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“Orange is the New Black” recap (4.8): Way Too Far

Piper’s silent cries layered over the seemingly softer snores of her bunkmate lull you into a somber opening; all of which are bashed once Red finds her mirror is missing. She’s still got to make breakfast, mirror be damned. Hell will be raised once she figures out who robbed her. Hapakuka has a moment of remorse after seeing the tearstained face of Piper. Being branded is pretty harsh, but with Piper’s actions, it is an apt punishment.

Where is that chicken!?

One wonders where all the female CO’s have gone and why they aren’t assigned to be Judy King’s personal bathroom security. They’re already in prison they don’t need the horrible leering of CO Dixon. Suzanne is such a treat in every scene, and now I have an extreme need for Uzo to put on a sock puppet show akin to “Harry Potter Puppet Pals.” Yoga Jones is living the life with her new roommate it’s almost like what I’d imagine the Four Seasons experience is. They’ve even got room service. Judy King’s recovery from her very racist puppet show will not be an easy one. It’s a battle of hypocrisy between the two of them and my bets are on Judy King.

The proper technique is with your mouth open, like this.

It’s still really funny that former slacker Cal is doing a lot better than Piper as far as their life paths. Of course he’s the type to be shopping for a banjo. Hearing about her new niece or nephew while still healing slowly from her new brand must be tough. Buying clothing from thrift stores to sell overseas is so elitist and maybe don’t do that because people who can’t afford new clothing need thrift stores right here in America. He’s right about one thing, women are terrifying, but in the most fantastic way. Do people actually buy fiddles and banjos for their children? Are they accompanied with the grass stalk to hold in your mouth or is that a BYO type of situation?

We’ve all been waiting for this reunion. One can only imagine the flashbacks rushing to Morello’s mind when Nicky points out their former rendezvous point. The lines of cheating differ from relationship to relationship, but going by Morello’s guidelines she’s definitely already crossed it. Even if she hadn’t prior, Nicky bringing up their memories in the shower stall definitely brought all of that back to the front of her mind. No does, in fact, mean no; not convince me to change my mind. The reality of her marriage is that they hardly know each other. Despite consummating it, they are strangers. Perhaps reminding her of the potential cheating that her husband could be committing was unwise as Morello has serious trust issues and heightened rage towards potential infidelity.

Everyone on the Whispers staff is fired thanks to Piper and her Jim Crow crew. They’ve all been reassigned to the educational program Caputo instated that’s actually just a front for free prison labor. Something that is entirely legal under the 13th amendment-look it up. The one upside is that their instructor Mr. McDonald is one fine piece of man, something all the inmates can appreciate heterosexual or otherwise. Not a single prisoner has the experience to make this anything but a disaster, yet they all leap at the opportunity to be McDonald’s apprentice.

Our unfriendly Black hotties have still yet to charge the cell phone to send their paparazzi photo. Here’s to hoping they get it charged soon since their commissaries won’t be cushioned with the $1 an hour they used to earn from Whispers. Seriously how do they expect a bunch of untrained inmates to operate any kind of construction material when an actual construction worker broke some of their equipment? They are thrown into the fray regardless, with a mantra of practicing common sense, a hard hat and a shovel.

Stop calling me chocolate.

Maritza the scanner is back at it again, but her nerves are so shoddy I’m worried about her sanity. Her eye makeup is flawless, and everyone should get lessons. You could cut a man with those wings.

The terrible twosome is reunited in the garden though things aren’t as lovely as where they left it. Nicky offers an escape from their horrible reality and the way Alex’s life has been going it’s her best option.

Maritza wants out of the whole drug trade her nerves are fried at the thought of nearly being caught fetching the drugs out of the van’s bumper. Ruiz, the boss, isn’t having it, her nerves be damned. Seems there is no escaping her mule side hustle.

Skip the water, add coconut milk and curry powder and it’ll taste gourmet.

The yard is a barrage of pick-axes and shovels, and Pennsatucky has become a patron saint once more by passing out water to all the workers. Assuming hard labor is a lesbian super power is hilarious; everyone knows we are varied in our supernatural skill sets.

Big Boo is blessed with the menial task of fixing the tractor and thus avoiding any actual labor. What’s even better is that Pennsatucky is assigned as her understudy, giving them plenty of time to figure out her own mutant powers. Piper has all but lost hers as she struggles to dig with one arm. Her brand is bleeding, and sympathy isn’t coming from anyone since they’re all unemployed.

Can you teleport?

Daya dashes her mother’s dreams of owning a nail salon after her release with all the woes of being a business owner. It’s certainly a bit of jealousy and a huge helping of the potential fear of missing her mother but no less hurtful to see Aleida’s face. She makes up for it by reminding her that she is a business leech, so anything she puts her mind to is attainable.

All bets are on Gerber Bailey being a huge Welcome to Night Vale” fan, though he’s very naive for thinking either Judy King or Poussey would catch any reference to a podcast. Judy comes to Poussey hoping that she can mend the rift between her and the Black girls caused by the revelation of her minstrel puppet show. The audacity of her trying to reason that they served some educational purpose is absurd, racist is racist is racist and Poussey outlines very clearly why it fit the bill. The key to avoiding this very situation is to think very thoroughly before you say anything. Black people aren’t out to get you.

You could’ve said “Spoiler alert.”

