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“The Fosters” recap (4.03): Mrs. Adams Foster, tear down this wall!

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon was a tool. The family endured a mentally unstable Nick toting a gun around their house without anyone getting hurt thanks in large part to Mariana remaining awesome and cool under terrifying circumstances. Jude and Taylor had a weird, intense thing that made us think maybe Jude isn’t sure he’s gay. The moms found out about Callie and Brandon’s adventures in stupidity at Idyllwild. Jesus and Emma had some no-strings sex.

Callie is sitting on the couch across from the moms. They start telling her that sleeping with Brandon was too much. They can never trust her again. They call her selfish; they say it’s hopeless, and they want to undo her adoption. Stef and Lena are just wrong somehow. They don’t sound like themselves and just about the minute I started to get royally pissed that Brandon wasn’t also on the couch, the “social worker” walks in and Callie says “Mom?” Yeah, this is a dream sequence. Sadly, the whole boning Brandon thing wasn’t just a terrible dream.

My dreams about Stef and Lena aren’t this much of a downer.

Dream kitchen time sans Brandon who is living with Cortney because he’s a grown-up now. Stef and Lena hold Callie back to tell her to ignore the comments from other kids. She needs to rise above it all. Oh sure, that will be no problem. After Callie leaves, Lena wants to know how soon they can get a security system in the house. Preferably, bars on the windows, alarms on every door. Stef says the quotes haven’t come back from the companies, but her face says “I didn’t think you were serious about making our home a fortress.”

Over at toddlers and teens, Brandon is making a huge mess with Cortney’s son. Cortney has to call out sick because Eddie can’t take the kid for the night. Brandon volunteers to watch him which she loves, and then leaves before cleaning up the mess he made (#ThatsSoBrandon). When he walks out the door, guess what’s not there? His car is gone. I laughed and clapped when I saw his face.

Anchor Beach has fences and metal detectors and a long line of cranky students waiting to get in. Some girls give Callie a look and whisper furiously. Mariana bounces up to her, looking all Cher Horowitz in her yellow sweater combo, and says she’s got Callie’s back. At the back of the line, the girl who was mean to Jude during the lockdown apologizes and then Taylor asks Jude to come to church with her after school. Come on, Judicorn; all the cool kids are doing scripture.

Brandon hops out of Cortney’s car and yells at his mom for taking away the car. Stef is like “bucko, you didn’t give me any notice that you were moving out, and you can walk on your grown-up feet for all I care.” It’s pretty great (if petty). Lena isn’t so sure. She wants to know what Stef is trying to accomplish by bickering. Sure, Lena, it’s a bit petty and juvenile but effective and so much fun.

Oh look, I’m all out of fucks to give.

Callie wants Brandon to tell her why he’s being such a stupid ass. Well, she asks why he moved out, but the tone said he’s a stupid ass. He claims not to have a choice now that Callie told the moms. Do you think he ever thinks “Wow, I really screwed up” or does he just live in a mirage of perfection? Either way, he’s a jerk to Callie, and I just can’t take his shit anymore. Callie is also having none of it so when a bro-douche walks up and asks if she will have sex with him or if she only bones her brother she hauls off and slugs him in the face.

This lands her in Lena’s office. Lena sends her home (do not pass go, do not collect $200). While she’s there, she should come up with a new senior project since the last two tanked. Stef says that she would have socked the kid in the mouth, too. Not helping, Stefanie! When Stef asks if Lena is worried about Callie being home alone, Lena snaps that she wouldn’t be worried if they had an alarm system. Yeesh! The passive aggressive shit is usually Stef’s area, Lena.

A bunch of students are sitting around in a circle talking about their feelings. I think there’s an adult there, but honestly, the “counselor” looks like she could be a student so who even knows. A bunch of girls start ragging on Mariana for being the reason Nicked flipped out and slut-shaming her and basically being the worst. Mariana defends herself and Jesus jumps in and tells them to shut the hell up. The “grown up” tells him that he’s not being productive. Okay, lady. Sure, it’s Jesus being unproductive not the mean girls. Emma is taking it all in, and she has a thing for dudes who are good brothers. She would like to continue her friends with benefits arrangement with Jesus.

Mariana wasn’t even born when Clueless came out. #HolyCrapImOld

While Jesus gets to make out, Mariana gets a nasty note in her locker about her and Mat. When Mat stops by to say hi, Mariana tells him to go away. She doesn’t need any more crap from the world. Super surprising for the world to blame a girl when a boy does something wring.

Callie is decidedly not sitting at home. She’s at a coffee shop where she meets a guy. He’s Aaron, and he’s in a five-year college/law school program, and she’s apparently “Cameron, ” the photography major at NYU. Callie, I get it; he’s all “I’m only 19, but my mind is older” but lying never works out for you. Aaron wants to work in social justice, not something “risky” like photography. When he leaves “Cameron” decides that jumping on the back of his motorcycle is the best way to continue her path toward entirely pissing off her family.

Oh me? Yeah, I’m from the next town over. It’s called “Faking It.”

Lena has a 10 point plan, and she’s telling Monte all about how they can use the money that’s supposed to go for arts and music to fortify the school. Hogwarts will be the model, of course, so long as they can locate a giant squid and some thestrals. Even Monte thinks Lena is going too far. Lena has to stop at point number five “metal detectors and riot gear” to go talk to Brandon.

Lena apologizes for Stef taking the car and wants to be sure he’s eating and doing his homework. Brandon is having a real problem because it’s just so hard to practice on his Ross Gellar keyboard instead of a real piano. Cry me a frickin’ river. Lena invites him to come over any time to use the family’s piano. She promises Stef will be fine with it.

