callie and AJ arrive at the “party” and Cortney is on her way to drunky town. AJ says he’ll skip her special margaritas and Callie opts for water. Cortney calls Mariana “Maryanne” and then becomes a “woo” girl when her friend arrives. Oh boy.

It gets better. Stef and Lena stop outside the house to spy. I imagine this is what Agent Carter does on a date. Lena is like, “Fuck this. Let’s go finish celebrating our anniversary at home before our kids get back.” Stef is too distracted by their car being at the party. Oh Stef, go home. Have sex with your wife; your kids are fine.

Inside things are equally shitty because Jesus clogged the toilet, and Brandon can’t afford to call a plumber (genius, you’re renting). Brandon walks out into a conversation about his premature ejaculation and says “thanks for coming.” His siblings all laugh and then try to cover it by thanking him for inviting them.

Mariana asks him what it’s like being a dad, and Brandon gets defensive and says, “Yeah, that little snot bucket is not my kid.” Cortney walks in to hear that and then goes back to get more plastered. Shockingly, another Fosters party is terrible, and we haven’t even mentioned Stef lurking in the bushes (not a euphemism). Lena is so fed up with Stef she opens the swan from dinner and starts snacking. Her face is all, “I thought I would be eating pussy, not this stupid bird.”

Brandon apologizes to Mariana for being a dick about her and Nick. Callie is telling AJ about how Kyle got screwed by the system, and Cortney continues her quest for an epic hangover.

Mariana tells Mat that she wants to go see Nick. She needs to tell him that she’s not his girlfriend. Mat is worried (totally reasonable). As long as he thinks Mariana wants to be with him, Nick is going to try to get to her. Mariana thinks she saw Stef out the window. When the there’s knock it isn’t Stef it’s a process server for Cortney. He serves her with divorce papers.

When Jesus and Mariana get home Mariana wants to know all about what the moms did after dinner, you know like stopping by to spy on them. Jesus shuts his sister up by handing the moms a card and flowers. It’s very sweet that they got the moms a gift for their “first anniversary.” I’m assuming that they count lesbian marriage years like the opposite of dog years-it’s really been seven years, but we only count it as one.

Brandon wants to know if Cortney really wants another drink. I’m cutting him slack here. He’s annoying and telling his grown-up girlfriend what to do but he also watched his father spiral through alcoholism, and I think he’s allowed to worry. She’s pissed at him for monitoring her, and she’s sorry Mason kicks Brandon in the face (don’t be sorry, girl, that’s the best thing). Brandon tells her that he loves Mason, and he loves her. She can’t understand why. She thinks she’s a mess so why would he want to be with her. Cortney, HE LIKES MESSES! That’s his kink, lady.

Callie apologizes to AJ for a boring night. He was with her and when has that ever been boring? He kisses her and then stops and leads her to the porch swing. He doesn’t want to overstep. He knows she was raped, and he wants to be sure he isn’t doing a single thing that might trigger her or make her feel unsafe with him. Team AJ, forever. He also wants to tell her that Kyle isn’t her problem. She needs to do better at taking care of herself instead of trying to save the world.

Jesus is losing his mind waiting for Gabe to call from the court. Instead of calling, Ana and Gabe show up and tell them that Gabe is off the list. Jesus and then Lena hug Gabe. He thanks Mike for putting in a word for him with the DA. Good work, Fabrizio!

Aaron is waiting for Cameron/Callie. She comes clean about lying about who she was. She wanted to take a break from her life for a day. He can understand that. He wants to know if the boyfriend was pretend, too. Sorry, bud, no dice. She wants his help exonerating Kyle.

Stef and Mariana show up at Radley to see Nick. Nick is thrilled to see Mariana and tells her that the only thing that keeps him going is her (and dancing with ghosts in the basement). He’s holding onto that hope in order to keep going, and she can’t take it away. She tells him to get better for himself, not for her. He wants to know that he still has her, and she can’t tell him no. Oh, Mariana.

Next week! Lena’s 40th birthday! We all know how well parties go at the Adams Foster house.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch Tweets from last night.

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