“Scream” recap (2.7): Charred to Handle


How weird is it that the murder and mayhem of this show is starting to feel like a sanctuary for me? Whatever awful shit is going on in the world, at least we can always count on the Lakewood crew making terrible decisions and paying for it in ludicrous plot twists and gore. It’s comforting, you know? And just ask Branson–a little distraction can always come in handy. (Get it? Handy?)

This week, Eli is being the fucking weirdest, breaking into some random people’s house just to make toast and coffee and help himself to a nice pair of sunglasses. Emma has hit the point where she flinches whenever her phone rings, but this morning it’s just Ms. Lang leaving her a ton of messages, like people do in normal student-teacher relationships with healthy boundaries. The sheriff and his deputy (who appears frequently but isn’t plot-relevant, which suggests he’s in grave danger; now might be a good time to go visit your grandmother in Florida, my dude) knock on the door wanting to look at Emma’s computer.

scream 7.1Okay, but don’t click on the folder labeled “Paily.” Or the one labeled “Karmy.” And definitely not “Emmaudrey.”

The sheriff thinks all the signs point to Emma being the killer’s main target, which, duh. He knows what happened at the fairgrounds, because Kieran snitched again, even after their whole big talk about trust. The hair product has seeped into his brain and corroded his “doing what the fuck you say you will” lobe. Emma finally comes clean about her maybe-hallucinations at Troy James’s pig farm. Sheriff Gustavo’s Dad is like “I hate to tell you this, but it seems that your Final Girl-itis has come back. All the symptoms are clear: You’re a protagonist.”

Audrey and Noah had a sleepover after she came clean about her connection with Piper. In the cold, clear light of day, though, she’s regressed from “I need to be the one to tell Emma” to “No one can ever tell Emma.”

scream 7.2She’ll never look at me the same way if she finds out I’m Team Emison.

They go to the coffee shop, where Noah bumps into Zoe. She asks if he’s down for a study session later, because the finals are coming up and she needs to go over the material… in his pants. Noah agrees, suggesting that Zoe drive. Oh, honey, Zoe was totally planning to drive. Trust me, no girl is crushing on Noah because she thinks he might secretly be a top.

Emma confronts Kieran about her talk with the sheriff. He says he ratted her out for her own good. She’s not having it.

scream 7.3I want to go after her but I’m immobilized under the weight of my own magnificent coif.

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