Taylor and Jude arrive at youth group to talk and sing some songs and shit. Jude meets Noah whose mom is the pastor. After some kumbaya, they read some scripture. It’s all very Rap Around for 2016. Noah talks about how he got dumped, but he trusts God to send him a boyfriend. Yeah, I think that boyfriend walked in with tiny Taylor.

Jesus and Emma are getting busy in her Saab but stop to talk about their past sex partners. Looks like it’s time to get tested, young lovers. Good work being responsible!

Callie tricks Aaron into letting her take photos of him (which I honestly find a little shady. Consent, yo). He really likes the pictures and the way he looks. She calls him handsome and they make out a little. Callie, would you please stop being dumb? You have a boyfriend! Stop blowing your life up, lady.

Waves crashing in the background. This is some Nicholas Sparks shit.

Noah and Jude pair up for the trust exercise, and it gets a little too intense, so Jude runs the hell out of there. He yells at Taylor for meddling. Bless her tiny heart she fires back that she knew he liked Connor before he did and thought he could use another friend. He doesn’t need any more friends, people! He’s fine! FINE! Oh, little Judicorn. Don’t push Taylor away; she’s trying to be kind.

Callie asks Aaron to stop outside a house. She takes a picture and tells him it is where she grew up until her mom died and her dad went to jail. This is a super intense first date. Cameron goes from zero to 60 in record time.

Stef walks into the house where Brandon is playing the piano. She gets all dreamy remembering him winning the state competition. He thanks her for all the times she helped him get where he is. He thanks her for letting him practice in the house. Stef can’t keep a secret, so he knows that Lena never mentioned it. He can’t stay for dinner because he’s got to babysit Mason.

This face! This is why Lena puts up with my shenanigans.

Callie hops off of Aaron’s bike, tells him she has a boyfriend (oh, now you remember), and then gets busted by Lena. Oh, you in danger girl. I love sweet, sensitive, squishy ball of happy Lena, but I am loving sarcastic Lena.

I’m older, and I have more insurance.

This is the best scene of the season so far. Stef and Lena are ready to read Callie the riot act. What is she thinking? Why is she pushing limits? What the hell is wrong with her? Callie hits back. What are they thinking? She knows they can undo the adoption. She knows they can do it, and she wants to know if they are ditching her. The moms look like they have been slapped. They cross to the couch and promise her that no matter how mad they are, no matter what she does, they are a family. They love her, and nothing could undo that.

I love the way the moms downshift from discipline to love as soon as they understand what is going on with Callie. They realize she’s been through hell trying to decide if she is losing her family and rush to comfort her. Being a parent is like that. You’re constantly aiming for a moving target and hoping you hit it most of the time.

My face whenever I watch Brandon.

Jude walks in. Stef asks “Where you been?” Jude says “Church” and keeps going. This made me laugh out loud. Oh, Judicorn. Stef’s face is priceless. Callie tells them that Jude thinks God doesn’t want him to be gay. It’s funny how nothing ever slows down here. When Stef asks him, he gives one-word answers. It’s hilarious and so real to life. Good luck getting your kid to open up in the moment. You have to try but good luck getting anything out of them.

Jesus and Mariana are so sweet. Jesus checks in on Mariana after everything going on in school and then asks her about getting tested. Good job choosing the smart kid in the family for advice. Jesus and Emma end up getting tested and then decide that they will exclusively not date each other. Okay, I’m not sure that’s a thing but go ahead you two crazy kids.

This episode has so much of what I love. This next scene just feels so right to me. The moms are in bed talking and processing and teasing each other. They talk and then when they butt against something uncomfortable, the humor comes out. They joke about Brandon being stubborn and how he clearly got that from Stef. They are cooler than their own parents, right? They aren’t horrible. I relate to this so much. Have I mentioned a billion times how hard it is to be a parent? And sometimes that burden is really heavy and weighs you down and sometimes, if you’re lucky, you and your wife can laugh at the absurdity of it all and wonder how you got here. It’s hard and wonderful, and if you can’t laugh, I don’t know how you make it through the days.

Just look at this face! *Sigh*

Lena hops up to go check on Callie. Callie tells her about her new senior project. It’s about all the places she and Jude lived and how they ended up with their family. Lena listens as Callie tell her that she has so many walls, but they didn’t keep her from getting hurt. They don’t; they just keep you lonely.

Brandon is asleep next to Mason when Cortney gets home. Eddie knocks on the door and wants to take Mason but big bad Brandon is there to tell him to go to hell, or he will call the cops. Good thing Eddie doesn’t know that Brandon just threatened to call his mommy and daddy.

At school the next day, Lena gives a speech like she’s running for office. Adams Foster 2020. Walls won’t make them safe. Some parents object, and one of the mean girls who calls Mariana “Fost-whore” says she likes the walls. Mariana says she’d like to feel safe from girls who blame her for Nick bringing a gun to school and slut shame her. Mariana is going to be a Senator before she’s 40 unless she’s too busy running an internet start-up. We live in a broken world full of danger, and we have become inured to the sight of metal detector and walls around our schools. But schools aren’t fortresses, Lena says. We can’t accept that as normal.

After school, Stef asks Jude if anyone was mean to him at church. He says no but that they didn’t have to be. Stef doesn’t buy the whole God thing, but if she did, she thinks God would be pretty cool with Jude. She embarrasses him a little by calling him adorable and kissing him on the forehead. Then he goes back to church to volunteer. Maybe this Noah kid is worthy of Judicorn, but I’m not sure yet.

The episode ends with Mariana getting a call from Nick. When is she coming to visit Radley to see him?

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night

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