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“Orange is the New Black” recap (4.9): Playing with Power

It’s official: the photos of Tovah and Judy King have leaked and are all over the media. The crew discusses what they’ll do with their money: Poussey wants to take Soso to Amsterdam, Suzanne wants to rent a frog-shaped bounce house, and Taystee wants to follow D’Angelo on tour like white people follow Phish. As a white person, even I don’t understand those Phish folks, but to each their own. Tovah quickly realizes that, while the kiss provides some much-needed spin for Judy, Tovah will surely be brought in by Caputo.

But do they have that Kanye stage fall on video, though?

The ramifications of the photo spread throughout the prison, as Piscatella orders the guards to sweep Litchfield for contraband phones. He tells the guards that SHU is almost full, so they’ll need to start freestyling their punishments (I’m sure that will work out just fine). Luschek is nervous because the picture was sent from his phone.

Blanca is sick of the stop and frisks from the guards, but Maria doesn’t think it’s any more degrading than the 24/7 shit show that is being a prisoner. Maria tells Blanca to take a shower, but the lines have been too long with the overcrowding. We FLASHBACK to Blanca, who works as a caregiver for an old white woman named Millie. Millie keeps calling her Bianca because she likes the name better. Blanca puts up with Millie’s demands and casual racism, but she gets distracted when she sees the beefy gardener outside with the devil tattoo: this is Dario, aka Diablo. You might remember him from Season 1 when Blanca was sexting with him in the bathroom stall.

I don’t know Ms. Fletcher, a murder in Cabot Cove?

In the cafeteria, Nicky, Piper, and Alex are coming down from their crack party in the cornfield. Everyone is grossed out by today’s prison slop, and Piper and Alex dream about a Shake Shack burger and milkshake. Alex would also like a side of Cate Blanchett massaging her scalp, which, wouldn’t we all? Nicky is upset with Morello for getting married so quickly, and Morello calls her out for loving heroine more than her. They start fighting; Morello tells Red that Nicky is back on smack. Nicky storms out, and Red watches her go, sadly. Afterward, Morello gets in Angie’s face and calls her out for shower pooping.

Maritza and Flaca are playing a game of Would You Rather, where they have to choose between eating 10 dead flies or one live baby mouse. Maritza chooses the mouse, and they are interrupted by Humps, who tells them in Spanish that he knows what they are up to. Ugh, this fucking guy.

This guy is really fucking up our chances of a spin-off show

Blanca is about to get frisked when the guard recoils from her smell. In an instant, not showering has gone from an annoyance to a form of civil disobedience. We FLASHBACK to Dario and Blanca flirting while he helps them with Millie’s wheelchair. Millie yells at Blanca to hurry up, and later fires Dario so she won’t be distracted. Blanca is furious, and Millie tells her if she plays her cards right, she could inherit the house when she dies.

Aleida is two days from release, and Daya tries to share a moment with her before she goes. We’ve seen Aleida blow off Daya before because she didn’t want to deal with her emotions, but Daya sees through her mother’s brusqueness. Later on, Aleida asks Gloria to look out for Daya like a daughter and to keep prison from hardening her.

Caputo calls Judy and Tovah into his office and demands to know what the fuck they are up to. Judy and Tovah are not backing down, though, and are playing up their fake relationship all over the prison. This pisses off Soso, who feels like their fake relationship is outshining her real one with Poussey.

Don’t worry babe; we’re still in the running for prom queens!

The chain gang continues to work, and everyone wonders what it is they’re building. Piper is feeling major crack regret, and Alex still dreams of burgers. Piper tries to flirt with Bayley to bring them some Shake Shack, but he’ll only do it for a hand job. That burger must be AMAZING. Pennsatucky tells Boo that Coates apologized for raping her and that she wants to forgive him and move on. Big Boo thinks they should have raped him back, and tells Penns that if she starts being friendly with him, she will cut her off completely.

Sister Ingalls decides to get sent to SHU so she can confirm that Sophia is still there. But given that she’s a tiny white nun, no one takes any of her transgressions seriously. Gloria tells her that she needs to up her game, so she punches Gloria in the face. Coates finally takes her to SHU, and everyone cheers her on.

NUNS ON THE LOOSE!

Morello’s sister visits her and tells her that she’s been spending time getting to know Vinny as she asked. Morello’s crazy starts creeping in, and she accuses her sister of fooling around with her man. God, sometimes I forget that Morello is a broken little bird.

Blanca tells her friends that they can avoid frisks by smelling bad, but no one wants to stop showering, so they start putting tuna behind their ears and hot sauce in their hair. Maria is pissed that Maritza outed Alonso to the guards, but Maritza tells her it was her ass on the line. Besides, she saved Maria, and she’s not even Dominican. Maria backs down and cuts her loose from the business.

Piper and Alex argue over who is going to give Bayley a handy. Alex thinks it should be Piper since she’s “straight” (will anyone on this show every say the word bisexual out loud?) but Piper is pretty sure Alex knows her way around a penis. Piper apologizes to Alex for not believing her/all of season three, and they agree that they could both use a week without shame and debasement. Later, they share a spam sandwich and the remaining scraps of their dignity.

We can’t get burgers, but at least we can give each other handjobs!

Tovah and Watson hang out in Judy King’s private room, where Judy makes them tea and tells them about the time she got high and made out with Nigella Lawson, aka my dream date. Yoga Jones is worried that they’ll steal stuff, but Judy doesn’t care. Petty is not a good look on you, Jones.

Red fins Nicky puking in the shower, and helps her clean herself up. Nicky expects her to kick her out of the family, but Red tried that with Tricia, and she died. Red bursts into tears and apologizes to Nicky for failing her. She begs to know what she can do, and they both cry. We’re used to our moms being annoyed, being mad, even being furious with us. But there is nothing like the pain of seeing your mother cry. It’s a sobering (no pun intended) moment for Nicky, who tells Red that she’s going to get clean.

We FLASHBACK to Millie, who is asleep in her room when a noise jolts her awake. She opens her eyes and sees Blanca and Dario fucking furiously on her sofa, while Blanca makes eye contact. Millie is horrified, as Blanca laughs in defiance. The next morning, Blanca brings her microwaved coffee and opens the blinds, but Millie doesn’t complain. Blanca made a power move and now has the upper hand.

Breakfast in bed, with a side of GO FUCK YOURSELF

A guard grabs Blanca and forces her to stand on the cafeteria table as punishment until she takes a shower. Blanca stands up, and everyone watches her. The other guards realize that she could stand there all day, making them look bad. Back at the guard cabins, Humps forces Maritza into his cabin, where he’s laid out ten dead flies and a baby mouse. He tells her to eat the mouse, and she refuses since he has nothing on her. Humps holds a gun to her head and demands she eat the mouse. After every hideous thing, the guards have forced on the inmates of Litchfield, this is truly disgusting and haunting. Poor Maritza. I never thought I’d see the day where we miss Pornstache, but that day is here.

Damn the man, save the empire, bitches

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