A worn out Piper discovers higher than a kite Vause and Nicky in the garden while she tries to cool off. Your life has to be pretty low to be smoking crack in a corn patch; however, they are all in prison for lengthy sentences, so perhaps it is fitting for the occasion. It speaks to the ingenuity of prisoners the way Nicky fashioned a crack pipe out of an old lightbulb. Despite offering it, Vause definitely didn’t expect Piper to accept. One would assume if they were on speaking terms neither of them would be in this predicament. Smoking crack is the milder of the revelations during this maize gathering; finally, someone who cares about Piper knows about this paperclip swastika brand that’s been bleeding through all of her clothes. The woes of trying to win prison, Vause has got a few dozen prison participation points on her with her dropping the bomb on being an actual murderer. Who would’ve thought that Nicky would be the lesser criminal in this crack circle of friendship?

I should’ve saved some of his meat to go with my ramen.

Taystee might be the crew mother, but her cushy job earns her no sympathy from her girls who are digging a ditch and building character. They finally let Poussey in on the paparazzi schemery, and it seems that all of Judy King’s fears are out of the window.

Piper is suffering the come down of her crack adventures, or maybe it’s the obviously infected wound on her arm, though it could be the endless digging of a whole out in the hot sun. Why is it that all time machine conversations come down to killing Hitler? I suppose this one was to give the Litchfield Nazi’s opportunity to insert their hindsight Third Reich strategies. Pennsatucky is brave for even speaking to her attacker in normal conversation and like every man on this show he blows the response by sticking his head up his butt father than Big Boo had planned with that broomstick.

Morello gets a visit from her sister and an opportunity to reveal her fears of Vinny’s potential infidelity. Her sister tries to be the voice of reason giving logical answers for all of her accusations. They meet in the middle, and her sister agrees to go and meet Vinny since they are in-laws.

Personally, this American Gangster vibe that Ruiz is exuding these days fits her, given the circumstances. It’s a shame that Nicky ruined her sober streak and is risking her relationship with Red once more. How long has Aleida been working in the salon not to have noticed it is a very obvious drug front? No one has had a good hair styling since they sent attacked Sophia.

You were supposed to bring me July’s edition of “ELLE,” either the Kate McKinnon cover or Leslie Jones.

Big Boo’s reign of luxury ends once an actual mechanic comes to see about the tractor. After hours and hours of digging a glorified moat, the inmates watch as the tractor does the work of a dozen of them within seconds. Did anyone else see the pregnant woman walking away from the shovel and helmet pile?

Our Black hotties return to compare their tractor experience to that of an assembly worker in a Detroit auto plant. (Say Nice Things About Detroit.) Their juxtaposition of robot overlords is cut short as Judy King runs towards them full sprint. She plants a wet one on Tovah and Poussey snaps a photo. Tovah is a bit distracted by the taste of strawberries and the lyrics to “I Kissed a Girl” have likely adjusted for the flavor switch in her mind. Operation paparazzi money is operating better than the tracker that just embarrassed their digging skills.

Rihanna ISN’T in the new “Star Trek”?

Red finds her mirror with the silent help of Lorna. She should let Blanca keep it-that eyebrow is a great homage to the wonderful Frida Khalo, but she’s a certified fox without it. The puzzle pieces in Red’s mind are connecting, and it’s going to be even sadder than the last time Nicky fell off the sober boat.

It’s about time someone else checked up on Piper, the tough love from Red is a welcome change from the crack solution she was provided with earlier. For once Piper is right, she does deserve this one. All of the horrible things she’s done in order to win prison, it could be a lot worse. She should get some salve for this wound it will certainly cost her a pretty penny but infection plus prison is a deadly combination.

CO Coates wants to atone for his sins and tells Pennsatucky he would use the time machine to return to when they first met. A much better tale than going back to a concert he missed due to intoxication. While he seems genuinely apologetic about his sexual assault, it’s still a huge burden in her life. She thanks him for owning up to it anyway.

Caputo feels horrible about how his education program transformed into an all women sequel of “Cool Hand Luke” but his succubus lover assures him that she is still proud nonetheless. In his sadness, he reveals that they’re building a new dorm, by the looks of that hole they built it still won’t be enough room to hold their for-profit prisoners. Linda already shouldn’t be trusted, but the amount of salt she just added to that pot of sauce was ridiculous. Crystal Burset is at the door and she, like the rest of us, wants answers about Sophia.

Caputo’s naïveté increases with every scene, thinking you can quell a black woman with natural hair by turning on the sprinkler is preposterous, she’s basically waterproof. It’s revealed that Crystal has made several trips to his house demanding a response to her many inquiries and hat Caputo has simply been hiding the entire time. He finally opens the door, and Crystal informs him that MCC is violating the freedom of information act by keeping her in the dark about her wife.

Linda could not be more inconsiderate, yet her mindset is very realistic when it comes to corporations and the transgendered prisoners they house. She further ruins the situation by returning to the door with a gun. While she thinks that she is properly handling the situation, everyone else in the scene knows that she’s blown it out of proportion. Their sauce is going to burn, and his house will reek of the stench forever as they abandon it for lovemaking. Disgusting.

I know you voted “Leave!”

Together with Red, Vause and Norma are in the kitchen to solve Piper’s swastika problem. They fire up the stove and rebrand her to make sure the scars match. Instead of a tarnished former symbol of peace turned sigil of hate, she’s now branded with the Windows 95 logo.

For other methods of avoiding accidental racism, you can tweet me at @uhitsveronica. We can also discuss Game of Thrones theories if that makes you more comfortable. Remember no spoilers in the comments!

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